DISCLAIMER: I am in no way affiliated with Nintendo or Zelda. I am doing this for entertainment purposes only.
???'s Story
Nobody knows who I am. Heh, I like it that way. Not that I chose this path for myself, you see; It was forced upon me by poor hotel management.
I came all the way from Hyrule to attend this beautiful Carnival. I had heard so many good things: Where to say, what to eat, and who to visit! Well, a man (am I a man?) such as myself could not resist. I love celebrations. I saw that beautiful machine of time and it took my breath away. With its beautiful wooden numbers fitted in perfectly to their spots. The rhythmic ticking! It was too much! I turned to see the lovely Stock Pot Inn. It wasn't as lovely as the clock, but still lovely.
I walked into the quaint little B & B and the first thing I saw was a beautiful red haired woman, standing at the desk. I walked up to her and flashed the biggest smile I could muster. She smiled back! This had to be the loveliest thing I had seen all day.
"You mind if I book a room?" I asked ever so politely.
"I'm sorry, but we're all booked up. With the Carnival almost here I get reservations up the Cucco's nest." She seemed a little scatter-brained. But I couldn't resist. I had to stay at this Inn with this beautiful woman. I had to make a plan.
And that is how I got here.
My brilliant plan was too brilliant for anyone's sake.
"Do you have a bathroom I could use then, Miss…" I needed to know here name.
"Oh yes, and Miss Anju, but not for long. I am getting married…I think…soon. Would you like an invitation?" She started to go over her books and tell the bell boy to deliver a key to Mister Something-or-Other in room number Whatever.
Anger boiled up inside me. How could she? She smiled at me! Well that woman would not live without my wrath.
"How lovely," I managed to tell her. "But which way did you say that bathroom was?" I could only grunt this through gritted teeth.
"Just around the corner there, you can't miss it." She turned to attend to her books again. Women, I could do with out them.
I walked through the little wooden halls until I found the little out-house of a toilet. It smells horrific in here in case you were wondering. I sat down on the wooden toilet, pondering my sad existence, until I realized that I really had to go.
So I pulled down my pants and relieved myself. I could hear the door open, and feet pitter-pattering. Anju squealed.
"Oh Kafei! Really? What changed your mind!?" How could she be so excited when her true love is sitting in a desolate bathroom, wallowing in self-pity?
I heard Kafei answer, "A boy clad in green tunics came running to my door. He convinced me." I heard them laugh together. Damn that Kafei. She should be laughing with me!
"Oh Kafei, you are my only true love." I heard her announce in a dreamy voice.
My insides twisted, leaving me crippled in pain. And no, it wasn't because I was going number Two, (even though I was) it was because I had found true love so quickly and it had been snatched from my very own love lorn hands! I heard the tenets applaud the young couple. I couldn't help but groan in pain. What will become of me, of my and Anju's love together? I had to stop this.
I reached for the toilet paper. Groping in the dark, I was yet to feel the thick roll. I would just have to turn on the light. So I reached around for the light switch, which I found out was a very high tech dangly chain from the ceiling. I yanked the chain and the small room was engulfed with light. It did nothing but confirm my worst fears.
I was stuck on the toilet while the love of my life married that idiot Kafei, leaving me powerless to stop the horrid happenings.
And so, I have been sitting here, on this wooden toilet, getting splinters in my rear and crying because of said reasons.
But it isn't that bad, because I am across the hall from the kitchen and sometimes when Anju comes in to fix breakfast, she is alone and I call out sweet nothings to her from my bathroom. The sad part is, she always hears me and waves and smiles ever so lovely at me. But she won't give me TP. She is convinced that I am not really going to the bathroom but spying on her from the little slot in the door made for emergencies such as mine.
But sometimes it is that bad, and Kafei fixes breakfast with Anju and they kiss and hug. And no matter what I call out, they ignore me or Kafei comes to get me and I have to lock the door to save myself from embarrassment.
And sometimes, a little boy clad in green comes running past my stall, and I reach out my hand to call him over. Most of the times he keeps to his running. Once I got lucky and he stopped to hear my pitiful story. And he brought me some paper.
What did I do with that paper you ask? Well, isn't obvious, I used it to write my sad story down for all to hear. I will simply toss out my little slot and then someone will read it and…
Wait now, are you saying that I should have wasted that paper on my cleaning my rump? You must be insane. A story such as mine deserves to be told!
And once it is told, someone will surely come to deliver me some toilet paper and give me the profits my story earned. Then I can woo Anju with my glowing rupees.
Until then, I can not leave my dirty wooden little stall. I've told you that in the beginning of my tale. Because of poor hotel management, I am forced to stay in here or I will face horrible embarrassment.
But I won't have to wait long, now my story is sitting on the hall way floor waiting for some one to pick it up and free me. But how will they know who I am? They story will surely be published as anonymous! What have I done?
Nobody knows who I am. Heh, I hate it that way. Not that I chose this path for myself, you see; It was forced upon me by poor hotel management.