DC continues to own these characters, and frankly I don't see that changing any time soon.
I mean, they have to eat right? They have families...
The JLA and the Comic Book of All Evil
Story by: NewbieWW
Written by: enter your desired username
The Watchtower:
There were a lot of things that Wally found absolutely hilarious.
Knock knock jokes… Monty Python…SCTV…Men's Right's Activists…you know, the hilarious sort of comedians that could always bring a chuckle to the speedsters face with clever one liners or their overwhelming privilege.
He liked humour, hell he lived for humour. You don't run with gods without planting a few banana peels on the floor for shits and giggles (even if he had gotten a colonoscopy with Hawkgirl's mace in the process…).
No, he enjoyed having a good laugh.
Which is why he, himself, couldn't believe how hard he was laughing at this exact moment…
Tears streamed down his face. His gut felt like he had been punched repeatedly by Superman. He'd changed his costume at least five times by now (and had to wash out urine stains at super speed in the process). Most of all, his laughed echoed throughout the entire Watchtower like a symphony of hyena's, unsurprisingly drawing the attention of the rest of the Justice League.
They piled around the flailing Flash, grimacing as his laughter ground through their ears like a chalk board having sex with another chalk board. Flash wiped a tear from his eye in an attempt to compose himself, but after taking one hard glance at Batman, he flopped to the floor in another laughing fit. The Dark Knight growled.
"Joker venom. I'll have to punch him in the face as hard as I can until he shuts up."
"Wait Batman…" Wonder Woman interrupted, "this doesn't look like one of the Joker's usual pranks…"
"I still think punching him will work fine…"
"Violence is not always the answer, Bruce…" she scolded, waging her finger in the detectives face. He scoffed in reply.
"Oh, did your mother tell you that before or after she tried to castrate me…"
"Guys, hold on a second…" Green Lantern stepped in between them as he reached towards the curled up Flash. "Look, he was reading something…"
Deftly using his ring, John scooped up a soggy comic book from its puddle in the ground, grimacing as the smell slapped him hard in the face. Suddenly, Batman's eyes lit up in terror, his usually stoic face whitening like he had just seen Alfred naked again. He reached into his utility belt and yanked out a bright red batarang, the bone white words In Case of Earth-31 Emergency adorning its side.
"Step back everyone, that thing is cancerous!" he screamed. He lurched his arm forward, only to have his wrist caught by the Man of Steel.
"Wait, Bruce…it's just a comic book."
"Right and Ed Gein was just a dermatologist!" Batman spat back, desperately trying to either free his wrist or will himself into turning to pure kryptonite.
"I don't get the reference…" Diana mumbled. Batman turned to shout at Superman, only to have the entire group's gaze redirected to the still yucking Flash struggling to prop himself up on the table, his speed enhanced fist banging repeatedly into its metal.
"Oh don't worry Di, I'm sure the goddamn Batman will tell you ha ha ha ha!" he joked, tears still streaming from his eyes. Batman's growl grew louder.
"Where in the hell, tartarus, Detroit and any other damnable dimension did you find this, Wally?"
"Ha ha ha ha, comic book store, ha ha ha ha, on sale, ha ha ha ha, greatest day of my life ha ha ha ha!" John formed a bright green umbrella as Flash's tears rained on top of him. The Martian Manhunter meanwhile stepped behind the still confused Hawkgirl in order to prevent his precious box of Oreos ™ from getting soggy. Diana stepped next to Batman, a concerned look strewn across her face.
"Bruce, what is this thing?"
Batman breathed deeply as his cloak enveloped him. The lights of the watchtower dimmed, as thunder rumbled through the satellite. J'onn considered mentioning that thunder in space wasn't normal, but decided against it as Batman began to speak, his face more solemn than a Grundy born on a Monday (wait, what?)
"In 1986 a man named Frank Miller was hired to write a new Batman story, something never seen before. Something…dark, gritty. He wanted to give me my balls back, take me away from the camp of Adam West and remind the world what happens to punks who cross my path. The Dark Knight Returns was released…and I was reborn!"
Batman turned towards the group, his arms extending his cape beside him like a kid jumping off a bed as he continued. "It had everything; gritty characters, mature themes, social commentary, hell I even beat the living crap out of Boy-Scout over here…"
"I highly doubt that…" interjected Superman, his arms crossed at his chest. Batman rummaged in his utility belt and promptly flicked a sliver of kryptonite at the hero, his anguished screams mixing with Flash's wheezing, breathless laughter. Batman continued.
"A year later came Year One. Seemed like Frank could do no wrong. Me and Daredevil…..this man revitalized us. Then…things started to go wrong…" His voice dropped another octave as lightning illuminated the Watchtower. J'onn really wanted to mention something about that; however he was enjoying his box of Oreos ™ far too much to interrupt. Batman Began…again…
"No one knows what went wrong…but all of a sudden, we started getting Robocop 2, Batman vs Spawn…Holy Terror…" everyone shuddered. "Then…then THIS happened!"
His gloved finger pointed accusingly towards the still suspended (and urine stained) comic, the bright white lettering spelling All Star Batman and Robin. Flash, who had finally remembered how to breathe, rose on shaking legs and pointed at Batman.
"This guy…holy, you, ha ha, I don't know what animal crawled up your ass, but, ha ha ha ha…" he doubled over in laugher again. "Robin called the batmobile queer! Ha ha ha, that's righteous!"
Flash turned his gaze to the still writhing Superman, his giggling only increasing. "And you! Oh my god ha ha ha, you were so whipped! You were the Super-bitch! He he…he had you running cars across the ocean ha ha ha! Like a…like a SUPER-FERRY ha ha ha!" His eyes lit up in realization.
"Wait…I get it now."
"Gargle gulp fufft." Replied Superman
Flash's finger pointed at Diana, and all of a sudden, his laugher ceased. His face fell as his voice became serious. "You…you were scary…"
Diana stroked her chin. "I kind of want to read this book now…"
"Do you want Irritable Bowel Syndrome? Because that's how you get Irritable Bowel Syndrome…..." Batman protested.
"Oooooh better watch out Bats, after all, you're just a walking sperm bank ha ha ha!"
"LET ME HIT HIM!" Batman swung at the scarlet speedster, only to have his armed roughly grabbed by Wonder Woman, her mind secretly wondering how she could find a way to read this mythical comic book without getting urine all over her hands again.
"Were we in it?" J'onn asked through a mouthful of cookies, gesturing to himself and the two other heroes. Flash shook his head through strained laughter.
"No no ha ha ha, well Hal was in it but…"
"What happened to him?" Lantern asked, his brow furrowed in curiosity. Flash's smile started to increase.
"He…he, he almost died ha ha ha…"
John stood there stunned, his mind churning over the possibilities. Suddenly, it dawned on him.
"Robin?" he asked. Flash nodded his head furiously, spewing tears across the room. J'onn whimpered as a tear landed on his cookie, while John crossed the floor towards Flash…
…only to break into a high pitched laugher as both he and Flash slapped themselves on their backs, their yucks mixing together in a cacophony of fictional hilarity. Batman stomped his foot defiantly into the ground.
"That tears is! Diana, you're coming with me…" he grabbed her by the wrists and pulled her towards the hanger bay. "We're ending this…"
"But I want to learn how to make my friends and enemies quake in unquenchable fear…" she whined, reaching desperately for the still suspended comic book. Batman growled.
"Then I'll take you to see a Joss Whedon movie, come on!"
They roughly stepped over the still gurgling Man of Steel as they sprinted towards the idle batwing, Batman delivering a final kick into his prone groin on the way. J'onn glanced out the window to see snow settling on the Watchtower's windowsill. Sighing, he shrugged his shoulder in apathy.
"Meh…"
…
…
…
DC Comics Publishing Office: Burbank, California
Dan DiDio sank his plump form into his chair, tapping his pencil against his chin. He hummed to himself, his unrivaled genius weighing heavily on his mind.
"Hmmmm…everyone seems to really like Dick Grayson being snarky and light hearted…NEEDS MORE ANGST!"
With a brilliant stroke of his pencil, he scribbled angst in blindingly large letters over Scott Snyder's 50 paged script, his conscience wondering if he had accidentally caused the writer to have a terrible heart attack. He pushed it out of his thoughts as his gaze diverted to a massive sketch of Superman wearing an "I went to Apokolips and all I got was the reminder that my planet is dead" t-shirt, when a rough growl startled him.
"This has to end, Dan….."
"Batman? Holy shit…w-what do you want?"
The white slits of his eyes narrowed. "Stop printing All Star Batman and Robin, you need to let it die."
Dan shuffled back, offended, as his eyes met the Dark Knights.
"I-I, but why? It was one of our best sellers?"
"10 years ago….."
"It's a great reinterpretation of your character!"
"It causes skin cancer in infants….."
"But…don't you want your stories to go out to as many people as possible?"
"I would rather see both my parents murdered again and then be fondled by the decaying corpse of the Joker than have people read that book…"
Dan stuttered, his eyes darting back and forth across the room, looking for some sort of weapon. He reached into his desk and pulled out Scott Snyder's contract, holding it up for Batman to see. He held a lighter below the cusp of its edge, his eyes burrowing into Batman's.
"Stay back Batman, I'll do it! I swear to god I will!"
"You don't want to do that Dan…"
"I will if I you don't leave me alone! Stop forcing me to make good decisions!"
Batman sighed, palming his masked forehead. He placed his finger to his ear.
"This isn't working…Diana, it's your turn."
DC's co-publisher shivered as he dropped the lighter.
"Wait…what do you mean, it's 'your turn'?"
…
…
…
20,000 feet above Burbank, California:
"PLEASE PUT ME DOWN, I'M SORRY I'M SORRRRRYYYY!" he screamed, looking up at Wonder Woman as she dangled him above the lights of the city. Annoyance was plastered on her face as she shook him.
"Are you really sorry?"
"WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?" he screamed in response.
"You're the reason I'm currently dating my pseudo-brother, which I'm not ok with! And now Donna wants to kill me! I haven't seen her since the last crisis and now I have to fight her!"
"Diana, focus on what's important. IE my reputation." The voice of Batman crackled over her radio. Her scowl deepened.
"Hey, you and I both have business with this guy. If I had known you wanted to go after him…"
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS WANT ME TO DO, HONESTLY I DON'T!"
"Break up me and Kal! He's a doofus and he keeps calling out Lois's name whenever we…"
"DIANA!"
"Fine…and take All Star Batman and Robin out of print too…but save me a copy…"
"I swear to god woman….."
"I CAN'T TAKE IT OUT OF PRINT, I JUST CAN'T!"
"Why can't he!?"
"He's asking why you can't."
Snot and tears fell down his face as he cried. "I just can't, I'm sorry but there's no way for me to…"
"I'm just going to drop him…"
"WAIT!" he screamed, his hands flailing wildly. "The reason I can't is we keep getting massive orders for them! We have to keep them in print to keep up with demand! Honest, that's the reason! I SWEAR!"
"SWEAR TO…"
"No! You do NOT get to steal my line!"
"Fine…" she moaned concedingly. She glanced downwards at the dangling publisher. "It doesn't make sense though…this book is legendarily awful. Who in their right mind would willingly order so many copies?"
…
…
…
The Residence of Stan Lee:
Lightning pierced the sky as a sharp, maniacal cackled echoed through the mansion's halls. It's sheer volume enveloped the night, sending shivers down the spines of all who could hear it, as the corpse of Jack Kirby tossed restlessly in his grave…
The End…for now…
Thanks for reading folks, and a big thanks to NewbieWW for the collaboration! And be sure to check out NewbieWW's profile and stories as well! Lot's of good stuff over there, especially if you like a good BM/WW story.
And of course, thanks to Scott Snyder for being good at your job, and to Frank Miller and Dan DiDio for not caring about what people write about them on fanfiction. It's beautiful!