Here's the deal. I need sex. I've needed to have sex since I lost my virginity and the age of thirteen. Now I've heard plenty of people say; "Mello, you're a he-slut." And they're right, no one has walked away uninjured when they said it to my face but that doesn't stop them from being right. See I'm one of those people who needs sex like people need to eat.
Now I know you all think I screw Matt on a daily basis and that's not a lie either. So go on yaoi fandom and have your moment…. Done now? No? Well too bad, sit the fuck down and do as your told.
It's true that Matt and I have sexual relations, phenomenal angry sex could be another way to put it, either way it's still hot action. BUT, and this is the thing, we are not gay. Don't you fucking role your eyes at me or I'll dig them out with a fork. No, seriously, we're bisexual. I got nothing against Matt nailing whatever piece of ass he comes across and he feels the same about me. But I'll be stuffed if I ever figure out where that little game obsessed freak even meets women. I'm out there on the streets, I see ass before I see the sun rise. Matt hardly ever leaves the house so I think he pays for it. Yeah, that's it, he pays for it. Sad.
The thing I want to tell you all right now is that Matt is the only guy I fuck. You know, you yaoi fans really gotta calm the fuck down. Anyway, it's true. Well have you had a good look at the men I hang around? I'm in the Mafia. They're all fat, hairy, stupid and just… ew!
You know what, that is such a disgusting subject that I'm going to move on.
I am not chocolate obsessed. Got it? You trying to tell me you don't enjoy a good bar of chocolate? There's only one freak that I know who doesn't like chocolate and I sleep with him.
That reminds me, why the hell do people write fanfictions that include Matt being covered in chocolate sauce? That's gross. Why would people do that? Think about it, you're laying there with choc sauce one end of you to the other, no matter how hard you try you cant lick all of it off, so you end up covered in spit and sauce, 99.99% of the time it leads to sex (use your imagination for the last 0.1%) so that means by the time your breathing returns to normal your covered in chocolate sauce, spit, sweat and semen. That sound good to you? It's almost as bad as edible underwear. Seriously, undies made of candy. That shit would get sticky and you ass would be chewed off by ants. Try and get me into something like that and you'll be gone faster than a fart in a fan factory.
Speaking of wearing stuff, if someone asks me how I get into my leather pants just one more time I will not be responsible for the amount of pain and misery that will befall you. I get into these pants like any other human being get into their cloths, and you might want to put some cushions around you in case you fall over in amazement coz I'm going to tell you the secret. Are you ready?… to bad, you are now. This is how the magic happens.
One leg goes into the pants… the second leg does the same… pants get pulled up to my hips… and finally the laces are done up.
Now go back and read that over and over until you understand the fine art of putting on leather pants.
There is one other thing that annoys the hell out of me and when I find the little basted who stared it I'm going to kneecap him and the rest of his family.
NearXMello pairings.
…WTF? Where do you people come up with that shit? I'd rather swallow a Molotov Cocktail than be with that unemotional albino basted!
Well I'd love to keep going and educate all you simple minded freaks all the possible ways how Me = The Best, but Matt just got home and he's a far more entertaining task then you'll ever be. Yeah that's right, go cry Emo kid.
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