So, I was home sick with bronchitis and decided to spend the better part of an hour amusing myself with the 'Spock is not impressed' meme. It turned out not to be the best idea because I laughed so hard I induced a horrendous coughing fit which made me vomit. And of course my mom was not impressed when I told her I threw up because 'Spock made me'.
But the point is, I had an epiphany. I realized I have been seriously neglecting Star Trek fanfiction and shame on me. So to make up for it, this little story was born and now I'm posting it. Plus it made me feel a little better writing it. Obviously, it's based on the whole 'Spock is not impressed' thing (google it, if you don't know what it is, and possibly be prepared to pee your pants) and it's got some implied Spock/Uhura at the end.
Warning: Super ridiculous technobabble ahead. And other kinds of babble. Enter at own risk.
Enjoy. -NineKindsofCrazy
Pavel Chekov was proud to be Russian. And, as most of the crew on the Enterprise knew, he frequently liked to note some of mother Russia's greatest inventions.
"… Of course I've heard of quadrotriticale, it was inwented in Russia, you know…."
"… Yes, I believe that was inwented by a man from just outside of Moscow…."
"… Karate was inwented in Russia! …. The Chinese stole it from them…."
"… Ah, 'a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush'. Another great saying inwented in Russia…."
Commander Spock, as most of the crew on the Enterprise knew, was an extremely hard person to impress. And Chekov was sure he must be imagining it, but as he was faced with the Vulcan First Officer's indifferent stance and expression, Chekov couldn't help but get the feeling that Spock was not impressed with Russian inventions.
"So how many computers have I outwitted now, Spock? Eight, nine?"
"Nine, Captain. If you count the creature on Kappa Trianguli as a computer."
"Don't know what else it could've been. I convinced it to self-destruct, after all."
"Using redundantly circular logic. It was a very primitive machine at best, Captain."
"Hmph…. Well, half of them thought they were gods. And three of them controlled their planets' entire technological systems, not to mention the one that took over the Enterprise too, and there was that one that used radio waves to control the native's minds…. Still, nine computers. Outsmarted by a mere human. Pretty impressive, eh Spock?" Kirk raised his eyebrows at his first officer.
The only response he got was a stoic Vulcan looking at him impassively with his arms across his chest.
"Guess not," sighed Kirk.
"Mr. Sulu, may I inquire as to how you were able to escape that prison unarmed and alone?"
"Oh, it was nothing. You see, I learned jujitsu when I was six and I was able to take down the guards. Then I stole one of their sword-like things and fenced my way outside past the priestess and her bodyguards. After that I just incapacitated the warden with a well placed jab in the neck and stole back my communicator, which I then rewired to circumvent their interference transponders and voila, contacted the Enterprise."
Judging from the way Spock was staring at him blankly, arms crossed, Sulu thought Spock either didn't believe a word he'd said or Spock was just not impressed.
"I'm telling you, I know this ship better than the lads who build it! Go ahead, ask me anything you think could go wrong with the Enterprise, and I bet I can tell you how to fix it!"
"You're on, Scotty. Okay… what would you do if… there were errors in the magnesite-nitron interverters?"
"Ah, that's easy. Simply align the nucleonic subroutine C-47 with an auxiliary electroplasma system."
"Uh… alright then, how about... the cooling subspace module starts collapsing?"
"I'd just readjust the nanopulse transporter modules with modesty reaction. Easier said than done, of course."
"Oh, I have one Mister Scott! What if there was a malfunction in the werterium cortenide warp core?"
"Verterium cortenide warp core? That's a bit tougher…. But I'd have to say I'd balance the docking discriminator with pulsary nanoprobes."
"Wow, you are wery good."
"What about you Spock? You got anything you think you could stump Scotty with?"
Spock barely glanced up from the scans he was monitoring. "Negative."
"Nothing, Spock? Too impressed by Scotty's expansive knowledge of the Enterprise?"
"Negative. I simply think time would be better served in surveying Mesarthim IV as opposed to proposing hypothetical situations that are statistically unlikely to ever occur."
"Come on, Spock. I know that I could compensate the axionic subspace decompiler with a tetracyanate magnaspanner if there disturbances in the progressive viewer! How many other engineers in Starfleet know that? You can't just stand there and act like you're not impressed, man."
Apparently he could, if Spock's folded arms and disinterested appearance were anything to go by. He couldn't even spare an eyebrow lift.
"I put your brain back in your head! How can you not be impressed with that?"
"You operated under the instruction of ancient alien wisdom and technology."
"Well, there sure weren't any aliens performing the surgery for me. I had the knowledge to put your brain in that thick-headed skull of yours. I had knowledge that we didn't even know existed in the universe!"
"You did not retain the knowledge. In fact, you could not have finished replacing my brain if I had not assisted you."
"That's… not even the point.… Your brain! Your brain was gone, Spock! You were as good as dead, but I kept you alive long enough to get your brain back where it goes, functioning and everything! All the ganglia, the millions of neurons, functioning perfectly."
It was useless. McCoy was a doctor and he knew a hopeless case when he saw one. No matter how much he emphasized the word brain, nothing about the situation was going to impress Spock. He was just going to cross his arms and pretend like the whole thing wasn't a damn near impossible miracle.
Blasted Vulcan…. Maybe McCoy hadn't reconnected his brain correctly after all….
Spock was looking into the face of an almost eleven month old quarter-Vulcan. The baby in his arms stared back at him with deep brown eyes, babbling away incoherently and occasionally reaching up in an attempt to grab Spock's ears.
He could hear Uhura's soft voice cooing beside him, talking to their son.
And then, the child Spock was holding lifted his hand and poked a tiny finger in Spock's cheek.
"Da- da." The baby pronounced, and then he laughed and brought his hands together as if he were trying to clap.
Uhura gasped quietly. "Did you hear? He said his first word."
"Indeed."
And Spock found he… was impressed.
The End.
P.S.: I love the episode Spock's Brain. Don't hold it against me.