Disclaimer: Characters and concepts from "Tenchi Muyo!" were created by Kajishima Masaki and Hitoshi Okuda, and are Copyright AIC, Pioneer LDC, and Viz. This work is a parody and not to be used for any commercial purposes.
Foreword: This story is based on the "Tenchi Muyo!" manga, especially "The Quest For More Money".
Must Drink Brandy
The regulars knew immediately that the young man had never been in a bar before. For one thing, he paused just inside the door, looking around him, but evidently did not recognize any of the ales and stronger liquors on offer. Still, he was tall and the scar on his jaw gave a hint of his being able to take care of himself in a fight. The general decision was not to bother him even before the bartender spoke.
"That thing you're carrying." The bartender nodded to the long black staff in the newcomer's hand. "Is it a weapon?"
"Yes it is, sir." The newcomer's voice was polite, but not overly deferential.
"I'll need to lock it up with the blasters." The barman unlocked a rugged-looking metal cabinet behind the bar. "Management wants as many customers kept alive as possible."
"It's not easily replaced." The newcomer looked uneasy. "Will it be safe there?"
"Haven't lost a weapon yet." The barman stated.
"That's 'cause the rule is you don't have to pay the bar tab until you get it back," announced one of the customers.
The barman gave him a dirty look, but as he as opening his mouth, the newcomer interrupted. "Sounds fair," he said, touched the staff on the spot which activated the safety catch, and handed it over. The barman opened the cabinet, giving a quick glimpse of a widely varied collection of blasters, energy-swords, and what looked like a buzz-saw on a rod. The newcomer's staff was carefully but efficiently stowed next to this last item, and the cabinet door closed and locked again.
"Now," the barman's mood had improved a bit, "what can I get you?"
"I'll have what the lady in the second booth from the rear is having," said the newcomer. "In fact, make it two. I'll bring her a refill."
At this, several customers raised their heads. The barman's face turned a shade darker again. "That's Seniwan five-star brandy at thirty Simoleons a glass."
"I can cover it." The newcomer's voice was confident.
"And she doesn't seem to want company," added the barman. Two or three customers nodded their heads.
"I'm an old friend." The newcomer was still unperturbed.
More than one skeptical look went in the newcomer's direction. But the barman shrugged and filled two glasses from one of the more elegant bottles in the establishment. "Your funeral."
The newcomer took the two glasses and set off towards the rear of the bar. Oddly, the further to the back he went, the more he seemed to know exactly where he was going. He stopped at the second booth from the back.
Its occupant, a cyan-haired woman, heard his arrival but didn't look up. "I'm drinking alone." She said in a flat voice.
"You're not drinking at all just now, Ryoko." He gave a nod to the empty glass in front of her, and set down one of the full ones he carried.
"Ibara." The tone of her voice was unchanged. She paused for several moments, her face impassive. But Ibara knew the balance was slowly tipping. Finally she reached out and took the new glass. "I have to admit, I wasn't expecting you."
Ibara put the second glass on the other side of the table, and sat down. "I admit this is an unusual place for me. But I had to find you."
"So you can take Tenchi's place?" Ryoko asked, her tone indicating she didn't think it likely.
"It would be foolish of me to deny it, wouldn't it?" Ibara said levelly. "But that isn't the only reason. I wanted to know why Prince Tenchi didn't choose you. To me, it seems so clear that you're head and shoulders above the others."
Ryoko gave a brief smile at that, but it was quickly replaced by a grimmer expression. "My own damn fault." She took a long drink from the new glass, and then set it down just hard enough not to spill any. "I just had to pull that one last stunt . . ."
Ibara waited patiently. It was clearly something Ryoko didn't want to talk about, but she realized she couldn't stop there. "Okay, Washu was putting Ayeka through a virtual reality session. Ayeka was trying to get me to be more 'ladylike', whatever the hell that is, and Washu figured that wouldn't be nearly as good in practice as it sounded. She was right, as usual; Ayeka couldn't handle the polite version of me in VR and was convinced either she or me was going bonkers. And at that point I came into the lab. Well, there in front of me was this great new gadget, and Washu wasn't going to let me near it--"
"So how did you incapacitate her?" Ibara inquired.
"I force-fed her a drink that zapped her nervous system." Ryoko answered. "After all, Washu wasn't having nearly as much fun with it as I could. I put Ayeka through the wringer. I made the VR versions of everybody act strange--I mean, strange even by Masaki standards. It was a riot to watch on the monitor." She smiled again, and this time it lasted longer. "And man, did Tenchi look hot in Toreador pants."
"Toreador pants . . .?" Ibara's face showed his confusion.
"Well, I made him . . ." Ryoko shook her head "Never mind--too many details. Just after that Washu recovered from the spiked drink, and I hastily got out of there. Washu must have brought Ayeka out of the VR session, because a couple of minutes later they stepped out of her lab, chatting away. And would you believe Ayeka was actually glad when I started a little rough-housing?
"And then I had to try one more thing. I phased into the outfit and hairstyle of the VR program, and was suddenly sweet to Ayeka. She freaked, and actually started banging her head against the wall, trying to wake herself up. I'd forgotten that by that time, Tenchi was standing in the doorway. Of course it went to hell after that. Ayeka threw herself at him, and while I was distracted--"
"Trying to pry her off him?" suggested Ibara.
"Yeah. Washu got that damn super-tape around me. Then she and Ayeka were only too happy to tell him their side of the story while I couldn't give him mine. To really seal the deal, Sasami came by, and when she heard how the VR version of her was mean to Ayeka, she started crying with those big pink eyes of hers . . ." Ryoko closed her own eyes for a moment.
"So then Ayeka asked Tenchi if they could plant some more of those Japanese radishes together, and of course he said yes, and off they went. I was trying to scream inside the tape for them not to go, but meanwhile Washu was saying she wanted to take me back into the lab and try her VR machine on me. She had to pick that moment to go brain-dead. How could she not see what a lousy idea it was to have Tenchi be alone with Ayeka right then? Anyway, Sasami said the VR would be a little too mean, and Washu said she wouldn't say that if she'd been force-fed a spiked drink, and at that point Mihoshi showed up and asked what was this about something new to drink?
"So it took some time to fill her in, with me struggling like worm on a hot sidewalk all the time. Then Washu and Sasami started talking punishments again, with Washu wanting to hook me up and have me power her lab for a day. Sasami said no, I should be sent to bed without supper, and both Washu and Mihoshi exclaimed that was even worse, since Sasami was making supper.
"Then it was Mihoshi's turn to suggest something, and she brought out her list of Galactic Ordinances, with the appendix for Juraian territory. I could have screamed -- well, actually, I couldn't, that was the problem -- because I guessed what was happening in the meantime. Anyway, Mihoshi was prattling about Assault with a Toxic Substance and Infliction of Mental Distress, and Sasami was saying they couldn't send sister-Ryoko to prison; I hadn't really meant to hurt anybody. Washu folded her arms and said getting one's nervous system shorted out hurts plenty.
"And so Washu and Mihoshi hoisted me on their shoulders like a side of beef and started marching out to Mihoshi's shuttle. Sasami was yelling and trying to hold them back, and not having much luck. Until Ryo-Ohki came running to see what the commotion was, and Mihoshi tripped over her, and the next moment all three girls were in a pile, and I was on the patio deck, and Ryo-Ohki was trying to keep her balance on top of me. Which, of course, inadvertently log-rolled us all the way off the end of the dock and into the lake.
"So my head turns out to be heavier than my feet. My head tilted down and my legs went up, and I slid under the surface like a torpedoed freighter. Meanwhile Ryo-Ohki is splashing around and Sasami is yelling for somebody to rescue her. They got a pole and extended it to Ryo-Ohki, she grabbed onto it, and they pulled her out. Then of course they had to do the same for Mihoshi, who'd fallen into the drink during Ryo-Ohki's rescue. Meanwhile I'm on the bottom. It's a good thing I can survive underwater.
"After a while Washu sent down a grappling hook and hoisted me back up onto the dock. And right when Sasami was suggesting that Washu take the damn tape off, Tenchi and Ayeka came back from the fields. Tenchi was holding her hand. Just holding, but you could tell he had reached for her hand rather than she reaching for his. And suddenly we all knew. Mihoshi, Sasami, Washu, and even Ryo-Ohki dashed off to have a good cry. Then it was Tenchi and Ayeka who ended up unwrapping me, with Ayeka doing her noble princess act."
"And you couldn't pick a fight with someone doing you a favor." Ibara said understandingly.
"Not with Tenchi there." Ryoko shook her head. "I took Ryo-Ohki and left that night. It's a pity we ducked out on Sasami, but there would have been too much embarrassment with all the good-byes. Not my style. I'm sure Washu figured out and explained it to everyone. And speaking of Washu, at least I'm finally out of the range of that blasted link." She took another drink from her glass.
"I see." Ibara said quietly.
"So," Ryoko looked at him steadily "What have you got to cheer me up?"
"What I brought you is about as good as I can manage." Ibara admitted.
"Well, it's better than a bunch of dead flowers." Ryoko looked thoughtful. "By the way, how did you find me?"
"No need to worry about the word being out just yet." Ibara replied. "It was a last vision from the nameless tree."
"Your tree is dead?" Ryoko's eyes widened. "I'm sorry to hear that. When?"
"Just after your group left." Ibara said. "But it was never really my tree."
"You were more than just a guardian."
"I like to think so." Ibara nodded. "Thanks to the tree, it wasn't as lonely a duty as it could have been."
"You know, it's funny." Ryoko said with a faraway look. "Both Ayeka and I had someone fall in love with us before we met Tenchi. But it was Ayeka who got the nut-case, while I got . . . well . . ."
"A half-way decent guy?" Ibara suggested with a smile.
"Yeah."
"So in that competition, " Ibara continued the point, "you won."
"Hmm. I like that way of thinking about it." Ryoko waved her finger. "But don't think that's enough to take Tenchi's place."
"Well, what are you planning to do now?" Ibara asked. "You've got way too long a life-span to spend the rest of it in this bar."
"Now that you mention it, I've got way too little money for it either." Ryoko confessed. "Have you got a better idea?"
"I might." Ibara replied. "You made a number of enemies during your career as a space pirate. Some of them will let things slide, now that the statute of limitations has run out. But the crime bosses whose artifacts you stole, and the pirates whose turf you went into, aren't going to care about niceties of the law."
"That's a point." Ryoko looked grim. "And the word's going to get out that I'm back in space."
"So my thought is to go after them first." Ibara said. "At least, the ones with rewards offered for them."
"Become a bounty hunter?" Ryoko looked incredulous.
"A quiet life isn't your style." Ibara pointed out.
"I managed it when I was living in the Masaki house." Ryoko countered.
"With Ayeka, and Washu, and Mihoshi there, how quiet was it?" Ibara riposted.
"There was the occasional excitement, I'll grant you that." Ryoko rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. "Okay, but it takes a bit of money to set up a bounty hunting gig. There's licenses in various jurisdictions, and a fair amount of equipment to buy. Most of what I've got is too lethal. And information often costs a lot, too."
"I believe I can help with that. I was drawing a salary during those years I was guarding the nameless tree."
"Are you telling me," Ryoko inquired, "That you've collected on eight hundred years of back pay?"
"Plus interest from my clan investing it for me."
"Then you've got to have enough to live comfortably for a long time." Ryoko concluded. "Why go into a dangerous line of work like bounty hunting?"
"I am a warrior at heart, after all." Ibara answered. "As you are."
"And you're hoping the partnership will become a romance." Ryoko stated.
"As you said, have got a better idea?" Ibara met her gaze squarely.
There was a pause of several heartbeats. Then Ryoko gave a wry smile. "Nope. guess not." She raised her glass of brandy. "To a promising partnership."
"A promising partnership." Ibara raised his previously untouched glass, clinked it against Ryoko's, and they both drank.
Less than a second later, his eyes widened and his face flushed an interesting shade of red. He set the glass down hastily. "Holy Tsunami -- what is this stuff??" He demanded in a voice turned hoarse.
Ryoko suppressed a giggle. "Seniwan five-star brandy. I take it there wasn't much in the way of booze while you were guarding the nameless tree?"
"Now that you mention it, no." Ibara shook his head. "Do I still have lips? It felt like they were being burned off."
Ryoko's giggle turned into a full-bodied laugh. "We'll have to do something about this. If you're going to be with me, you've got to be able to drink with me." She leaned out of the booth. "Barkeep! Two glasses of claret!"
"What's that?" Ibara's voice had a note of anxiety.
"Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero, must drink brandy." Ryoko quoted. "A line Tenchi learned from English class at his school. Before I blew it up, that is."
A waitress arrived with two glasses of a dark red liquid. Ibara eyed them warily.
"Those are even darker than the brandy." He noted.
"A warrior should not be deceived by appearances." Ryoko wagged her finger at him. "Think of these as your first sparring partners. You must crawl, then walk, then run." This could be fun after all, she thought. She lifted her glass, and Ibara did likewise. "Kampai!"
T h e E n d
Author's note: Be it confessed, Ibara's reaction to brandy is based on the author's own first encounter. (You write what you know.)