This wasn't how this was supposed to go. They were supposed to ride back in the lions, celebrate and have fun. Reconnect. This wasn't how this was supposed to go.
It had taken a year, but they had finally found Sam and Matt Holt. They were on a Galra war ship, closely orbiting near Cerberos, unseen on earthly radars but nonetheless there. The Paladins had fought valiantly to the cells and finally found them. Pidge and Shiro cried. So did Sam and Matt. Pidge could still feel the tingling sensations on their body from every touch and embrace they had been deprived of for so long.
It's funny really how every hope you ever had can be shattered in a single moment, as easy as a glass splintering as it breaks with a sharp clash, the pieces of glass reminiscent of a broken heart.
Looking at their brother and father lying dead on the floor, Pidge felt as though they had had the breath knocked out of them, and a rug swept from under their feet at the same time. They were frozen in time, in place; couldn't move, couldn't breath. Sound was muffled, and the only thing in focus were the bodies of her family lying in the pools of their own blood. They felt sick. Like this was some cruel cosmic joke the universe was playing on her
A single moment Pidge was back, but different. Her body felt numb, and a ragged scream tore itself from her throat. Tears fell down her eyes, warm and salty. She felt exhausted, but right now she couldn't have stopped herself; she was running on the adrenaline and anger coursing through her veins. She felt her bayard activate, and running forward, she didn't have a plan; tactics and strategy were lost on her. She was on auto-pilot, and it looked like she was going in for the kill.
She didn't care.
Before she knew it the Galra that had stabbed them both through the heart, had died the same death. Pidge felt a ruthless sort of satisfaction, and the urge to be sick.
That was the last thing she had felt in two weeks.
The ride home had been awful, unbearable even. Green's soft purrs had rumbled through the cockpit, but it failed to comfort Pidge. Green was intelligent, like her paladin, and it didn't take her long to figure that nothing could comfort Pidge. The bond was suddenly bittersweet.
Green cared for Pidge the best they could, but Pidge did not want to be cared for. She only ate or drank when she was told to. Shiro was the main person who made sure she did look, and it was minimal at best. She still didn't sleep though. Green was worried- everyone was. Pidge, it seemed, was barely there.
She was pale, significantly thinner, and the sparkle in her eyes was null. But there was nothing anyone could do.
She hadn't cried yet, and it seemed like she was so devoid of emotion that she couldn't.
The paladins were worried.
This was to be expected, of course, their team mate was hurting in ways they couldn't understand, and honestly, never wanted to understand. But it had been two weeks and they still weren't showing any progress to getting better.
To see Pidge, who was normally so full of life, enthusiasm and glee, now so depressed, well… it was unsettling, to say the least. They had lost everything they had been working up to for so long in a single moment, and if these were the repercussions, the paladins didn't want to see the after effects.
Allura, Coran and the team minus Pidge, were all sat in the common room talking when something unexpected happened.
Pidge walked in and sat down on the couch, and everyone looked towards them, silent and afraid anything that the next move anyone makes could set them off. The tension in the air could have been cut through with a knife.
"I can't feel my bond with Green anymore." Was all they said. Everyone was stunned. Had this really affected them that much, to the point where the bond was gone?
The bond between the paladins and their lions was something all of them cherished. It was like having someone with you at all times, and there was a constant sensation of knowing you were never alone. It was like sunshine on your skin on a summer day. It was like having fun and laughing with the most important person in the world. It was like watching rain sitting by the window, or listening to thunderstorms curled up by the fire. It was a warm feeling, a reassurance. It was so much more than a bond.
Sure, they hadn't lived all their lives with it, but now the paladins couldn't imagine it not being there.
Allura was the first to move towards Pidge. She put a comforting arm around her, and smiled sadly. Pidge nestled her head into Allura's shoulder.
"Pidge, I know your not alright. You lost your father- and I understand that. I know the feeling. You are allowed to grieve- but this isn't healthy. The bond isn't gone Pidge- but your so lost in your sadness that Green can no longer be emotionally connected to you without it having repercussions on their system. They still care about you- we all do, Pidge." Allura said kindly. Pidge muttered something unintelligible into her shoulder. Allura, with her altean hearing, however, picked it up. Allura stiffened.
Allura sincerely hoped she had heard that wrong.
"What did you just say Pidge?" She said, quiet, gentle and warm.
"I said," Pidge said, their voice barely a whisper, soft like silk. "I don't deserve it. You shouldn't care about me. It was my fault they died."
There was an uproar. Keith and Lance where babbling, kind of aggressively, about how Pidge couldn't possibly think that, and how it wasn't Pidge's fault. Hunk looked like they were about to cry. Shiro looked away, his eyes filled with sadness. Coran looked understanding and complacent, like he knew what Pidge was going through. Allura stroked Pidge's hair, like her mother would sometimes, and it made Pidge relax in her arms.
"No." Shiro said suddenly. Everyone, now silent, turned to look at him. He looked determined and almost angry, but his expression was soft and forgiving.
"Pidge, it was nobody's fault. No ones. And you can't blame yourself- blame will get you nowhere. All we can do now is remember them. Remember who they were, remember their ideals, remember their lives and their accomplishments. They were so brave. And they're not here with us- but you are." Shiro said with a finality, grasping Pidge's hand and looking into her eyes.
Shiro and Pidge both looked like they were on the verge of tears. Nobody moved or said a word- they all felt like they were intruding on a private, intimate moment.
"Pidge- they loved you. Live for them. Remember them- and be strong. The bonds that we share guide us. They are important, and we need them."
Pidge finally cried. It was a heart-wrenching sob, and they couldn't have stopped crying if they wanted to- it was like a floodgate had opened and every pent up emotion that had been bottled up suddenly rose to the surface. Pidge finally cried and to some people that would have meant that something bad had happened. But everyone in the room knew this was a good sign.
Through the tears, Pidge wiped his eyes and gave Shiro a goofy smile that didn't quite reach the eyes. "Come on Space Dad," They chuckled through the sobs. "A lecture? Really?"
With a small gasp, Pidge's hand went up to their heart, somehow everyone knew that the bond was rekindled.
Pidge had a long way to go- but this was a start.