"The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." John Steinbeck's words had never felt so applicable to Katarina's life as they did at that moment. Staring down at those two terrible lines she wondered how she, the most meticulous of women, had allowed this to happen. She'd been careful, just as she'd been trained to be. Yet here was the evidence that she had not been careful enough.

A familiar image flooded her unwilling mind for what seemed like the hundredth time in the past three weeks. Blue eyes that pierced hers, eyes that had once seemed so soft, hardened like glacial clips. The ache in her gut hit her just as sharply as it had that terrible night. Raymond. She still didn't understand why what happened was affecting her like this. Katarina had been in the field for six years. While she wasn't exactly a veteran, she was a seasoned agent. She'd honestly thought she'd numbed herself to any guilt over the people she'd hurt and betrayed, but somehow this one mission was haunting her. He was haunting her. She'd hoped coming to home to Konstantin would help her forget. So far she'd been sorely disappointed.

Though their marriage had been planned by the Centre, Katarina had grown to appreciate her husband for far more than the access his position proved her. Konstantin Rostov was a good man. Honest. Smart. Handsome. He accepted her. Loved her, or at least the pieces of herself she allowed him to see. He was stability, her very own piece of normal. But now that was done. She'd ruined it by being weak and careless.

A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts.

"Katarina, is everything alright?" She closed her eyes and willed her voice to be steady.

"I'm fine. Something I ate disagreed with me, that's all."

"Should I call for a doctor?" Katarina almost laughed in spite of herself. It was one in the morning. Who on earth would summon a physician for food poisoning at this time of night? Her smile faded. Her husband would, because he loved her.

"No, my love. Go back to bed. I'll be there in a moment." There was a short pause before she heard him shuffle away from the door. Poor Konstantin. He didn't deserve this. He deserved a good wife. Someone who could love him completely, with her entire heart. Someone who could be honest with him. Someone who could be faithful to him. Someone who wanted to give him a family.

Katarina grasped the edge of the toilet that she'd be sitting next to, overcome by a wave of nausea. When she finished she shakily wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. If Katarina was the type to believe in such things, she'd think she was being judged for her many sins. She'd been cursed for what she'd done to Konstantin. Cursed for what she'd done to Raymond.

No. She couldn't allow herself to think that way. That way lay madness. All she had done, she had done to serve her country. Konstantin would understand that, even if the truth did come out. He'd known what she was when he married her. And Raymond...Raymond was someone she couldn't afford to consider any longer. In time she would forget his stories. The way his kisses sent waves heat from her lips all the way to her toes. How it felt to be nestled into his shoulder and experience that impossible sensation of belonging. The sense of being whole. Being home.

Katarina closed her eyes, desperately wanting to return to that flat in Bethesda, to turn back the clock. She could almost see him there, stretched out on the couch, arms behind his head, a grin that was wicked, but also somehow boyish spread across his face. That smile had been just for her and she wanted it back. She wanted him back. Tears threaten to spill over the corners of her eyes, but she suppressed them. Damn hormones were making her irrational and stupid. Raymond was gone and neither self-loathing, nor self-pity was going to change that.

Katarina pushed herself up off the tiles of the bathroom floor. Using the toothbrush and toothpaste, she cleaned out the residual bad taste of her morning sickness. Once she was done, Katarina stared at herself in the mirror. She looked like hell. Her currently blonde hair was mussed from sleep, her skin was tinged slightly green. Clearly anyone who ever said pregnancy made women 'glow' was full of shit. At least she wouldn't have trouble convincing Konstantin she was ill. She looked it. Katarina sighed and splashed some water on her face. She needed to be practical.

She was pregnant and she could just as easily be carrying Raymond's child as her husband's. The obvious option was to terminate the pregnancy. Konstantin need never know. It would be wrong to bring a child into her crumbling world. No matter what small victories she provided her country, they were losing this cold war. When it ended where would she be? An agent without a country and that was if she lived that long. Her handlers were sending her on more and more dangerous assignments. She could easily be dead before her thirtieth birthday or rotting in some American jail cell. It would better for everyone if the pregnancy never reached full term. Decision made she turned off the bathroom and headed out into the bedroom.

"Are you...alright?" The hesitation in her husband's voice was strange. Though his words were the same as before, something was different. She smiled at him as she slipped under the covers.

"Of course. A little food poisoning, that's all. Or maybe a stomach bug." Her reply was met with silence, so she closed her eyes and was about to drift off when she heard him speak again.

"Are you sure? I meant that you're not..." Katarina kept her breathing careful and even as she opened her eyes and looked at her husband. His eyes were now open and staring up at the ceiling.

"That I'm not...what?" Konstantin swallowed as though unsure he should continue. It was very unlike him. He was always so confident, assertive even.

"Pregnant. I know we've talked about waiting but I've noticed the past week, your appetite has been off and..." Konstantin closed his mouth, seemingly too embarrassed to continue. He finally looked her in the eye and asked "Are you sure?" Katarina should said 'yes'. She knew that. She'd already decided. Any baby would be a disaster and this one in particular was a curse from the gods. She should tell him that'd she wondered the same thing, but she'd taken a test and it had come back negative. Konstantin wouldn't demand proof. He trusted her, little though she earned it. The trouble was that he looked so hopeful. She'd didn't deserve him, this man she'd lied to and betrayed, even if he didn't realize it. He wanted a child from her and in that moment, she found she didn't have the heart to deny him.

"I don't know. I hadn't thought...Contraception isn't full-proof and...I suppose it's possible. I'll buy a test tomorrow." At the very least that would buy her a little more time to think about it.

"If you are...I know this isn't something you've planned on so soon, but we can make arrangements. Nannies. I know how important your work is. To the cause and to you." Typical Konstantin. Optimistic. Considerate. Not expecting her to surrender everything, only to meet him halfway. Katarina gently touched her husband's lips.

"And I know how important a family is to you. We'll figure it out. Together." Konstantin smiled broadly at Katarina and pulled her in for a kiss. She began unbuttoning her husband's nightshirt, focusing with all her energy on the task, refusing to allow thoughts of anyone or anything else to intrude. This was her world, her reality, and she was lucky to have returned to it. If this child was the price she paid to make Konstantin happy, she would pay it. She owed him that much.