AN: Crackfic challenge - of a sorts - written for the FFCapslock Community on livejournal. All usual disclaimers apply.
Balthier was stirred from his sleep by a gentle touch. The ticklish feeling of fingers ghosting lightly over his hips brought a smile to his face; he feigned sleep for a few moments longer, wondering which of the ladies had finally succumbed to his charms.
The fingers twitched, tugging at his belt hesitantly. Not Fran, he thought to himself - she would never be so timid. The grip around his belt buckle tightened along with the muscles in his groin, and Balthier suppressed a mild groan. Not Penelo then, this was no shy mouse trying to work down his pants. The belt was being undone now, and Balthier hid his smile. Coy little minx, he thought. I have you now.
"I see you changed your mind," Balthier murmured, letting his smirk break through as the fingers instantly grew still. Silence hung heavily in the air, and the smirk faded. This sudden shyness was foreign to his headstrong Dalmascan princess; she never hesitated to speak her mind - or act on it. Frowning, he let his eyes slide open and was greeted by a shock of platinum blonde hair.
"Penelo?" Balthier bit out in surprise. Well, he mused, even leading men can be wrong sometimes. Determined to make the most of the situation, he leaned forward and reached for her head. "If you were so eager to have me, my dear, you needed only ask."
Like quicksilver, the figure scooted backwards, away from him and into the moonlight. Balthier jerked to a halt, his hand still outstretched and the lascivious smile frozen on his face.
No, most definitely not Penelo after all, was the only thing he could think.
"Uh... umm... thanks and all, but, uh, I kinda don't swing that way," Vaan was saying.
Shock was quickly fading into displeasure. Not only was Balthier's pleasant dream of being molested by one of his very fine looking female companions quickly evaporating into being molested by Vaan, but he was also being turned down. By Vaan no less, Dalmasca's premiere representative of luckless virgins. It stung enough when Ashe and Fran spurned his advances; he'd be thrice-damned before he let this whelp of a boy also humiliate him. Well, any more than had Vaan already had. In for a copper, in for a gil, he told himself and pressed his assault.
"Oh really," Balthier said smoothly, schooling his shock into a calculating expression. "I wonder, then, just what you thought you were doing. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe that was your hand down my pants."
Vaan mumbled something unintelligible and Balthier barely repressed his scowl. "Well? Speak up, boy!"
"Your belt!" Vaan blurted out suddenly. Then his face flushed red. "I wanted your belt. Y'know. With the guns. I - I just thought - you know, you're a real sky pirate, and if I had your guns, then maybe - "
Balthier leaned back with a tired laugh and dropped his face into an exasperated palm. "Vaan, even if you had my admittedly impressive arsenal, you wouldn't have the slightest idea of what to do with it."
The boy's face turned impossibly redder than it had been before, this time some resentment mixing in with the shame. Not that it bothered Balthier at all; it was a small price to pay for the frustration Vaan's incautious probing had waked. "Fine, just go, we'll speak of this in the morning," Balthier said finally, waving him off. "Oh, and Vaan," he called out as an afterthought. "I think it would be in both our best interests if you refrained from mentioning this incident to the ladies, don't you agree? Poor Penelo might never recover from the shock," he teased.
Vaan sputtered, embarrassment winning over anger, and scuttled out of the tent more quickly than a hasted vorpal bunny.
"Well, there goes my last option for amusement tonight," Balthier sighed as he collapsed back onto his bedroll. His eyebrows rose as a low voice interrupted his brooding.
"His clumsiness continues to astound me," Basch said. "Nothing at all like his brother."
"You heard the entire exchange?" Balthier asked cautiously, growing tense. There was no telling what the other man would do with the information; already there was little love lost between himself and Ashe's self-appointed bodyguard. Though admittedly, that was mostly Balthier's own fault, due to his rather obvious and oft-unwanted advances on the Princess.
Rather than answering him, Basch continued speaking lowly as he stepped over from his bedroll and squatted at Balthier's side. "Vaan may just be Ivalice's last great hope for celibacy within the Church. I believe I can assure you that he was not trying to seduce you this evening." Basch was kneeling now, and staring at him with that same unnerving intensity that was usually reserved for the times when Balthier would dally too long at the princess' side.
Only right now, the princess was nowhere in sight.
A slow, lazy smile spread across Balthier's lips as he leaned back and crossed his arms behind his head. "Unlike you?" he asked archly.
Basch gave him a grim, almost worrisome smile. "You misunderstand me, ser. If there was something I wanted from you, I would simply take it."
"Well then, what are you waiting for?" Balthier flashed him a cocky grin and closed his eyes expectantly. "You know, I was wrong about you," he added as the rustling sound of cloth filled their tent. He inhaled sharply as he felt Basch's warm, slightly chapped lips close on his neck.
"Mmmh?" Basch grunted, more concerned with continuing the task Vaan had aborted that evening than Balthier's oratorical skills.
"You'd make an excellent sky pirate," he groaned.
"And you would make a terrible knight," Basch replied, lifting his lips away as his hands tugged off Balthier's shirt. "Your powers of observation are almost as lacking as Vaan's. I was rather wondering whether or not I would have to take my sword to your head before you would get the point."
Balthier opened his eyes and fixed Basch with a roguish grin. "Well you must admit that her majesty's attire leaves much to be desired."
"Save your puns for an appreciative audience," Basch growled. His expression softened minutely, however, and he gave Balthier a wry smirk. "Though I must concede you that point. Perhaps after we are done here, we can broach the matter with her majesty together."
Balthier's grin widened as he pulled Basch down to his bedroll. "I do believe I like the way you think," he replied.