Disclaimer: I don't own Skins or the characters!
A/N: Series 4 spoilers. This isn't my usual type of story or my usual pairings, but it came to mind, so I wrote it down. Title and lyrics in the story are from the Mike Schmid song "Forget You". I hope you'll all give this a chance despite the pairings. It's not long. Please read and REVIEW!
I thought I'd never see you again
I also thought that I was wrong
If time's my enemy, I don't know who's my friend
All I know is every day's so long
Cook stares at the cell wall opposite him. It's blank, bleak, like his mind. He can't let himself feel. He can't let himself think. It's not an option.
He got off on self defence for the murder of that fucking psycho therapist. He had been attacked with a baseball bat after all. Once he'd gotten out of the hospital his lawyer had miraculously managed to argue down his other charges to a year in prison and then community service. He wasn't sure how. He didn't care.
He gets out tomorrow. He doesn't want to.
In this cell he's safe, he can pretend that nothing that happened was real. He can pretend that Freddie's just too busy to come visit. He can pretend that when he gets out he'll go down to the pub with Freds and JJ and have a few drinks and they'll fill him in on the last year.
He always thought he'd see Freddie again. Always. Even though they were fighting. Even though the last year of their friendship had been fairly shit. Even though he'd thought that Freds had taken off without saying goodbye. He'd thought at the time, "Right that's it, never see his sorry arse again," but he'd never believed it. He'd always secretly thought he was wrong.
He had to be wrong. He loved Freddie. Loves him. Love doesn't fade with death. And Freddie loved him. Still does, wherever the fuck he is now. Of that, Cook is sure.
The truth is, and he knows, that he won't see Freddie again. Not soon. Not until maybe heaven someday, though Cook highly doubts that that's where he's headed in the afterlife, if such a place even exists. But at least in here, in this cell he can pretend. He can let himself believe that the funeral had just been a bad dream, that John Foster had just been a bad dream, that Effy is strong and mentally stable. In here he can live in the fantasy world in his head where he and Freds are still the bestest of best mates with many more adventures of life left to conquer together.
Time is ticking away though. This little bubble that Cook's been living in to protect himself is disappearing with every second that passes. Time's his enemy and he has no friends. Not anymore. He's no good for JJ, so he'll leave him be. Effy doesn't need him. She needs mental stability. Naomi, now she was a good friend, but she's fucked off to Goa or somewhere with Emily. Katie's never liked him. Panda and Thomas have fucked off to America.
Karen...well, she'd be too painful, he knows. He can't see her.
He doesn't understand how the time has gone so quickly. At the start of his sentence, a year seemed like a lifetime and every day lasted forever. Now, this day can't last long enough.
Yet every day manages to feel like an eternity without him. Without Freds. Frederick McClair. The best fucking friend anyone could ask for. Gone.
The toughest part is all of the little things
Like sleeping, eating, driving my car
And fighting back the tears
And keeping my mind from wandering to wondering where you are
Readjusting to the real world is hard. Katie's proved to a be a great friend after all (and the irony isn't lost on Effy, not at all). As supportive as Katie is, as nice and ever present, it's just not the same. There's something missing and you'll never get it back.
Readjusting without him seems almost impossible at times. In the hospital Effy had been insulated (and, if she's honest, fairly drugged). She hadn't needed to deal.
She had cried for days straight after she'd found out about...him. (The name is too painful for her to think.) Then she'd been taken to the hospital and knocked unconscious until she'd stopped straining and stopped fighting and instead had just been still and quiet. She hadn't made a sound when she'd been let out to go to the funeral. She hadn't looked at a soul.
Katie had started visiting, apparently unbothered by the silence, but then, she always was good at filling it. She had "recovered" in the official sense of the word. She's talking again. She can even laugh and smile, though it never feels heartfelt. It never reaches her eyes.
Out in the real world, she can't shake the empty feeling she feels inside. He's gone. He's never coming back. The man she'd loved was gone.
Effy knows it's been a year, but she still fights back tears at night. That's when it's the worst. She remembers all the times that he lay at her side, all of the laughs and touches and kisses and fucks that they shared. Sleeping is difficult without him. She's got medicine for it, but it only helps so much.
It's the little things that remind her of him. Things that she'd never have thought would make her reminisce, make her wonder where he is now, if heaven exists, if there is anything after death besides dirt and decomposition.
She'll get in the car to drive to the doctor and remember driving to Gobbler's End with everyone, where he and she had their first time. She'll wonder if any consciousness of him still exists in some plane and can remember it too.
It's every little thing. That's the problem. She knows (or rather she's been told) that the ache in her chest will fade, but she doubts that it will ever vanish.
Some wounds are too deep to heal.
But I'm doing fine without you
I live my life the best I know to live it
I never even think about you
It's hard enough to just get through this minute
Without telling the truth
That I never do
Forget you
It's the semblance of "fine" that Cook does his best to emanate. It's hard, but he's trying. Freddie wouldn't want him to dwell in the past. He would want to him to live his life and do it to the best of his ability. So Cook tries. He really does. He goes to an anger management class willingly. He tries therapy to learn to let go.
He gets a good, steady, and above all legal job.
He makes a few friends. None like Freddie. None could ever be like Freddie. But they're friends none the less, and they bring some smiles and some laughs.
Cook tells himself that he doesn't keep thinking about Freddie every day. He tells himself every morning when he wakes up that Freddie will not enter his mind.
It's a lie. He knows it from the start. He tries though.
He can't help the frequency with which he ends up at Freddie's grave. He goes to talk to him. Even after death, Freddie's still the best listener he knows.
He fills him in on life and love and world events. He thinks that Freddie might know anyway, but he tells him just the same. Sometimes he can almost envision Freddie's response, can almost hear his voice, his laughter, drifting on the wind. It brings tears to his eyes every time.
She's there one day. He's surprised he hasn't seen her there before. She's the only one, he knows, who will truly understand the way he feels, who missed Freddie as much as he does.
He doesn't say anything as he approaches, just comes to stand next to her. There aren't really words to say.
"They say time heals all wounds," Effy comments eventually.
"That's bollocks," Cook replies.
"Agreed," Effy nods softly.
Neither of them takes their eyes from the headstone, tracing the letters in their minds.
"He loved you," Cook says after a bit.
"He loved you too," Effy replies.
It's Cook's turn to nod. He sits down on the cold ground, ignoring that it's a bit damp from the rain yesterday. "Hey, Freds," he says.
Effy flinches beside him and sinks down.
"Effy's here," Cook continues. "We miss you man!"
Effy watches, takes it in. She's never talked to him. If he's out there somewhere, he'll understand her silences. She understands Cook's need to be vocal though, so she listens.
"I got a raise today. Apparently the boss likes my effort. Oh and I saw JJ yesterday. He's still in London. Still doing well. You know him. He was always the smart one." Cook pauses, debates where to go next.
"Katie said that Emily and Naomi are coming back from Goa this weekend," Effy offers up, though she's not entirely sure why.
Cook smiles at her, and Effy finds herself smiling back, even as her eyes water up. She closes her eyes and a tear trickles down her face, burning in contrast to the cool air.
Cook doesn't bother to wipe the tear away. He knows there will be more and some of them will be his. "Hear that Freds? Emily and Naomi are finally coming back to good old Bristol." He chuckles to himself. "It'll be nice having the lesbian powerhouse back, right? I've missed Naomi. Only sent me two bloody postcards all year!"
Effy's smile spreads more genuinely across her face. She's surprised to find a bit of the ache in her chest subsiding. Just a bit, but it's the first relief of any kind she's felt in weeks.
"I've been living life, or trying to. Just like I know you'd want. It's hard, man. But I'm trying. That counts for something right? Therapist says I'm making progress at least. He's a wanker though," Cook grins and winks at Effy.
Effy lets out a small laugh, surprised to find it's genuine.
"Now I think your girl here has spent enough time in this cemetery. Me too, I suppose. I hope you won't mind me cutting this chat short and taking her out for a coffee."
Cook stands and brushes himself off. He brings his hand to his lips and kisses it, then touches it to the headstone. "I love you, man. I fucking love you!"
Cook turns to Effy then, eyes twinkling with unshed tears and he holds out a hand. She takes it and lets him pull her up. She places a kiss on the headstone in the same way that Cook did, and then together they turn and walk away. Cook links his arm through hers.
"He won't mind," Effy says, quite sure of it. Cook's right. Freddie would want them to live, to love, to heal.
"He's a good man, our Freds!" Cook murmurs in agreement.
Another year has come and gone and Effy and Cook sit next to each other at the place they consider their café. Laughter is easier now. Freer. Truer.
Graveside conversations are less frequent, but never neglected.
Emily, Naomi, and Katie are with them today. They're there to celebrate. Katie's gotten a new job. Emily and Naomi have successfully completed their first year of uni with flying colours. Cook and Effy are celebrating their six month dating anniversary. More importantly, it's five friends enjoying life together.
Lives are moving on and that deserves celebration. They've learned to celebrate and treasure the small things along with the big.
Effy smiles at Cook. Freddie's still on her mind, the wound still there under the surface, but it's in a different place these days. His name's not painful to think. She doesn't compare the him and Cook anymore. They're different. She's not settling for Cook. She loves him. He's got her heart, just a different part of it. She knows she's lucky and she kisses him on the cheek without thinking.
Cook turns and grins at her. He knows how she feels. He's stopped worrying that he's simply a second choice to a dead man. He knew it was stupid, but he went to Freddie and asked his permission before he really asked Effy out. He's heading back later today to ask permission for something else.
It turned out that time wasn't his enemy after all. In fact, it's been his biggest friend. Naomi catches his eye across the table and raises an eyebrow. She knows what he's got planned. She helped him pick out the ring. She's informed him that he'll have to return the favour at some point.
Katie makes a dig at Naomi who plays along and makes a dig back and before long the five of them are giggling and teasing each other playfully.
They laugh and love and live.
They never forget.