You Don't See Me
This is the place where I sit
This is the part where I love you too much
This is as hard as it gets
Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough
Harry say, curled against the small bay window in his attic. Their attic, technically. After the war, when all their problems had seemed to be over Harry and Sirius had bought a small cabin together. It was nothing to big, or too small. It was something just right for them, out in the English countryside.
They'd wanted to put the past behind them , be the family they hadn't had the chance to be during the long years at Azkaban and the war that followed. The war had left a dark side to them both, yes, but nothing overly haunting. They were comforted in the fact that, despite all odds they'd escaped with all their close friends alive and well. They drew comfort from them, and mostly from each other.
Sirius and Harry had always had a special bond. They understood each other in a way no one else could really understand of even imagine. They complimented each other perfectly. It was only natural that they buy a bachelor pad and settle down together as friends.
Harry bit bitterly at the word. That was the unexpected adversary that had arisen in his total of three years living with Sirius. He'd always admired the many rather strongly. At first he'd thought it was any number of things. Over affection to make up for lost time and what not… But it had been this passing thanksgiving, when everyone had come together at Sirius's and Harry's for a special thanksgiving dinner. It had been quite a squish to fit in the Weasley family, the grangers, Lupin, and Neville all in the same cabin, but they'd managed somehow, and the closeness wasn't minded in the least. It made it feel more like a real family. It was while sipping apple cider and glancing at Sirius across the room that the word love arouse to slice his heart with the pain of reality. It hadn't been anything he'd been focusing on really… the thought was just there, like the first big breath one took upon wakening up. You didn't have to think about, it simply was. He was in love, deeply in love, with his Godfather.
I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty and achin'
And tumblin' and breakin'
He didn't know when it started or how… but it was there…for a long time unnoticed under the skin of his subconscious. Waiting for one embrace or one beaming smile from Sirius to make itself known.
"You'd think that'd be a good thing wouldn't you?" Harry mused sadly to himself. But no. Yes, it was well known among friends, family, and the wizarding world in general that both Harry and Sirius were bisexual. Yes, the wizarding world was very tolerant of this sort of thing. Treated it just like any other relationship as a matter of fact. No, the age thing didn't matter because of the extended lifespan that came with learning magic. All lights seemed go for Harry to tell Sirius how he felt, except… Sirius's behavior towards him.
During the first few years they were very close but as of late their relationship seemed to be more distant. Sirius was focusing more and more on his slowly returning life, job, new friends, ect. Harry had watched him carefully for a long time, and he seemed happy right where he was, even made a point of never wanting things to change.
The thing to clench it for Harry though, was the dream… All the little things, the distance, Sirius content to stay that way, fleeting talks of jobs that would take him t far away places. They'd all built the foundation but the dream had clenched it. Harry had never really had prophetic dreams, other than his connection with Voldermort, but judging on all his careful observations it would most likely by the most plausible occurrence.
It had started out simple enough. Harry had been talking to Sirius while they sat next to each other on Harry's bed. Harry had look into the warm brown eyes and seen such trust and understanding. He had to tell him. With one calming breath he launched into the greatest speal about for much he loved Sirius and how blind he had been not to notice it. When he was done he had been looking down. Only after he was sure he'd said all he had to say did he lift his head with hopeful eyes. If he'd been smacked in the face with a metal bar the answer could not have been more clear. The disgust, and confusion, and fear that had played over Sirius's face told Harry exactly how he felt.
Harry tried to laugh, tried to make a joke of his confession. IT was a lie, a trick, a fleeting thought, anything to take that look, that horrible look away from Sirius and bring back the calm, friendly man he loved. But nothing came out… his voice didn't seem to want to cooperate with him. Instead he just stared back into cold brown eyes getting colder, his heartbreak written plainly all over his face.
If there had been any gods up there that loved him the dream would've ended right there and then, but it was not to be. Instead He'd slept on. Watching Sirius pack up and leave him forever, swearing up and down, with his eyes if not openly, that he would never come back. He had to sit, huddled on his bead and Listen to the retreating footsteps, the slamming door, the roar of the motorbike speeding off, and then the silence. The silence had been the worst part. It had settled chokingly thick around a house normal full of cheery conversations and more often than not, a prank of two. He'd sat their, feeling more heartbroken than anything, even hearing his parents death. (he knew they'd at least loved him… Sirius hated him now for sure… and he'd never see him again…)
It had ended somewhat mercifully. Apparently he'd been letting lose the heart wrenching sobs in real life as he slept and awoke his godfather, who slept just down the hall. He'd awaken safe and warms in the arms a person he knew he could never have with the knowledge that, however much he was hurting now, he'd simply keel over and die if Sirius ever left him.
Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could
Harry had avoided sleeping as much as possible after that. He feared the dream returning. Once had been more than enough to strip him bear of ever wall he thought he'd had up. He was out alone and shivering in the cold reality. He couldn't tell Sirius how he felt… ever. At least he'd keep his friendship that way.
It had been exactly seven days since the dream, and he was back in attic again. They're beautiful warm attic with a big bay window and an excellent view of the stars. Winter had come hard and early this year, the chill banishing all the humidity and making the sky prefect for his uses. Ever night, like a religion, he'd scanned the heavens for answers. Some comfort, anything. All they'd offered him were lights in the dark, and memories of nights spent up here with Sirius, looking for shooting stars and falling asleep near in each others arms. A hint at what Harry desperately wanted but could never be. Sirius would be disgusted if he ever knew and Harry would lose him forever…
I dream a world where you understand
That I dream a million sleepless nights
Well I dream a fire when you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights
A small click alerted Harry to the intruder. He didn't need to turn around to know who it was. He always knew when Sirius entered a room. It was like a sixth sense. Soft footsteps padded across the wooden floor and the cushions of the window seat dipped a moment after that as Sirius curled up next to him. "Hey Harry…" His voice was warm and rich, filled with concern. As though he'd always be their for Harry… if only it could be true. Harry, who'd curled up with his knees pulled up to his chest, turned a gaze that burned with unshed tears on his godfather.
"Hey," he murmured fighting sleep and tears from his voice. He couldn't help but feel that everything he'd ever wanted was slipping through his fingers. All he ever wanted was slipping away right in front of his eyes. Tonight was the worst of all the nights before. Tonight Sirius had told him he'd accepted a job somewhere in America, and he was leavening on an early flight. He hadn't said a word and Sirius was leaving…
"Don't look so down Harry, I'll come back to visit you so often you'll ask me when I'm leaving already," Sirius made a weak attempt at humor and Harry laughed soundlessly. Closing his eyes to the unwanted image of the suitcases resting in the corner as though he could repaint reality if he thought hard enough. If he wanted it badly enough Sirius would love him. If he wanted if badly enough they would be great together, for the rest of their lives even. They'd live a life full of love and friends and they'd never ever have to be apart again. There was a tiny rustle of fabric as Sirius leaned forward and gently brushed a stray wisp of hair out of Harry's eyes. The contact sent chills down Harry's spine and he let out a strangled sigh. He felt brave enough to open his eyes, and regretted the action the moment it was complete. Nothing had changed at all. Sirius still didn't love him ,and he was still leavening. The touch was nothing more than a small condolence for pain Sirius had only begun to fathom Harry was feeling.
I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends,
Nothing but good friends?
Harry began to crack under the pressure of it all. He hadn't told Sirius how he felt, and he was still losing him. Did he ever really have him to begin with? Harry knew he would let him go if he wanted to, he could never deny him anything. But he no longer could watch him go without tears. His shoulders began to shake and muffled sniffles made there way to the air. He was fighting, with every ounce of Gryffindor he had in him, not to break down like this, but it was just too much this time. It tore the life out of him to think that years from now he might only be a distant acquaintance in Sirius's new list of friends. He didn't want that, couldn't accept it, wouldn't possibly live with it. With a small cry of anguish Harry threw himself into his Godfather's arms and sobbed for all he was worth. Sobbing so hard and fast he nearly couldn't breath.
Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I wish you would
Sirius's eyes went wide with concern as his arms flew about his distraught godson. There was something else. Something else was wrong. His Harry wouldn't get this emotional over a little job relocation. Knowing himself Sirius doubted it would last. As much as he wanted to distance himself from Harry, so that Harry would find a nice person, fall in love and settle down at last without his pesky godfather as a distraction he loved him far too much to stay away for long. He had to leave the country, and he was resolved not to come back until Harry was settled, but the letters would never be able to stop for long. He was weak in that aspect. He loved Harry dearly, far more, in hid opinion, than was good for him.
Sirius silently cursed himself for not seeing that something else was wrong. Usually he'd be able to spot ever single hint of emotion in Harry's eyes, but lately with the planned move…. He must have been really distracted not to notice that something was bothering Harry this much. He must have been so blind…
"Harry…" he cooed softly in the smaller mans ear. "Harry, love, what's wrong? What's got you so upset?" In the midst of all this hysteria Harry wasn't able to get out any coherent words but he did manage to shake his head fiercely. No. He couldn't tell Sirius. He wouldn't let their last memory be so cold as him simply being left… he simply couldn't handle that… "Please Sirius…" he thought, begged, "Please don't make me tell you…" But Sirius was very patient. Rocking Harry softly back and forth, rubbing his back and whispering comforting phrases until the sobbing died down a bit. Then he tried again. "Harry… please… tell me what's wrong…."
This is the place in my heart
This is the place where I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met
And is this the last chance that I'll ever get
"Damn!" thought Harry. That was his undoing. When Sirius's gentle, rich voice asked he could deny him nothing. "Well," Harry mused silently, barely thinking through the heartache, "He dose deserve to know the truth… I should've known better than to cling to something that was never mine to begin with… He was always too good for me…I just wish so much we could go back to the Hogwarts days. Just me and hime n the rare special moments we got to share. They were the best. Back then It was simple enough, easy enough to think I could keep him… I was such a fool…" Harry's interior monologue faded away as he found his real voice at last.
I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you
"Oh Sirius!" Harry let out in a voice strained with grief. "I know you're absolutely going to hate me for this but I've fallen in love with you! Try as hard as might can't make it go away! And now your leaving! You say you'll be back but I can see it in your eyes… you've found a better live somewhere else…. Somewhere away from me. I don't blame you Sirius… really I don't. I just want you to be happy…even if that means being thousands of miles away from me. Oh Sirius I just wish you didn't have to go! I wish-"
Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
Sirius stopped Harry's outpour dead in it's track when he stiffened and pulled away. No. no he'd stayed too long. Harry couldn't fall for him, he couldn't/ He wasn't right for Harry, for so many reasons… He had to get away now, the sooner the better. Harry had to realize that there was someone out there for him so much better than him. Someone more deserving. Without so much as a goodbye Sirius pulled shakily away from the now silent, almost deathly still form of his godson and stumbled hesitantly out the door. No. He couldn't let this be. He had to be strong for Harry's own good. The attic door creaked shut behind him slowly, not fully closed, and he bent to pick up his luggage. He'd Floo to his new American residence right now. All he had to do was walk down the-
Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would…
Harry's whisper small voice somehow made it then through the door and into his ears much louder then if he were to have shouted it… "I just wish I could've kept you Sirius… I wish I could've kept you forever…."
Sirius closed his eyes trying to steel himself against the now, much louder heartbreaking cried, like ones he'd soothed not only seven nights ago. But the honesty of the young mans words had his resolve crumbling to ash… There were so many reasons why he shouldn't, but… Maybe he just some sentimental overgrown fool of a child but he couldn't bring himself to walk away from Harry when he knew those same emotions coursed through his veins. If it was what they both really wanted to endlessly… how could it really be bad.
His old reservations fading fast like bad decisions rectified he let his things fall to the floor with a loud thud. Barely hearing the strangled gasp from inside the attic Sirius rushed back inside and within a half a second scooped his grandson back into his arms murmuring apologies and other endearments that hardly made sense they came out so fast.
Harry was confused but he wasn't about to let Sirius go again. Clutching to him fiercely Harry buried his head in the crook of Sirius's neck and chocked out, "Why'd you change your mind?"
Sirius chuckled at his own stupidity and whispered the truth in his heart into Harry's ear softly. "Because I couldn't walk out on love. No matter how much you might deserve someone better-"
"Don't say that!" Harry said pulling away just enough to meet Sirius eye to eye. "There is no one better than you!" Sirius was about to open his mouth to protest when Harry slowly and sweetly brought their lips together. Gently at first and then fiercely possessive and wanting. Sirius let out a low groan and slowly slid his tongue forward to lick at Harry's bottom lip, his arms tightening even more around the young mans small frame. Harry pulled back just a whisperers length and said, "There couldn't possibly be anyone better than you! I love you! And if you still insist on arguing the matter I'm going to have to keep your mouth occupied until you change your mind, because I won't hear those words out of your mouth ever again."
Sirius raised an eyebrow with a coy smiled down at his now panting love and whispered huskily, "Is that a promise?" Harry let out a small mischievous grin before plunging his lips back onto Sirius's promising so much more with one action then he could ever say with words.
The way I know you could…