Disclaimer: Cardcaptor Sakura and its characters are the properties of Clamp, but the plot's solely mine. Rawr.
How to smile
Step One: You think the thought.
There she goes again, trailing her eyes after them even when she doesn't want to see their intimacy, listening to their laughter even when all she wants to hear is silence, because she can't help it if her senses have been refined and attuned to the point that they pick up her presence the moment she steps into school, into class, into her life.
She doesn't understand why she never refuses her a smile even when all she feels is weariness; why she mentally recites her mantra whenever that pang in her heart takes longer than usual to dissolve into pleasantness; and why she keeps up this cycle that would sooner break her than comfort her.
She thinks that maybe it's better if she doesn't try to understand; she thinks that maybe some part of her doesn't want her to.
"Could I ask for a favour, Daidouji-san?"
Plucked out of her reverie, she turns her head to the source of the voice, and is slightly surprised by who she sees.
"If it is within my means to grant it," she says with a quizzical expression, "I'll be glad to help you Hiiragizawa-kun."
"I was wondering if you knew of any places where I can buy good quality cloth? Nakuru wants me to make a dress for her, and is insistent that I use only - and I quote - "the best money can buy." So Daidouji-san, do you know of any place?"
Her lips twitch with amusement, an image of a Nakuru in a frilly floor-length dress pouncing on the back of Touya suddenly popping into her head, and she is very bemused. But that thought is soon overtaken by thoughts about Hiiragizawa's request, and she searches her extensive memories for a name, a place, an address -
"Ah! Why don't you come over to my house, Hiiragizawa-kun? I have this beautiful bolt of fabric lying in my closet, and the colour would really suit Nakuru-chan." He opens his mouth to protest, but she quickly silences him. "I don't want you to waste your money, and besides, it's Nakuru-chan. I would be happy to see her in something of mine!" She doesn't add the thought that it wouldn't hurt so much too, as compared to seeing it on the body of a familiar person.
"Would you, Daidouji-san?"
"Hiiragizawa-kun..?" There is something lurking within his eyes that she can't read, let alone decipher, but for some reason, a pleasant tingle of trepidation courses through her body.
"Would you be happy?"
She pauses for a moment, finding his query at once probing and sensitive at the same time. It takes a minute, but she raises her head to Hiiragizawa, and says with a smile that feels too stretched,
"Hai. I would."
Step Two: Your mind sends the signal - through synapses and neurons and all that jazz - to your mouth.
"Have you sewn a bear before?" He asks one day, as they are picking out spools of bobbin threads at the sewing shop.
She nods her head, a ghost of a smile impressing upon her lips.
"Ah, I see." She hears a pause, and almost thinks that that is the end of the conversation, when he speaks again.
"Will you make a bear for me one day, Daidouji-san?"
She starts visibly from his bold request, and she jerks her head towards him. He is smiling at her, but there's no trace of malice (from the powerful magician) or teasing (from the charming rogue) or seriousness (from the man with the deceptive appearance of a child) in it - only plain warmth and friendliness.
She takes a moment for this image to imprint itself on her brain and files the memory somewhere in the deep recesses of her mind, just in case she needs a reminder of sunshine on a rainy day.
She smiles back, a genuine one she hasn't shown in quite a while, and leaves the interpretation of this wordless answer up to him.
Step Three: Your facial muscles start to twitch. (Remember, it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown.)
"My my. I wasn't aware that I was interrupting you. Are you all right, Syaoran-kun? Why, your face is so red! Perhaps you need to lie down and take a rest – all that blood rushing to your head must be too much for you. Why don't you lie on Sakura-san's lap, eh? I'm sure she won't mind; right, Sakura-san? See? Now, Syaoran-kun, you mustn't be so rude! You've hurt poor Sakura-san's feelings! Or would you prefer my lap? Sure, it's not as soft as Sakura-san's, but I'm sure it's still pretty comfortable. Eh? What's that Syaoran-kun? Oh, I don't mind at all. You see," and at this part, he leans in close to Syaoran, his voice low enough to prevent Sakura from hearing, "I welcome people of all kinds, and both sexes –"
"H-HIIRAGIZAWA! GET THE FREAKIN' HELL AWAY FROM ME YOU BLOODY PERVERT!"
From her perch on the swing Tomoyo watches, and chuckles quietly at the sight of a confused Sakura trying to call down a furious but red-faced Syaoran who, with a shriek, has leapt to the highest tree branch, yet all the while rains down a torrent of expletives at the smiling wizard.
It's not exactly her ideal image of her life, but she's getting there.
(It's not exactly heaven, but she's getting there; slowly but surely.)
He turns to look at her, and their eyes meet. His says, I'm glad that made you smile.
Her says, Maybe next time, I'll laugh out loud.
And he replies, with that deceptively innocent smile still on his face, Don't worry; you will. Just wait and see, ok?
Okay.
Step Four: You feel the lower part of your face moving up, and you feel the pressing in of your cheeks.
"Stay until the end, Daidouji-san."
And she does, waving wildly and smiling widely at the couple as they enter the departure lounge, not ceasing until their slowly diminishing figures disappear fully from her sight. When she stops, the smile is completely gone from her face, and she bows her head, hoping that by doing so she might be able to conceal the fact that her vision is rapidly blurring and that she has trouble breathing right.
He doesn't say a word but cradling an arm around her head, he pulls her towards him, where she seeks the comfort of his chest. She rests her head on it, her arms hanging limply by her side, as she allows tears, forbidden from escaping for the past several years, to finally be released in a steady stream.
Even in anguish and sorrow, she maintains the composure of a lady.
How sad is that?
Step Five: You exert a little more energy, and your cheeks hurt more.
She walks briskly, her breath appearing in little puffs of condensed air - a sign that she's not used to this rigorous exercise. But she forges on, and despite the turbulence of her mind, her legs eventually lead her to her intended destination.
At the doorstep, she rings the doorbell, and uses the time to catch her breath. He appears nary a moment too soon, dressed immaculately in his indoor wear – even his hair looks perfect. She entertains a fleeting suspicion that he had been waiting for her all this time, and she isn't surprised when she internally confirms the fact - she wouldn't put it past him to do such a thing. He is, after all, Hiiragizawa Eriol.
"She called."
"I know."
"She's getting married."
"I know."
"Can you say something other than 'I know'?"
He merely smiles, and she spies a glint of white teeth.
"...You knew all along, didn't you?"
"Knew what?"
"That...that my feelings would turn out like this."
"Would I?" He says enigmatically. "After all, Daidouji-san, you are always so...unfathomable."
"You're one to speak."
Then there is that moment, a time when silence seems to be the most appropriate reply.
"I…"
He waits patiently for her to continue, but his steady gaze suddenly makes her self-conscious and she swallows the rest of the words. Her mind kicks into self-defense mechanism mode, and while what passes next through her lips are true, they are not the words she wishes to speak.
"I, ah, just wanted to thank you for taking care of her these past few years. Especially after, you know…that incident with Syaoran and his family. Oh, and the years before that, during the card transforming days, although you almost killed her on more than one occasion –"
"Daidouji-san?"
He looks bemused, but for a split second, she thinks she catches something flicker across his face that would say otherwise. Then again, it could be the light that's shining behind him, leaving his face in shadow. Maybe it's the light that's playing tricks on her eyes.
"Did you come to see me on her behalf or yours?"
"Wha..? I came her on my own will of - "
"Are you sure you have nothing else to say? After all, you did come all the way here..."
"Would you kindly stop interrupting my sentences, Hiiragizawa-kun."
"Not until you get to the point of the matter, Daidouji-san."
A slight flush of the cheeks, and the smirk appears again.
"You can be quite contemptible at times, you know?"
"I know," he says, a sly grin crossing his face, and leans down to her face to demonstrate an example of said behaviour.
Step Six: Your lips are unsealed, parted to expose your beautiful, straight teeth. Your smile is now revealed for the entire world to see.
She watches him as he takes a sip out of his tea, sets it down again with a tinkle, and finally rests his hands on his knees. The formalities now done, with silent mutual consent they proceed into the real reason behind his visit to her on this particularly lovely day.
Even before he opens his mouth, she knows what he will say, knows what his decision will be. After all, they understand each other so intimately that they are capable of being both the other's best friend and worst enemy. She knows this, but she also knows that she could never deny him those words…because she of all people understands why he must do what he will do.
Yet, that doesn't stop her from wishing otherwise.
She can't stop him from leaving. But neither can she make the first move and leave first. It's not a question of willpower; rather, it is simply that she can't bear the thought of hurting anyone, even if it's for her own good.
"Kaho needs me."
Three simple words, but the pain they inflict is excruciating. Yet, it is precisely because she understands, that she can't offer anything other than a quiet, "Yes." She closes her eyes, and gives him the smile she always gives Sakura when the latter is frightened or in doubt. It is the same smile she gave Syaoran as he stood in the hospital corridor, worried to death about the unknown status of his wife and baby, and it is the same smile she gave the heart-broken Meilin, many years past, as she reassured her that her love was very much appreciated, and that while he could never requite her love, he would always cherish her for it.
"Don't worry, Eriol-kun. I'll be alright. Go to her. She needs you more than I do."
He takes them all - her smile, her words, and the look he gives her in return makes her wish that she was blind and heartless.
She doesn't even make it to the door, because he won't let her. A telephone rings, and by the time she returns from answering it, he's already gone. Just like that, and without a word.
Always so considerate, that he is, she thinks to herself. For a brief second, it crosses her mind to chase after him, but wouldn't his thoughtful deed just go to waste? So she picks up the tea cups, his empty - how considerate of him, yet again - but hers still half-full, and carries them over to one of the poolside tables. She places his across from hers, and sitting down, she sips her lukewarm tea while enjoying the scenery, both real...and imagined.
He didn't say 'goodbye', so she will wait. She will wait until he returns, and if he chooses to say 'goodbye' then, then so be it. But until he does, she will wait, because all she can do is wait.
She takes another sip from her cup.
A drop of water falls into her cup...
But the weather is clear, and there isn't a single rain cloud in the sky.
There. And that's how a smile works. Just follow the steps and you'll get a perfect smile...or won't you?
"But Tomoyo-chan! Why are you also crying? T-Tomoyo-chan..?"
(You forgot to mention, that a smile only works when you're having happy thoughts.)
"Don't worry, Sakura-san."
(But…)
(But sometimes, in a paradoxical way, the same can be applied to crying.)
"My new wife is just having tears of joy, isn't she?"
Tomoyo turns to the handsomely-suited, dark-haired man with twinkling eyes, and her laughter, like a melody of tiny tinkling bells, makes her new husband smile.
Finis
Author's obligatory note: This fanficdotnet just screwed up my format. Sigh. You can go to my LJ account (click on 'homepage' on my profile)to view it in its untarnished, (and in my opinon, better) original form. Author's notes, rantings and misc info about this one-shot and other stories can also be found there, so feel free to hop over and take a look. I won't bite. XD