Forgive Me James
A/N: I rewrote it so that it was a little longer and had a bit more of an explanation. Please review!
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. That belongs to the wonderful J.K. Rowling.
Summary: Sirius' thoughts as he sits in Azkaban for the last time. Not slash!
Sirius Black looked up at the sky from the lonely cell in Azkaban and sighed. The stars were bright tonight. The one after which he had been named, Sirius, shone brighter than most. Or maybe that was just because he had memorized where it was located at all times. He had once been very interested in his namesake, but not anymore.
Sirius turned back to the newspaper that was spread out on the floor behind him and his eyes grew darker with what he saw. On the page was a picture, a black and white picture of several kids and their parents because they had won a hundred galleons. The family, however, was not what interested him. The item of his attention was a pet rat situated on the shoulder of one of the boys. When his eyes found the rat he sought he spat in disgust. "Peter Pettigrew." He turned back to the sky and remembered someone else. Someone he thought of every day of his life. Or whatever was left of his life. James Potter. Sirius wasn't a religious man, he almost never prayed. His belief was that whatever was needed, he could get it or do it himself but there was this nagging feeling which had been there for thirteen years. Guilt of course. He gathered his courage and began to speak.
"James, I-" He stopped. That wasn't right. He tried again. This meant everything to a man who had nothing left.
"James, today I discovered that Peter Pettigrew is alive, that he escaped from death when I meant to kill him. I want you to know what I intend to do but first, I want to tell you why and offer an explanation.
"Every day since the day you died, I have been plagued by several different feelings. Anger, grief, guilt, sadness. I owe you everything because of what you've done for me. If truth be told, I owe you my life. My soul. You were there for me from the moment we met on the train even though my name was 'Black'. When my family kicked me out, you invited me to stay in your home with your family. For someone who grew up with the coldness and viciousness between family, this showed me what a family would do for each other, how much people loved one another. You saved my life right then and there, gave me something to really fight for.
"I think of how I failed you so many times when I owed you everything. Including when I betrayed your trust, Remus's trust and almost got Snape killed. I was a lousy friend a lot of the time and I'm sorry. But I have much more than that to be sorry for. I failed you and Lily most of all on the day you died. Harry too. I knew something was wrong, that's why I went to check on Peter. Now I wish with all my strength that I had gone to Godric's Hollow first. When I saw Peter's place was deserted and there was no sign of a struggle, I began to panic and I got a sick feeling in my stomach. Things were worse than I thought. I hopped back on my motorcycle but James, my dear brother, I was too late. Part of the house was destroyed and as I ran inside and saw you lying motionless on the floor, I felt like I was dead too. I went to see if Lily may have gotten away but seeing her on the floor, I collapsed. I couldn't believe that Peter would have betrayed you like that. He held you on such a pedestal.
"I couldn't bear to check on Harry, the sight of his body would have killed me just as surely as I am surrounded by dementors. But when I heard his cries, all the breath left my lungs and I moved faster than I have ever moved before. He was alive! Harry had for some unknown reason survived and I knew that I had to take care of him. I had something to live for, something to stop me from hunting Peter down and killing him myself. Then Hagrid arrived and told me that he was on Dumbledore's orders and that he was to deliver Harry to Lily's sister. I remembered what you and Lily told me about her and I argued, I told him that I would take care of Harry but already, my mind was on something else. Or someone else. A certain rat that I would be free to hunt down if Harry was living somewhere else. So you see, I failed you again when I didn't fight to take care of Harry like I had promised you.
"Once Hagrid had left with Harry and I had given him the bike, knowing that I wouldn't need it after what I was about to do, I set off for Peter's once again. From there, I tracked him down. It took me all day but eventually, I found him and I cornered him. I thought I killed him there but I now know I didn't. He cut off his own finger, transformed into a rat and escaped into the sewers. After this happened, I started laughing manically, he was dead! Your death had been avenged! I could breathe again. But it didn't seem right – something was off. I know what it was now, the fact that Peter wasn't dead. In other words, I failed you again. A third time. I didn't avenge your death at all! Everything that I did was for nothing – I – Harry – I –"
Sirius broke down, sobbing frantically. He really was a mad man. Just not in the normal sense – not for Azkaban. He was mad with grief, but a grief that wasn't totally real to him. The dementors were there to make him feel regret for the crime he was in the prison for, but that wasn't what he was really guilty of. He had never killed Peter. He was innocent of that if nothing else. Ironic, wasn't it? He was guilty of everything but what he had been imprisoned for.
Sirius was now speaking in a quiet, broken voice. "I failed Harry too. When I allowed him to be taken to the Dursley's. If I hadn't been taken to Azkaban, perhaps I could have give him a better life. Even for a few hours here and there. Told him all about you and Lily. How much he looks like you. I've seen pictures in the paper. And I regret –. I hate knowing that every day I spend in here for something I didn't do, I could've been out there. With Harry. Teaching him all of our old Marauder tricks. Now I fear that it is too late. He will know me only as a murderer. One who killed thirteen people with a single curse. Your betrayer. And he might as well. Because that's what I am – your betrayer. If not for me, you wouldn't have died. If not for me...
"But you see, that's why I'm telling you this. I won't be innocent for much longer – not for the crime I was imprisoned for. I am going to kill Peter for what he did. For the pain he caused so many people. I'm doing this for you. I'm doing this because I need to know that I did something for you for once. I know that it probably won't be enough, I don't think I could ever do enough for you, but it will at least be something. I know I don't deserve it, but maybe you could do one last thing for me? Forgive me James. For everything.