This Place is Poison!
- An FMA Crackfic -
Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, nor am I affiliated in any way with the copyright owners of Fullmetal Alchemist. Fullmetal Alchemist's story line and characters are copyrighted to Hiromu Arakawa and the various companies who produced the manga, anime and merchandise.
Warning(s): Major crack. Reverse self-insert. Badly written on purpose. First anime series episode 13 spoilers.
A/N: Oneshot. Complete. Inspired by a conversation I had with a friend of mine (Joss!) about what might happen if the Elrics were ever to show up in our world. That, and I wanted to try my hand at one of these. No DVDs were harmed in the writing of this crackfic.
One day, Alima was watching TV with her little brother, Mikey. She was watching her Fullmetal Alchemist DVDs for the billionth time that year. Her favorite episode was currently playing. Ah yes, it was episode thirteen: Fullmetal vs. Flame. She cooed over the little black and white puppy. She awwwed when Edward was petting the kitten in Al's armor. She laughed when Roy gave his 'I love dogs!' speech. She reacted the way every rabid fangirl is expected to.
The most amazing thing happened about two-thirds of the way through the episode, during the battle assessment, when Roy used his fire alchemy to quickly get the better of Ed. As Edward flew through the air, looking for the world like he was going to crash into the screen, there was a bright flash of light, and Alima found herself looking down at a brightly colored cartoon boy laying on her carpet. The boy was laying on his back, unconscious.
"Ummm..." she turned to look at her little brother, just to be sure she wasn't imagining things. The look on his face mirrored her own look of disbelief.
"Alima... Did that really just happen?" Mikey turned and reached for the remote, which he then pointed at the DVD player and pressed the pause button.
Alima stood from her place on the couch and carefully made her way to the animated teen. She regarded him carefully before prodding him with her boot. "Hey, wake up." When she got no response, she nudged him harder.
Edward mumbled and opened his eyes, blinking a few times to focus on his surroundings. Suddenly, he shot up and crouched into a fighting stance, looking around wildly. "Where is he? Where's that smug Colonel?" he continued to look around, stopping only when his eyes rested on the TV. "There he is!" in his confusion, he lunged at what, to him, was a strange glowing box that Mustang's smug face was staring out at him from. He yelped when his flesh hand met the glass. "What the hell is this?"
"Don't break my TV!" Alima yelled, grabbing at the red jacket and yanking the boy back.
Edward turned and glared at the girl who dared keep him from his fight with his corrupt commanding officer. He opened his mouth to speak, but before any words could be uttered, he grabbed at his throat and began coughing. Still gasping for breath, the blond cartoon sank to his knees, which were slowly turning into liquid. He removed one of his hands from his throat and stared at it in shock. White fluid was running down his arm and dripping off his elbow. "Wha... What's happening?" he wailed, reaching out with his melting hand to Alima, who quickly backed away. "Help me."
"Ewww..." she curled her lip at the mess being made on the carpet.
Mikey drew his legs onto the couch to avoid having the liquid touch his shoes. "That's messed up..." he remarked.
The siblings continued to stare as Edward continued to melt, the bright colors running together in a bubbling puddle.
"Is he dead?" Mikey asked, his hand covering his mouth. He had expected the boy to scream in pain as he dissolved, but the teen had remained mostly silent, only grunting in horror as he watched himself disappear.
Alima scoffed. "No, of course not. He's a cartoon. Cartoons don't die, they just become reruns."
Mikey nodded sadly, turning back to the remote and pressing the play button. He was curious if the show would continue now that the main character had been reduced to nothing in the family room. Instead, the DVD tray opened, revealing a charred disc. "Uh oh."
Alima walked the few steps between her at the entertainment center and took the ruined disc from the machine. As soon as her fingers touched the blackened plastic, it crumbled into nothing. She sighed at the loss."Mom! A cartoon fell out of the TV! And... he melted..." she cried as she stared at the red and gold puddle in the middle of her living room floor.
"Well, you know where the cleaning stuff is! You take care of it!" an adult voice called out from another part of the house.
"Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have bought that DVD at the Amityville auction..." Alima grumbled as she made her way to the linen closet for some towels to soak up the inky mess left by Edward Elric.
A/N (con't): OMG! I can't believe I wrote this... But, it had been playing in my head for about a month, and would not let me rest until I got it out and shared it with the world. Please don't hate me. If you must hate something, hate the story.