October 17, 2010
Sunday after 'Duets' came out
This story really grew as I wrote it. It started as a tiny fluff oneshot devoid of dialogue, focalized on Santana, but still outside her mind, and grew into something quite different. Enjoy, and don't forget to review!
Santana's jaw hurt. She'd realized it yesterday, when she'd opened her mouth to comment on Rachel's newest Jewish Sunday-school outfit (her semi-presentable Britney-inspired look had worn off quickly, to Santana's irritation), and found she could barely get the words out without wincing. Rachel had noticed the look of pain on her face, and had taken it as Santana's version of regret, happily ignoring her comment. Santana hadn't even tried to set her straight, but had rubbed her jaw apprehensively.
She now slammed her locker door and, for the third time that day, massaged her neck, trying to ease the ache. Her jaw was clenched closed and almost completely immobile. God, she was getting a headache, too. Puck insisted it was because of mouthing off at everyone all the time. But she thought she knew the real reason. For three days now, she'd had her jaw locked and clenched in anger and frustration… and, though she wouldn't admit it, in guilt.
Maybe it was because she hadn't had a warm body beneath her for too long. She needed loving, or she couldn't be herself. She'd lose her groove, her confidence, and eventually, the ability to speak, it seemed. Mostly, she'd just hummed along with songs in Glee, both too frustrated to join the fun and eventually not physically able to.
She hadn't regretted what she'd said to Brittany right away. Just because they were best friends didn't mean Brittany should be exempt from her annoyance and sharp tongue; it just meant she should be able to handle it better. I mean, seriously, "Come to My Window?" How gay was that? Probably as gay as what we've been doing together, Santana remembered, but quickly shook her head to clear the thought. She hadn't really meant what she'd said. But the blonde had taken it to heart, and had stopped speaking to her completely. It was only when Santana saw Brittany wheeling Artie through the hallway, and making it clear she was now off-limits, that the guilt and anger set in. And, of course, the jealousy.
Breaking the two of them up had helped with the jealousy, but it hadn't fixed anything. Brittany still sat three seats away, and would barely look at her. When she did, it was a blank stare; no smile, no spark, no pain, no recognition. It was a look Santana recognized (Brittany gave it to everyone around her all the time) but not one she was used to receiving. There was always a spark in Brittany's eyes when she looked at her, a smile playing at her lips, a memory and communication of the secrets they shared and of the secret that they were, a subtle, sexy movement of her legs when her thoughts strayed to the fun they'd had the night before.
Last night she'd slept alone… again. She missed Brittany's soft, warm body pressed to hers. She wouldn't have needed her to do anything if she had been there, except to hold her and kiss her neck and keep her safe. She could have seduced Puck. It would certainly have raised her rep again, she mused. Puck had been the talk of the school since he got out of juvi, and, if she chose him, Santana was sure she could be as well. But it wasn't him that Santana wanted, a fact that Puck had picked up on in no time.
"Seriously, why don't you just apologize?" Puck huffed as he pushed a freshman out of his way and settled against the locker next to Santana's.
Santana glared at him, opening her mouth to snap at him, but the small movement made her wince in pain, and her glare faltered. Puck laughed.
"This mute thing is so not you. Seriously, go to the doctor. People are starting to notice; before long, your rep will break to pieces, Madame Queen Bitch." He turned to leave, but added, "And either pull yourself together or apologize to Brittany."
Santana glared at him as he walked away, but quickly let her face relax when he was out of sight. Damn. Now even glaring hurt.
That night, Santana dreamed of Brittany. She was in Brittany's room, behind her computer, wearing only her Cherio top and undies, looking online for karaoke music for "Come To My Window". Brittany still lay on the bed behind her, her hair tousled across the pillows and her legs entangled in the sheets. They'd fallen asleep, exhausted and shaking, with their fingers laced and their legs entwined, but Santana had woken up in the middle of the night and hadn't been able to fall back to sleep. She wasn't having much luck finding "Come To My Window", either, and let out an exasperated sigh.
"S?" she heard faintly behind her. She turned and saw Brittany looking at her sleepily, propping herself up on one arm and running a hand through her disheveled hair.
"Yeah, B?"
"Come back to bed. It's lonely without you."
Santana smiled. "Just a few more minutes. I'll be there." She focused on the computer screen, and didn't notice Brittany get up until she felt a hand on her shoulder, sweeping aside her hair to run soft circles on the back of her neck with a finger.
"Come back now. Please? We don't have to sleep or anything," she added teasingly. Santana could hear the smile in her voice.
"Okay." She looked up at Brittany as the blonde leaned down to place a kiss on her cheek. Santana moved her face to let it land on her lips instead. When they parted, Brittany rested her head on Santana's shoulder as Santana laced her fingers with Brittany's again, remembering their closeness a few hours before. Brittany looked at the computer screen, and chuckled.
"Aw, we don't need karaoke music for the song. We can do it apakella…"
"Acapella…"
"Yeah, that. Or I can hum it while you sing, for all I care. It's not really about winning for me."
Santana laughed. "Hey, hey, the prize is dinner for two at BreadstiX, remember!"
"Yeah, sure. But even if we don't win, I'll take you there, okay? You can fill another wheelbarrow and I'll fill my laundry bag."
"With laundry still in it again?" Santana teased.
"Oh… No, something else then. Okay?"
"Okay."
Brittany lifted her head off Santana's shoulder and softly placed a kiss on the back of her neck, making Santana shiver, before tugging at her hand and leading her back to the bed.
Santana woke up reluctantly, burying her head in her pillow and shutting her eyes hard to bring back the dream. Even in dreams, Brittany never lied; they really didn't go back to sleep right away. Santana had started to wake up just as things were getting good. Isn't that always the case? she thought irritably, before sighing and giving up; she was awake, and alone in her bed again. She ran her hand over the back of her neck, remembering Brittany's soft kiss. She locked her jaw in guilt and regret, remembering it was only a dream, and then winced at the pain that shot through her aching jaw. This was going to be another great day…
Yet, it wasn't as terrible as Santana had expected. Brittany wasn't in school for most of the morning (probably, she'd forgotten what day it was and slept in again, Santana mused), which gave Santana the opportunity to block the blonde from her mind and forget her guilt and pain for a while, unhampered by the blank stare Brittany had given her that week. By fourth period, she was actually humming as she collected her books from her locker.
"Oh, Santana, there you are! It's good I found you…"
Santana rolled her eyes and closed her locker, bracing herself for the disgusting saccharine that was Rachel Berry.
"Wait, what were you humming?"
Santana frowned, remembering. Her frown turned into realization and she pursed her lips menacingly at Rachel.
"Was that Melissa Etheridge's 'Come To My Window'?"
Santana shook her head quickly. She put a hand on her hip and tapped her foot in impatience.
"Well, whatever. I wanted to tell you that Glee is cancelled today. Not sure why. I think it had something to do with Mr. Shue's divorce. Anyway, I hope you can speak again soon; that song is a classic. It would be even better if you could sing it!" With that, Rachel hopped away, her ponytails bobbing. Santana rolled her eyes again and put her forehead against her locker. It turned out Brittany wasn't quite blocked from her mind; she made it into her thoughts in even subtle ways like through that stupid song she had suggested. I don't even like that song, Santana thought, but felt a pang when she realized it didn't matter if she liked the song or not; she liked the girl who wanted to sing the song. No, not liked, she corrected. She loved her.
Santana opened her eyes slowly, pulling herself together, and she felt someone looking at her. She turned around, ready to glare in warning at whoever had heard her talking to Rachel and seen her in her moment of weakness, but faltered when she looked into two bright blue eyes filled with affection.
Her angry mask fell away, her frown smoothed out, and she held Brittany's gaze. She knew how she must look to the blonde; while Brittany's eyes held affection, Santana had that rare vulnerable look again, the one she had whenever Brittany had her pinned beneath her; when her back arched and her body shook; when she felt she wasn't strong enough to pull Brittany as close to her body as she wanted her to be; when she had to bite her lip to keep from crying that one short phrase that Brittany had no qualms about whispering into her ear before they fell asleep together. Brittany recognized it; it was reserved for only her. Santana's heart skipped a beat. Though she was more herself with Brittany, and held back more than half her biting remarks, she couldn't stand being this vulnerable, this naked. She felt stripped to her bones, the only muscle left, her heart, and Brittany could see right into it.
The blonde finally smiled and bounced up to Santana. She grabbed her hand and held it in both her own, squeezing it.
"I thought you didn't like 'Come To My Window'?" she asked happily.
Santana couldn't speak. Literally. The one moment she was finally ready and wanted to tell Brittany how she felt, how she loved her, and how sorry she was, her own body failed her, and she winced in pain and regret when she tried to defy it.
It wasn't necessary. Brittany understood. "It's okay," she whispered. If she hadn't been standing in the hallway, Santana could have cried. Instead, she smiled timidly.
The bell rang through the hallway. Amid the bustle and flurry of activity as everyone hurried to their classes, Brittany quickly pulled Santana close into a hug that, had anyone been watching, communicated anything but friendship. As she started to walk away, she brushed Santana's hair off her shoulders, and kissed the back of her neck softly.
Santana looked after the blonde with a shiver still running down her spine. When Brittany looked back one last time, smiling, Santana matched her smile. Shouldering her backpack, she swept her long hair back over her neck, hiding the treasured lipgloss kiss mark.