To Live Without You, a harry potter fanfic

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TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU

: Felnezia Elaine Lloyd

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"Is… is he dead?"

Minerva McGonagall didn't hear the hesitant question of the star pupil of her house as the dead body of the Darkest Wizard in centuries faded into nothing.

"I believe that is the case, Miss Granger."

Albus Dumbledore was next to find his voice. It was still unbelievable… at last, the Wizarding World was freed of the Dark Wizard who went by the name of Voldemort – Lord Voldemort, if you prefer.

They had accomplished what they most wanted to – and now that their efforts were rewarded, they were somewhat stunned.

Eventually, as the body disappeared, there remained nothing but the wand.

The twin wand of the person's who was responsible from emancipating this world from such dire darkness – Harry Potter.

The said Harry Potter looked on with an ashen face, trying slowly to swallow the fact that he had murdered to save life – his, as well as a lot of others. Praise him if you will, but somewhere in him, he felt disgusted, even though there was nothing "wrong" about what he had done.

And then… It was as if a power was pulling him towards it… magic beyond reason… Harry went up to the wand and slowly picked it up, holding it as if it was made of glass… a very attractive charm of glass…

"Potter! Give that wand here!"

Harry looked up to see his Transfiguration Professor, very pale, regarding him with an undecipherable expression.

"But, Professor…"

"I don't think you have any need of it, Potter… The Ministry will want it…"

"Yes…"

With a reluctant sigh, Harry handed over the wand; all the while feeling as if he was cutting a limb and giving it away.

o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Excuse me?"

Minerva looked up from her book, sighing irately. "Yes?"

The raven-haired boy raised his brow elegantly. "I presume you are the Head Girl?"

"I think you can clearly see my batch!" said Minerva haughtily.

"What batch, McGonagall?" said the Head Boy, Tom Riddle with a smirk.

Minerva saw that indeed her batch was missing. "Venus!" she muttered angrily and was about to run off in search of her younger sister when she felt a hand detain her.

"What?" she snapped at the Slytherin angrily.

"Here's you batch. I… obtained it from your sister."

Minerva looked at him incredulously. "Why would you do that?"

"What do you think?"

Minerva didn't say anything. She couldn't think of anything to say. She remained quiet and before she knew, Tom wasn't there – he had gone.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Halloween Ball! A waste of time! What was a ball needed for? Full two hours to waste on make-up and dressing. Somehow, Minerva was sure that the Transfiguration Professor, Albus Dumbledore had something to do with this. Clever as he was, and important to the Cause, Minerva couldn't help but be exasperated with him at times.

"Minerva!"

"What is it?"

"You aren't really going to wear your hair like that, are you?"

"It's none of your business, Charlene!" snapped Minerva.

"It will be better if you don't pull them up in a bun – they make you look severe rather than elegant. Leave them open. I am sure Tom will love them better that way."

"For Merlin's sake, Charlene Haden! There is nothing going on between Tom and me!"

Charlene rolled her eyes. "I have seen how he looks at you in class, sometimes even during…"

"Oh shut up!" said Minerva.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Will you please dance with me, Minerva?"

Minerva caught her breath as she heard the silky voice caress her ear.

She turned to see Tom looking at her. She looked into his eyes… so deep that she could live eternity and more in them…

"Please?"

His voice jerked her out of her dreamy state.

Minerva nodded, unable to restrain a small smile from curling her lips and a blush from reddening her cheeks.

"You should let down your hair more often. You look very beautiful with your hair like that."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Minerva, will you go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?"

Minerva didn't reply. She wasn't even sure that her brain was processing his words. She was just too focused on his hand low on her back and his body nearer to hers than any boy's had been before.

The tune that was playing was a slow, sensuous one. Tom pulled her closer against himself, somehow feeling sure of the unsaid answer. Words weren't necessary when hearts could communicate so effectively.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

It had started raining and most of the Hogwarts students had taken refuge in various shops – mostly in The Three Broomsticks or Madam Puddifoot's. But the Head Boy and the Head Girl were far away near the boundaries of the Hogsmeade village which was close to a thick forest.

Minerva and Tom stood laughing and talking under a tall cedar, oblivious to the showers soaking them.

"Seeing that Sebastian Wood is your Keeper, well, I think you might be a tad bit right," admitted Tom reluctantly.

Minerva smirked, something very uncharacteristic of her. "We'll flatten you all this year!"

"I don't think so!"

"We have better strategies…"

"You won't trade them in for anything, will you?"

Minerva shook her head. "Maybe you need to work extra hard on Seeking."

Tom sighed and ran a hand through his wet hair. "I prefer Herbology – sincerely!"

Minerva shifted closer to him as he wrapped his arm around her waist. "How long have we been here?"

"Not long enough," answered Tom, lowering his head towards hers.

"Not long enough…" echoed Minerva, clasping his neck as their lips met.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"I think we are certainly going to be late!" groaned Minerva as she stopped momentarily to catch her breath.

"If you hadn't seduced me…" smirked Tom.

"Come on!" interrupted Minerva, her cheeks glowing red.

They reached Hogwarts, out of breath and dishevelled.

"I'll have to go up to my dormitory. I think I have caught cold," said Minerva, sneezing.

"Sorry, love. I'll see you in the morning before you leave for the holidays?"

"Yes, of course."

Tom kissed Minerva before moving towards the Great Hall for dinner.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Minerva?"

Minerva was horribly startled to hear the voice of her Transfiguration Professor.

"Good evening, Professor Dumbledore," she said, somehow feeling that Dumbledore had been there longer than she would have liked him to be.

"Good evening, Minerva. I just received this letter from Tabitha – she would rather that you spend the holidays at Hogwarts. I think you'll find a letter waiting for you in your dormitory."

The gravity in Dumbledore's voice did not escape her.

"What's the matter, Professor?"

"Nothing serious, Miss McGonagall…"

"What has happened?" persisted Minerva.

"… until now."

"Professor, please, tell me!"

"Minerva," said Dumbledore, his voice soft and friendly, "this is not the time. Tabitha has requested me not to. I cannot break her confidence."

Minerva pursed her lips to keep herself from saying something unbecoming.

"I understand, Professor," she said finally, a hint of resignation laced with desperation in her voice.

"Thank-you, Minerva."

Minerva turned to go, assuming that there was nothing more to be said.

"And, Minerva…"

Minerva turned to face her professor once again.

"These are Dark times. Be wary of Darkness. It is always in the most unexpected places."

"Yes, Professor," replied Minerva, looking somewhat confused, but trying to unravel the reason behind Dumbledore's words in her mind.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Dumbledore came in late to the dinner and ate very little. All the while, he was observing the smart, raven-haired Head Boy, talking in low voice to a blonde boy sitting beside him at the Slytherin Table. He was suspicious of him. There was something about this boy he termed as 'evil'. He hoped, for Minerva's sake, that he was wrong.

But as it turned out, long after, his hopes were unfulfilled.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

As Minerva sat staring out into the winter darkness, she went over what Dumbledore had said before she went up to the dormitory. There had been anxiety in his voice. There was a pleading. But what was he worried about? What was he asking of her?

She undressed and lay down on her bed. There had been a short letter from her mother telling her that since she and her father had some urgent work, they won't be home for Christmas this winter. She was sorry. She would miss them. But important work was to be done. She hoped that things were going well with Tom. Father also missed her greatly. Love from them both.

Minerva knew that her parents were fighting alongside Professor Dumbledore. That was why she was 'apprenticed' to Professor Dumbledore. Only she, Venus, her sister, and a few of the wizards of the Order of the Phoenix knew that Dumbledore had taken on Minerva as his apprentice so that his absences could be covered. Grindelwald was growing more and more powerful and it was necessary that they not rely solely on the Ministry for his capture and defeat.

She herself would join the Order once she was finished with her University.

Well, if she was staying at Hogwarts for the Christmas, then at least she won't miss Tom, whom she had grown to love – a lot.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"You are not going? I mean it is great that you are staying, Minerva. But… why?"

"Mom and Dad have some urgent work to attend to."

"I see. Well, that gives me more time with you – I'd say that's an advantage."

Minerva smiled weakly. Dumbledore had been gone for two days – not a word from him. That was unlike him. Had something happened to him? And what about her parents?

She leaned further into Tom's embrace, trying unsuccessfully to squash her worries.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Professor Dumbledore!"

"Minerva, were there any problems?"

"No, Professor, but… what's happened to you?"

"I'll be fine, child. Just ask Madam Rivers for some Pepper-up Potion," said Dumbledore, falling wearily into a chair.

"But, Professor, you need more than a Pepper-up Potion!" said Minerva, glancing nervously at the wound on his left knee.

"Do as I ask, Minerva, I know what I am doing."

"Yes, Professor, sorry," said Minerva breathlessly and ran down to the Hospital Wing.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Minerva! What's the matter?" asked Tom, as Minerva bumped into him in a turning. "What's the Potion for?" he asked, glancing at the bottle in her hand.

"Oh… It's Charlene… I'll… I'll see you later, Tom," said Minerva, continuing hastily towards Professor Dumbledore's office.

Tom's face hardened and he closed his eyes momentarily, anticipating something he had been avoiding until now. Maybe… just maybe… he was wrong. Crossing his fingers behind his back, he went towards the window.

Outside, he could clearly see the Gryffindor Quidditch Team practising. There was intense rivalry between Slytherin and Gryffindor Teams this year.

Yes, all members were there – including the Chaser Charlene Haden.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Tom?"

"Hmmm?"

"You are too quiet today. What's the matter?"

"Nothing, love, I just want to feel this. It's all so beautiful."

Minerva smiled as Tom tightened his arms around her. He was a bit too possessive, it seemed rather endearing.

The last rays of the sun finally vanished behind the tall trees of the Forbidden Forest.

Tom leaned down brushing his lips against Minerva's neck.

"Minerva," he said, pulling her closer to him and burying his face in the softness of her thick hair flowing in thick curls down her back. "I love you."

Minerva entwined her fingers with his. "I love you, too, Tom."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

o-o-o-o-o-o-

That was the coldest winter, as Minerva remembered it. But she had been oblivious of the cold when she had sneaked up to the Astronomy Tower then. Tom had been her only solace in those Dark Days. Grindelwald was losing his power. But Dumbledore's absence was becoming more pronounced and even Charlene had noticed that there was something amiss with the Transfiguration Professor.

Her Transfiguration Professor… now, her friend, mentor and employer.

Much as she respected and esteemed him, she wished he won't have come down to visit her right then.

"Minerva?"

"I am fine, Albus. I just want to be alone," said the Transfiguration Professor, closing her weary eyes. "It has been a long day."

"A very long day, indeed."

There was silence between them.

"How's Severus?"

"He'll be fine."

"How's Harry taking it?"

"He'll be fine, too, Minerva."

"Miss Weasley? Surely…"

"She'll be fine… eventually."

"Tom was always charming."

Dumbledore gave no reply to that comment. He knew nothing he would say would change Minerva's mind.

Minerva needed none. She was firm in her belief – but she had chosen to be even firmer in her decision. Good for the world…

o-o-o-o-o-o-

Minerva was a nervous-wreck in spite spending a lot of time with Tom. She, nor her sister, had received a letter from her mother in six weeks and that was very unusual.

Currently, she was pacing the dormitory, much to the annoyance other seventh-year Gryffindor girls.

"Come on, Minerva! It is not as if you have not gone on a date with Tom before."

For a split second Minerva wondered whatever Rose was talking of.

"What? No, it isn't that…" she mumbled and sat down.

Rose shared a knowing smile with Jeannette.

"What it is then?" asked Charlene.

"Nothing," said Minerva, taking her books and going out before any of the girls could say a word.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Venus?"

"Minerva, what's the matter? Do you think something has happened to Mum or Dad?"

Minerva's mouth went dry. She shook her head.

"Minerva, I am worried," said the fourth-year Gryffindor, looking at her big sister with frightened eyes. "Can't Professor Dumbledore tell anything about this?"

"He's under too much pressure as it is, Venus, I don't want to worry him more."

"But, Minerva…"

"Believe me, Venus, if there was anything to be told, Professor Dumbledore would have already told me."

Venus looked unconvinced but nodded nonetheless.

"I am really scared, anyway," she said, gathering her books and going up to her dormitory.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Minerva, are you all right?"

Tom took her hands in his. "You know I love you, Minerva. I really do."

Minerva smiled and relaxed against him. "I love you, too, Tom."

The clouds of worry did not disappear from Tom's face, though they went unnoticed by his lover.

"I know something is bothering you, Minerva," said Tom "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"No… it's… it's just the N.E.W.T.s…"

"I understand that you can't tell me – I don't mind, Minerva. But I would rather that you not lie to me."

Minerva sighed and turned round to kiss Tom. "I am sorry."

"Minerva, you trust me, don't you?"

He was being a bit unlike the carefree, light-hearted boy Minerva knew. She couldn't understand why.

"Yes, I do, Tom, but this thing…"

"No, I am not asking you to tell me anything you can't. All I am asking you to remember that I will love you until death – no matter what."

Some time after they had graduated, she had written her first love letter to him… "Dear Tom, It seems so impossible to live without you here. I can't wait to be with you again…"

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

He had broken his promise. He hadn't loved her until death. Before death had taken him – long, long before, he had fallen in love with something else… some other thing had replaced his love for her… something which eventually he died loving – power – a wild craving to be the ultimate power in this world.

But she wasn't like him. There opposite personalities was what had brought them together and attracted each other in the first place – and in the last place, separated them… caused her pain.

Somewhere in her, she still loved what Lord Voldemort was born as. It was a bizarre thought…love Lord Voldemort… but no, they were mistaken. She loved Tom Riddle. She loved him till he had died. What she loathed was that he had reborn as Voldemort. She hated Voldemort with the same intensity and passion with which she loved Tom Riddle.

After all, Voldemort had killed Tom Riddle.

She hadn't forgotten and had never forgiven. Revenge was all that was to be taken. Nothing was to be given.

o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Professor Dumbledore, sir, I do not see what business that is of yours."

Minerva stopped dead in her tracks as she heard Tom's voice in Professor Dumbledore's office.

"Minerva is now my daughter – my ward, my responsibility. I would not like to see her hurt."

"Get this in your head – I love Minerva. I will never hurt her. I ma glad you are interested in her welfare, but your energies concerning that would be well-directed in a direction other than mine."

"Somehow, I can't convince myself of that fact, Tom."

"Well, it's your worry, sir."

"You have rejected the summons from the Auror Department – may I enquire why?"

"No, you can't nose into my business."

"I shall reframe my question, then. Why did you not answer the summons from the Auror Department?"

"I really don't see what bearing that has on the topic concerning our talk – my proposal to Minerva."

"Don't you? It is only right that I know all about you and your 'business' before I agree to let you propose my daughter."

"You are just her guardian!"

"Minerva would never accept your proposal if I was to advice her against it, Tom."

"And why won't you stop being the insufferable old a… why don't you just agree?"

"Because I won't want Minerva to marry a Dark Wizard, now would I, Tom? And probably someone who helped in the murder of her own parents?"

"You can't accuse me unjustly!"

"You know, as well as I do, Tom Riddle, about what is just and what is unjust!"

There was rage in Dumbledore's voice. Minerva shivered. She had never heard him sound so angry… nor had she ever felt her heart break so agonizingly…

And then the laugh… the high, cold laugh… the laugh which proclaimed only too well that Lord Voldemort had killed Tom Riddle – her lover.

"You put it sensibly, Dumbledore!" She was too shocked to deny… it was only too clear that the cold, bitter tones were those of the man she had loved… "You know, and I know. Need Minerva know?"

The arrogant smirk faltered a little as the anger disappeared from Dumbledore's face.

Anger… that was what she had felt… anger beyond reason… anger at his deception… anger at his heartlessness towards her family… anger at the beast Lord Voldemort was… anger born of heart-breaking, excruciating disappointment…

And it had been all over before she had time to gain full control of her emotions. That was the last she had seen of that handsome man who had been a most important reason for her to live once.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

o-o-o-o-o-o-

"It seems Gryffindor has won the House Cup again this year, Professor."

Severus gave Minerva a sour look. "It was just because Potter managed to defeat the Dark Lord with a lot of help."

Minerva blanched a little but got over it pretty soon.

It was high time she got over it, she felt.

And yet, she knew, deep down, that she would never get over him.

She had never imagined a world, a life without him.

Now, it was too late to change.

"…Dear Tom, I don't know why, but it seems so impossible to live without you here."

… to live without you…

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

THE END

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope you enjoyed the story. Please review!

Felnezia