Mesmerized
Part One
Heero…
Always, always, always, my thoughts drift to you, you stupid boy. The inhuman jerk that you are, who barely takes notice of me at all. It's just…I don't understand! Why you? Of all people! I used to, in my mind, think it wasn't you, that it was someone else. Denying the fact that when you told me to do something I jumped to position like a trained bitch awaiting the next order. Oh Heero, what can I do to get your attention? When will you FINALLY see me? I was so mesmerized by you when I first saw you, that it scared me. So much in fact that I unloaded my gun trying to clear my head of the swell of emotions you pushed me through.
How I hated, yet loved you. I despised you and wanted you so bad. I wished you would disappear and to be burned in my memory and to keep you as mine forever. Then SHE came along. You must know whom I'm talking about! Princess Bitch of the Sanc Kingdom. She made me so insane over you Heero! She made me want to do horrible things! After all, at the time I was sure no one would know it was me who shot her point blank and drug her body across the Chinese Mountains! Really! I think I could have gotten away with it! But I saw the way you saved her all the time. I thought you cared about her.
That hurt. So much you'll never know. I could never touch you in the way she could. It was HER voice that stopped you from killing yourself. And not mine… I rescued you…saved you from, the ever so clearly mental, Doctor Sally, who still to this day backs her claim that you had over 200 broken bones when she found you. I know you're all-powerful, but even I have a hard time believing you could pull off walking away with 200 broken bones. Then again you're Heero Yuy. You can do everything.
Except notice me. When I saved you from her, Heero, did you even acknowledge the fact that I was there? Or was that another mission of yours? You've confused me so many times Heero. And I hated you for it. I'm not free of emotions like you and maybe that still makes me the 'imperfect' soldier, as compared to you 'the perfect one', but why? Why did you save me that time I was caught? Why didn't you let them publicly execute me? Was that another 'mission?' or did you care? Or did it jeopardize you?
For the longest time, I was with Quatre. I learned a lot from him you know. I saw how he interacted with Trowa the few times and rare times he talked to me about things that had nothing to do with the war. He talked about Trowa, and how the two of them could harmonize so well, playing their musical instruments together like there was no war and there was nothing to fear when in the presence of each other. They were made to be. I could see it in Quatre's eye and smile when he spoke Trowa's name.
But you know what's strange? I never talked to him about you. Because I never could find a single common ground we shared, like the two of them did. You were always the one thinking on the job, I was the carefree one wanting to live a little. You always scowled at me, telling me to go away, or to stop talking. You often ignored me and I had to shout or find some other means to get your eyes on something other than your Gundam or laptop.
That laptop. How jealous I am. You spend more time on that blasted machine than you do sleeping. Do you know that? I've watched you sleep only a few times, but when you do that mask comes off and you almost look normal, save for the wrench tied to your leg from where you had cracked your leg back into place after breaking it. Heh, I swear Heero, sometimes I think you could do brain surgery on yourself with a pencil, a napkin and a key ring and live through it, later to come out ten times smarter than before.
And you know how funny you can be when you scream at me with that completely contemptuous looks in your eyes, about nothing that I can ever remember. Why do I think that's funny? Because in those moments that you are screaming and calling me "Duo no baka", I know that you SEE me.
You know when I was in that cell with Wufei. I talked to him about you. I asked him what he thought of you, and if you'd talked to him. And it hurt to know you shared more words with him than me. He questioned me about why I asked. I couldn't tell him. Because I knew it was a dream, beyond a dream, and a Shangri-la that I would never get to live in.
I watched as you guarded Relena so tenderly. And it ate away at me because no matter what, she would come before me. Me, the one who'd stuck by you, saved you, fought for you and would have died for you. I went back to the Junk Yard and lived with Hilde for a while. I felt alone with out my Gundam. But I had a wonderfully welcome place to be, where I could avoid overly concerned Arabic boy, stoic Europeans and justice raving Chinese pilots. Of course, I won't lie, I missed those prying blue eyes that felt into your soul and MADE you tell them what was wrong. Or the completely deadly silent conversations you could have with Trowa and understand every non-spoken word, or listening to Wufei verbally write a new book on justice every time something wasn't right. But what I missed the most was YOU. The inhuman soldier.
I guess I'm a little redundant. And I must have said all of these things so many times, but you just will never understand. It's not in your nature. At the end of the war I realized that you weren't just something I'd accidentally stumbled on. No, you were burned into my heart, the last human thing I have remaining of me. If not for the painfully beating heart in my chest I might be more like you. And sometimes I wanted to will myself to be as cold, as calculating, but I couldn't. Oh Heero, don't you ever smile? Won't you ever smile for me?
Imagine my confusion when you walked away on the very day you were supposed to marry Relena! I was in shock! You were almost legally bound to her Heero, and then you turned, and you looked up at me and your eyes fell wider. You looked up at me standing on that balcony watching you. Nothing else. Just YOU. Was it the tears in my eyes that stopped you? Was my presence so burdening that it disrupted your train of thought from HER? You confuse me so…even still; I have always since taken it as a personal victory. You never married her…you never went back to her. And I'm glad. You may be an immortal perfect machine of a being, but Relena is more evil than a bandwagon of preppy cheer girls clad in pink, throwing flowers and spouting off complicated mathematical equations. And don't deny it. You know her evilness. If you ever had a doubts I'm sure Wufei would be happy to justify that logic for you.
Sometimes I wondered if it was Zechs. A fine man he is indeed. And I always wondered if that's what you thought. How would I compete with that? I'm not nearly as dead sexy as that man, nor am I taller and more proper; I don't have those cunning blue eyes and sleek blonde hair. I'm nothing extraordinary. I hated when you and Zechs were around each other. And so many times I wanted to rip apart that handsome face. I mean, what did HE ever do to deserve the cunning gaze of your eyes on him? Do I have to declare war on you for you to take me seriously?
I couldn't do it. And I can't have you. I have nothing; therefore I have everything to lose by losing you. And now I finally can't take it any more Heero. I wrote this to you. So maybe I may have your attention. Just for a moment. Maybe you'll rip this letter up and toss it away maybe you'll care, but it won't matter to you when I'm gone. It won't matter to you because you never cared to begin with.
And finally, the words I never spoke, given every opportunity and failing to take advantage of them: I love you Heero Yuy. And I knew from the beginning that it would be, and will always be, my downfall.
Signed,
Duo Maxwell, Pilot 02.
The letter floated to the floor as a pale hand trembled and those cold, calculating eyes watered. Trembling lips moved trying to form words, but failed. The dazed figure sat in the emergency room wrapping his arms around his shivering, yet not cold, body. Every so often trailing back to that letter and his mouth would try to speak the words, but all that seemed to come out was the whispered words:
"Duo…Duo…no baka…"
Leo: Okay the first two chapters are prewritten the last chapter depends on whether you guys want a happy ending or not! Tell me!