Thought I'd do something "Safe House" for once.My goal is to be popular with bothhalves of the TLH fandom :D
Good luck with that…
"Do you think…" Clyde began, stopping short with a blush. His best friend, Lincoln, raised a questioning eyebrow at him.
"Do I think what?" the white-haired preteen asked.
"Do you think that Lori might like me more if I were… fit?" the bespectacled boy asked.
"Oh, not this again," Lincoln sighed, "Clyde, I don't think that's the problem…"
"Bobby moved away," Clyde said, hurriedly, "This is my best chance."
"I highly doubt you getting ripped is going to attract my sister," Lincoln pointed out, "What sport would you possibly play, anyway? You hate running!"
There was a sound of rushing sneakers before Lynn vaulted over the fence the two preteens were sitting behind.
"Did somebody say 'sport'?" the jock asked as she landed, flawlessly, before her younger brother and his friend.
"Clyde here thinks he can attract Lori by getting ripped," Lincoln explained with a smirk, "Please tell him why that won't work."
"It would totally work!" Lynn grinned, "Girls love a man with muscles."
"What?!" Lincoln sputtered, "Girls liked me, and I'm not muscly!"
"Not muscly?" Lynn snorted, "We play sports and work out almost every day; you're more fit than half the kids in the school! Girls arealways checking you out at the pool."
"Th-they are?" Lincoln gulped.
"You never noticed?" Clyde asked, generally surprised.
"Anyway, what sort of sports were you thinking of?" Lynn turned her focus to the afroed boy.
"I was thinking of just lifting some weights, or doing crunches…" Clyde confessed.
"Ha!" Lynn slapped her forehead, "That's a good way to build muscle, I guess, but the best way is to have fun while doing it. Sports will keep you fit, will teach you teamwork and camaraderie, and will keep you entertained! I mean, if it's not entertaining, will you really keep doing it?"
"She's got a point," Lincoln shrugged, "Workouts would get you fit, but if you're not having fun, why keep doing them?"
"Okay, so maybe I should sign up for a sport," Clyde sighed, "Not football."
"Nuts," Lynn tsked, "Baseball?"
"No," Clyde shook his head.
"Now that's just un-American," Lynn chided, "Track and field? Basketball? Soccer? Swim team? Tennis?!"
"What about golf?" Clyde suggested, "Or bowling?"
"The point is to get fit," Lynn groaned, "You need to pick a sport that works you out, not a leisure sport."
"Um…" Clyde tapped his chin. Working out didn't appeal to him as much as he thought it would, but he had to think of something. The love of Lori was on the line! "Wrestling?"
Both Louds blinked in surprise at the suggestion, before Lynn grinned even wider. Lincoln gave Clyde a worried look, knowing how harsh a coach Lynn could be.
"Wrestling it is," Lynn nodded, "I'll give you a day to notify your next of kin; I expect to see you bright and early tomorrow."
"Uh-oh," Clyde realized his mistake too late. Lynn had already left, leaving the boys alone.
"She's not too bad," Lincoln lied, "Anyway, you don't have to do this. Why not try your hand at another girl? Haiku seemed really interested at the dance…"
"Lincoln, you know I love Lori," Clyde said, "I mean, Haiku is nice and all, but she's not Lori."
"Ugh," Lincoln shook his head, "You're hopeless."
…
"You're getting stronger," Lynn beamed at her protégé. It was always so exciting to mold the physically challenged into muscular demigods.
"Thanks," Clyde wheezed, trying to get his lungs working after his most recent suplex. He had noticed a little more definition in his abdomen and limbs, lately… Lynn's workouts, and all the extra practice, were beginning to pay off.
"Lori will be crawling all over you in no time," Lynn chuckled, helping Clyde up off the mat. Only a handful of people were in the gym at the time, including Lincoln.
"R-really?!" Clyde asked, excited.
"Totally!" Lynn beamed, running her hands along his arms, "Look at these biceps and triceps! They're almost rock-solid, which chicks dig." Her hands drifted to his chest. "And your pecs are shaping up real nice, almost as good as Linc's, and you've only been training for a few weeks. Still, it takes more than a bod to impress a girl."
"What else does it take?" Clyde asked as he put his glasses back on. He could have asked his fathers for sports goggles, but his nearsightedness wasn't much of a hindrance in wrestling, and he didn't want his overprotective parents to coddle him.
"You have to prove you know how to use it," Lynn whispered, "You'll have to be a winner. No girl can resist a man who can dominate his opponents."
"Really?"
"Well, duh!" Lynn snorted, "Girls love athletic winners!"
"I don't know, Lynn," Clyde said, "Lori likes Bobby, and he's not really athletic or a winner…"
"What?" Lynn asked, "He's a lifeguard, so that's athletic (sort of), and he manages to work, like, a dozen jobs! Sounds like a hard worker to me, and hard workers are winners."
"I… guess?"
"Now enough chitchat!" Lynn went full-coach, "Time for your cooldown jog! Twenty laps around the gym, go-go-go!"
"Twenty?!" Clyde almost sprinted as the jock chased him, screaming 'motivations'.
…
Lincoln furrowed his brow at what he was watching. It looked like Lynn was… feeling Clyde up? The middle Loud shook his head. No, that couldn't be right. Lynn sometimes tested his own muscles, and she probably did the same with all her 'apprentices'.
"I didn't know Clyde had a crush on all your sisters," a familiar, dreary voice said close to Lincoln, startling him. He half-expected Lucy, but was surprised to see Haiku, instead.
"What?" the white-haired preteen snorted, "No, he only has eyes for Lori."
"He doesn't seem to mind Lynn rubbing her hands all over him," Haiku noted in her unreadable monotone. Was she sad, angry, or just unaffected? With her, it was impossible to tell.
"Lynn does that with everybody," Lincoln shrugged.
"Not that much," the goth pointed out, "I come in here sometimes to write poetry. I've seen her feel some guys arms, but never their chests."
"You come to the gym to write poetry?" Lincoln asked in disbelief.
"I write haikus," Haiku explained, "which often revolve around nature and observation. Inspiration for poetry can come from anywhere."
Lincoln took her word for it and was about to return to watching his best friend when a question popped into his mind.
"At the dance, you two seemed to get along really well," he pointed out, "I thought that, well, with how well my other friends got along with my other dates, that maybe you two… hit it off?"
Haiku was even quieter than usual, prompting Lincoln to turn and look at her. Finally, she spoke.
"We're both in love with other people," she explained, "people who can't love us back. We got along because of it. That's all."
"Oh," Lincoln frowned, "That's a shame. You two would make a really good couple."
Haiku blinked in surprise, fighting desperately to keep a blush from her face.
"Maybe you're right about Lynn, though," Lincoln scratched his chin, "Maybe she does have a thing for Clyde. Maybe I can hook them up together!"
"What?" Haiku barely maintained her deadpan, "Why?"
"I've been trying to get Clyde to quit being obsessed with Lori," Lincoln explained, "It's not healthy, and I don't want him to get hurt. It'd be way better if he hooked up with a girl that liked him, right? Nobody should waste their lives chasing someone who will never love them back."
Haiku felt her eyebrow twitch at the unintentional slight.
"It's a shame you don't like him," Lincoln sighed, standing to leave now that Clyde was passed out after only twelve laps, "You two would be a way better couple. Still, as long as he has a chance with a girl, I'll be happy for him. Even if it is another one of my sisters…"
After Lincoln had departed, Haiku sighed loudly.
…
"What?!" Lynn's eyes were as large as dinner plates, "I do not have a crush on Clyde!"
"I don't know Lynn," Lincoln said, "you never feel anyone's chests. That seems a little like a crush."
"I have a crush on Francisco, remember?" the jock said.
"The guy who doesn't even notice you?" Lincoln raised an eyebrow. Lynn's face flushed in embarrassment or anger.
"How are things with Paige?" she asked, bitterly.
"Okay, okay!" Lincoln raised his hands, defensively, "I just thought, maybe, you two could go on a date, or something."
"Why?" Lynn asked, dumbfounded.
"Clyde needs to get over Lori," Lincoln explained, "Even if things don't work out between you, well, it'll help him see that there are other girls out there."
"I'm not a charity service, Linc," Lynn said, flatly.
"Fine," Lincoln shrugged, "It's a shame, too. Francisco might have gotten jealous."
Lynn narrowed her eyes.
"What are you talking about?" she asked.
"If you were to start dating Clyde, an up-and-coming wrestling star," Lincoln explained, smiling coyly, "Francisco might realize you're not paying attention to him anymore. I think he'd miss the way you watch him."
Lynn stared at her brother for a moment before growling in irritation.
"Okay, fine!" she said, "I will go on one date with Clyde!"
"That's all I ask," Lincoln grinned.
"I'm not asking him, though," Lynn stated.
"That's no problem," Lincoln assured his sister, "Clyde will contact you shortly."
…
"Dude, I can't do that!" Clyde said over the walkie-talkie.
"What?" Lincoln demanded, "Why not?"
"She's my coach!"
"Oh, for the love of…" Lincoln facepalmed, "You two are practically the same age!"
"She's so much older, though…" Clyde muttered.
"Lori is way older than Lynn!" Lincoln challenged.
"Yeah, but Lori is a woman," his friend retorted, "no! A goddess!"
"You have to do this, Clyde," Lincoln all but ordered, "You have to see there are other girls out there besides Lori."
"She's your sister, though!"
"SO IS LORI!" Lincoln growled in frustration, "Why don't you want to at least try and date Lynn? Do you not like her?"
"No, she's cool," Clyde said.
"Is she not pretty enough for you?"
"What? No! She's very beautiful."
"Then why not date her?" Lincoln asked, "You two could have some real chemistry."
"But… Lori…"
"Clyde, Lori is borderline engaged with Bobby," Lincoln sighed, "it's not happening. You know that. Haiku said something about how you two love people who can't love you back."
"When did you talk to Haiku?" Clyde asked.
"Earlier today," the middle Loud shrugged, even though Clyde couldn't see it, "She happened to be in the gym."
"Weird," Clyde muttered, "She never goes to the gym."
"She says she goes there to write haikus, sometimes," Lincoln explained, "Something about getting inspiration from nature?"
"I've never seen her there," Clyde said, "Lynn even said she'd never seen her in the gym before."
"Why did she say she goes there all the time, then?" Lincoln asked himself, quietly, before shaking his head, "Never mind. Are you going on the date with Lynn, or not?"
"Well…" Clyde sighed, "I guess. I mean, it's just one date, right?"
"Affirmative," Lincoln couldn't keep the grin out of his voice.
"Alright."
"Excellent!" Lincoln pumped his fist, "Oh, one more thing. You have to ask her out."
"Oh man, I'm terrible at that!"
"You'll do fine!"
…
The next Monday, after school…
"LINCOLN!" Lynn roared after she got home from practice, causing her siblings to duck for cover. Nobody wanted to get the way of the strongest sister's warpath.
"Hey, Lynn!" Lincoln smiled as he came downstairs, "Clyde said he asked you out! Judging by his description, I hear it went pretty w-ARGH!"
Lynn tackled her brother to the ground and forced him up into a full Nelson. Lincoln noticed she wore a taut smile, but it was quite at odds with the rage in her brown eyes.
"Lincoln~" her purr degraded into a growl, "Your friend embarrassed me in front of the guys!"
"What?!" Lincoln struggled to escape. Maybe if he dislocated his shoulders..?
"Clyde asked me out – with flowers and chocolate! – in front of the entire team!" Lynn explained, "Even Francisco was there! He said he thought it was cute!"
Before Lincoln could respond, breaking into a cold sweat, he heard the rapid approach of his remaining sisters. Finally, he was saved!
"Clyde asked you out?" Lori asked.
"You're going on a date?" Lucy asked almost on top of the eldest.
Soon, all the sisters were practically babbling on top of each other, asking Lynn questions about her and Clyde. The jock released Lincoln, backing away from her meddling siblings, breaking into a blush. Lincoln put some distance between himself and Lynn, watching the display. It reminded him of some animal documentary about a pack of coyotes taking down a bear.
"Did you say yes?" Lori seemed hopeful, "He can be cute when he's not being creepy. You two would literally make a great couple!"
"Is it true he likes wearing dresses?" Lola asked, "He can't be that bad, if that's true."
"Did you say yes?" Lana asked.
"She had to!" Luan laughed, "Clyde asked her out with flowers and chocolate!"
"Who could shoot that down?" Luna added, "Takes a man with guts to do something like that."
"Everybody stop!" Lynn shouted, silencing her sisters, "Holy- I see what Lincoln means about the meddling!"
"You, like, have to give us the deets!" Leni beamed.
"Clyde cornered me after school," Lynn sighed, "I was with the team, getting ready for practice, and he just waltzes in with flowers and chocolate, nervous and dorky, and asks me out! I couldn't say no in front of all the guys like that! I'd look heartless!"
"A brilliant strategy," Lisa admitted, "Perhaps I will try that on my crush…"
"Ooo, yeah!" Luan grinned, "There's no way they could reject us if we made a public declaration!"
"Girls," Lori snapped them back to focus, "Lynn isn't finished yet. Where are you two going?"
"He, uh…" Lynn blushed, "he got tickets to the minor league baseball game next week…"
"What?!" Lincoln burst out.
"Wow, that's impressive!" Lori nodded, respectfully, "Those tickets are really expensive, especially for an eleven-year-old."
Lynn was silent as her sisters continued babbling about her upcoming date. She'd never thought she'd actually be dating in school. At the very least, she never thought she'd be dating someone as classy as Clyde McBride. What was she even supposed to do on a date? All the Loud siblings were aware of Clyde's romantic gestures and oddities, and Lynn was unsure of how to match them. To her, an ideal date would be her and Francisco watching sports in their usual clothes – but with Clyde, she felt she needed to be more… sophisticated.
Wait, why did she even care?
"It's just one date," Lynn shrugged, dismissively.
"What if you two have a good time?" Leni asked, "You need to make a good impression, so you can go on another one."
"Plus, it helps to have a good reputation with the guys," Luna pointed out, "so you can get a recommendation for other dates."
"Like you'd know," Luan grinned at the scowl from her roommate.
"Lynn doesn't change for the guys, okay?" Lynn smirked, but it failed quickly. She furrowed her brow and muttered a question without recognizing the present company. "What would I wear?"
That sent her sisters into a frenzy of chatter. The jock was quickly overwhelmed and carried up the stairs by the horde, leaving Lincoln alone. Or, mostly alone.
"So," Lucy said, forcing a scream out of her brother, "Clyde asked Lynn out?"
"Yeah," Lincoln clutched his chest. Why wasn't he used to this?
"Why not another girl?" the goth asked.
"I didn't know any other girls that seemed interested," the white-haired teen shrugged, "I tried to ask Haiku, but she said something about unrequited crushes and how Clyde and she were just friends."
"…Really?" Lucy asked in her usual monotone.
"I couldn't think of any other girls," Lincoln shrugged, "so I went with Lynn, since she was feeling his body up."
"What?"
"Oh, nothing," Lincoln chuckled, "She's been coaching him, so she felt his muscles to see his progress. She does the same thing with me, sometimes."
"Okay then," Lucy nodded, "I need to commune with my coven."
"See you later, Spooky."
…
"I should have known this would be my fate," Haiku sighed, loudly.
Lucy had met her at their usually hangout, the gothic poetry club. They were enjoying the dark atmosphere in a secluded corner, trying to address this recent setback.
"What will you ladies be having?" the waiter asked. He was a temp that didn't fit in with the club's vibe; no makeup, and no dreary attitude.
"Coffee," Haiku muttered, "Make it blacker than my soul."
The waiter rolled his eyes and left.
"Why didn't you tell Lincoln you liked Clyde?" Lucy asked.
"I have an image to maintain," Haiku lied, but Lucy clearly didn't buy it, "Okay, so I didn't want to embarrass myself. Clyde loves Lori; I figured I didn't have a chance."
"Why did you go to the gym, then?" the younger future mortician asked.
Haiku graciously accepted her coffee from the out-of-place waiter, stirring the black ichor for some time before replying.
"I heard he had taken up wrestling," the older goth shrugged, "I… wanted to see what he looked like in a singlet."
If Lucy were another person, she might have burst into laughter at that.
"If Lynn was feeling his muscles, I imagine he's looking pretty good," Lucy noted, "He's no vampire, though."
"He could be," Haiku smiled, softly, but it faded, "What am I going to do? I can't stand the pain of having another unrequited crush – especially if it's a guy I actually have a chance with…"
"I'll talk to Lynn," Lucy said, "She doesn't seem interested; I'm sure she'll step aside if you come forward."
"Really?" Haiku seemed a little disappointed, "I already had a revenge scheme set up to tear them apart."
"Wicked," Lucy nodded once, "but that'll have to wait for another day."