Eheheh. Hello all ye poor studying souls with barely a break to sleep or eat...um...please don't throw stuff at me.
Yes I know, I should update 'Control' but 1) I'm not done with the chapter...it's close to twenty pages long, and I hope to get one of equal length to follow it...which won't be all that hard to do...I just need to actually writedown all the crud in my head...2) it's pure luck I am here today and updating ANYTHING, and I PROMISED I would update at the start of school. August 17th. Set your calendars if you really care, but I'm forced to stay by my former words. Sorry.
Oh...there's a story behind this story...it's not my...well...USUAL post you could say (crafty grin)
See, I was studying for my biology exam and I failed the quiz on the reproductive system (It was embarrassing okay? I couldn't even open the book to the proper page without blushing!) But while I was wincing and trying to memorize names of rather unmentionable male parts...this suddenly struck me in the backside...and from my position flat on my face, it suddenly looked quite appealing, not to mention, it turned out really funny (Though even more OOC than I usually write). But anyway, I took a break from all the penises staring at me (ewwwww...) and jotted it down before I could forget...then I looked at it later in the night and began to write anew...and here it is now, complete, and--you've gotta admit it-- tres snazzy for a humor fic. (W00T)
Drop me a reveiw! I honestly would LOVE someone to flame me here. (cackle) This is my present to all the people who arepatiently waiting for my next chapter on 'Control' and got into a thouroughly depressed moodset over the summer. You guys rock beyond all imagination! Hooray for a laugh at the expense of some hapless bishounan! (those poor pretty boys...bwahaha...)
Don't get worried if you have never read my stuff before, or read my other story and don't like it. Your reveiws are every bit the ego-candy that others are, and I hope you laugh all the harder
(toasts all with a bowl full of snowcone ice)
Oh...and thus far I have one person who's answered with the weirdest pairing they can think of. Heheh, I'm not sure if it can be outdone, but I'd like people to give me their weirdest, perviest, or funniest pairings! Just slip it in on a reveiw somewhere and I'll get it! Um...it's just for fun, unless I get something to strike me particularly...and if I do, I think someone would know. I'll probably put up the most outrageous suggestions somewhere, I just don't know where. (Gee...did everyone really need to know how scatterbrained I am? I think not.)
Summary: Tomonori and Tsukasa have enjoyed a friendship that has spanned close to two years. They share a home, each being the only family the other has ever had. Comrades, sworn to protect one another and fight together...but that's all going to be drawn into question by two things...Sex Ed, and an innocent eraser with absolutely no knowledge of human romance, and only one source of knowledge: a certain poor unsuspecting catholic preist in for a rather embarrassing bout of explaining to do.
Warnings: PG-13 scenarios (I mean it!)-- Shounan-ai-ish themes (open to interpretation of course, but the questionable themes are there if you look), Suggestive comedy, really bad mental swearing, Intense embarrassment for everyone's favorite bishie preist, and OOC innocence bordering on stupidity on the part of Tsukasa making him say things that are rather innapropriate. Good dirty fun for all. Nyarharhar. Not recommended for audiences under thirteen...but those who aren't, probably won't listen to me anyway. Consider thineself warned. SARCASM ROCKS!
Do not read in a public place where you may be looked upon strangely for bursting into a fit of hilarity...ie. library, computer lab, english class, academic awards ceremony, techno rave concert, or your neighbors swimming pool/jacuzzi
Disclaimer: read the rating and the warnings-- I am not responsible for corrupting people's sex-deprived minds...I am also not responsible for corrupting the minds of small children, those suffering from exploding nostril hairs, mushrooms with mirrors permanantly wedged in their sceptums, or grandmothers who shoot ermines from their left eyes...Notice how I'm not saying anything about any copyright rights I may have? Oh good...Because you see, I don't have any. If I did, the world would be a far scarier and more random place than I am already making it by POSTING this thing, and all all bishounan would have to be registered to live in areas designated for excessive glomping by the natives, and shameless harrassing, taunting, and general picking-on by myself and the underground anti-fan (bowel) movement.
Begun: 5/24/05 ...because of the aforementioned penis problem in my biology book...eugh.
Completed:6/27/05 ...because it was rather low priority on my list.
Posted: 8/17/05 ...because I can't post over the summer! Oh pity me! Poor Neuro! boo hoo... ummm...TXT-ness! (waves a banner nervously)
-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-
Tomonori sat there horrified, blushing like mad (most unlike him, and rather unbecoming to his complexion as well.), unable to beleive this was happening to him. He sat there, struck absolutely dumbfounded, wondering what great sin he had commited, and how he had inspired his God to torture him like this. He honestly would have rather been engaged in an epic battle with a darklore demon bent on spattering his entrails over a square block, and eating the bigger chunks left behind, than face this--And notably, that wasn't a preference made out of ignorance! He KNEW what that particular unsavory experience was like, and quite well at that...but at the moment it looked comparatively appealing...
Of course at the moment, he was busy being enraged with himself and kicking himself in the proverbial ass for not figuring out all of this sooner...but at least he was keeping his options open, right?
Hmm. Some options.
Tsukasa had opened the door to the kitchen, holding an Anatomy book, and Tomonori had KNOWN questions were sure to follow. He should have known better and just stopped it there--he certainly had work of his own working on choosing the hardest questions for his math final exam. (One bright spot to being a teacher--summer vacation!)But of course he didn't tell Tsukasa he was busy--not that he could have known that he should have-- He had expected questions on the artria and ventricles of the heart, questions on the functions of the cerebrum, or the sex life of stupid mosses...ANYTHING but this!
He berated himself, rebuking his own stupidity, his own ignorance...To think he could have avoided all of this, but NO! He had to be helpful! No matter how much work of his own that he had to do, no matter the piles of papers, or the fact that he needed another 800mg of caffeine in his bloodstream to even think of finishing his work tonight, despite it all, he had asked Tsukasa to tell him what he wanted to know.
He'd asked!
He gritted his teeth. In truth he had only himself to blame for this predicament. Curse his kind nature! Curse his soft spot for Tsukasa! Curse his inability to expect this sort of question to come up sooner or later!
Though on second thought...he had to admit, he never would have expected such a subject to come about in...in such a way as this.
He swallowed hard.
He had smiled at Tsukasa politely as he came into the room. He had smiled even wider when he had noticed the book. Poor Tsukasa...science really wasn't his strong spot. Especially not Anatomy...but then again, his wasn't exactly human to begin with...to him it must've been like telling a human to remember the names for all the bones and organs of a pig because it would be useful for them later on in life, or something equally pointless and time consuming. But Tomonori was sure that if he hadn't actually gone and SMILED about Tsukasa's pleas for help with his studies for the exams, he would be feeling a touch less bent on calling himself an idiot than he was now...
But the younger boy had just looked so...confused. It wasn't like he ever would have just turned away and told him to figure it out on his own anyway...
"Tomonori-san...I don't understand this at all! Anatomy is confusing!" How stupid he had been to smile at those frustrated words...he made a mental note to himself: In the future if Tsukasa came into the room with THAT book, he was going to hike up his robes and run for his life screaming like a six year old girl on helium--never mind his dignity! He gritted his teeth, knowing that if there was ever a next time, he wouldn't be able to NOT help Tsukasa, and therefore would fall for the same horrible trouble with the same self-cursing and woe. And of course, in his even greater ignorance, he had smiled and told Tsukasa to go ahead and tell him what exactly he didn't understand.
The last thing he had expected was "Tomonori-san...what's sex?"
Why, that alone coming from that innocent little mouth with a perfectly naive expression was enough to make him choke on the coffee he had been busy drinking. (choke was actually a touch of an understatment now that he thought about it).
In hindsight, he was reasonably sure that all the choking was a result of an attempted gasp of surprise, and a jaw drop coupled together in a spilt instant where his mind happened to process what Tsukasa had said.
Reasonably sure...
He was just as reasonably sure that the sudden action of him spewing his mouthful of coffee over the table, then choking nearly to death would have been quite entertaining to watch...but it was something else altogether to actually try to get the coffee out of his lungs while thinking of how on earth he was supposed to answer the question. For a breif instant he wondered if he was going to faint, but the moment passed as he hacked and cough impressively--quite the impression of a volcano.
But anyway...
After he had proceeded to practically spew the contents of his whole mug of coffee all over the table, and choked/coughed in the throes of near death for so long that Tsukasa had become worried for his life, he had tried hard to think of what to say without frightening that poor innocent boy, or-for all he knew-bringing back some memories yet forgotten.
Not an easy feat when one was gasping for their very life at the same time...
Oh sweet God, what had he done to deserve such injustice? He asked himself this over and over again...
Well on the--almost nonexistant--bright side, at least the color of his face could be attributed to the ecesssive death-choking he had just done, rather than to sheer and utter embarrassment...but that still left the problem of giving Tsukasa an answer... He swallowed hard--which was rather painful considering his still ragged breathing...
He fought the urge to groan. How wonderful... He'd wanted Tsukasa to think of him as a father, and now he had to give the birds-and-the-bees talk! This was just NOT his day. To tell the truth, he honestly would rather swallow his cross whole and have to deal with the resulting indigestion than deal with this embarrassing of a subject, not to mention one he was rather uncomfortable in even accepting the existance of.
"Um...you DO know this, right Tomonori-san?"
"Uh...y-yes!" He cursed his tongue and his vocal cords for ending the statement in a question. He never stuttered! The word 'uh' had never crossed his lips before when talking to someone young enough to be his student--WAS his student! "Y-You see...when two people love eachother..." He swallowed trailing off. Somewhere from there in a very complicated and sophisticated (NOT) explanation, he had managed to stutter out that they would typically get married and...sleep together.
Actually he couldn't remember what he said, he was that scared out of his own wits, but he KNEW that had to be roughly what he said.
Oh joy. Glad that was over.
The only trouble was...it wasn't.
Tsukasa had accepted the explaination with a smile. Then he had come to the beginning of his current trouble, as Tsukasa's smile turned into a thoughtful frown. "Tomonori-san...do you love me?" he had begun to breathe more easily at that...and the fact that his voicebox seemed to have cleared itself of the half cup of coffee he had accidentally inhaled moments before and he could actually breathe without sounding like a dying old man. "Yes Tsukasa." Of course he loved Tsukasa...well, he CARED about him, which was the same thing, right?
If he had only known the trouble it would cause him, he would have never answered--Another moment where he should have taken the opportunity to run for his life, dig a hole in the floor, and hide under the rug.
Then the boy had clapped his hands together, gleefully (Which had actually been rather cute out of context) "That's good, because I love you too, and since we were having sex...well it probably wouldn't be right if we didn't...right?"
Blink.
"...wh-what?" He had said rather weakly after picking up his jaw from the floor and reattaching it to the rest of his face. Luckily all of his coffee had been previously inhaled/choked out or he probably would have done another volcano imitation...( and anyway, It wasn't polite to leave your mouth open, and in his opinion he looked like an idiot on the few occasions it happened...)
Did he just say that they had...SEX? Since when had they had SEX? What the Hell was going on here!
Tomonori stared, making a faint squeaky noise that even he didn't know he could make, and was that his eye twitching? Tsukasa had been suddenly shy, blushing sweetly. "well...you let me sleep with you when I have nightmares...and we both love each other...I know we're not married, but it's okay since we love each other right?" That had done it. He had nearly fallen from his chair in astonishment.
Oh sweet Father of heavenly lights...Tsukasa actually thought that...?
Oh dear...
Tomonori's face was instantly burning with embarrassment as his mind made the connection.
Oh dear GOD! Tsukasa actually thought they had...GAH! Tomonori began coughing again. This time, half out of embarrassment, and half so he could have some time to think. Tsukasa misinterpreted it, his face became worried--probably because Tomonori's complexion had changed from something quite pale to something you could use to signal planes to land, or use to replace Rudolph on sick days for Santa's sleigh.
"Oh...Tomonori-san...I-I-I didn't mean to say something that makes you embarrassed...if you don't want us to have sex anymore...well...I guess it would be okay."
"Uhhhn..." Tomonori groaned, fiddling with his glasses nervously. Yeah, real eloquent. Come on words! Reinsert yourselves into this brain already!
This called for a different definition of sex...
He would have to go through the torment AGAIN! Dammit! This really just wasn't his day!
He swallowed. His voice cracked, he winced. "...Well...It seems my definition is a bit...skewed..." He tried to say the words brightly, but ended up sounding like the cafeteria lady who ruined half her voicebox by smoking pipes...all scratchy. He swallowed hard, clearing his throat"...Tsukasa?...You and I haven't...er...had...sex."
Tsukasa blinked, his expression had changed from understanding to utter confusion "Huh? A-Are you sure?...you said-"
"QUITE sure." Tomonori said stiffly, trying to muster some shred of maturity and dignity back into his expression. God, was he sure! "...Sleeping together is a euphemism." He said with an air of profundity...
There, now that sounded better, perhaps if he kep it up in this fashion, he could salvage his dignity...just keep his voice steady, and be professional...that didn't sound too hard...
His moment of 'professor-ship' was completely ruined when Tsukasa gazed at him and asked "What's that mean?"
Blink.
How interesting, if his hands hadn't been holding him in his seat, he would have definately fallen from it and looked more stupid than he did while he was currently gaping. Ouch.
That had worked out quite a bit worse than he had hoped... All his words had flown out his ears again. Bugger.
"...Oh! I'm sorry...I probably sound really stupid for not knowing but-" Tomonori took off his glasses, fingers working at cleaning them off with the hem of his robe. He could feel his face heating. It was amazing how intent you could get in something utterly dull when you were trying to avoid something infinitely embarrassing--hey! Was that a scratch? Hmm...he'd never noticed that before...maybe he should replace the lens... He swallowed. Come on brain THINK!
"No, not at all...a euphemism is a more...appropriate way to say something...something one does not want to bring up in polite talk...it's a figure of speech..." He straightened, feeling his face warm again. "Tsukasa, what I meant is...there's far more involved with sex than...sleeping together." Tsukasa blinked, ever innocent. "Like what?" Tomonori gulped. Why did he have to ask THAT! Hey! look at the floor! What an incredible shade of...um...color? Ooh...where'd that stain come from? He'd never noticed that before...hmm, he'd really have to fix that later... Tsukasa suddenly brightened "oh! You mean like the pictures in the textbook?"
Eh?
Tomonori stared. Now he was sure of it, if his eyes got any larger they would pop out of his head. He was sure he looked like a tomato with a sunburn."...Pictures?" he asked weakly. Tsukasa began flipping in the book. Oh no...it didn't...look away Tomonori! Look away!
Whoops, too late.
Oh God.
The sketch Tsukasa showed Tomonori more than accurately portrayed what he was trying to say, and guaranteed that Tomonori was going to have to spend at least another hour in confession later on. So much for protecting Tsukasa's virgin eyes...he was REALLY going to have a nice long discussion with the Anatomy Sensai after all this...
"Like this?" Tsukasa asked, ever innocent pointing at the picture. Tomonori turned his head, feeling his stomach churn and nodded weakly.
He hated Science.
He really hated Science.
Physics he could handle, that was mostly math after all, but Anatomy and Biology and all those other things with more than their fair share of useless latin and such...He cut off his train of thought, trying with all his might not to pass out with a severe nosebleed. Breath Tomonori, breathe! Oxygen! AIR!
Maybe if he tried to faint he wouldn't have to answer these questions...maybe he could just PRETEND to faint...hmm, that sounded really good at the moment...
"It that right Tomonori-san?" Dang! He must not have seen the nod. Tomonori forced his voice not to squeak, and forced himself to stay seated in his chair rather than attempting to hide under the table in a fetal position. "Y-Y-Yes Tsukasa. Th-That's right." Tsukasa bit his lip and studied the 'educational' sketch...complete with see-through replicas of the male and female bodies detailing the sex organs. "Oh...Does it hurt?" Tsukasa asked worriedly.
Tomonori swallowed (was there a stone stuck in his throat or something?) He couldn't help blushing even darker.
How long would it take before his face permanantly became this color? How was HE of all people, supposed to know if sex hurt or not? Didn't Tsukasa know he was a PREIST?
"I d-don't know..." Tomonori admitted, stuttering. He cringed inwardly. Now he sounded like a blubbering idiot, as well as a prude.
Oh Joy.
Well done Tomonori. Now it's time to try to figure out how to GET OUT OF THIS FAR TOO PERSONAL CONVERSATION!
"Why not?" Tsukasa asked, ever innocent and naive. Tomonori actually flinched. Why wouldn't he know if sex hurt!
Gee, I wonder.
Did he have to spell it out?
...Fainting was starting to look nice again.
Tsukasa's eyes widened. "Oh! I didn't mean to offend you Tomonori-san...I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to..." Tomonori sighed. "Because I am a virgin." He said, trying not to cringe, clutching his coffee mug in a death-grip. Those were just about the LAST words he had ever wanted to tell to Tsukasa so bluntly...He was expected to know about this without having ever...?
He shuddered. Even Tsukasa had to know enough to know what a virgin was, and tease Tomonori about it. Tomonori's stomach was in a blender on liquify just considering all the teasing Tsukasa could give him. He was positive that if he didn't faint in the next thirty seconds from all the blood rushing to his head, he was going to be sick to his stomach. Tsukasa blinked "a virgin is..."
"A person who has never had sex, Tsukasa!" Tomonori said, sounding more exasperated than he should have. Good God! How on Earth did Tsukasa manage to pull a B- in Anatomy if he didn't even know these simple definitions!
Tsukasa blinked "Oh...am I a virgin?" Tomonori's jaw dropped. How was he supposed to know THAT? He knew absolutely NOTHING about how sexually active Tsukasa was. He shut his mouth, it mumbled without his consent, "As far as I know..." He said darkly under his breath with gritted teeth.
"huh?" Tsukasa said, looking confused.
Tomonori massaged his sinuses, feeling suddenly both old, and awkward. He could feel his face glowing red in yet another very out of character blush...though at the rate he kept it up, it would become his TRADEMARK soon...
Dammit...Dammit...DAMMIT!
His hands kept trying to find things to do, moving nervously, "Have you ever had sex?" he asked a bit more bluntly that he probably should have, not looking at Tsukasa. There was that stain on the floor again...it was really beginning to annoy him.
Patience Tomonori, Patience!
Tsukasa looked up at him and slowly shook his head in a 'no'. "then you're a virgin." Tomonori said with weary flatness. He wanted to finish this conversation as quickly as possible so he could get his mind on something else.
Tsukasa looked positively delighted though, he wrapped his arms around a very stunned Tomonori. "Oh good! So we're both virgins!" He sounded happy...
Tomonori blinked confusedly as Tsukasa remained blissfully unaware of how strange this whole conversation was turning out. Why would Tsukasa be happy about something like THAT! It was a good thing in Tomonori's 'servant of the Lord' type of veiw, but it wasn't a bit of information he wanted that particularly naive individual advertising to the world... And it wasn't something the average young man would be particularly proud about anyway...
Tsukasa shut his eyes, smiling happily, resting his head against Tomonori's chest. "You still love me right Tomonori-san?" Tomonori sighed wearily, pulling back on his glasses and returning Tsukasa's hug "Yes Tsukasa." Tsukasa looked up at him questioningly "Even though we're not having sex?" Tomonori coughed again, looking away. Why me? He asked himself mentally.
This was getting...very odd--no, it had long since passed the boundries of 'odd'!
This was downright sacreligious!
The young eraser's face fell, interpreting his silence as a 'no'.
"Of course, Tsukasa." Tomonori said before Tsukasa could speak.
Dangit. There wasn't any easy way around this, huh?
Well this obviously wasn't a question he could not answer. It felt vaguely unfair though. (Rather like the infamous question, 'am I fat' from a girl)
Tsukasa sighed in releif. He smiled, then stopped, suddenly pink in the face, looking up at Tomonori. "then...do we have sex now?"
Tomonori gasped in shock, stiffening as though jabbed with a hot poker, his face suddenly a more brilliant scarlet than ever before. All the color even more suddenly drained out and the skin became nearly white, then the two mixed rather badly so his face was splotched most unattractively with patches of white, and patches of brilliant scarlet.
GAH!
What was Tsukasa ASKING?
Was he really ASKING for Tomonori to...no, he couldn't be!
...Was he?
Tomonori paled further, mouthing silently in disbeleif.
This wasn't happening! This couldn't be happening!
Tsukasa looked up with innocent eyes, cluelessly persistant. "Um..if we're in love...aren't we supposed to have sex?" Tomonori gaped. How was he ever going to get out of this one! He shook his head violently as though to clear it. "Ts-Tsukasa...I.." The young eraser's face was mild, smiling.
Tomonori blushed again, trying to calm himself.
He's not making a pass at you...
He's not making a pass at you...
he doesn't know what he's saying...
calm down...
calm DOWN...
DON'T panic, THINK!
"...N-Not every loving relationship needs to...to...to become so intimate...Tsukasa" Tomonori managed to stutter. Tsukasa looked at him, not understanding. Tomonori swallowed. "But...would you...would you like having sex with me? It feels good doesn't it? oh wait..."
Tomonori swallowed again, forcing his mouth to remain closed, but blushing even harder.
Could Tsukasa see the sheer and utter terror in his eyes? Oh God, this was worse than a girl asking the 'am I fat' question...and anyway what kind of question was this?
WOULD he like having sex with him--well how was HE supposed to know THAT!
He no longer knew whether Tsukasa was able to understand that his questions had long ago crossed the line, or the fact that what he was asking was completely innapropriate to question a preist on. Let alone, innapropriate for a minor to ask of an adult.
But...it wasn't like Tomonori could not answer them...the boy trusted him to know things, if he didn't answer with honesty, Tsukasa...what would he do?
Irritation stirred in him for a moment--he wasn't particularly good under the pressure of embarrassment. What was the 'wait' for? Was Tsukasa trying to make him sound as though he was bad at it?
...though come to think of it...he probably was... GAH!
What was with this child and SEX! What was with his OWN HEAD drifting into the gutter just because Tsukasa mentioned sex?
Two words--serious confession.
If he survived this, he was going to become a religious hermit and live on an island at the other side of the world, and never see another human (or another eraser for that matter!) for the rest of his life.
Well...maybe not quite that severe...but it sounded pretty good, all things considered.
He tried to fit some clue of meaning in Tsukasa's face, while trying not to think about what Tsukasa was saying. (oh GOD!)
...Tsukasa's wide eyed expression gave away that he obviously didn't know what he was talking about, but still...
Tomonori breathed deeply, calming himself, forcing himself not to panic or say something he might regret later on, or do something innapropriate...such as bang his head against the wall for a few hours, or begin ripping out fistfuls of his hair--both prospects looked strangely attractive at the moment.
"Tsukasa, we are both men." He said stiffly, trying to maintain some formalty, some sternness. Tsukasa blinked, obviously not understanding.
CONFOUND IT ALL! Was he really THAT naive? Was he raised in a hermitage?
Oops, bad question to ask an eraser (how WAS he raised anyway? A spaceship? Something like that, right?)...oh God...how to explain this one...
"...er...look, remember the picture?" Tomonori said awkwardly, nervously twisting a lock of hair to give his hand something to do. Why had he just suddenly noticed that Tsukasa was sitting on him? This was NOT the time to get his mind in the gutter! And just mentioning that picture made him feel vaguely disturbed and queasy.
Tsukasa cocked his head and nodded slowly. Tomonori was saved from a very awkward explanation by a sudden blush to Tsukasa's face. "Ohhh..." He looked suddenly quite embarrassed. Tomonori felt sorry for him, but he was nonetheless releived.
Another understatement...Inwardly he was praising his sweet Lord and Savior for sparing his servant from some of this supreme embarrassment.
If he were a spontanteous person he'd be dancing and shouting the fevered prayers of gratitude he was murmuring in his head.
"Yes, See? You understand? It doesn't work that way." Tsukasa nodded "two men can't have sex." He said dutifully.
Tomonori's throat tightened. Uh oh... Did he really want to get into the ways that men had altered the ways of nature over the centuries? "well...Not in the proper sense." Tomonori muttered hurriedly, flushing again. His mind was currently fixed on ways he could get Tsukasa off of him without being offensive. It was a rather short list...meaning he couldn't think of any at the moment
Tsukasa stared for a moment, wide eyed. "Huh? They can?" Tomonori gave a sigh.
After this, he was duct taping his mouth SHUT!
"The human mind always finds ways..." He muttered darkly. Tsukasa looked away, pink in the face. "So we shouldn't?...even though my class..." Tomonori swallowed, gritting his teeth. He really didn't want to get into this...That anatomy teacher was going to be HAMBURGER by the time he was done with that particular idiot! "No, we DEFINATELY shouldn't...and I certainly wouldn't expect you to!" Not that Tsukasa thought he wanted to do something like that to him...did he?
Tomonori swallowed, suddenly VERY uneasy.
Oh he sure hoped the boy didn't expect something like that...it was just this talk...messing with his head, right? He hoped so. At this point he was embarrassed to the brink of confusion. That had to be it. Tsukasa was quiet for a long time. "um...Tomonori-san...has a man ever.." The boy suddenly blushed.
Tomonori gritted his teeth, and held tightly onto his chair, resisting the urge to deck himself in the head with something heavy. His mind was reeling in utter shock. He swallowed hard, trying to releive his nausea.
Oh sweet GOD! That naive little angel was asking him if he'd ever had sex with another man!
Tomonori's eyes bulged, his face did another tomato impression.
...Not that that idiot Tracer didn't hit on him at every opportunity...
GAH! Oh GOD! he REALLY didn't need this thought in his mind!
"No! I'm a virgin! Didn't I say that already?" He was suddenly aware of the fact that Tsukasa was staring at him strangely, he fumbled with his hair, looking away. That had come out louder than he had intended...oops...he feverishly hoped that the neighbors had on their TVs more loudly than usual...
"A virgin." He repeated with his jaw tightly set. "Meaning that I have had no sexual experiences at all, understood?" He gritted his teeth. Did he have to sound so mad? And did he have to be so blunt? He blanched as he realized what he had just said.
Tsukasa now had his turn to do a tomato impression "O-Oh...I-I'm sorry! I-I didn't mean to..." He opened and closed his mouth a few times. Tomonori sighed, sounding exasperated.
NOW he figured it out! ABOUT TIME!
...There, now he'd done it. He shouldn't have lost his temper like that...He felt ashamed. Now look what'd happened. Tsukasa was embarrassed! What if he'd hurt his feelings? He sighed, quietly giving an apology, "No...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that, you didn't know." Tsukasa blushed.
"But...you still love me?" Tomonori felt his eye threaten to twitch again.
Idiot, he didn't mean it THAT way.
"Yes Tsukasa."
Patience Tomonori, Patience.
This is Tsukasa, you shouldn't be angry at him. He doesn't know what he's doing. Tsukasa smiled again. That shy smile seemed suddenly non sequitor in context..."That's good...even if we're not having sex." he whispered.
"what is with you and SEX?" Tomonori groaned exasperatedly. He winced. There he went losing his temper again! His knees would be bloody from knelt prayers tonight. He really wasn't used to this sort of embarrassment...this wasn't like him at all...He was usually quite patient.
And he didn't BLUSH!
...Note to self: I hate you!
Tsukasa blinked, suddenly blushing and staring at the floor. He mumbled, "well...it's just...i-in class, they said that...that when you find a person you want to spend the rest of your life with...and you love them...and you want to start a family with them, then that's when you... have...sex." Tomonori's eyes widened. That didn't mean...
Wait just a minute now!
There was something REALLY twisted in that statement somewhere!
"Well..."
Tomonori suddenly stiffened.
Oh no...he KNEW where this was going NOW...
He scrunched his eyes shut in a grimace. Why me?...He had to say something! He had to cut it off! And hurry!
Tsukasa looked at him shyly, he smiled shakily, bashfully looking away.
"You always said we were family Tomonori-san...and we do love each other...and I would like to spend the rest of my life with you...so...um..sh-shouldn't we be-" Tomonori was unable to stop himself from suddenly laughing.
Scratch that, CACKLING was more the word for it.
"...this is all...Oh God..." He cracked up even more. His emotions had been messed up so much in the past twenty minutes that this all suddenly seemed riotously funny.
Tsukasa stared, wide eyed, blushing picturesquely "T-Tomonori-san?"
Tomonori ruffled his hair affectionately "I hate science." He groaned while vaguely wondering why in the seven hells was he smiling?
Tsukasa tenatively pulled a lock of hair behind his ear, biting one of his knuckles nervously.
(Oh, what a bad habit! He had to work with Tsukasa on quitting that! He had lovely hands, it would be a shame to ruin them like that...)
"Um...Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me Tomonori-san?" Tomonori groaned inwardly, his laughter ceasing, though he still had an idiotic, and highly out of character grin on his face.
The grin was pasted on obviously...who WOULD smile about something like THIS?
My God, your servant will be with you shortly in due process of his head exploding...
Tsukasa was confusing him more than anything had in years.
He did want Tsukasa to stay with him...though he DEFINATELY could say that sex was the last thing on his mind...or it WOULD be if Tsukasa would stop bringing it up!
...This was suddenly all very suspicious...no harm done, though...Tsukasa wasn't exactly asking for a marriage certificate or anything... was he? "Yes?" He said questioningly raising an eyebrow at Tsukasa. Tsukasa smiled happily. "Oh good." Tomonori felt sneaking suspicions in the back of his mind. "Tsukasa...is this some kind of joke?"
Tsukasa looked up with suddenly liquidy eyes, shocked.
Oops.
"...t-that I want to stay with you?"
"Hm? Oh! No, not that! This whole..." He cleared the lump from his throat and gestured vaguely trying to find some way to make it not sound perverted.
Tsukasa blinked "Huh? What, Tomonori-san?"
"This...whole..." He swallowed" This whole...sex...thing..." Tomonori finished weakly, blushing again. What was wrong with him? He was a grown man! He shouldn't be blushing at the word 'sex' like an alter boy! He had gone through this class once upon a time...though at the moment, the 'highly sophisticated' explanations of sex weren't coming to him...He didn't have anything to FEAR from the word did he?
Maybe it was Tsukasa...sitting contentedly on his lap as though he belonged there. That in itself was immensely distracting given their current conversation...what was he doing there anyway?
Tsukasa gave him a nervous smile "Um...no...Why would I joke about this Tomonori-san?"
Oh...Tsukasa didn't have much in him for pranks now did he?
Hmm, why had that even entered his mind in the first place? "You're right...I'm sorry Tsukasa...it's just..." He felt an irritated growl in his throat as the flow of words blanked off. "It's just..."
"It makes you uncomfortable..." Tomonori blushed a faint shade of pink, but nodded curtly. "Oh..." Tsukasa was suddenly silent. His head bowed. "Well...maybe not the rest of my life then..." Tomonori wanted to smack himself
"That's not what I meant!" He gulped suddenly. Too loud again.
Tsukasa was staring at him.
Now would be a good time to continue talking!
"Er...I mean, I wasn't trying to say I don't like having you here with me...it's...this talk...that's what makes me feel so..." Tomonori's adjective supply closed up on him. He made a squeaky noise, gesturing.
Now would be a very good time for this so called 'brilliant mind' of his to kick in...
"Um...uncomfortable?" Tsukasa supplied. Tomonori nodded so hard he made himself dizzy.
"Oh..." Tsukasa hesitated "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable." Tomonori sighed "I know you didn't." Tsukasa sighed "It's just..." Tomonori was suddenly aware that Tsukasa was slowly pulling his arms around his midriff to hug him. "All this stuff they talked about in class made no sense to me. I guess it's because I'm not human...that's probably why HUMAN Anatomy class always has been a little strange, but..." He sighed again. "I really didn't mean to make you feel bad...nobody in my class seemed...embarrassed about it. I'm sorry"
Tomonori frowned. Now he himself could recall just how much he loathed such segments of the science class "I doubt they would be...your teacher split the class according to gender?" Tsukasa looked up "N-no, she just...kept us all there...Aki-Sensai didn't seem too worried...she didn't seem embarrassed either..." Tsukasa swallowed. Tomonori could feel the confusion running off Tsukasa in waves. Join the club. "Tomonori-san...is sex embarrassing?" Tomonori swallowed.
Now, how to make himself not look like an idiot...
"I suppose it depends on the person and the situation..." A thought dawned in Tomonori's mind. No, not a good time to introduce Tsukasa to the concept of rape!
Mouth stays shut!
"I'm a preist." Tomonori heard himself begin. Hey, his voice sounded calm again! About time! "I have vows forbidding it." He swallowed. Now how to draw the line "If I were to break those vows, I would be quite upset." No kidding. He got uneasy at the very word 'sex'. Saying the action and it's aftermath would be quite upsetting was a SEVERE understatement. He was uneasy NOW just thinking of such a hypothetical situation. But it was the only way he could avoid giving a far more worrisome example.
Not to mention it might end the whole conversation--a consequence that Tomonori was quite willing to accept. "What if you loved the person Tomonori-san?" Tomonori froze. He couldn't think of any instance in his life where he had felt strongly enough to think about sex.
It was now beginning to make him wonder if he had problems.
The very act of wondering such a thing made him suspect that he did.
"Well...I can marry...I think...in which case I would be allowed to er...with that person...but I doubt I will."
"Why not?" Tomonori blinked. Why not what?
"Hmm?"
"I mean, why don't you think you'll get married Tomonori-san?" Tomonori physically tensed. He shouldn't be asking this, it's private! But it wasn't like he was about to not answer Tsukasa.
Tomonori sighed "Because I don't get attracted..." He said a bit more tersely than he should have. Tsukasa was looking at him almost...sadly? Pityingly? Great, now he was something to be pitied? Fear the mighty human standard of unattractiveness! Ugh.
"Oh..." He said softly. "Why not?" Tsukasa asked.
Tomonori frowned. Why not indeed?
"I don't know." He answered truthfully. Tsukasa blinked innocently. "Oh dear! Look! I'm sitting on you! I'm cutting off the circulation to your legs! I'm so sorry!" He scrambled off him. Tomonori experimentally cracked a joint in his toe. He grimaced. His foot was asleep. How had Tsukasa known? "It's alright." He murmured. Tsukasa smiled "Um, really, thank you Tomonori-san. You helped me alot. I still have some questions, but...um...I won't ask you if it makes you uncomfortable." Tomonori breathed a sigh of releif. "Thank you." He said, truly grateful. Tsukasa smiled and picked up his book. "Um...I should let you work now." Tomonori smiled in releif and went back to his scouring of the math book for calculus problems.
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The next day, Naoya Itsuki was stopped just outside the school grounds by the sight of a frustrated looking Amou bangingi the back of his head against the trunk of a cherry tree. He paused for a moment, taking a drag on his cigarrette, before deciding that he should go over and attempt to figure out what was wrong before Amou knocked himself out. "What's up Amou?" He asked, looking slightly concerned. Tsukasa stopped banging his head with a sweet angelic smile, as though nothing odd was happening at all, though the dizzy wobbling was rather a giveaway. "Oh, Hello Itsuki-kun...um...I'm sorry, did you say something?" Itsuki raised an eyebrow, and smirked around his cigarrete. "I asked what's up...you having a seizure or something?" Amou shook his head 'no', and gave a noise of irritation "I don't get this bloody Anatomy crap! It makes no sense!" Itsuki grinned. Amou was swearing. That was a bad sign. "You want some help?" Amou smiled brilliantly, his face brightening. "Oh would you?" Itsuki shrugged "Sure." Little did he know the horrors in store for him and that this was his only chance to run and hide. Amou smiled sweetly, innocently, making his next words all the more astonishing and seemingly out of character.
"Itsuki-kun, what's sex?" Itsuki nearly swallowed his lit cigarrette in his gasp, he choked and hacked, eyes bulging. He clutched his throat.
Two words filled his head amidst his chokes and Amou's words of concern.
Oh fuck...
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Tsukasa's pretty face was contorted by a frown when Tomonori opened the door and entered the house afterschool."What's wrong?" He asked, concerned by Tsukasa's expression. "Why won't anyone tell me what sex is!" Tsukasa muttered, looking vaguely annoyed. Tomonori's eyes widened, eyes lighting on the textbook in Tsukasa's hands with absolute horror. He reached for the doorknob again. "Where are you going Tomonori-san?" Tsukasa asked, mystified. "Ah...er...errand!" Tomonori managed to say, quickly leaving. The door clicked shut. Tsukasa blinked, suddenly confused. "was it something I said?" He murmured, frowning in thought, looking down at his anatomy book in some confusion.
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So...how's that for an explosive first humor fic? (grins nastily) Heheh. I couldn't figure out how to end it for the longest time. I was sitting at home around one in the morning when I began musing about who else these sorts of questions would embarrass (I'm thinking Shiba-kun as number one in the nosebleed department) And it hit me. So in the end, he asks Itsuki the next day (I liked the mental play on his reaction the best, because if was a lot like Tomonori's, not to mention the pun in his choice of mental swearing--sorry if you were offended, I usually avoid using strong language). And when Itsuki apparently fails to answer properly, he just mentions the word 'sex' and Tomonori runs. (giggles) Dang what a great mental picture, eh?
Hope the humor story was enjoyed!
Exams are a pain in the ass, right?
I really hate sex ed...
Reveiw please! Be as honest as you want! If it sucks in your opinion, don't be afraid to tell me!
(grin) HAVE A HAPPY SUMMER. AUGUST 17th GUYS!