"What is that?" Loki asked, staring at the platter of food waiting on my kitchen counter.
"Those are chili cheese bacon hot dogs." I told him. "I made them myself."
It was the middle of May, we had decent weather, finally, and I'd invited a few Avenger friends - Afreingers? - over for an impromptu picnic on my nearly-fully-restored terrace. Thor had shown up unexpectedly, before any other guests, little brother in tow. Thor looked worried and stern and Loki looked worried and contrite and I thought for a minute that it was going to be one of those 'apologize to Mr. Stark for breaking his window' moments.
Turns out Loki had been rehabilitated. Or was rehabilitating. Or was something. And 'apologize to the nice neighbor' turned into something more like, 'Mom and Dad said I couldn't go out unless I brought the Squirt with me, too'.
All in all, it was a bit surreal.
So, now the rest of the guests had arrived and Thor was on the terrace explaining to Barton why he didn't need to annihilate Loki unless he wanted his head redecorated. I was in the kitchen, getting the food ready, being kept company by Loki like the fifth wheel he was turning out to be on this visit.
"Chili cheese bacon hot dogs." Loki repeated like he was memorizing a chemical formula. "What does one do with them?"
He sounded strange. Mostly because he didn't sound like a crazed overlord dictator wanna-be. He didn't look like one either. He was wearing a green button down shirt, black trousers that would pass for dress pants here on earth and black boots. He could walk out into public and blend right in, unlike Thor who came sporting his usual 'why yes, I am a smoking hot demigod, thanks for noticing' outfit.
But Loki looked and sounded like a polite young man who found himself in a strange situation and was using what was going on around him to keep himself grounded.
Like I said – surreal.
"Well, 'one' eats them. We're having them for dinner." Then just to be sure he knew he was included in that, I added, "You're having one for dinner."
He looked at me, he looked at my culinary masterpiece, he looked back at me.
"You expect me to put that in my mouth?"
"Uhhh – unless you've discovered an alternate way of getting food into your stomach…" I said. Honestly, I would've laughed at how incredulous he looked except that he looked so seriously incredulous, and even a tad bit afraid.
I guess they don't have chili bacon cheese dogs on Asgard. I took pity on his slightly queasy expression
"Look, why don't you grab whatever you like out of my refrigerator." I nodded at the fridge behind him. I grabbed the platter of hot dogs to bring out onto the terrace. "Just help yourself."
He nodded, looking a bit like I was offering him spiders or something equally disturbing, but still trying to be polite. I carried the food out to the terrace where Barton and Thor were trying to glare holes in each other's heads.
"Where is my brother?" Thor asked me. In that 'tell me or I shall smite you' tone of voice he uses for casual occasions.
"He's fine, big guy. We're having a nice chat in the kitchen. We'll call if we need you."
I pushed the platter at him until he took it, then I headed back to the kitchen to get the salad.
Loki had gotten himself a small bowl of green grapes out of the fridge and was sitting on a stool at my island, looking like the nerd kid brother sitting alone on the bleachers reading an AP chemistry book while big brother and friends were off schmoozing the cheerleaders.
He actually kind of looked sad sitting there. Like he knew he was the lame kid brother who nobody wanted around, who got brought along only because there was nothing else to do with him.
It was hard to believe he was the intergalactic terrorist who'd held the world in thrall not that long ago.
"Party's on the terrace, you know." I said.
"And were I to join it, it would cease to be a party."
Well, he had me there.
I went to the fridge and brought out a block of cheese and started cutting it into thick slices onto a small plate.
"So, explain to me again how this 'rehabilitation' things works." I asked him. "Thor was kind of short on details and long on 'because I say so.'"
I actually had a pretty good idea, it was a combination of magic, the Asgardian equivalent of psychotropic meds, and re-socialization and it was supposed to block his evil overlord tendencies. But I wanted to hear Loki's take on it.
"It is much like the gag I wore when Thor removed me from your planet. Only this is more of a – a – brain gag. It blocks my ability to use magic, but also has some effect on my emotions. My – my – rage – I suppose. It is supposed to control my passion, but really all it seems to have done is made me cease caring about anything at all."
I was wondering if it acted like a truth serum as well, for the prompt, honest, detailed answer I was getting.
"Didn't want to come on this trip?" I asked, even though I figured I knew the answer.
He let out a deep sigh like he'd only been waiting to be asked the question.
"I want nothing more than to be back in my bed."
"Spending a lot of time there, lately, are we?"
He looked like maybe he was going to disagree, then maybe like he was embarrassed, and then maybe like he was relieved to be able to talk about it. He nodded.
"Let me guess," I started. I popped a piece of cheese in my mouth and set the rest of the plate in front of Loki. "Your parents forced you on this little field trip?"
"Yes."
"So, I'm guessing it was like – what's your Mom's name?"
He looked surprised by the question but he answered, "Frigga."
"Frigga. Frigga? Okay – so I bet your Dad was like –" I aped an exaggeratedly deep voice, "'Frigga, he can't spend the rest of his life in his bedroom,' and your Mom was like –" I switched to a high pitched woman's voice. " – 'No, Odin, it's too soon. He needs to rest…'"
To my surprise but also to my relief and satisfaction, Loki smiled. It was actually a genuine, shy, even engaging smile.
"Yes, I think it transpired very much like that."
"Yeah, parents are pretty much the same all over." I said. "Hey, you should bring your folks for a visit sometime, you and Thor. I'd like to meet them."
"Odin is not an easy man to bear, even in casual circumstances."
"Ha. I survived my Dad; I'll survive yours."
"Mine is a demi-god." Loki pointed out. I didn't smile but from what I'd learned from Thor in the past about Loki's mindset, I figured it was a huge step that he was referring to Odin as his Dad. I pretended I was considering what he said.
"Naah, I still stand by what I said."
He smiled and picked up a slice of cheese and lost the smile.
"I do appreciate your hospitality but I can't imagine that all is as 'forgiven and forgotten' as it would appear."
"Yeah, well…" I set the block of cheese back in the refrigerator. "You're right. There's a ton of stuff – I mean, where do you even start? But – there isn't one person out on my terrace right now who hasn't been given a second chance at redemption. I'm willing to give you a chance."
He blinked a couple of times and very obviously swallowed.
"Thank you for your honesty, Mr. Stark." He said. "Thank you for saying that not all is forgiven and forgotten. But also thank you for not saying that all is not forgiven nor forgotten."
"So – c'mon out to the terrace."
"No. I'll stay here and eat your grapes and wait for Thor to decide we've trespassed long enough and it's safe to return home."
"What do you do at home?"
"I stay in my chambers, primarily. As you gathered. In all honesty, there are times I miss my cell. At least there I was free from the constant admonitions to buck up, persevere, be happy."
He rolled his eyes and sighed and ate the piece of cheese he was still holding.
"You know what?" I said. "Ask your Dad sometime if you can borrow the car and come for a visit by yourself."
"Why?"
"Because it sounds like you could use some time away from Mom and Dad and Big Brother watching your every move."
He tipped his head like he was considering me, weighing my words, or the motivation behind them.
"Pardon my continuing incredulity – I am very, very grateful for your welcome and hospitality – but that doesn't answer my question."
Since I didn't have a ready answer for that question, I evaded it.
"You know, I gotta ask – when you were growing up, did you and Thor have to study sword fighting, war craft, battlefield surgery, and elocution?"
He gave me such a puzzled look that I let it drop.
What was I supposed to say? That I have a soft spot for kicked puppies, which he was looking like right now. I laugh in the face of danger? I only feel alive when I'm in immediate danger of dying? I really like annoying Thor?
"Honestly, I don't know. I just think that if this rehabilitation thing is going to work, you need to spend time around somebody who isn't going to treat you like a melted candle or a lit fuse."
He blinked again, rapidly.
"Thank you. That is very kind of you."
"Stark's being kind?" That was Bruce, coming into the kitchen. "Is the world coming to an end again?"
I gave him a 'ha ha' look but Loki seemed to pull back into himself, until Bruce turned to him and smiled.
"How're you doing, Loki?"
"I – uh – I am well, thank you for asking. I hope that you've been well, as well."
It sounded a little bit like a question. Well, more of a question than it already was. I thought he must've pulled it out some royal protocol of 'questions to ask when you're terrified of the person talking to you'.
"I have been well, thanks." Bruce said.
"You know, evil overlord tendencies aside," I said to Loki, "You really are much nicer than Thor, even on his best day. Speaking of which – " I turned back to Bruce "- who's keeping an eye on the rockem sockem robots?"
"Pepper threatened them with personal bodily harm if they disturb the peace. She sent me for the salad."
Loki suddenly looked like somebody suddenly pulled a gun on him.
"I'm keeping you from your guests."
Like he was keeping me there against my will.
"You're my guest, too." I pointed out to him.
"No, I – I – " He stammered and looked down at the grapes and cheese like they were further confirmation that I meant what I said. I thought the shock alone would kill him. "Ohhh…"
Bruce smiled and I rolled my eyes and he took the salad out to the terrace.
"Please don't tell me you've never been a guest before." I said to Loki.
"There – uh – there was a feast in my honor when I completed university, and then when I attained my majority. But to be invited into someone's home –" He looked around my kitchen, up at the ceiling and around at the cupboards when he said that – "Other than a few times in my childhood, when I was invited to the homes of schoolmates for birthday celebrations or what have you, I – no – I've not been a guest very often."
"Hard to be the king's son." I offered.
"Harder to be a child with a penchant for mischief and no incentive to endear himself to his peers."
"Well-behaved children are so boring." I said. It got me another smile from Loki. A sad smile.
"But perhaps not as lonely." He said.
Yep, elocution and truth serum. Without a doubt.
"I'm sorry." Loki said then. "Surely I'm the last person in the Nine Realms who should be complaining about anything. And to be unburdening myself to you of all people is the height of poor taste."
He looked down at his grapes and cheese but didn't eat any more of them. He pushed at the plates with his finger and – if possible – he looked even sadder.
"Actually, I'm the perfect person to unburden to." I said. I waited for Loki to look up and ask,
"Why?"
"Because I'm willing to listen."
That took him a moment to answer.
"That is quite more than I deserve, I assure you."
At that moment, I didn't agree with him.
"You don't talk to anyone at home?" I asked.
He shook his head and took another bite of cheese.
"Thor believes that all care can be ameliorated with physical activity and high spirits. And ale. Mother on the other hand is much too solicitous and cautious on my behalf and is forever assessing my physical health and determining whether or not I've eaten enough."
Yep, that sounded like a Mom and a big brother.
"And your Dad?"
Loki shrugged.
"Father bids me walk with him every evening, when the hallways of the palace are not busy. We walk to the parapet and watch the sun set over the mountains, then he walks me back to my chambers and bids me goodnight."
"No talking?"
"He doesn't require it and I don't fancy it. In any event, Father seems to know already all of what lies on my soul."
Something about the way he said that jogged something in my mind. Something unpleasant.
"Were you tortured?" I asked. Loki looked horrified.
"No. Of course not. Father would never – "
"No. Not Asgard. Not your Dad. When you fell off of Asgard, wherever you landed where you met up with the chitauri – did they torture you?"
Really, I had my answer just from the look on his face and the way his breathing picked up. So, when he started evading the question -
"I admit, they did have a rather emphatic manner of inducement which they employed upon me to –"
- I didn't want to wade through the verbiage.
"Loki?"
"Yes." He said, answering my question. "And while they possess a rather sophisticated means of inflicting physical pain, it was nothing compared to the pain they inflicted on my spirit. Although, I admit, for that I provided them a rather sturdy platform on which to build."
He'd been tortured. The polite young man sitting in my kitchen eating my grapes and making pleasant conversation had been tortured, physically and psychologically and probably in ways nobody on earth or even Asgard could imagine.
"Do your parents know?"
"Father guessed."
"Trust me – he didn't guess. He looked at you, he looked at his son, and he knew."
It took a few long seconds but Loki nodded.
"It did occur to me that that may have been the case, but I thought it might just have been wishful thinking on my part."
Just as I was about to assure him that it wasn't wishful thinking that his father would know and understand him that well, Pepper appeared in the kitchen, carrying two plates of salad.
"Hey, guys." She said. She sounded fine, casual, no big deal, but I knew it was an act. A 'play the polite hostess' act. Rehabilitating now or not, Loki had killed Coulson – Phil – and Pepper would never forgive him for that.
Loki apparently understood that. He went very still and very straight and seemed to be waiting for what would happen next. His eyes were wide.
But all that happened was that Pepper set the plates of salad down in front of us. Loki deflated like somebody had popped his balloon.
"Thank you. That is most kind of you."
There was a moment's pause, when anything might have gotten said, then Pepper smiled and it was almost 100% genuine.
Okay, well it was more than 12%, anyway.
"I wasn't sure what you might like and Thor had no clue, so – "
She let it hang there and Loki – I'm pretty sure – opened up his trove of royal manners again for how to behave in very awkward moments. He smiled his engaging smile.
"It's excellent. I do thank you."
"You're welcome." Pepper said with a maybe 18% smile.
"How are things going out there?" I asked her.
"Tense, but at least nobody is chewing through the cutlery. That's a good thing."
"I'm sorry to have disrupted your plans for the evening, Miss Potts." Loki said, in his 'polite young man' voice. He paused and looked down and his mouth pulled down in a grimace. "I'm sorry for so many things."
It looked like he was going to say something else, but he didn't and Pepper smiled her own grimace at me and went back to the terrace.
"I thought maybe you were going to add something to that." I said.
"Yes, well…" Loki pulled his plate of salad closer and picked up a cherry tomato. I had the fleeting thought that maybe Pepper had spit in his salad and maybe I should engineer a switch. And then I thought that letting Loki stay here even just for dinner might be enough for her to spit in my salad too, so I left it alone, while Loki explained.
"I had thought to apologize for – for everything. I am aware that I killed a very close friend of yours and hers and I was going to offer my regret, but I realized that anything of that sort at that moment would have been pathetically inadequate, monstrously ill-timed and boorishly self-serving."
"Still – I think she was waiting to hear it."
He nodded and ate the cherry tomato and looked like he was so very tired of so many things.
"Perhaps if the moment presents itself again."
I was going to ask if he wanted to take a walk, get some air. But the city was still rebuilding and he probably didn't want or need to see what was left of the destruction he caused. A board game maybe. A game of cards. Tiddly Winks. Something. Anything. Just to get his mind somewhere else.
"Truly, Mr. Stark." He said, like he could read my mind. "You needn't neglect your guests – your other guests – any longer on my account. Simply allowing me over your threshold was quite more than I expected and infinitely more than I deserve. You can be assured that I will wreak no havoc, unleash no devastation, attempt to conquer nothing more than this food you have graciously provided me if left on my own."
He smiled, trying to sell it to me, but I wasn't buying. But before I could say anything else, Pepper reappeared, carrying two chili cheese bacon dogs on two plates.
"These are going fast. I didn't want you to miss out."
She said it pleasantly but was turning and walking away almost before she set the plates down.
"The moment is passing." I sing-song stage whispered to Loki. He stood up fast, squeaking the stool against the floor.
"Miss Potts?"
She stopped and turned back; the stiff look on her face told me that she was running out of 'polite hostess' minutes. Loki took a few steps around the island but stopped several feet short of her.
"What I meant to say before is – I am very sorry for all the pain and loss and devastation that I have caused in your life. I'm not asking your forgiveness; I'm not even asking that you believe my remorse. I only wanted the chance to tell you. And – I apologize if this wasn't the right moment." Then he added, like he was talking to himself, "As if there could ever be the right moment."
I didn't expect Pepper to forgive Loki, and she didn't. And she didn't have to. She nodded, "All right," and left us alone again.
Loki sank back down on the stool.
"I don't understand why Father ever said we should come here."
"Your Dad specifically told you to come here?" I asked. I actually kind of thought they'd come here because I was the only place Thor could think of, not because Dad-the-demi-god had authorized it.
"Yes. Specifically here, specifically now. Mother says that there's always a purpose to what Father does but I can't imagine he wanted to inflict more pain on the people I've already harmed so much."
He took a few sharp, shallow breaths. More than a few.
"Would you – might I impose upon you further and ask you to send Thor to me? I believe I must call a halt to this – this – surely Father can think of ways to humble me without devastating the feelings of others."
"You think your Dad sent you here to hurt you?"
Just from the little bit Loki had just told me of a Dad who took his broken son every night to watch the sunset, I didn't think that was a Dad who would go out of his way to hurt him.
"What other purpose could there be?" Loki asked.
"You tell me."
He thought about it, eyes down on his increasingly untouched snack. He shrugged and shook his head, all kind of in the same gesture.
"You think maybe he was hoping it would help you, somehow? You think maybe he's got this kid, his kid, who's depressed and hurting and he doesn't know how to help him? That maybe he's flying blind on this, making it up as he goes?"
"Odin always knows what he's doing."
"Yeah, as King. Banishing Thor was a king's problem and a king's decision. You sitting all day alone in your room is a father's problem. And Odin can't just issue a proclamation or edict or whatever it is kings issue to make things happen and make you feel better."
Loki chewed on that for a moment or two. I got the impression he'd been giving it some thought even before I brought it up.
"I sometimes think that since his initial plans for me have been rendered moot, he is attempting to discover to what other use I might be put."
"Wow, that's kind of harsh on the old man." I said.
Loki shrugged. "A 'king's decision' as you say."
"What were his original plans for you?"
He looked embarrassed, he looked like he was deeply considering what he was going to say to me.
"I am of Jotun blood." He said. He didn't look at me when he said it. "At least partly. At the end of the last war with Jotunheim, when I was an infant, Father plucked me from the snow and brought me to Asgard. He told me, when he finally did tell me, that he intended, he hoped, to bring peace to both our worlds through me."
"Through you how?"
"I'm not sure. He only said he wanted to 'unite our kingdoms'."
"You think maybe he meant you'd be king of Jotunheim?"
He shrugged.
"Perhaps."
"And the Jotuns, they're a cranky bunch, are they?"
"They are an aggressively warrior race, yes."
"Huh." I gave a thorough look to my salad and then ate a snap pea. I considered everything Thor had told me of his family situation and what had been going on in Asgard before Loki made SHIELD's acquaintance. "Who runs Asgard when Odin is taking his Odin sleep?"
"Mother. The Queen does."
"So – Odin was going to make Thor King of Asgard, right there where Mom and Dad would be standing right behind him. But you – Odin thought you not only could rule Jotunheim on your own, but that you could bring that warrior race to peace. Good lord, you're right. That man hates you."
Well, Loki spent a good long minute letting that sink in. I guess the possibility - probability - that his Dad had that much confidence in him came as a surprise to Loki.
"I hadn't considered that that might be – that is, Father never said what his precise plan entailed."
"Did you give him the chance to lay out his precise plan?"
He had the good grace to look abashed.
"No, I didn't. I accused him of abominable things and - and – he collapsed and had to go immediately into Odin-sleep. The next time we talked was when I'd been returned to Asgard to face justice. Our conversations since then have been less than significant."
"Oh, I don't know. I think what your Dad is saying every time you watch the sunset together is pretty significant."
As soon as that thought hit Loki, he looked like he was in so much pain I considered risking my life and alerting Thor that his brother needed him because I'd caused him some hurt.
"I – I have never let myself believe that. I've never – I've only thought that the time we spend together is as uncomfortable for him as it is for me. That he sought my company only from some outdated sense of duty or perhaps because Mother made him. I never thought – "
He stopped short and turned his attention back to the plates in front of himself so abruptly I got the impression he was reeling all his emotions back into himself and out of public view. Then his expression evened out. He pulled the salad closer to himself and ate it with his fingers.
I was going to get Thor to come in anyway, I thought Loki needed his brother, but he beat me to it and marched into my kitchen a few bites of salad later.
"How are you faring, brother?" He asked Loki, while giving me the 'I will smite you if you harmed him' look.
"Could we perhaps return home, now?" Loki asked. Thor bristled so obviously, I expected lightning to strike at any moment.
"Why? What's happened? What did Stark say to you?"
"All is well, Thor. Truly. Mr. Stark and I had a very pleasant conversation. I just –" Loki gave a long look to me. "I would like to get back in time to watch the sunset with Father."
Even though his relief was obvious, I think Thor was a little put out that he didn't get to smite anyone. "Of course. We will take our leave then." Not nearly as polite as his little brother, he simply turned on his heel and marched back out of the kitchen, heading for the smaller, service terrace where they'd first arrived this visit. Loki stood up to follow him out.
"Thank you, Mr. Stark. For everything."
"You're welcome. Enjoy your sunset."
He nodded and smiled and started to walk out. Then he stopped, just long enough to grab his chili bacon cheese hot dog. He raised it in half a salute, took a bite out of it, then carried it with him as he hurried to catch up with his brother.
The end.