Disclaimer: I know this has been done before! I don't care! Could continue this. Not sure though.
HALO 2Parody: Heretic
"There was only one you say?" asked the Prophet of Truth
"I'm not sure. Give me a second" the Arbiter then starts counting with his fingers. "Yes there was only one. They called it the Unanimous Pillar".
"Why was it not burned to atomic level like the other sheds called ships?" screeched Mercy
"We where busy taking their crack and drink. I only followed them because they had more high quality crack"
"When you found HALO, were you blinded by it?" questioned Truth
"Blinded?"
"Molested?"
"?"
"Gay?"
"No!"
"Raped?"
"How about Circumcised?" asked Mercy, reading from a Thesaurus/Dictionary
"NO!" yelled the Arbiter, looking embarrassed.
"Damn!" said Truth
"Why were the Humans able evade your ships, land on the Ring, and desecrate it with their filthy footsteps!" burst out Mercy
"Well, I was still pissed at the time, and I was playing Table Tennis with my second in command" countered the Arbiter. "Noble Hierarchs, surely you understand that once the Parasite started giving weed out and setting up brothels-
Crowd uproars
"There will be order in this council, or there will be no free beer afterwards!" bellowed Mercy. The crowd was silenced immediately.
"You were right to accept the Floods hospitality, but this Demon? This Master Chief?"
"By the time I learned the Demons intent, I was on my break!"
Crowd uproars again. A Jerckalope throws a brick at the Arbiter and misses. The Arbiter threw the brick back at the Jerkalope and knocks it out.
"That's it! No free beer!" yelled Mercy
"Prophet of Truth, make an example of this sex toy! The Counsel demands pleasure! And Tartarsauce needs entertainment!" whispered Regret
"You are one of our favourite sex toys. Long have you lead our fleets with honour and distinction. Plus you have a cute ass. But your inability to protect the giant Hula-Hoop was a colass- colussil- costel…ah shit, you fucked up" explained Truth
"Aye, it was Hosepipe!" said a random Prophet
Everyone looks at him.
"Err… it was Heresy!"
The crowd uproars
"I will continue to steal the Humans crack!" said the Arbiter
"No, you will not!"
"Yes I will
"No, you will not!"
"Yes I will
"No, you will not!"
"Yes I will
"No, you will not!" yelled Truth, signalling Tartarsauce, who was wearing leather.
"The Great 'wipe the entire Galaxy clear of all Sentient because we are very stupid' is about to begin. But you will not get that beach house you wanted… and you will get left behind" said Truth, as the Arbiter was lead away by Tartarsauce. The Arbiter was determined to go on the Great Journey, even if he had to pretend to be the flight steward.
The scene changes to a view of Earth and the Cairo Station.
"The Gel in your suit was leaking out, plus you scratched the paint" explained a disembodied person.
We appear in an armoury. Sergeant Guns is holding MC's optics.
"Optics, totally fried, and let's not even talk about the power supply. Do you now how much this stuff costs?" asked Guns
MC dramatically puts his helmet on
"Tell that to the Covenant... cos' I'm not listening, and I'm broke" explained MC
"I guess it was all obsolete anyway. Your new suits a mark V, just came up from someplace on Earth. We need to test your targeting cursor. Please look at the top light."
MC looks at the ground and folds his arms.
"Come on Chief!" complained Guns
MC continues to stare at the floor.
"There's some crack on the top light" pointed out Guns
"Where!" said MC. MC looks at light
"There we are, now look at the bottom light"
MC closes his eyes and looks at the ceiling
"There's some crack on the bottom light"
"I not falling for that again! I'm not gullible! Or stupid!" said MC
"Alright, there's a beanie baby on the bottom light!"
"Where?" exclaimed MC
"There, that's your cursor set. Releasing the Incabuter… the incibuter…ah shit, the kinky arm thingys that stop you moving and makes you vulnerable to certain people…" said Guns, his voice trailing away darkly, with a dark grin on his face. MC looks at him in shock and disgust.
"Eerrrr, yeah, err please feel free to have a walk around and meet me at the Shield Station thingy" said Guns
MC starts doing a complicated ballet to the Shield Station. Guns claps when the MC finished.
"Please stand in the big red square" asked Guns. MC stands in the squares and Guns flicks a switch and the arm thingy's go round in circles.
"Oooh, reeed!" admired the MC
"Lets test your shield recharge" the arm thingy's destroys MCs shields.
"Mmmm, tingly!" said the MC. Just then Johnson comes in.
"Are you done with my bitch Guns? I don't see any training wheels" he comments
"Oh yeah" said Guns, pressing a button. A door drew back exposing a pink fluffy training wheel.
"Wheeeelie's!" squealed the MC and started to run around in it.
"He's all yours, Johnson, so shut your anal hole"
"Oh sorry" apologised Johnson, closing his ass.
The MC and Johnson entered the elevator and went up the tram thing. They both entered the tram and it moved off.
"When I first shipped out for basic, the MAC Guns were all just Politics…" the MC fell straight into a coma. Johnson ignored him "hell, I'll just carry on talking to no one!"
A few minutes later…
The MC and Johnson step out. Cameras and people looked at the Chief and Johnson.
"Ooooh, shiny!" said one Marine and zoned out
"I thought I told you that there wouldn't be any cameras"
"And I thought you were going to wear something nice"
"Oh sorry" said MC, putting on a bow tie
The pair entered the command area. They were greeted by Hood.
"We have to make this brief, Cortana" said Hood
"Another bug near IO. It reads 'To have a good time, call this number'" said Cortana
"Alright, keep me informed" said Hood
Cortana looked at Chief and Johnson
"You look nice" she commented
"Your in there!" said hood turning back round
We flash to High Charity.
FLASH!
The Arbiter is escorted to Tartarsauce by two Brutes. Some Grunts nearby chant "Dirty sex! Dirty sex! Dirty Sex!"
The Arbiter was subdued by the ring things and Tartarsauce ordered his armour to be taken off.
"Oooh kinky!" said Tartarsauce
FLASH!
We see Hood give Johnson a medal
"Sergeant Major, I give you a random medal for killing lots of Covenant. Plus you have a cute ass!"
"What?"
FLASH!
"There can be no greater heresy. Let him be an example to all Covenant that smokes to much weed!"
FLASH!
"To Miranda Keyes, I give you this medal that was meant for your father, but he's dead now. Damn, he was great at dressing up games!" reminisced Hood, a slight pervertness in his eyes.
"What was that last part?" asked Keyes
"Nothing!"
FLASH!
Tartarsauce burns Arbiter with pointy stick thingy and the Arbiter screams like a girl.
FLASH!
"Slipspace ruptures, fifteen Covenant Capital ships just outside the killzone. We're screwed" stated Cortana
"Ah shit, I mean, Keyes get to your ship, MC defend this station!" ordered Hood
"Yes sir," said MC turning to Johnson "I need a weapon"
"Ha ha sucker!" replied Johnson, pointing at MC.
Disclaimer: that was funny! Even for me. Next chapter will have MC fighting on the Cairo Station! Stay tuned!