(Ok so I wrote a thing. I know it's been months since I wrote for Falling Down the Rabbit Hole but a lot happened and I had to abandon it...hopefully not for, forever. Sometimes life happens...sucks but hey that's life. So I think this is a one shot. I haven't decided whether I'll continue it or not. The title is actually a song by Birdy. You should look it up. I think it explains the current situation of Bamon very well. Please tell me what you think. To the people actually invested in my other fic I am so sorry. I'm really hoping I will find the inspiration to continue it.)

(**Disclaimer: I do not own TVD or any of its characters…if I did Bamon would be the ultimate ship and every other ship would quack in its presence.)

I had been back for a month. A month of shocking revelations. My brother had lost himself and subsequently lost others because of it but since I had been back he was finding himself again. And blondie was helping him. For once I was grateful for her. They had been spending a lot of time together but Stef wouldn't talk about it. Alaric was adjusting well and was even seeing someone, Jo. Our friendship, after getting over his backstabbing, had picked right back up. Between him and Enzo I was never without a drinking buddy. As for Elena...she gave up on me. As someone who loved the same person for over 100 years, it was hard for me to understand. For four months all I thought about was getting back to her. All I thought about was fixing our relationship and starting our eternity together...but she erased me. She was very adamant about not getting the memories back but that didn't deter me from trying to win her back. I figured I could show her what we had and make her fall in love with me all over again. A month later...she still didn't love me and she hadn't asked for her memories back. I was hurt and angry. I drink and locked myself away for three days when things looked bleak but then one day I awoke and I wasn't hurting as much anymore. I was letting her go. It shocked me. She was supposedly my soul mate but I could actually live without her.

It had been a month and still I kept the secret of Bonnie to myself. She died for me. She stood and looked in my eyes and basically told me that she wouldn't want to be with anyone else but me. I felt shy and the stirrings of butterflies and realized that I had never felt that way with Elena. And then everything turned to darkness and in the end I was saved while she laid in a pool of her own blood and met her end again...but for the last time. I still dreamed about her, still woke early to start making pancake batter before I remembered, still stood in the shower (my safe haven) and thought about all the ways I could have saved her. I tried to drink away her memory, her scent, her everything but nothing helped. I even entertained the idea of having Alaric wipe my memories but in the end I didn't want to admit the truth to him. And the truth was that I had failed Bonnie. I had failed her and I would never get the chance to fix it. This was my actual hell and there was no escaping it.

"What are you doing?"

I looked up from the notebook in my lap and met Stefan's eyes. "Nothing. Just writing." I sloshed around the drink in my hand before downing the rest of the throat burning brown liquor.

Stefan chuckled while making his way to the bottled whiskey. "You're writing in a journal?" His eyebrow lifted like the idea was completely unbelievable.

My phone went off in my pocket. I checked the text and then got up. "Yep and now I'm going to drink my insides black. Don't wait up Steffie." I turned back to him, one hand holding the door open and the other clutching my leather jacket, before adding. "Oh and btw I would tell Caroline to change her perfume...it's very distinctive." After his face dropped into shock I walked out the door with a bounce in my step. I didn't realize I had left my journal lying in my abandoned seat.

I returned to a dark house. I rested my head against the front door and looked at the boarding house with new eyes. It was nice being home. It had taken a lot to get the veil lifted but it was worth it. However, as I stood in the darkness of the entryway, all I could think about was Bonnie. I swore I could smell her. She always smelled of lilac. I swore I could hear her singing under her breath as she made dinner. As I made my way into the kitchen I expected to see her smile. I expected to see the smile that could put a thousand suns to shame...the smile I would do anything for but I was met with more darkness. I felt a sob rise up in my throat and I fought to keep it down. I ran my hands through my hair and shuddered as one tear slipped down my cheek.

I made my way to the bourbon, picked up a bottle and started taking big pulls off of it as I made my way to my bedroom. By the time I made it to my shower I had already finished the bottle. I stripped, stepped into the scalding water, and knowing that water and several walls separated Stefan and me, I began to cry. I let it all out. I missed her. More than I thought possible. I wanted to her voice. I wanted to hear her laughing at my horrible dance moves. I wanted to hear another one of her childhood stories of her growing up with her Grams. I wanted to smell lilac and remnants of fire from one of her failed attempts at a spell. I wanted to watch her perform a spell and feel entranced. I wanted one of those rare moments when she would fall asleep against my shoulder and I could look at her uninterrupted. I would see perfect beauty but I would also see power...enough power to destroy the world. But beneath that I would see a fragility that was rarely seen and I would feel an overwhelming need to protect her from Satan himself. I missed her and it wasn't going away.

I stepped from the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist. I looked in the mirror and saw the evidence of tears evaporate from my face. Like it never happened...

But when I entered my bedroom, Stefan was sitting on my bed waiting for me. He had my journal in his hands and a sorrowful look in his eyes. My body became a statue.

"I heard you crying..."

I continued to stare at him, immobile.

"I also read your journal. I won't apologize for it. I knew something was wrong and I wanted to fix it."

I didn't say anything. I just made my way to my closest and changed into a white t-shirt and black pajama pants. I heard him approach me before continuing.

"I have a lot of questions about the alternate world you and Bonnie were in," I felt my body stiffen at her name, "but only one matters right now."

"And what's that?"

"Did you love her?"

I felt my resolve falling away from me, slipping through my fingers. Before I knew it tears were making their way down my face again. I didn't make any noises but Stefan must have known I had broken because before I knew what was happening he was pulling me into a bone crushing hug. I buried my head into his neck but not before whispering, "I think I kind of did."