Entry for Rowena's 1000 or less challenge.
Title: The Question
Word Count: 938 words
A/N: L gets a tad bit out of character at the end as he makes a God reference. Sorry, it fit the story even though he's supposed to be an atheist. Well, here ya go!
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"You're not funny."
"Maybe it's just you who are too serious, Light-kun."
Ryuuzaki sat in his usual fashion at the computer desk, lazily scanning over a clip from a Yotsuba Death Meeting while Light glowered at him from behind. The businessmen on the screen finally stood up and walked towards the door, Ryuuzaki then proceeding to stop the clip and stand up stiffly.
"Finally," Light said, exasperated, "maybe now I'll have your full attention on the matter!"
"Or perhaps not," Ryuuzaki shrugged nonchalantly, "I still haven't finished my morning coffee."
"Haven't finished it?! You've drank six glasses in two and a half hours! Any normal person would go into cardiac arrest from that kind of caffeine and sugar dose!"
"It's funny you should choose now to mention cardiac arrest, Light-kun. It seems to be a popular topic for those men on the screen." Ryuuzaki proceeded to slouch over to the cart Watari had wheeled in for him some time ago. The coffee was still warm, and he let slip a pleased grin as he poured himself a slightly-steaming cup. "And unfortunately for you, this coffee still tastes fresh. You know what that means."
"No, Ryuuzaki, no; I'm not going to sit here for another thirty minutes while you load that garbage cube by cube with carbs. You," he stated as he swept up the coffee dish from the bewildered man, "are going to give me what I want: an answer."
"If by answer you mean to the question, then I'd honestly rather have my coffee."
"Of course I mean the question! And no, there will be no coffee until I have my answer."
"No coffee?"
"No coffee."
"Then," Ryuuzaki said slowly, "I suppose cake is in order."
"Stop!" Light demanded as he gripped the pale man's arm and pulled him off his feet, "You shall ingest nothing; nothing at all, until you give me what I want."
"But how can I know what you want when you won't tell me?"
"I want the goddamn truth, Ryuuzaki! That's all I've been asking for this entire morning. You remember? Or were you too busy brushing me off to notice?"
"Well, that is generally what is achieved by brushing off…"
"Cut it! You're sitting right here," Light then lifted the man with great effort under the armpits onto a nearby chair, "and not moving a muscle – especially not to eat or drink – until I hear the words I want to hear."
"But Light-kun," Ryuuzaki complained.
"Ah," he groaned, "What is it?!"
"How can I answer you sitting like this?" he gestured towards his rear plopped carelessly onto the seat of the chair. "This is clearly not my thinking position."
"Then move! It's not very complicated!"
"It is when one has been instructed not to."
"Oh, I see what you're doing here. You're trying to turn this around on me. Well it's not working! You can sit any way you want for all I care, but you're not to say a word unless it's to answer my question!"
Ryuuzaki looked at him thoughtfully for a moment before moving to his appropriate position. He then sat there and stared at Light disinterestedly, not a single word escaping his lips.
"Well?"
"Ah," Ryuuzaki cautioned. Next he began chewing each finger on his right hand in turn, an exact fifteen painstaking bites per finger. As soon as he was done he moved without pause to his left digits, never looking Light in the eye again. Light tapped his finger on his crossed arms impatiently, glaring at the man distastefully all the while.
By that point Ryuuzaki had taken to examining his finger nails, each one roughly cut and gnawed to oblivion. He saw one particularly stubborn pinky nail, and proceeded to go to work on it, leaving Light practically shaking with comprehension.
"Damn it, talk!" he burst out suddenly, making Ryuuzaki jump and take a large piece of the pinky nail with him.
Light stood before the man menacingly, his clenched fists trembling in anticipation of the blow about to be dealt. Apparently not wanting to please the fists, Ryuuzaki held up a hand and cleared his throat. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yes, okay. I will now answer the question."
"You will?"
"Yes, I will."
"Do you mean it?"
"Yes, I mean it."
"Seriously? Now?"
"Seriously, now."
"Then what have you got to say?"
"I have to say: yes."
"Yes?"
"Yes."
"But, are you sure?"
"Quite positive, actually, I've done research."
"Really? Wow." Light sat back down on the chair with a dazed look on his face. "But I could have sworn…"
"Nope, they're not."
"But they look so…"
"Nope. Capital F."
"You mean they really are…?"
"Yes, they are most definitely fake." Ryuuzaki went to work on mending his shattered nail.
"Incredible. Who would have thought she'd go to such lengths to please me…"
"Yes, you are one lucky guy, Light-kun. You should be glad you have Miss Amane. Or at least enjoy them."
"Oh yes, I'll definitely feel more appreciative from now on, but…"
"What is it Light-kun?"
"Well, it's just that…"
"Yes?"
"I've always been a more natural guy, y'know?"
"Oh, indeed Light-kun, but honestly, have you seen them?"
"Really I don't pay much attention."
"Even so, how could you even doubt those weren't enhanced?"
"Well, I really kind of hoped."
"Even God's not that gracious, Light-kun. What do you expect, a miracle?"