The Once and Future King.
"Someday on the greatest times of need, he'll return from the place where he sleeps in wait, their beloved Once and Future King".
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I still remember my childhood, when my father used to pretend he loved me. On a time when everything seemed to be much better than it is now. When in daily basis, life used to smile back at me. So short were those days, but they were enough to make me understand what it meant to care for someone, even when it was just out of commitment, or because you were told to do so.
My dad used to relate me, on those nights when nightmares made me their prey, the legend of a magnificent, powerful and honorable King, who died for the love of his people; one King so brave that made his memory remain, and whom everyone expects will come back and help us when we most need of him.
"He sleeps on the hollow hills, on the crystal cave; or perhaps on the great land of Avalon" my dad said "he was taken there by his wise best friend, and is now protected by the fairy people and their magic"... their magic, how much I longed for those days when I was allow to believe in magic!
I still remember how excited I felt whenever I heard the adventures of that great King, his joys, his misfortunes, and his broken heart. "I want to be just like him, daddy" I used to whisper before falling asleep, and in my dreams, I always saw myself brandishing the most wonderful sword ever made, fighting against evil knights, wearing a shining armor, with a red banner preceding my name; and coming back every single night to that gorgeous woman I called my queen. How amazing it was to be a child! Having nothing to worry about, and a bright future ahead of me.
But the years went by, until suddenly one day my dad said that I was way too old to go to him crying because I had a nightmare, that I needed to be bold enough to face my own fears, and that he was not willing to comfort me anymore, that he was tired of me needing him to be able to sleep. It is very difficult for a child of just six years to be treated with such rudeness. It was then when magic started to crumble, and it was finally destroyed one day when my mother said to some friend of hers –without noticing I was around– that her son was not made to receive honors, that my future was nothing compare to the future of my cousins, because I was not of noble blood nor did I have their bravery.
My dad denied me a dream and my mom destroyed my future. What was I supposed to be then? I went over the legend of my glorious King, and I tried to find myself in one of its characters; one better suited to my low and coward being; because I was not brave like his knights, I was not the son of a Nobleman, and I did not have any of the qualities of the heroes.
My heart was full of bitterness, the bitterness left by my most beloved childish dream when it vanished. In that exact moment my mind started to create an idea, I have to admit it was not the brightest idea I have had, but it allowed me to grow up protecting my soul from the pain. The idea was this: "if you cannot be the hero then you shall be the worst villain of them all". From that day on, I started to learn the dark arts of cruelty, meanness and indifference. And to my surprise, it was not complicated at all to become the evil one on my own story, but in silence and almost without noticing it, I was suffering, because once I had wished to be the hero everyone could love, but instead I had became the man no one wanted by their side. Everyone despised me. No one enjoyed my companionship. And as a payment to such a kind treatment, I became more and more... inhuman? Yes, probably that is the word that best describes me.
On those days I met a woman, blonde like the Queen of the legend, with a beauty so astonishing and the most impressive eyes I ever saw. She did not treat me with affection, but even when I tried to make her life miserable, she didn't seem to hate me. She even defended me from others. Because of her my childish illusions tried to wake up, but the custom is way stronger than a simple dream, and a broken heart will always wear fear as its armor. I told myself a thousand times that she was not worthy of someone like me, that I could not be so weak; but still I believe I loved her, I cannot be sure but I do can tell that what I felt for her, I never felt before.
And being the villain I was, I tried to force her, first to be with me, and then to become my wife; and in both chances I almost did what I intended. I never felt more related to the evil characters of that legend I so loved, those I hated when I was an innocent kid, forcing the Lady to be mine, without paying any attention to her needs and affections.
I do not intent to excuse myself for my actions but, what else could I do? I had become so despicable that I knew she would not even accept to chat with me. Luckily for both of us, the real hero of this story arose, and he snatched me away with a single move. He WAS worthy of her, he DID deserve one of those grateful glances of her eyes that I craved for, and I... I only received a fearful look, full of anger and disapproval from the woman I thought I loved. To her eyes, and my own, I had become a monster; and as a punishment for my hideous performance, I was banished. With my acts, instead of becoming the rightful owner of the great "Camelot", I earned the permission to wander around the dismal and bleak "Dolorous Garde". How far away I was from what I had once wanted to be!
The child inside me cried for the sad present that had become of that great future I was supposed to have. The man, instead, kept more resentment on his heart. Resentment against the Hero, the destiny and himself, because he wasn't strong enough to fight for his wishes, for having allowed himself to become an evil man, and especially, for not being brave enough and thus let his dream be hidden on the hollow crystal hills.
But to be banished was the best thing that could ever happen to me. Living on new lands, being away of everyone who made me think I did not deserve to reach my dreams; I was able to redeem my actions. Grasping to my shame and my sadness, I started to make a name for myself, I started to prove my courage, and to my surprise, I turned out to be a better man that I could ever imagine. The hard work allowed me to forge myself a strong character, entirely opposite to the coward one I had. My decisions were mine, and the ghosts of my parent's words ceased to haunt me. Slowly I became a good man. I was not yet able to fancy the title of "knight", but I was no longer the mean man I once was.
After a few months, I had the joy of finding the Hero and my Queen, or perhaps I should say HIS Queen. They were together now, and what a wonderful couple they made, surrounded by the most wonderful halo of honor, sweetness, kindness, and humility. For a second, I felt I was the worst of men, but then with an honest smile and a look full of pride, she told me she knew I wasn't evil anymore, that I was merely misunderstood. He offered to help me to claim my rightful place back home, but I refused. Not out of conceit but fear. Yes, I was afraid to lose myself again on the jaws of arrogance if I reentered the lands I was banished from; the sole idea of going back to be a villain, bitter, sad and lonely, petrified me. I thank him from the bottom of my heart, but I stayed were I was. She asked me if it was OK for her to keep in touch, and then we became friends. Can you believe that? The villain and the Queen he almost dishonored! I never heard of something so absurd!
Then she did something I believed impossible, she injected a new sense of innocence to my soul. She awoke the kid who had been hidden and quiet inside of me; and re encouraged my childish dreams of greatness. I was no longer a kid, but I allowed myself to believe again on that character whom helped me so much trough my infancy.
Now, after some years, a redeemed life, an honest friendship with Hero and Queen; after a thousand adventures and misfortunes, I have finally found my rightful place on this heart. Now more than ever the words "the Queen's champion will always be a knight who loves her in silence" seem to me so accurate; but the love I feel for her is clean and free of desire, more like the love I never showed to my sister. And it is nothing compared to the love I feel for the woman who now shares my life. Her name, I rather not tell, but I can say that she was the one who gave me the answer I always looked for, and since then, I was hers, body and soul.
She didn't know about my fondness for the Arthurian legend, but one day while we were walking on the shore, answering a "why me" she said: "you were reborn, Neal. It is wonderful what you did. You know? I can help but compare you to a metaphor, from a children's tale. I think you are like that King who sleeps on the hollow hills or the crystal caves. Like him, you awoke when I needed you the most and you gave me a reason to smile again. Who would've had thought? The villain was magically turned into a Hero! To me, you are like that King, a valiant and beloved man who was awoken from the dark depths inside him, to become the better man he could ever be".
She is now reason to be. My Queen is not blonde like the one of the legend, but she is gorgeous; and unlike the story, her love belongs to only me. To her, I am the bravest of knights, and my past –she says– is something I had to go through to become "her beloved Once and Future King".