3/18/09
Dear Journal,
I glance once more at his face. His gorgeous features, so like mine, yet so much more beautiful and sweet. So handsome and mature, compared to my plain and boring looks. I smile at him and try to hide my emotions from him. It's simple really. I just have to fool him, and everything'll be fine. He won't be able to tell that I'm hurting.
Because of him. And he will never know that. I fear that it would hurt him to much to know that I am a sick human being and that I deserve this.
I deserve this punishment. To be alone forever, away from him. He would only leave me anyways, so I don't think that it'll matter. No it won't. It doesn't.
I never will matter.
I will never matter.
And I have accepted that fact. So I'll sit, alone again, waiting for him to return. Return to me, like we used to be. But that isn't going to happen. I know. He'll never come back to me. And it's not a surprise.
So I stay, silent, hoping for him to return. But he never does, and for the first time in a long time, I realized that I would be alone forever. And I cried.
Rin
3/19/09
Dear Journal,
It hurts. It hurts so much that I can't have him. He always leaves me, walking off wih his pals who he has so much fun with. And I wish that he would just come and take me with him, just once.
But he leaves me here. And I weep, begging for an answer of,
What did I do wrong?
But I never do get an answer to it. I just stay and have to feel the loneliness overflow my heart, and I beat against the walls and that glass, wanting to break it, but it never would break.
So I sit again.
And I wait. But that doesn't lead me anywhere, which isn't a surprise. It never did, so I don't really know what I was looking for.
Nothing I suppose. Nothing.
I am. Nothing.
That's what it seems whenever I am left alone.
And I will stare out the window,a nd I will wait once again for him to show himself, and talk to me again.
Don't leave me here, alone.
I Miss you. I miss You. And it hurts.
It hurts deep in my chest, to my heart.
Please, make it stop.
Rin
3/20/09
Dear Journal,
Today I cried again. The normal crying.
But today, I heard something. I heard him say my name, and my heart stopped. I looked over to him, and he had his eyes fixated on the wall, trying to concentrate on something. He was holding his crossed arms, and began to cry.
A few tears fell from hims eyes, his beautiful, pure eyes.
And so I embraced him. I told him that it was okay, and that if he needed me, that I was there.
And he somehow felt me. He turned and looked at me, his eyes slightly clouded with sadness and loneliness. And I held him tighter, wishing that he could understand how much I wanted him happy.
He turned to me and cried harder. Through his weeping, I could hear him say that he was sorry.
That he wished there was something he could do, but he knew that he couldn't.
And I knew that. So I told him to go and see his friends.
He has them so that he can be happy.
And he nodded at the air, leaving me once again.
And I cried. Because no matter what, I still wished that I could have him.
The only way that he would be happy, though, is to be out with his friends, and I knew that.
So I let him go, even if it broke my heart more.
Rin
3/29/09
Dear Journal,
I am sorry that I haven't written in you for a while. I have been very busy. I have been working on something for him. Something for him to make him happy. That I know would have me written all over it, and then he would know that I miss him so much.
He's been away, so I have been so into making him a present.
Do you want to know what it is? I know you do.
It's a giant banana with a headset on it, and cute eyes and a smile. It even sings his favorite song that we used to sing together.
Kokoro.
He said it was his favorite song, but I don't know anymore, because I never get to see him to much anymore. But he used to sing it to me and with me all the time. And I would always smile and say that he was a beautiful singer and that I wish that he could come and dance with me while we sang together.
He said he wished too, but that was about a year ago.
And now he was off with other people. With his friends.
And I missed him.
But this will definatly get him to come back to me.
Even if for alittle while.
Because I miss him.
Because I love him.
Rin
4/2/09
Dear Journal,
He finally came back today. He didn't tell me where he was, nor where he went, which I guess is the same thing, but he still didn't do it.
And that made me sad, but I suppose that I don't need to know where he had been. It really wasn't any of my business. So I didn't really ask, I just waited for him to notice me, over in the corner where I always was.
And he did. He always noticed me, but he usually didn't say much. Just kind of looked at me, and waited to see if I would do anything. And that's what I did. Just waited.
But today, he walked over to me, and hugged me. He said that he missed me.
And I smiled. I was missed by him, and that made my heart soar. So I told him that I missed him too, and he smiled back at me.
He said he was sorry for leaving for so long. He was trying to figure out something.
He said he was sorry that he was never there anymore, but I shook it off, telling him that is was okay.
That I was okay.
And he smiled again.
I turned and showed what I made for him, and he stopped, looking in awe at me. He asked me if I made it, and I nodded, and began playing the song for him.
He began crying and he fell to the floor. I didn't know what to do, so I waited to see if he would call down.
I asked if he was okay, and he told me he was just so happy to know that I would make him something like that.
And I smiled once again at him.
Then, he had to leave. And again, I cried.
The loneliness entering my soul.
Rin
4/3/09
Dear Journal,
I have been sitting up all day. And I have been waiting and drowning in my own thoughts, wishing that I could just stop having them.
But of course I didn't. I wish you knew how I felt, but you don't. You're just some paper. And you can't help anyways.
No one can.
So I stayed all day, with my thoughts of him again.
Golden locks, blue eyes, dazzling smile, that only I could see.
But it didn't help me one bit, because it only made me feel lonelier. And I didn't like that, so I just turned around and sat there, waiting.
But he didn't show up tonight.
And it's late, yet he still isn't home.
I remember when he used to always come to me when he was happy or angry or sad. Or anything really. But that was then and this is now.
Rin
4/28/09
Journal,
I have lost myself these last few weeks. I have been losing myself for a long time. Ever since he stopped sitting and talking with me.
Ever since he left me all alone, to sit and wait, tears in my eyes and hoping that he would come back. But he doesn't fully, and I knew he never would fully, but...
Why would he do this to me?
Why would he make me cry like this, and hurt like this?
Why...
...would he leave his imaginary friend alone forever?
Rin