I wrote this for a wide number of reasons. First, Spencer Hastings is such a broken angel, and it truly breaks my heart how strong she still is trying to be despite everything she went through/is now going through. But she still has wounds; she still has off days and off moments, and she is not bulletproof. I really think her friends need to realize that. WHICH brings me to my next order of reasons why I wrote this: Aria in last week's episode (506) bothered me a lot. How she just volunteered Spencer to go back to Radley like it was nothing had my jaw literally on the floor... Like, she was a patient there? The place doesn't bring up the best of memories? Ugh. The insensitivity of her (and also sometimes the rest of the girls) just really irked me, so I wanted to kind of incorporate that into this and include some sort of a solution to all that. I hope it shows, and doesn't seem to ooc or anything. I tried to make this as realistic as possible.
But anyways, if it isn't too much to ask do you think you can leave some sort of a review? It doesn't have to be long or anything, I just love hearing from you guys :)))
P.S. notice I'm not writing in bold? I thought I'd switch things up a bit, haha :P
Some days it's easy. Spencer can walk in front of the ones that she cares about, dagger in hand, and fight off the crazy number of dragons they each have in their lives and she barely even bats an eye. She can do that for them, while also fighting off her own monsters. And it's okay; she's okay. She stays strong and she doesn't show weakness. She's Spencer Hastings.
But other times, it's just so difficult for her to do that... She can literally feel herself slipping away, the strength and sanity she's desperately been trying to keep up with escaping her body with every breath that she takes. Sometimes it just becomes too much being everybody else's rock, hardly being a person she can depend on to keep her own self safe. She is not made of steel. She in not invincible.
Nobody seems to get that, though. Everybody expects her to lead them, to point them in the direction that they need to go in order to keep themselves sane. But they don't think about the effects it has on her own sanity, her own well being, and that has become more of an issue than anybody even really realizes. It's not as though they mean to do it, but everybody has just become so accustomed to relying on her in the ways they do that they don't even think twice when they go to her for some kind of help or advice.
It's in her nature to lead, so naturally Spencer takes upon the roll of a motherly figure - of a guardian angel in the flesh who holds the weight of everybody else's problems on her shoulders. But now it has become too much. And she just needs to breathe, to catch her breath and catch her tears before she gets to a point of emotional instability that she knows she just can't come back from.
These type of break downs happen frequently; more frequently than people think, at least. She used to work harder to ignore and fight past her bottled up feelings, but circumstances have taught her that that is no way to treat yourself; it just makes everything hurt that much more when the emotions do eventually come out. She needs to let these tears out; for her own good she just has to.
Her phone is in her hand; it's off, because she turned it off in the very beginning stages of her unraveling. Aria had called a while ago while she had been whipping up a sandwich on her kitchen's island, saying something along the lines of I've been thinking about what you were saying earlier, about how I shouldn't forgive Ezra so soon or forget about what he did to us... But the thing is, I don't forget... I just want to move past it, to move on. With him. Is that crazy?
And that had been fine. If Aria wanted to get back together with the guy who'd played her as a fool and pretended he didn't know her or her age when they first met, when he very well did, and then proceeded along to stalk them all in order to write a book... then that was all her choice. She loves him, and she forgives him, and that's okay. But it was what she said next that ultimately pushed her off a ledge.
I mean, you understand, right? What Toby did was way worse than what Ezra did, and you forgave him the same day he tried to make amends...
Um...what? Spencer had to pull the bullshit card out on that one, because that was just straight up not right. Toby did what he did out of love. He did what he thought would be the best way to keep her safe and end her living nightmare, and any lie that he told was to keep up that charade and keep her out of danger. She forgave him because she knew he never meant for it to get as bad as it ended up turning out, and that he was just as broken up about it as she was. Also not to mention that she spent the last few days before getting back with him thinking he was dead.
No. Toby and Ezra were nothing alike. There was no comparing the two situations.
How was what Toby did worse? Spencer had asked, her blood pressure suddenly rising like a speeding jet rushing for flight.
He was a part of the A-Team, Spencer, Aria had replied with a tone of her voice that implied she was trying to be sympathetic but in all honesty almost bothered Spencer more than the actual words she was saying. Yes, Spencer is well aware that he was on the A-team; that is old news. Why is she talking to her like she doesn't already know everything? He was working for the very team that has made our lives a nightmare for the last year/year and a half. Then you ended up in a mental institution... Spencer, it is worse. At least in my opinion it is. So if you can forgive Toby, I think I have the right to forgive Ezra.
But, anyways, I guess the real reason I called is I need you to help me figure out a way to tell him, to help me make this work for us...? What should I do?
She was about ready to lose it. Spencer loves Aria more than almost life itself, that was undeniable, but sometimes the girl's insensitivity and lack of understanding just really pissed her off. Aria, Ezra is not some saint! Toby did some stupid things, I know that, and we've talked about it and moved on. But what he did for me is nothing at all like what Ezra did against you; against us. You can't compare the two of them, it doesn't work like that.
Spencer I - Aria had begun to speak again, but she cut her off.
No, I'm sorry, but I can't help you get back together with him. Not right now at least. I gotta go.
And surely Aria had said something else to counter the things that Spencer had just brought to light, but honestly Spencer was too blinded by her feelings to really listen. So instead she hung up. Her breaths were quickening like a desperate tire pump, and every single vein within her bloodstream was laced with rage and betrayal and whatever else her body was really feeling. Who knew what all exactly that was, to be honest.
She was being irrational, of this she was full aware. It was just the talk against Toby... She wasn't used to it. He didn't deserve it. And to hear one of her best friends in the whole entire world universe say that about him, comparing him to Ezra without even hesitating or feeling the least bit bad about it... It shook her up. Then she had the nerve to go on and ask for relationship advice? After opening that can of worms, of all times?
She just couldn't handle it. She still can't.
So after dramatically hanging up her phone and pausing a moment to kind of just reflect on everything, she angrily held down the power button on her cell and shut the whole damn thing off; she didn't need that reminder. She debated throwing it somewhere, across the room and into the wall probably, but she ultimately decided against it. She looked around and remembered that she was alone, which was of no shock to her in all honesty, so the next thing she knew she was collapsing onto the counter-top and screaming into it as if it were a pillow. Tears were already beginning to make their appearance, and her entire body was trembling; she felt so far gone, so far gone.
On one hand she was pissed at Aria, but on the other she was pissed at herself for reacting in such a melodramatic way over something that was so small. But they were her feelings... and they were relevant, because they were hers; there was no reason to be getting angry at herself for that. She learned that at Radley.
And that's where she stands now. She's in her kitchen and everything is falling apart, except everything is essentially exactly the same as it was before Aria made her phone call. But that doesn't change the fact that she's half on top of her kitchen counter, phone clenched in her hands, manumitting a series of never-ending, horribly deafening sobs throughout the entirety of the house around her. And everything just suddenly feels...wrong. She feels like she can't do it anymore.
With unevenly trembling hands, Spencer finds herself holding her fingers back down onto the power button. She's not sure what possesses her to do it, but her body is on auto pilot so it's not like she has any time to question. When the light is glaring back at her once again, reflecting off her tears like the stars on a musty lake, she lets her eyes adjust before doing anything else on the device.
After a few seconds she dials Toby's number; she knows it by pure memory now. The phone is to her ear and she tries to focus on the ringing of the line, but she knows that it's not going to calm her down. The only thing that will help her is Toby, which she can't help but realize is ironic because before him she'd never really been dependent on another person. Toby is better than any therapy session, any rehab center; he's better than anything that money can buy. He's her rock, her safe place. And she needs him; right now, she needs him.
But he doesn't pick up. So she tries again, and again... but her overblown emotions are only getting worse. Her cries are getting louder and her trembling is more obvious, although she is trying her very best to get a hold of herself. She knows it's okay to let it out sometimes, but enough is enough. This has to stop.
She shuts her phone off again, not so much because she's angry at Toby for not answering (because she's sure he has a good reason; he never misses her calls without a good explanation). She just feels herself spiraling out of control, and she's practically losing her mind over that device. So she tries to just forget. Walking over to and opening up the back door, Spencer leaves the house - again, on auto pilot; she's not exactly sure where she's going.
The world outside is saturated in rain, which just adds to her already gloomy mood and she doesn't believe anymore that this stroll is going to help her by any means. She keeps going, though.
She wanders the neighborhood, reflecting on everything and once again getting angry at herself for reacting in such a way. Aria didn't mean any harm; she just wasn't thinking when she said the things she did. She just wanted some advice, but it all just came out wrong. Spencer of all people should understand good intentions turning out in the worst possible of ways. She's done her fair share of that, and has had many of the people that she cares about in her life. But she's forgiven them all, and honestly she can't imagine a day that she won't; she needs them all in her life somehow, and it is impossible that they ever mean her any harm. And in return, she knows she can trust them to forgive her. Well...usually. She hopes with all her heart that this time it will be the same, that Aria will find it in her somehow to forgive her for getting as angry as she did with her for a reason so utterly minuscule.
She watches the rain hit the pavement, she feels it go through her hair. Everything is pretty bleak out here, but quite frankly things are a whole lot darker inside her head. There are so many thoughts running through that head right now, but there is one that stands out the most: Toby.
God, he's the only person that she wants right now. Her beating heart calls out to him, and she wishes more than anything that he could be here with her. Their walks could always calm her down, even if only for a few moments, and it kills her that he isn't able to be here right now. She thinks about turning her phone back on, but she doesn't for the reason that she would only be asking for a let-down. She doesn't want to get her hopes up and think that maybe, just maybe she has a missed call or an apologetic text or something - from Aria or from Toby, only to find that she does not. Because she doesn't know how much more that she can take.
She finally takes a moment to take in her surroundings. Emily's house is in sight, which means she already passed Toby's debris-mess of a childhood home; this is somewhat of a good thing because just looking at it would be enough to break her heart, and she doesn't want to push her limits. There are cars passing by (not too many but just enough), and for the first second in a while she takes a break from her now silent sobs to close her eyes and just listen to the hissing of the wheels against the rain-laced roads.
She's positive she looks like crap, so the people in the vehicles are probably judging her and whatever, but she can't bring herself to care. She doesn't care much about anything right now. But the sudden sound of a truck slowing down and turning off its engine makes her open her eyes, and snap back into reality; she doesn't know how to explain it but she would know that tan truck anywhere. It just had this unmistakable tone that she had literally heard in no other vehicle. It's one of her favorite sounds in the world.
"Toby," she whispers, mostly to herself. He's getting out now and she almost forgets how to breathe. This doesn't feel real.
"Spencer?" he asks almost as if he'd heard her say his name too. He very well might have. "What are you doing out here?"
He's so close to her now; he's so close that she can almost feel his warmth, smell his cologne. And then he's hugging her, and everything feels so much better than it had before his arrival. This feels so right.
"Oh, Spence... You're freezing. Take this," he says with this worried kind of tone he uses really quite often when it comes to her, and he takes off his jacket and wraps it around her shoulders like the wonderful gentleman he always is. Spencer tries to refuse but ultimately her efforts are in vein; she really is chilly. She murmurs a thank you before going back into his embrace.
There's this sense of silence upon them for a while, one that only Spencer truly needs but Toby respects because he's just so, so worried about the girl inside his arms. Spencer senses this so, after a while, she breaks the quiet with an answer to the question he'd asked when he first got here.
"I don't know, to be honest," she breathes after wiping off the tears from her cheek. "I just... I don't know what I'm doing, Toby."
"Spence, let's go somewhere else... We could even just sit in the truck if that's what you want, but let's get you out of this rain. We can talk in there. Or just sit. Whatever you want," Toby tells her softly. As he's looking at her, Spencer can't help but notice his eyes are so incredibly bright; he's her light within the darkness of her universe, and his eyes are only a reminder of that.
She nods. "Okay."
And he wraps his arm around the length of her back, leading them into the warmth and safety of their truck. Once they're inside and their seat belts are fastened, Toby gives her a look that says do you know what you wanna do yet? Spencer shakes her head, but she also opens her mouth. "I just want to be with you, I don't care where we are."
"Okay," he whispers. "We'll just stay here then."
Spencer smiles slightly; that works for her. They unbuckle their seat belts now, just as quickly as they'd fastened them in the first place.
"So..." Toby prompts, but first opening up his arms for her to crawl back into; they're leaning against the driver's door. "Aria called."
She turns her head from her position inside his embrace and looks at him with confusion. Had she heard him right?
He nods at her as if he had been reading her mind. "She says that she's sorry. I don't really know exactly what went on between the two of you, but she sounded really shaken up. And if I even know you at all... I say that you are too."
Spencer shakes her head, internally cursing herself for being such a terrible friend. She didn't mean for it to escalate like this. "She... she called you? What did she say?"
"Just that she really messed up with you, and she feels terrible for saying some of the things she did to you earlier. She didn't make it seem like there was a fight... Just that there was a misunderstanding or that she said something she shouldn't have or... I don't know. She didn't tell me much. But the point is, that's why I didn't answer your calls before," Toby explains. "She was asking me if I was with you and could maybe talk to you about the whole thing. The conversation went a little longer than expected, which was completely unanticipated considering the amount of times we've actually interacted. Also my phone ended up dying shortly after... But yeah, I'm sorry I didn't pick up; I really should have, and I'm so sorry. How are you holding up?"
She looks at his hands, which are now intertwined with hers in her lap. "I suck," she says to him in response, her voice quiet and vulnerable. "I am honestly the worst friend in the history of friends..." Toby flashes her a look, silently asking her to elaborate for him. "She was asking me for advice on getting back with Ezra, and - "
"Wait, why would she do that? Wasn't he the one who was stalking you for that book he was writing?" he interrupts, before muttering a quick little sorry and his cheeks flush a little bit from his sudden outburst.
"That's the one," Spencer answers dryly. "I don't know, she loves him and wants to be with him and whatever; I can respect that, I just can't get behind it. But anyway, she made this comment about you; comparing you and him, saying you were somehow worse than Ezra... Then she just continued with the conversation as if it were no big deal, like it was the most casual topic in the world to move on from. And that just got me so angry, and I... I lost it." She sniffles. She still doesn't know if she's quite back to normal now or not, to be honest.
"I shouldn't have hung up on her like that," Spencer goes on. "I should have defended you better to her, stated my case and maybe even resolved everything instead of just leaving us in such a shaky place. But I... I was unraveling so fast... Everything was spinning and nothing was okay, all of a sudden. It was like her saying those things was some sort of a trigger to take me back to... that place." She doesn't even have to elaborate. Toby knows exactly what she's referring to. She shakes her head profusely as if attempting to rid her mind of any memories of the infamous spiral during their time apart, when he was 'working' for the A-Team.
"You're okay, Spencer," he whispers in her ear like a melodious lullaby. He rubs her arm soothingly with his free hand, the one that's not interlaced with hers. "You're never going back to that again. Not if I have any say."
"You don't know that," she counters. "I break so easily now. Not around other people so much, but when I'm alone even the slightest thing has the potential to set me off, to send me back to how I was. I'm not as strong as everybody thinks."
Toby kisses her head, then the spot behind her ear, then her jaw. He kisses any place on her body that his lips can reach. Spencer can almost feel his heart breaking. "You don't have to be that strong, not for anybody. You know that, right? It's okay to show weakness."
"I know," Spencer says; and she really does. "But I don't think they know that. They need me to be their rock in all this, and I can't let my friends down."
"Have you told them this?"
She shakes her head. "No, but only because that defeats the whole purpose of trying to be brave for them. I can't tell them."
"But," Toby goes on, "if you never fill them in on how you're feeling, how can you expect them to be cautious not to set you off on certain things? Like Aria, for instance: she didn't think twice about what she was saying, so she just spoke about what I did like it was second nature. Sure, she should have realized that there would still be some wounds there, but I guess she just didn't really think about it; and that caused a problem."
Spencer is silent for a while, letting the entirety of his words fill the space within her head. She never really thought about it like that.
"Maybe you should talk to Aria," Toby continues. "And the rest of the girls for that matter... Maybe it will help them understand you a little bit more, and avoid situations like this."
Spencer sniffles once more, and nods her head in attentive agreement. "You're right. But... Toby, I promise I'll do that later. I'll fix things with Aria, explain myself to the rest of my friends, all of it. But right now, all I want is to be with you. Can we just be here right now?"
Toby smiles the smallest of smiles, and he murmurs a quiet little "of course." Spencer leans back further into his body and nestles into his embrace, letting herself feel a certain type of release that she hasn't felt in quite some time. Her eyes flutter shut, and her heart rate slows back to its normal pace; Toby always did have that ability to ease her broken soul.
She is still a little vexed at herself for reacting in such a way that she did, but she realizes now that it's completely understandable considering... well, everything that's happened. And maybe she can stop these little episodes; maybe it's what Toby said and all she has to do is talk to the girls and explain to her how broken up she is about her past.
But she doesn't have to think about any of that right now. She doesn't have to think about anything right now, to be honest. Because as she listens to the cadence of Toby's heartbeat and allows herself to drift off to sleep, nothing at all matters; she feels a wonderful sensation of peace in this moment, and everything just feels so much better than it had before.
The rest of the world will wait, this much she is sure of; the only question right now is for how long.