"Vanessa?" Dean asked, his voice muffled through the door.
You panicked; he wasn't supposed to be back. Dean and Sam had gone out at 6 to grab dinner and then interview the victim's family which was at least a 20 minute drive each way, you thought you'd have at least 2 hours to yourself.
You looked over and checked the clock – 8:47pm – shit.
"Uh, yeah! I just got out of the shower I'll be out in a few!" You said, trying to hide the panic in your voice. How had almost 3 hours passed?
"What? You were getting in the shower when me and Sammy left and that was like 3 hours ago!" Dean yelled back at you so you could hear him clearly.
"Heh…yeah I got sidetracked, I'll be out in a minute." You said, slowly applying toilet paper to your arms and stomach and thighs. You had really lost control this time. It had been 3 months since the last time you cut and you had been doing so well but after the past week you just couldn't take it anymore, you snapped.
Because it had been so long and you had gone so crazy with it you were feeling seriously light headed. Your arm was also tingling and your stomach had a pulse but that always happened.
"Vanessa I need to empty the tank, hurry the hell up!" Dean shouted, banging his fist on the door once making you jump and drop the knife you had in your hand.
You finally had everything hidden away, you would put it back in your bag when they left again or went to bed. Just as you were about to throw on your long sleeve pajama top and sweat pants you heard a click come from the door and turned to it.
You had heard the term deer in headlights before and always thought it was stupid because you lived in the face of danger and never froze up, you always acted fast, but now, staring into Dean's eyes, you finally understood the feeling.
You couldn't move a muscle and felt tears welling up in your eyes. You were completely exposed, still in your bra and underwear, the angry red marks covering your stomach and thighs standing out against your pale body.
You heard Dean try to say something but he choked on his words and ending up swallowing his thoughts. When he finally did look up at you there were tears in his eyes as well.
You finally seemed to snap out of it after seeing your pain reflected in his eyes and quickly turned around so he wouldn't see anymore and went to grab your clothes. You immediately felt his hand grab your arm and turn you around. You flinched at the contact, his grip rubbing against the fresh cuts on your arm. When Dean noticed the look of pain on your face he immediately let go, looking at down.
You saw his eyes widen when he saw the cuts on your arm as well. He hadn't noticed them before.
You tried to hold your arm to cover up your stomach so that it wasn't all so out in the open. You had no idea how Dean was going to react. Sure he knew about your depression, but he thought you were getting better. You thought so too up until this week. But you guys had been so busy hunting that you didn't want to worry Dean by talking to him about your thoughts and nightmares and worries like you usually did so you kept it bottled up instead.
He knew about your depression, but he never knew that you had ever cut yourself. At the time the only thought running through your mind was that you deserved the pain, you needed that release, to feel the self inflicted physical pain instead of the emotional pain you had no control over. But now the only thought running through your mind was how badly Dean was hurting because you had fucked up yet again. Of course he was going to blame himself for this, even though it was no one's fault but your own.
Dean suddenly turning around and walking out of the bathroom pulled you out of your thoughts. That made sense; he was probably disgusted by what he'd just seen. The first time you cut you were disgusted by it too.
But not 5 seconds later he was back carrying one of his oversized hoodies and carefully pulled it down over your head not even giving you the chance to react.
Next thing you knew he was gently pulling you into his chest, holding you tightly but gently while you started sobbing.
Eventually he just picked you up and brought you over to your bed, sitting down with you and letting you lean against him while he ran his fingers through your hair.
"Why? Why baby, why did you do that?" He asked, having trouble getting his voice above a whisper without it cracking. You knew that if you were to look up right now his eyes would be red and his cheeks tear stained, just like yours.
"I just – it all got to be too much, I couldn't handle it, I didn't know what else to do." You admitted, keeping your head on his chest so you wouldn't have to see his reaction.
"You come to me then, you know you can always come to me with anything Vanessa." He said, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.
You finally looked up and started crying all over again, pulling him into a death grip of a hug.
"I know Dean, I wasn't thinking straight, I know I should have gone to you but we were so busy and I didn't want to make things more difficult than they already were so I just -" He cut you off, taking your head in both his hands so you were looking at him dead on.
"Nothing, nothing is more important to me than you, and I need you to remember that. I don't care if I had the key to the gates of Hell in my hand and I only had 30 seconds to close them. If you have a problem, or a doubt or hell just a thought that you feel you can't handle on your own, you come to me, and you talk to me so I can help you. I can't help you if I don't know." He said, aggressively wiping his tears away while you nodded your head, feeling like a complete idiot and just hating yourself.
"I can't believe I didn't pick up on it though, I noticed you were distant but I was so wrapped up in the damn case I didn't give it as much thought as I should have." He started blaming himself like you knew he would and you refused to let that happen.
"No, no Dean don't you dare blame yourself, this was all me, no one else, just me. I should have come to you. You know me better than I know myself but you're not a damn mind reader and I was trying my best to act normal so that you wouldn't be suspicious. I didn't want to worry you and I was stupid and I'm sorry but please, please don't blame yourself, I won't be able to take it if you do." You said, finally being able to stop crying and maintain eye contact for more than 5 seconds without breaking down.
"Okay, okay I'll stop but, can I, this was the first time right?" He asked, sounding very nervous…when he looked at you he knew that his fears were confirmed.
"I haven't in 3 months, I was doing so well, I'm so sorry Dean." You whispered, grabbing his hand in both of yours and just holding it in between the two of you, staring at his knuckles.
"It's okay baby, don't apologize, you'll do better this time. I know now so I'll help you, no more secrets alright? We'll get through this together, just like we do with everything else okay?" He said, kissing your forehead and brushing your hair off your face.
You gave him a small smile and then gave him another hug before getting up and going into the bathroom to change. He followed you, bringing the medical kit with him while you grabbed your clothes and brought them back to the room.
You sat on the edge of the bed while he cleaned your cuts with an alcohol swab, squeezing his shoulder the entire time due to the pain. You would think that after hunting for your entire life you'd have a high pain tolerance but apparently not. When Dean was done you threw on your sweats but kept his sweater on, liking how soft and warm it was.
"I think that's enough excitement for one day don't you?" Dean asked, hopping in bed and patting the spot next to him.
You let out a soft chuckle before joining him in bed, curling up against his side and resting your head on his chest while he wrapped a protective arm around you.
"I'm thinking a Disney movie yeah?" He asked, sending you a wink. You loved that you were the only one who got to see this light-hearted side of him. The side that only came out when he was taking care of you.
"I think there's a reason why you're my favourite brother." You nudged his side while he let out a laugh and you just smiled. As long as you had Dean by your side you could get through anything, you just had to remember that.