If I could forget her, trust me, I would.

If I could forget her eyes and the way they used to sparkle under the moonlight, her lips and the way they used to move flawlessly when she talks, trust me I would.

If I could forget the way she says my name, if I could forget the way she calls me every night just to bother me (but I know she just wants to hear me tonight, I know she does), trust me, I would.

If only I could, then I already would have by now.

But why can't I? What makes the thought of her so hard to forget?

I don't know, but I do know that the thought of forgetting her, forgetting her smile, her laugh, and everything about her, and forgetting how I feel, how she felt about me, how we used to be; the thought of forgetting it all just feels too painful. I just can't do it.

Not when I know when I wake up again tonight, it could all go back to normal, and my phone would be ringing again, and she'd be there on the other line.

But I know she won't be there. I know she's already gone. I know she'll never call me again, and she'll never need my 'goodnight'. She won't be there to laugh at my snarky comments anymore, nor will she be there on the nights I can't sleep, when I'd go to the pier to relax and she'd tell me she was just on a nightly walk when I know she was there because of me. Sometimes I felt guilty for those times, but now I wished I never pushed it away.

Those were the nights when, even in the cold air, it would be warm, and her arm would be around me and we'd watch the stars together, and I don't even know how it started but it just did.

But she's gone now. That idiot is gone and I can never have her back.

And it hurts and I don't know and I just want to stop hurting. I just want her back or feel nothing at all. I miss her, and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts so fricking much I want it to just end.

But if it ends, it's like she'll never have a chance to come back; like if she ever feels like coming home, she'll never have a home to come back to anymore.

And I don't want to forget the way her eyes used to sparkle when she pouts, or the way her smile would just beg like a dog every now and then. I don't want to forget anything about her. I don't want to stop hurting. I don't want her to come back one day and find me over and done with her, because I'm not, and I can never be, because I love her, I love her too much.

And it hurts. It just does. So much.

But even now when she's gone - and she's really gone - it still feels like she's the only person I could live for. It still feels like without her, I'll break apart and not even Henry can fix me.

(Robin Hood smells like forest. And once Zelena's child was born, he decided the child shouldn't have to live without a father. I'd lie if I'll say I wasn't offended or hurt, but it hurt less than this, far less than losing her.)

It's been three years now, since that day. Three years since we lost her to the darkness, three years since she lost her fight against it. Three years since she was frozen and sealed, cursed to never wake up again, for her power to be locked in her forever. Three years since I realized I loved her, that I love her, that the one-handed wonder wasn't her True Love, and neither was it Henry.

True Love can break any curse, but it seems like Emma's beyond that.

Though the Sorcerer told us it could be broken by True Love's Kiss, and that the kiss could erase the darkness, at least from Emma, but that hasn't worked.

Then again, we haven't tried since.

Not with anyone new - her parents, the two idiots - or the same two people who tried before - Hook and Henry.

And I swear, every day it hurts more. I just hope that stupid Savior is satisfied.

She didn't keep her promise though. I'll hold that on her until she can actually keep and do her promise.

Dr. Hopper says this is all getting unhealthy, though. But I don't care. I just want her back. I just want to kiss her and bring her back.

And maybe I could try later, or tonight, or even tomorrow at dawn, but I doubt she loves me back; I doubt she feels the same.

So maybe I'll try, and maybe I'll fail, and maybe I can finally let her go and move on, because Emma Swan is gone, and no matter how much I love her, my love can't bring her back.

At least, if she doesn't feel the same way.

And I swear, if I could, I would have already forgotten about that stupid blonde over a year ago.

But I can't.

And if I could forget her, trust me, I would already have.

If.