Jean's P.O.V

After apocalypse things started to return back to normal again. Just a few weeks ago everything went chaotic all of a sudden. As I stop the train of my thought I begin to realise the eerie silence that prevails around me.

Oh yeah…..i almost forgot! Everyone is in a holiday except me , the professor, Ororo and Logan.

That explains the silence! Even Scott is in a holiday with his brother Alex. Oh how I miss him so!

After the battle that we won against apocalypse Alex has been urging him to come to Hawaii. Scott's been also missing the little guy like crazy. So out of my magnanimity and also to safeguard my perfect girlfriend image I let my guy fly off for a much needed rest and family reunion.

Although I miss him terribly my time here at the institute is not that bad. The professor has been keeping me busy with all sorts of things like training in the danger room, personal sessions with him to hone and improve my telepathy so that one day I can control and use the cerebro like he uses.

Of late I am getting inflicted with lots of negative thoughts. Call me crazy but I think its all because of not having all the others around me. Although as much as I'd hate to admit I kinda miss the disastrous danger room sessions, bobby completely turning the floor of his room like the floor of a skating rink, kitty getting bullied by kurt then her giving him a humongous weggie…

As I get up from the couch in my room I head downstairs for some breakfast. Hmmm smells like fresh bacon and eggs! Ororo seems like she is pretty busy with the kitchen today morning. I decide to give her a hand.

"So….you are up early!" Ororo said. As I lift my gaze up at the clock to notice the time I suddenly wonder if her statement was meant to be more of a sarcastic one or an actual compliment. And then it dawned upon me that it had already been 8 in the morning. I kinda twist my neck to face her with more of a sheepish grin rather than a smile. She rolls her eye at me and serves breakfast for everyone.

I finish up my breakfast quickly to join the professor for another danger room session. Lately the sessions have been getting even tougher. When I confronted the professor regarding this matter the reply he gave me was quite disturbing. " Your powers are evolving jean." That's what he told me. Very open and direct.

Then I realised the frequent headaches I have been getting. The visions have been getting all the more realistic that they seem more than just a dream to me. "The psychic blocks that I employ everytime might not be of help to you in the near future". "So I want you to be prepared for the worst case scenario". My visions give the phrase" worst case scenario" a whole different and terrifying perspective. To be quite open and frank I also have the power to destroy the entire human or the mutant race if I lose control of myself.

Oh why is life getting more complicated than it already is? And the thing that scares me the most is Scott's safety. Sometimes I wonder why he fell in love with me. I will only get him into trouble again.

I have already caused him so much physical and mental pain several times when I had lost control of my powers. I have had several heart to heart conversations with him regarding this but all the times he has just one reply to give me and that is" I will always protect you jean. It doesn't matter if I have to sacrifice myself for it." And after that he doesn't want to listen to what I have to say to him and walks off.. The predicament I face with having a caring and loving boyfriend!

Nevertheless I love him like no girlfriend has ever loved her guy. He has always been there for me when I needed him the most. And I don't intend on spoiling his life for the sake of mine. As I leave that train of thought I realise a tear drop escaping my eye and trailing down my cheek. In reality I hate losing to myself. Whatever is within me is eating away a portion of me day by day. I am afraid to lose control again and put all the lives of my loved ones in jeopardy…particularly Scott's. I just wish God would enlighten me with something that might be helpful before it is too late….