Sara sighed.

She could hear her cats in what used to be her room; Mickey was meowing at what she assumed was a squirrel he saw outside. Such a dumbass.

The house seemed different, now. Again, she thought, it was just her. Well, her and her kids of divorce. It was funny how history repeated itself. Sonia was a single mother, and now, Sara was too. Albeit, cats and twin sisters were different, she thought of them her kids.

Sara knew she didn't want to get married again- she fucking knew it. Yet, Stacy had talked her into it; something about Sara not being committed to their relationship enough to settle down with her. Afraid that she would end up alone, Sara married Stacy, even though everything in her body told her not to. Her body told her not to give up the autonomy. Not to be another statistic. Not to do something she knew she didn't believe in. But Stacy had a point, though. She was not committed. How could she? She had loved and was loved at the age of 17. That month was all it took for Sara to not be able to love anyone else.

She sat on the balcony outside of her living room and closed her eyes.

Tegan giggled as soon as she let the smoke out of her lungs, the clear bong sitting between the two of them. Sara waved the smoke that was expelled from her sister's mouth, laughing at a joke she couldn't even remember at this point. She was happy. She was hungry.

Sara couldn't stop laughing; she thought Tegan was so funny. She thought her smart. She thought her beautiful. This was what she'd remember when they were 80 years old, she thought. The way Tegan's smile made her eyes water; the way Tegan's smile made her mouth dry.

Thanksgiving was next week. Stacy had signed divorce papers last week.

Sara was alone. Again.

But she wouldn't let her mind stray to those thoughts; no, she and her sister were in a good place. Tegan had that woman… Sara wouldn't ruin her sister's happiness because she was feeling nostalgic. It took them a decade to forget about it. They didn't talk about the month they spent together as lovers. They didn't talk about how in love they were. Neither twin would bring up that they were devastated, to this day, to not be able to be with each other. They broke up for their career. They didn't talk about how after they broke up, Sara had to move away from Tegan to make herself feel normal and not like the sick bitch she felt she was. She was sick. She was sick to this day.

Sara sat up, sighing once again and shook off those thoughts out of her mind.

Not today. Please, I can't handle it today.

Frowning, she walked to her 'office', where she kept her computer and recording equipment. She ignored her empty bedroom and the glooming silence the house now hosted. One socked foot in front of the other, she reached up into her personal safe that was located on her shelf. A heavy duty black box with a locker-style combination lock- no one knew the code to open it except Sara, herself. With shaky hands, she turned the knob until the door of the safe opened and she reached inside, hands desperate to find what was inside.

There sat the same bong from 20 years ago. Clear glass, about a foot tall; there was residue on the bowl piece from years of usage. That same bong she had purchased with her sister when they first got together; the one she had pretended to forget about. Under the bong sat a photo of the twins when they had their 'affair'. Sara took both items out of the safe and closed it again. She walked back to the guest room, where she was sleeping now, and refused to look at the photo in hand. Not yet, she thought. Not right now.

Opening the windows to the room to let the air flow, she smiled faintly. She would go back to that moment, with her ex-lover's rosy cheeks and contagious laughter. She wouldn't act on it again. She would just remember those precious moments that were saved in her mind, to be remembered always. Even when her riches ran out, when her cats were long gone and her beauty a thing from the past- those moments with Tegan… they would always be with her. Even she wasn't with her.

Sara sat the bong down on the desk, the picture right next to the glass piece. Her hands moved diligently, muscle memory allowing her to open a drawer to her left, letting a faint smell of weed free to take over the room. She reached for her silver grinder, her lighter and the orange pill bottle containing the drug she craved at the moment. Sitting on the chair, she placed a bud of the potent drug into her grinder and started to work, grinding the flower into a dark green, powder-like substance. She turned to the right several times, then to the left, to make sure it was all broken down to the wanted texture. Sara hummed. Almost.

"Come here", Tegan signaled for her sister to come closer. They sat in the carpeted room of their shared 'apartment' in their mother's basement. Sonia was working late tonight, it was just the two of them.

Sara's hazy eyesight saw nothing but her sister's plump lips, wet from licking them over and over again. They were thirsty. She crawled her way to Tegan, straddling her lap with shaky thighs. Sara's long hair created a curtain for them to hide behind as they kissed, hands gripping at each other's shoulders.

Lips biting. Tongues touching. Hips grinding.

"I love you." Sara was so high, that was her mouth could say; that, and moan when Tegan nipped at her earlobe.

"I love you more, Sasa."

As she was loading the weed into the bong, she heard the front door rattle with the keys. There were only two people who had keys to the house other than the owner; one had divorced her last week. The other one...

Oh, no.

"Sara?", she heard the loved, yet dreaded voice of her twin. Why now? She had every other day to come back from vacation and visit her; why did it have to be right this moment? Sara froze her actions, thinking what her next move would be.

When the younger twin didn't answer right away, her sister called out to her again. "Sara, it's Tegan. I tried calling but you didn't answer, are you home?"

Cursing under her breath, Sara replied.

"In the guest room, Tegan."

She continued to load the weed onto the bowl-piece, making sure she put kief in the bowl piece, as well. Go big or go home, she thought. Especially today, when her sister's presence was becoming known to her.

"There you are! Why didn't you- oh", Tegan's tone changed the moment her eyes fell on the bong. It was that bong. Sara looked at her with sharp eyes.

"My phone has been off all day", was all Sara replied to her sister.

"I didn't realize you still smoked." Tegan sounded confused. Her eyes were still on the bong, her mouth dry. She meant to say "I didn't realize you still had that bong 20 years after we bought it together. 20 years after you and I happened. 20 years after and I'm still trying to move on."

"I still do, sometimes, Tegan. Only when the time feels right", Sara's voice was sharp, laced with emotion she was trying to hide. She quickly hopped off the chair and sat on the bed, lighter and the bong in hand, sitting up against the wall. She looked towards her sister fixed stare on the bong and sighed, patting the spot next to her.

Socked feet joined Sara's own.

"What's so special about this time that you want to smoke?", Tegan voice was soft. Sara looked out the window and took her first hit. One. Two. Three… Ten. Breathe. Cough. Finally, I missed you.

"Don't ask me that and take a hit yourself", Sara whispered. She tried to keep her fast beating heart at bay. She felt the drug making its way through her system, numbing her and waking her up all at once. It felt fucking good, she thought. Her body felt lighter, her head heavier. Tegan took the bong and took a large hit herself, coughing almost immediately.

Sara frowned and rubbed her twin's back in a comforting manner. "When was the last time you smoked, Tegan?". After the burning stopped in the older sister's throat, she answered softly.

"20 years ago."

They both cleared their throats and looked away from each other, Sara taking the bong back. Tegan was gripping to it tightly without knowing it. She was gripping to their past.

"How was the vacation? Where did you end up going?", Sara changed the topic quickly and smoothly. She wouldn't let them go there again. She was starting to feel the drug's effect on her body, so she knew that Tegan was, too.

"We went to the Gulf of Mexico. It was okay. You know her, always complaining about something.", her sister replied. She looked disappointed, yet somehow relieved. "I loved every moment of it but she was too hot, too tired, too hungry- always 'too' something to enjoy it. Then she forgot to put on sunscreen and all hell broke loose", Tegan spoke bitterly. "I was just trying to enjoy the first vacation I had available in two years… she made it impossible." Tegan's skin looked tanner, Sara noticed. Tanner and her face had just the right amount of pink to it.

Fucking get it together, Sara.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Tegan", was the only thing her sister said.

"Don't be, it just made me realize that we aren't compatible. I should've realized it a long time ago. It's time to break up", Tegan got up from the bed and looked out the window. Her heart was beating fast, her face felt relaxed and she couldn't stop the faint smile from taking over her face. Everything was so green. Sara was so beautiful. Leaning against the wall adjacent to the window, she looked around the room and her eyes fixed on the desk next to her and what lay on top of it. Her heart dropped.

Sara followed her sister's eyes to the photo she forgot was there.

"Let's take a photo!", Sara suggested. They had just made love. It was fast and hard but that's how Tegan told her sister she needed it then. The youngest of the two laid on top of her twin's body, feeling the chest beneath her lower and rise with her breath. Their skin was hot and the air around them was humid. Tegan's face and upper chest were pink from the feeling her sister had given her, her clit still numb and very thankful. If Sara had told them they were gods and they had powers beyond their belief, she would've believed her.

Tegan pulled Sara to her side and reached onto the bedside table that was the home the disposable camera. Smiling, the younger sister kissed her lover's cheek as she wrapped her arms around Tegan's thin frame. She could feel her lover's smile against her lips; she didn't bother looking at the camera when Tegan said 'cheese'- this is what she wanted. She heard the disposable camera click and hugged Tegan. This was love.

"Please don't look at that", Sara was quick to go on her feet but she was too late- Tegan had picked it up and brought it close to her face. Her grip was tight on the faded photo and Sara was afraid that she would ruin the only remaining artifact from the happiest moments of her life. It was in the safe for a reason.

Tegan swallowed thick, her eyes scanning the picture with laser-like focus. Those same hazel eyes filled to the brim with tears. Tegan was always very emotional, but the drug just added to that. She felt her heart pound against her ribcage, like an angry tiger roaring to be freed from its cage. There was no getting around it this time, no. No denying it ever happened.

"Why do you still have this, Sara?", her voice sounded so hurt. It was laced with tears that were threatening to fall out. Sara couldn't look at her, not right now. Sighing, she sat down again on the bed. Tegan began to tap her foot against the wooden floor, her eyes never leaving her sister.

"Why do you think, Tegan?", Sara's response was venomous, knowing whatever happened today would change things. It was like stepping on ice over a lake; thin, dangerous, but things could be okay.

Tegan gasped as she let the tears fall. Her hands were quick to try to wipe them away, but it was no vail. She was reliving everything- the laughing, the smiling. The hand holding, the kissing. The loving, the falling. The pain, the heartbreak. The yelling, the fighting. It was 20 years ago but she would still cry about it- she would still cry over her sister and how deeply in love she was with her. It didn't seem fair that the universe brought them together in such an unlikely way, to be told they couldn't be together how they were meant to. They were star-crossed lovers in another lifetime, and now they were fucking siblings. How was any of this fair? What was the point of dangling food in front of a hungry dog if they couldn't eat? It was cruel.

Sara picked at the sweater she was wearing. This wasn't supposed to happen. She frowned as she heard her twin cry from across the room.

"I couldn't throw it away… I couldn't throw us away."

This made Tegan stop crying instantly. Now… well, now she just looked downright pissed.

"That's fucking nice of you, considering you were the one who ended it!", Tegan all but yelled at her. Her tears still wet her face, but they were no longer coming out.

Sara should've seen this coming.

"I ended it to save our relationship- to save our career! Why is it that you cannot understand that and get it through your thick skull?", Sara countered. She knew she was pushing buttons now, but she didn't care. Tegan had invaded her home, her heart and now, Sara would yell back if she pleased.

"That is a load of bull and you know. You simply stopped fucking me because you didn't like the fact we were incestuo-"

"Shut the fuck up, Tegan", Sara interrupted her.

"Incestuous! Incestuous. We fucked even though we were sisters. We were incestuous. and you couldn't get the fuck over it and broke my heart, moved away and have made me miserable the last two decades! And I come over and pretend that everything is fine to find you with this photo? How am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to think?!", the more Tegan spoke, the louder she got. She was pacing around the room now, arms wailing wildly at her sides as if trying to prove a point. Her face was red and her body was numb. Maybe that is why she was saying all of these things; the drug encouraged her to do so. She didn't even realize she was moving all around the room until she heard Sara's voice and had to turn around to look for the owner of that voice- that voice that haunted her dreams at night. The voice she had made a career with and that voice she adored and despised all at once.

"It was one thing to be 17, living in mom's basement without a clue of how our life would be turn out. We are successful, we are 37 years old and I have my own house. This is different from before.", Sara tried to keep her voice calm though her body was on fire. This was happening.

"According to your logic, then, we would have no issue if we got back together, then. We aren't 17, we don't live in mom's house and we have a solid career. So what is stopping you?", Tegan cried at her sister. She stood at Sara's feet, her eyes not knowing which one of Sara's to look at. "I am right here, Sara. I'm right here and I do not love you any less from that day it all ended. I am here, 20 years have passed, and I still love you. Why can't you see that?"

Sara broke the eye contact. She knew why she hadn't done anything about her feelings towards her sister and her stubborn heart would rather be miserable and have dignity than being in a happy relationship with her sister. Her hands made fists, knuckles turning white. She had written songs about this… she wouldn't publish any of them. She had written poems about this love that consumed her to her very core- about this love that she had denied herself. She had dragged Emily and Stacy and every other girl in between to this dysfunctional fuck fest that was her heart and she tore them down until they were nothing but a bag of human bones. She was doing the same to Tegan, now, too.

"Our career…", Sara whispered.

"I love you.", Tegan cut her off. It was loud and it made her feel alive.

"We are sisters."

"I love you, still." Tegan stepped closer.

"It is illegal."

"I would go to jail if it meant I got to be with you." Tegan crawled over her sister's legs, now. Closer to Sara's face.

Sara finally cried. "Why? Why are you doing this to me right now? Why can't we pretend we are normal?". Her hands shook and her sister's identical hands took them into her own. She rubbed them, trying to give them the warmth they lacked due to improper circulation. She straddled Sara this time, her heart on her sleeve. Her black jeans contrasted against her sister's white pants. She licked her dry lips and looked at Sara's teary eyes.

We are just the same.

"You know why, Sasa".

Sara rested the back of her head against the wall. I give up. She looked at her sister; she looked at her twin, at her friend, at her companion, business partner. She looked at her lover. The tears stopped, faces wet and flushed. Sara looked at the scar below Tegan's lip from the piercing she used to admire from a distance. Tegan got the piercing the day Sara moved away from her and left her to deal with the heartbreak she had caused.

Tegan reached for the bong that sat beside Sara and lit up the remainder of the weed left in the bowl piece, the thick, cloudy white smoke making its way up the glass tube and into her lungs. Sara was mesmerized with the way her sister's lips inhaled the smoke she desperately wanted for herself. She held her breath and put the bong aside.

Not yet letting go of the smoke, Tegan leaned into Sara's frame, her heart dead from the over excessive beating it had done. She swallowed the urge to cough and cupped Sara's flushed face between her hands. She leaned in until there was nothing but two inches between their mouths. Her thumb pried her sister's dry lips to slightly open her mouth. She let go of the smoke and Sara inhaled it as if it would give her life- as if that would make the rest of the world disappear and it would just be the two of them, together.

The moment Sara breathed again, Tegan kissed her. It was a kiss that the two of them waited too long for. They somehow knew it would happen again and they held on to that ounce of hope that maybe, someday, they wouldn't be so scared. Sara pulled Tegan closer to her by her shoulders, her cold hands entangling themselves in Tegan's shiny, soft hair. She missed it. Their lips were so soft, giving each other the moisture they so desired- tongues shy and yet, demanding. Tegan cried again, finally feeling this feeling she had been missing for over two decades. She kissed her sister and she wouldn't let her go again. She loved her. And her sister loved her back. She kissed Sara until she could no longer breathe and even then, she held on for as long as she could as if a moment's depravity would kill her.

Catching their breath, Tegan rested her forehead against Sara's. Their faces were red and their chest was trying to catch up with the lack of oxygen. Sara played with the corner of Tegan's jacket, gripping on to her.

"You know why, Sara."