AN: So, I haven't written in a while, so this might not be the most amazing thing ever. Also, I've never written something...well, something like this. I have no idea if it's good or makes sense, so you'll have to tell me. If people really like it I might write more crack pairings.

The first thing Johnny realized when he woke up was that his head had exploded. Sadly, it wasn't as cool as it was the first time it did that back in heaven. In fact, it was more like how it felt the fiftieth time. The second thing he realized was that his shoulders were hurting (and strangely itchy) and that he had somehow misplaced his arms. He couldn't see how that was possible when he was sure he didn't leave them on the TV like he did last week. Then again, just the thought of thinking about anything made him want to curl up and die.

Slowly, he finally opened his eyes to find he was in a medium-sized room and…that was it. The room was completely empty aside from the light bulb just barely lighting the room. The walls and floor were bare and reminded Nny of the rooms in his basement but without the blood stains and strange machines. All he could see was an open door, but nothing past it.

He could feel the rough wall against his back as he shifted. He was standing? How could he be standing when he just woke up? A groan escaped his lips as he slowly looked up to see that he hands were tied up and attached to a chain above his head. Apparently he hadn't forgotten his arms and they had only gone numb from a lack of blood flow. But where was he? And how did he get here?

"For someone who hates sleep so much you sure were out for quite a while Nny."

Johnny turned back to the door as fast as he could without turning his head to mush. This new person was wearing some hat and had bright red eyes. "Let me go you asshole! Before I free you from your patella and bury you in a lard field! And how do you know my name?" He sent the hat guy a glare that would normally turn people into a quivering fearful mass of meat and stringy things.

Unfortunately, this guy just laughed and shook his head as if Johnny were some stupid bug with jointed limbs little wings, and barely even one single brain cell. He badly wanted to rip this guy's spleen out and feed it to a pigeon, but, well, he was trapped. Johnny tried to think back to see if there was any other time he had been trapped like this, but nothing came to mind. Sure, he'd been beaten up by various assholes, but he always had a way to get them eventually. He'd never actually been tied up and taken to some unknown location. In fact, this seemed very similar to tales of people being abducted by aliens. Johnny's eyes widened. Was this guy an alien?

"You don't remember me? I'm truly hurt." Johnny didn't think he sounded hurt at all as he looked closer at him. A smirk he wanted to cut off. A purple scarf tied around his neck. A Z? shirt. Markings around his eyes that seemed familiar. Then the hat. It was a black chef's hat with white ghosts rising from the rim. White ghosts that Johnny could remember painting onto a Styrofoam pastry mascot.

"…Fuck."

The smirk morphed into a wide grin filled with sharp teeth. "Bingo!"

Johnny relaxed slightly. Being kidnapped and tied up by a stranger was worse than when it was someone you knew. Well, something in this case. But there was no way he was going to let Mr. Eff get away with this. At least not alive. "Why the fuck am I here?...And why are you human?" Johnny winced as he belatedly realized that screaming wasn't helping his head.

"Well, luckily, both of your questions can be answered in one simple tale." Eff walked over to his captive against the wall, though it was more of a saunter that made Johnny's blood boil. Eff knew Nny wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. As he came closer Johnny was annoyed to find that Eff was a bit taller than him. "You see, after our…master…destroyed us, we, D-boy and I, ended up in Hell. And, not so surprisingly, you had been there first…"

Eff stopped about a foot in front of Johnny, smirking. He couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to wipe that smirk off of his face. And Eff being this close to him was freaking him out a bit. He kicked out as hard as he could at Eff's shin. This was one of the many reasons why he always wore these boots when they hurt his feet. The large steel toes were great for kicking. The blow connected and Johnny snarled at him. "Get the fuck away from me!"

Suddenly, his vision exploded with stars and he gasped. At first he thought it was because of his head. Until he realized that half of his face stung. He looked up at Eff in shock. "Wha-, d-did you…" Eff examined his hand, seeming to look for anything disgusting that may have been left on it.

"Yes Johnny. I just bitch slapped you. Now shut up and listen." Eff looked back at him as if he were some boring little insect.

"Well, after waiting and waiting and then you killing yourself with that IDIOTIC MACHINE and then getting RIPPED APART BY MY MASTER I hated you! Well, hate…"

After his shock had worn off Johnny found his anger swelling, drowning out the pain he should have been feeling. How dare Eff hit him? "How could you fucking hate me? I fucking created you you asshole! I-" Suddenly, his face twisted the other way as stars exploded in front of him again. This time was harder than the last and he cried out. He couldn't think straight and it felt like his brain meats were scrambled and were about to leak out of his ears. The next thing he knew Eff grabbed the front of his shirt and was right in his face, with the most hate-filled glare he had ever seen. Johnny wanted to kick him but Eff was too close.

"Do you know how annoying you are? You'd keep talking about how upset or depressed you are. I don't care! I just wanted you to keep painting that wall! And then on top of that you have the attention span of a six-year-old! You'd star killing someone and then get distracted by soda or some shiny, colorful sign! Of course I do the same too, but that's different… Do you know how…FRUSTRATING IT IS TO HAVE YOUR FREEDOM DEPEND ON THE WHIMS OF SOME PATHETIC, WHINY, LITTLE, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS LIKE YOU?" Eff pushed Johnny up against the wall and pressed his hand against his chest, holding Johnny in place. Eff's chest heaved up and down as he panted behind teeth that were clamped down so tight that Johnny could swear he heard them creak. Johnny could feel his own stomach twist around unpleasantly. Of course it wasn't as if he was scared. How could he be scared of Eff? He was just a stupid pastry display thing!…He wished he had gotten rid of all emotion like he wanted.

"I told Señior Diablo as much," he ground out, "and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that he hated you too."

"Why wou-" Eff's hand left his chest and slammed down over Johnny's mouth. "Shut UP, Johnny." Nny's stomach continued to turn. Okay, maybe he was a little bit scared. But it was only because his arms were still numb! Maybe Eff saw the not-fear in his eyes because his glare slowly morphed into a smirk. This one was different though. It seemed to be hiding something behind it. "Good boy." The hand eased up and Eff's thumb started to softly stroke Johnny's cheek. "Good boy." Nny's eyes widened in shock. What was Eff doing? Okay, now he was starting to get scared.

"Diablo said something about you being rude and not being scared. And something about a coat. But he also said that to bring back one of us he'd have to bring us both back. Two sides of the same coin or something." Johnny felt Eff's other hand on his hip, groping him a little as it slowly went up. His face became a little warm as the hand traveled. Of course it must have been because he was angry. Whatever was hiding behind Mr. Eff's smirk was coming out now. It was a predatory look that was somehow different from the kind Nny had with his victims.

Everything suddenly felt so surreal. Here Johnny was, trapped against a wall, being groped by a Styrofoam thing he had painted years ago. Except that Styrofoam thing was now human and bigger and stronger than him. Everything felt so far away. It felt clouded over. Like it was happening to someone else. But it must have been someone else because this kind of thing didn't happen to Johnny. So it couldn't possibly be real.

"Of course D-boy was a bit of a problem. At first. But it was easy after reminding him that he could always kill himself after he became human. It turns out that D-boy hates you too. I guess even he doesn't like hearing you whine or having his death depend on your stupid whims." Just then, someone else walked into the room. Eff glanced over toward the door. "Welcome to the party." He finally took his hands off of Johnny, but he stayed close enough to keep Johnny from kicking.

Everything came back to reality. The clouded over feeling disappeared and Johnny felt himself come back to his body. He took a quick glance over at the newcomer still near the door. White hat with skulls. Black scarf. FUCK shirt. Spiral eyes. D-boy. Johnny whole brain felt jumbled up. From his head hurting to getting slapped around to getting…touched…he could barely put a coherent sentence together in his mind. What was going on? This didn't happen to him.

"So Diablo said he'd bring us back if we promised to torment you. He didn't care when, how, or for how long. Just as long as we do it." Johnny struggled to figure out a way to get on top of the situation. He couldn't let Eff keep doing this. His mind scrambled around for something. Anything!

"I-I kill and torture people all the time. I'm not scared of being hurt!" To Johnny's horror, that predatory grin became stronger, causing a shiver to run down Nny's spine. It must have been cold or something. Maybe he was getting sick.

"Oh, I know that Nny, but we had another idea." Quick as lightning, Eff's lips pressed hard against Johnny's. He opened his mouth to scream-he wasn't sure if it was to scream at Eff or just scream-when Eff's tongue pushed inside. He gagged and choked as the muscle moved around his mouth. He could feel his mind clouding over, trying to get him to escape from this mentally if not physically, but he couldn't let that happen. Johnny squirmed and writhed between Eff and the wall, but no matter what he did he couldn't dislodge Eff. He just pressed himself harder against Johnny.

Everything seemed to slow down for Johnny. He could feel Eff's tongue slide along his own and press against his teeth and the roof of his mouth. His face felt impossibly hot. To the point where it made his eyes water. And it was made worse by the fact that he was sure Eff could feel it. Worse still was when a moan escaped his lips and his face became even hotter when he realized that Eff was smirking and he definitely heard that. He could feel his heart pounding hard against his ribcage and his lungs trying to get enough air. He could feel Eff's chest pressing against his own and his heart thudding against his own ribs. He could feel his stomach churning still. But it was slightly more pleasant than how it had been before. He could even feel a hand groping his ass.

After what felt like an eternity Eff finally ended the kiss and stepped away from him. Johnny gagged and retched, trying to rid himself of every molecule of Eff's saliva from his mouth.

"So, I was thinking that I could have him first, then you."

He could hear D-boy walk closer until he was against the wall, a few feet away. "Fine by me. As long as I get to see him cry" Johnny looked up to find D-boy leaning against the wall like he was about to watch an amusing show. Both he and Mr. Eff were grinning.

And suddenly, Johnny knew this was going to be a very bad day.