Rick Goes To Shoney's
It was a normal day for Rick Sanchez. Well, as normals as a day can be for Rick Sanchez. Rick was in his garage studying the particles that make up strings, and Morty, his grandson, was wondering what he was doing.
"Rick, are just gonna keep doing science stuff all summer? You gotta go out, Grandpa Rick! You gotta like, go on an adventure, or something!" Morty exclaimed.
Rick stopped working for a moment. He squinted at Morty. "Y-You know Morty, it's a little odd that you wanna go on an adventure, don't ya think? I mean, usually you have some stupid problem, and then I drag you on an adventure, you complain and bitch the whole time, and then all of a sudden you're happy you went because you got to look at some aliens tits or something Morty. Shouldn't you be jerking yourself off to the idea of Jessica taking a shit or something?" Rick just wasn't having it today. He'd been thinking about szechuan sauce again, which left him in a bad mood.
"Geez Rick, I was just trying to, you know, get you to do something" Morty said. "Things have been really dull around here lately. All we've done is collect Alien Face Hugger corpses and sell them to movie companies."
"Annnnd," Rick expressed with annoyance "I genetically reengineered living Aliens, sold those to movie companies, and that's why we have ticket to the midnight release of Alien: Covenant."
"Okay, fine." Morty said. "Mom is taking me and Summer to Taco Bell for lunch. Do you wanna come with?" Morty asked.
"W-Why would your mother take you Taco Bell by choice?" Rick asked. "The bathrooms smell like diarrhea and jizz, Morty! A-A-And the food there is almost completely made of people, Morty! Taco Bell is like some kind of shadow corporation Morty, killing and serving people to th-the, the idiot masses Morty!" Rick stopped his work and stood up. "Get your Mom and your sister, I'm taking you all to Shoney's!" Rick yelled.
"B-But Rick, Mom has a coupon for Taco-"
"I don't care if she has a coupon Morty!" Rick yelled. "She gonna save a lot more money when I pay for the fucking meal, now get your Mom and Sister and get them in here!"
"Okay, geez! Just calm down." Morty walked into the house. Rick pulled out his portal gun, typed in the coordinates, and opened a portal. A few moments later, Morty came out of the house with Beth and Summer, One by one they stepped through the portal.
On the other side of the portal, the family arrived at the restaurant. As they walked in the door, Ricks usual unimpressed scowl changed to a joyous smile. They were lead to a booth. They sat down, and began looking over the menus. Rick looked around. Windows with kids hand prints on them, underpaid, unenthusiastic waiters, trash on the floor from a party three days a ago, it was everything Rick loved about life.
"Hey, uh, Rick?" Morty asked, interrupting Rick's joy. "Could you get up for a second? I need to go to the bathroom."
"Yeah, sure thing Morty," Rick said standing up, letting Morty out "When the waiter comes I'll order you eggs sunny side up, a side of sausage, and a glass of orange juice." Rick sat back down, taking out his flask and taking a quick drink.
"Wow Rick, that's exactly what I was gonna order!" Morty exclaimed. "How did you know that?"
"I'm the smartest man in the universe Mo*erup*rty! I've engineered bats that use photosynthesis to make their food, I can remember what my grandson orders at every breakfast restaurant we go to!"
"Fine, Okay." Morty whined, making his way to the bathroom.
Rick, Summer and Beth waited for their orders to be taken and for Morty to return. Five minutes passed, then ten, then twenty. No Morty, and worse, no waiter. Rick was getting upset.
"Grandpa Rick," Summer asked "Don't you think Morty has been in the bathroom kinda long? Maybe you should go check on him."
"Hummm." Rick thought to himself "You might be right Summer. The last time Morty went to take a piss by himself, he almost got raped by a giant pedophilic Jellybean."
"Wait, what?" Beth asked, looking up from her menu.
"Buuuut," Rick continued "I don't want to miss our waiter if they ever get here. I'm sure Morty is fine. Like I said, 'Almost' got raped."
"Grandpa Rick that's terrible!" Summer yelled. "You care more about your, your eggs and pancakes-"
"Eggs and Bacon" Rick interrupted.
"-than your own grandchildren's safety!? Well fine, then I'll go check on him!"
Summer started to get up, but Rick beat her out of the booth and pushed her back down. "Okay Summer," Rick said "I'll go check on Morty. Y-You know you can't just walk on into the men's bathroom in a public facility, right? This country has a real problem with who uses who's bathrooms right now, Summer! Do you want to be labeled as some transexual, sexual assailant? Is that what you want Summer?" Summer sat silently, angrily glaring at Rick. "Yeah I thought not. If the waiter comes, tell them to wait for me, I don't want one of you fucking up my order." Rick turned and walked towards the bathroom. Beth and Summer sat silently at the table.
"Sooo," Beth asked "what was that about a pedophile jellybean?"
Summer shrugged, also unaware of the past situation. They went back to their patient silence.
Rick kicked open the door to the bathroom. It was exactly as clean as a chain restaurant's bathroom should be: not very. The mirror hadn't been washed in ages, stray paper towels sat in the corners, mysterious stains covered the walls and floor. Rick walked over to a urinal and unzipped his pants. He started to take a piss.
"Alright Morty," Rick yelled "your idiot sister is getting worried about you, so speed up that crap you're taking, okay?"
No response. Rick finished his work, and walked over to the sink. He started to wash his hands, and looked over at the stalls. There were only two, and only one was closed.
"Morty, the least you can do is pretend like you're gonna listen to me. Just say 'Awww, oh geez Rick, sure, I'll, I'll poop faster grandpa Rick! I'll be right on out!' okay?"
Once again, no reply. Rick dried off his hands, and looked back at the stall. Thinking back on all his adventures, he remembered all the terrible things that could happen to someone on the toilet. He decided it would be better to be safe than sorry. Rick walked over to the stall, and peaked through the side of the door. He could see Morty in there, who was doing something Rick really didn't need to see.
"God damnit Morty!" Rick yelled, quickly jumping back from the stall. "Y-Y-You masturbate constantly Morty! I-I'm fine with you doing it in your room, or in the kitchen, or in every other room in the fucking house, but not here! I'm not gonna let you masturbate in Shoney's Morty!"
Rick took a step. He lined up his shot, and quickly kicked the door open. Kicking the door open was unnecessary due to the fact that the stall didn't lock properly, and could have just been pushed open, but it was the Rick thing to do. Rick angrily stared at his grandson, still beating away at his genitals. Morty's eyes were dull, drool coming out of his mouth, no expression on his face. Rick looked down to see that his grandsons pants were completely off, and that his tighty-whities had been soiled. Several small white piles of cum laid on the floor.
"Oh god damnit Morty!" Rick cursed. "This is disgusting! Now this place smells like your shit and jizz! This isn't a god damn Taco Bell! You can't just-"
And then it hit Rick. Something had seemed up since this morning. Morty wanting to go on an adventure. The trip to Taco Bell. The lack of events in the Shoney's while something significantly more interesting was going on in the bathroom. It all made sense now.
Rick looked around, as if he was being watched. He pulled out his flask, downing a good few mouthfuls. Rick screwed the flask closed, and quickly hit Morty over the head with it. Morty stopped beating off and grabbed his head.
"Oww!" Morty winced, coming out of his trance like state. "Aww, w-what? What's hap-happeeee-eeohhhhh!" Morty screamed, evaluating the situation. "Rick! Why are my pants off!? W-Why are you in the bathroom with me!?" Morty began to hyperventilate.
"Calm the fuck down Morty" Rick yelled, grabbing his grandson by the arms. "Look at me Morty! Look at me! See how I'm not looking at your penis Morty. Just breath Morty. It's okay Morty, but we need to move quickly!" Rick reached into his lab coat, and pulled out a new pair of white underwear. "Here, put these on, and your pants too. We need to go."
"Rick," Morty asked "what's going on? Why is there jizz everywhere? When did I shit my pants? And, why do you have extra underwear?"
"Morty, I'm a seventy year-old alcoholic. Sometimes when I'm drunk and I go to get schwifty, I forget the the important step between taking off my pants and shiting on the floor, and thus, the later never happens. So I carry extra underwear so I'm not walking around in my own shit all day, so you're welcome! Those tighty whities really saved your ass today."
"Okay," Morty said, putting on his pants "but what about the rest of this stuff Rick? This whole situation is kind of odd."
"Every thing he does is kind of odd Morty." Rick said as he walked over to the bathroom door. He oppen it just a crack, and peeked out. "Morty, come keep watch for me. I need to check something on my portal gun."
Morty looked at Rick for a moment. He wasn't getting any of the answers he wanted, but certainly Rick would explain everything in due time. Morty went to the door and peaked through the small opening. Looking out, he could see a good portion of the diner. Morty had a clear view of his mother and sister, both sitting at the table, waiting for his and Ricks return. They sat there, barely moving… not moving… or blinking… the diner was totally still.
"Uhhh, Rick? Why is nobody out there moving?" Morty asked.
"Because they don't have to Morty." Rick replied. "This story is about you and me, so things only happen when we're around."
"What? Story?" Morty asked skeptically. "Is this like that time you and Dad got kidnapped by those alien scammer? I remember you telling me about that, after you passed out drunk in my room, after, you know, you threatened to slit my throat if I was a hologram?"
"All the Zigerions are dead Morty." Rick said as he look through the code of his portal gun. With a few more clicks, Rick found what he was looking for. "We're not in a simulation, we're in a dimension with a set line of actions Morty."
"Set line of actions? Wha-What does that mean, Rick?"
"It means that things are meant to happen a certain way here, Morty. You know how there are infinite universes? Well, there are also less infinite types of universes. In our universe, we're in charge of our actions Morty. But here, the universe is in charge, and the longer we stay here, the more likely we are to obey it. I almost never come to these dimensions, but that little bastard fucked up my portal gun, and now the only options are set line-of-action universes. We need to get your mom and sister, get back to the garage, fix my portal gun, and get the hell out of here."
"W-What happens if we don't get out of here Rick?" Morty asked nervously.
"Eight-chapter story short Morty," Rick said, still looking at his portal gun "you and Summer die and your mom ceases to exist."
"WHAT?!" Morty yelled, shocked by the development. "What do you mean I'm gonna die Rick?!"
"I mean," Rick said, putting away his gun, turning to Morty "that if I hadn't come in here and stopped you from, from smacking your sausage Morty, you would have just kept at it. And once you got tired of jerking yourself off, you would have given yourself a blowjob, bite your dick off, and then died for mass blood loss, cause that's the way the story goes." Rick looked at Morty, who stood there dumbfounded. "What you don't believe me?" Rick yelled. "Y-Y-You'd be surprised how much blood there is in a boner, Morty."
"Wha..? No, no, not that!" Morty said "I'm just really confused Rick. You keep calling this a story? What does that mean?"
"Ughhh." Rick moaned, rolling his eyes. "You want to know what it means Morty? Fine, backstory time. As you already know, I was essentially a criminal before I came back to the family, right Morty?"
"I mean, if anything, you're more of a criminal now Rick. I mean, you did destroy the galactic government, and kill all those Ricks." Morty corrected.
"Yeah, sure, fine. Well, as you know I wasn't alone. On all my illegal missions to more or less do the wrong thing for the right reasons, I was joined by Bird Person, Squanchy, sometimes Gearhead, o-o-or some other criminal. Well, for a while, I did a lot of my missions with a man named Ford. When it came to smart people, he was a dumb as they came, Morty. He spent his whole life working on interdimensional travel, and wasn't even able to figure it out without the help of a dimension-destroying demon. He got sucked into his stupid, oversized, one-way portal, and needed help to get back. We decided to help him out if, in exchange, he'd let us see the other research he's done on the other side, which sounded a lot more impressive. After years of going from planet to planet, facility to facility, he still didn't know how to get back. Then, one day, in the middle of a mission to get some really important materials, something we both needed, a portal opened up. Ford took one look at it, and without even looking back he just jumped through it. He didn't even know if it was back to his home, or to the greasy old lady dimension, but it was good enough for him. He left me for dead on that mission, I barely got out of it alive Morty. But when I did, I decided to do what I always do when I get crossed."
"Aww geez." Morty said. "I don't like where this is going."
"I decided to get more information on Ford." Rick continued. "I hunted down the demon who had helped him before. He told me where I could find Ford, but of course I had to make some kind of deal with him. I mean, I tricked him, but, you know how demons are, always with the deals. It gets old really fast."
"You're off topic Rick" Morty said, wanting to move things along before he dies.
"Sorry, sorry. Anyways, when I went to his dimension to even things out, I saw that he had a family, a brother and some grandkids or something like that. I decided mortally wounding Ford wasn't the best way to get back at him. So instead, me and the demon co-wrote a story about his grandkids, a story so fucked up, once he read it, he'd never be able to look at his kids the same way again! And now, well, we're in a dimension where the story is bound to happen if we stay here too long."
"Oh." Said Morty, wrapping his head around things. "So, did the demon break your portal gun to get back at you then? For the time you tricked him?"
"THAAAT'S RIGHT, KID!" A cheerful voice echoed from every corner of the room.
The air in the bathroom became heavy, but seemed to disappear. The room seemed hot, but Morty couldn't stop shivering. On the back wall, the outline of a triangle took shape. Slowly, as if brick by brick, the triangle was filled with light. Any space left unlit seemed to have all matter sucked out of it, as it turned an unnatural black. More shadows shifted and took shape. A hat, arms, legs, and a bowtie. A line slowly formed in the center of the triangle. It opened, revealing a sheer white, only broken by the long, inhuman pupil in the center of the eye. The form floated off the wall, glowing slightly.
"Ohhh wow! Great entrance Bill!" Rick said sarcastically. "You really jerked yourself off good with that one! Hey, maybe Morty can get some pointers from you!"
"AWW COME ON RICK DON'T BE LIKE THAT!" Bill said bashfully. "YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE KIDS! I WAS JUST SHOWING OFF FOR THE LITTLE SQUIRT!" Bill floated over to Morty, who took a step back. "HOW'S IT GOING KID? NAME'S BILL CIPHER. ME AND YOUR GRANDPA GO WAY BACK. IN FACT, THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON YOU'RE LIFE IS ON THE LINE RIGHT NOW!"
"Don't listen to him Morty." Rick said. "He's just trying to fuck with us because I tricked him out of taking control of my body."
"OH HO! BOY DID YOU GET ME!" Bill said, totally amused. "LET ME TELL YOU MORTY, YOUR GRANDPA IS A CLASS ACT! WE MADE A DEAL THAT IF I HELPED HIM GET BACK AT FORD, HE WOULD LET ME TAKE CONTROL OF HIS BODY FOR ONE MINUTE. WHEN HE CAME BACK THROUGH THAT PORTAL, I WAS SO READY TO USE HIS MEMORIES TO TAKE OVER THE MULTIVERSE! BUT THEN HE SAID 'W-WELL, BILL, WHAT IF IT WAS A DIFFERENT RICK?'" Bill mocked, coping Rick's voice perfectly. "HE OPENED A PORTAL TO ANOTHER DIMENSION, AND THERE WAS ANOTHER RICK! I LIKED HOW HE FOUND A LOOPHOLE IN THE DEAL, AND FIGURED 'EH, WHY NOT?' I AGREED, AND RICK CONVINCED THIS OTHER RICK TO LET ME IN. I GET INTO HIS BRAIN, AND ALL THAT'S THERE WAS MEMORIES OF THIS RICK EATING LITERAL SHIT! I TELL YA, THIS RICK WAS A REAL DOFUS! IT WAS THE BEST TRICK ANYONE EVER PULLED ON ME!"
Rick looked at Bill, confused. "If you're not mad about me tricking you," Rick asked "why are you screwing with my portal gun? And why bring us here of all places?"
"WELL RICK," Bill started, floating around the room "YOU SEE, I'M CURRENTLY UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT. I LOST A LOT OF POWER IN A FIGHT A LITTLE WHILES BACK, AND I'M CURRENTLY UNDER WATCH FROM THE AXOLOTL. HE'S A BUSY AMPHIBIAN, AND IT'S TAKING HIM A BIT TOO LONG TO GET ME THAT NEW FORM. SO I HIGHTAILED IT OUT OF THERE, AND CAME TO FIND YOU!"
"Oh let me guess!" Rick shouted "You want me to make your new form so you can get your full power back and take over and destroy the multiverse?"
"BINGO!" Yelled Bill. "AND TO MAKE SURE YOU DO SO, I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS LITTLE STORY WE WROTE UP TO FUCK WITH FORD! IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP AND HELP ME OUT. MORTY'S GONNA EAT HIS OWN DICK AND BLEED TO DEATH, SUMMER'S GONNA FUCK HIS DEAD BODY AND THEN GET MURDERED AND CUT TO PIECES, AND BETH, WELL, SHE DOESN'T HAVE A PLACE IN THIS STORY, SO SHE'LL JUST DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY! AHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HAA HAAA!"
"Rick!" Morty screamed hysterically. "Y-You wrote a story about me eating my dick and dying!? That's so screwed up! W-W-W-Why would you do something like that!?"
"I didn't write this story about you, Morty!" Rick corrected. "It's about Ford's grandchildren! I just wrote it to fuck with him, and since Bill knew him better, I had him help me. We wrote the story, and then I put a copy of it on Fords desk so he would read it, freak out, and be a little paranoid for a few weeks. It's this asshole" Rick pointed to Bill, who waved at Morty cheerfully "who brought us to a universe where this story also has to unfold. He's also the asshole who posted the story online in every conceivable universe, and didn't give me any goddamn credit!"
"HEY, AT LEAST OUR WORK IS GETTING RECOGNIZED RICK!" Bill pointed out. "IF YOU HAD THINGS YOUR WAY, NO ONE BUT FORD WOULD HAVE READ IT! WHAT A WASTE OF LITERATURE! THIS STORY IS INFAMOUS IN SOME DIMENSIONS!"
"Yeah and I'm not any credit for it you illuminati fuck!" Rick yelled.
"Grandpa Rick," Morty interrupted, "don't you think we should just, umm, grab Mom and Summer and leave? We're just wasting time here."
"HA!" Bill laughed. "YOU THINK I'LL JUST LET YOU WALK OUT OF HERE AND GO TO YOUR GARAGE? WHAT KIND OF IDIOT DO YOU THINK I AM?"
"OK then," Morty said with a blank face, "stop me."
Morty turned to the door, opened it, and walked out. Bill floated in place for a moment, looked at Rick, and then the door. He didn't move.
"W-W-What is this, freeze tag?" Rick asked. "Y-You're just gonna sit there and let Morty power-move you like that? What's going on Bill?"
Bill looked at the door, and then Rick. The door, then Rick. He let out a long sigh, and floated towards the door. Outside, Morty was trying to convince his Mom and sister to leave. Bill and Rick got to the table. Summer looked over at Bill.
"Woooooah," Summer exclaimed, unimpressed, "who's the Cool Ranch Dorito?"
Rick pulled a gun out of his coat pocket. "Summer," Rick said, "shut up." He pulled the trigger, firing a dart into Summers neck. She recoiled, but quickly fell into a deep sleep. Rick fired a dart into Beth, who also fell asleep. "It'll be easier to transport them this way. Alright Bill, talk, what's with the blue balls all of a sudden?"
"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!" Bill exclaimed. "YOU'RE DUMB GRANDSON CALLED MY BLUFF! WITHOUT A NEW FORM, MY POWERS ARE PRETTY LIMITED. I MEAN, I USED UP MOST OF THEM TO JUST CHANGE THE COORDINATES IN YOUR PORTAL GUN. AND THE REST ARE GOING INTO MAKING THIS VISUAL ALLUSION!"
"Good job Morty." Rick said, grabbing Summer. "How did you figure that Bill couldn't do shit to us?"
"I just really didn't want to stay in that bathroom if I didn't have too." Morty said, helping his grandpa with his sister. They carried Summer outside where to the parking lot where they found a Jeep.
"Go grab your Mom, Morty." Rick said, dropping his half of Summer. "I'm gonna hot wire this Jeep so we can get home."
Morty dropped Summer and went back inside. Bill was still floating there, scowling. He looked over at Morty, now alone, and got an idea. Bill quickly cheered up.
"HEY KID, YOU DON'T GOTTA DO THIS!" Bill said to Morty as he tried to find a way to carry his Mom. "ALWAYS DOING WHAT RICK SAYS, BEING HIS SIDEKICK, THAT BLOWS! I CAN CHANGE ALL OF THAT! DON'T YOU WANNA BE ON TOP? IF YOU HELP ME, I CAN GET YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT! POWER! GIRLS! A MILLION SANDWICHES! INCEST PORN, IF YOU'RE INTO THAT! SO WHAD'YA SAY MORTY? WILL YA HELP OUT OLD BILL CIPHER FOR SOME INCEST PORN?"
"Why are you focusing on incest porn?" Morty asked. "And, no, I won't help you." He started to walk away with Beth. "And no I'm not into incest porn!"
"DO YOU REALLY THINK RICK IS GONNA BE ABLE TO SAVE YOU THIS TIME!? I'VE DESTROYED ENTIRE DIMENSIONS!"
"Well," Morty said without stopping "Grandpa Rick beat the shit out of the devil."
"YOU THINK I'M SOME LOWLY DEVIL? I'M AN INTERDIMENSIONAL DEMON!"
"So is my Grandpa." Morty said as he opened the door. "And my grandpa has also killed like, a million other Ricks. So I think he'll find a way to beat you too." Morty walked out of the Shoney's. The door closed with a thunk, leaving Bill alone.
"OHHH WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, MORTY SMITH." Bill said to himself before disappearing.
Morty carried Beth to the car and threw her into the back seat. He hopped into the passenger seat just as Rick finished hotwiring the Jeep. Rick looked over at Morty. "Took you a while Morty, was Bill giving you trouble, trying to make some kinda deal with you or something?"
"Yeah, I guess. But it's fine, let's just go. I can feel the idea of giving myself a blowjob becoming more interesting."
"Yeah, we are on the clock, aren't we?" Rick asked as he started the car. He pulled out of the parking lot, and floored the gas. There were no other cars on the road. There didn't need to be in this story. Rick glanced over at Morty, who was shifting uncomfortably in his seat. In the rear view mirror, Rick could see summer shift occasionally, usually moving her hand to her crotch and moaning slightly. Beth was a little harder to see than Rick would have liked. The effects of the story were taking effect again.
"This isn't good Morty," Rick said, speeding up the car, "we've got a few hour drive ahead of us, w-we've gotta do something to slow down the story. See if there are any CD's anywhere in here Morty."
Morty looked around, he checked under the seat but only found candy wrappers and a used condom. He opened the glove box, and a few CD's fell out onto the floor. "Umm, they have a Beatles tape, Lil Jon, Ke$ha-"
"Ke$ha will do." Rick said, grabbing the CD out of Morty's hand. Rick quickly opened the CD, shoving it into the dashboard. The 2000's pop began to play over the speakers. "There," Rick said "no one can be horny when listening to Ke$ha, Morty. I-It's just not possible."
Morty looked at his Grandpa questionably. He decided not to argue with him, and just looked out the side of the Jeep instead, trying to ignore the thoughts of his own penis in his mouth. The ride was, like Morty's dick, hard. No matter how much Morty tried to focus on the thoughtless, heartless lyrics, or the terrifying driving speeds, he couldn't stop thinking about his own dick. It was right there, he could reach. And if he could reach it, he could taste it. There was no way he would bite off his own dick. That would be absurd. Rick was focused on driving. There was no way he would notice anything. Morty reached for his groin, and unzipped his pants. He began to bend over, getting ready to pull out his penis. As his head got closer, Morty felt a sharp twinge in his neck. He tried to reach for the pain, but quickly found himself unable to keep himself up. The world went black. Within the darkness, Morty could see himself, floating there alone. He looked around, but found nothing. After a moment, Morty saw a bright, white light. It seemed to be approaching, growing larger by the moment. Quicker and quicker, the light approached Morty. It flew past him, missing him by just a few feet. Morty watched it pass, baffled. He turned around, to see another wave, no, a load of light, speeding towards. Him. This one was closer, but again it missed. This happened time and time again, each time the load getting closer to Morty, and the salty smell of the light becoming more distinct. Morty wanted to be one with the light. Closer and closer, Morty was now able to touch the light. It was warm. It was sticky. It was everything Morty wanted, no, needed. Morty looked on into the darkness, to see the biggest load of light yet. And this one was headed directly for Morty, directly for his mouth. He slowly opened his lips, ready for the light to fill up his slutty little mouth. It drew closer and closer, faster and faster, all Morty could see was the light, all he could taste was his own, hot, gooey, salty cu-
"DON'T STOP! MAKE IT ROCK! DJ BLOW MY SPEAKERS UP! TO-NIGHT! I'MMA FIGHT! TILL I SEE THE SUN! LIGHT!" Rick yelled, pulling a sharp, 95 mph turn into Morty's subdivision. Morty was thrown to the side of the car, almost falling out if not for his seatbelt. He looked around, sleepily, taking in the familiar surroundings. Morty looked down and noticed that his pants had been soaked through with jizz. No, wait, it's pee. Morty had peed his pants. He let out a sigh, and looked back at his family. Summer and Beth were still asleep. Summers pants were also soaked through with… yep, piss. And though Beth was clearly disappearing for existence, she too had pissed her-
"RICK!" Morty yelled franticly. "W-W-We need to hurry! M-M-Mom's disappearing Rick! And we're all covered in pee! I-Is that another part of the story!? Do we all pee ourselves!?"
"Calm down Morty!" Rick said, turning down the radio. "We're almost back to the house Morty. We'll be out of here soon! And the pee, that's just a side effect of the tranquilizer Morty. It just makes you lose control of your bladder when you sleep Morty."
"Oh…" Morty said, embarrassed. "Well, at least this is almost over. I mean, I was really starting to get some weird feeling there. Like, geez, that was some, some screwed up stuff Rick. You really, you really outdid yourself with this story Rick. Like, if this is screwing me up, I can only imagine what it would do if someone who actually had a genuine connection to the characters in this story."
"Thanks Morty. It wasn't easy to read the story for me either. I can only imagine what it could be like. Knowing the boy in the story, and his innocent sister. Having to look at them and think, 'someone out there wrote this about me THEM! Wrote this about them!' Sorry, it's hard to keep things straight since we're ya'know, living the story."
"Yeah, I get it." Morty agreed." Hey, grandpa Rick?" Morty asked. "If I'm the boy, and Summer is the girl, and Mom isn't in the story so she's disappearing, who are you in the story?"
"I'm the old man who disregards his young relative. He shows up like, once in the opening scene. It works out great cause, since I already care so little about you, I don't have anywhere to fall to."
"Oh." Morty said mater-of-factly. "I guess that does kinda work out in our favor."
After a few more minutes, Rick and Morty pulled up to there house. Rick quickly jumped out of the car and began entering security codes into the garage door opener. Morty got out of the car, trying to ignore the now cold pee that covered his lower half. The garage door opened, and Rick quickly got to work on his portal gun. Morty ran inside to change pants. When he came back out, Rick was reconstructing his gun.
"Morty, grab your Mom and sister, let's get out of here."
"You got it!" Morty ran over to the car. He grabbed Summer and pulled her out of the car. He grabbed her arms, and dragged her into the garage. Rick fired off the portal gun and gave Morty a thumbs up. Morty nodded, picking Summer up some more to better throw her though. As Morty adjusted Summer, she began to wake up.
"Uuhhhhh…" Summer moaned. "M-Morty… I... I wanna taste your dick…"
"God damnit I'm not into incest!" Morty yelled, aggressively throwing summer through the portal. Annoyed, Morty walked back to the car to get Beth. Rick helped too, it taking both their efforts to carry Beths spectral body into the garage. They pushed her through the portal, only to be followed by thud and the sound of Summer moaning, reassuring that Beth had become existent again.
"Alright then," Rick exclaimed, gesturing towards the portal "After you Morty!"
"NOT SO FAST RICK." A familiar voice said menacingly. At the entrance to the garage was a man dressed in black. He had a Shoney's logo sewn to the left side of his fleece jacket. He was wearing squeaky shoes and dark sunglasses. Despite the mysterious attire, he was immediately recognized.
"Bill." Rick said, unsurprised.
"Dad?" Morty asked, confused.
"YOU'RE BOTH RIGHT!" Bill Cipher said, removing the glasses from Jerry Smith's face. "YOU'RE IDIOT DAD LET ME TAKE OVER HIS BODY! ALL I HAD TO DO WAS TELL HIM I COULD GET RID OF RICK AND GIVE HIM ALL THE MANEQUIN LEGS IN THE WORLD! FINALLY, I GET TO POSSESS SOMEONE WITH SOME TASTE!" Bill pulled out a knife from one of his pockets, and began to approach the two. "NOW YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME THAT NEW FORM RICK! OR SO HELP ME I'LL MUTILATE THE KIDS DAD RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM! THAT'LL FUCK HIM UP FOR GOOD!"
Rick pulled out his tranquilizer gun from his jacket and pressed a few buttons on it. He pointed it at Bill. Bill stopped for a moment.
"HA! AAHHHH HA HA HA HA!" Bill laughed. "YOU THINK YOUR TRANQUILIZERS GONNA WORK?I MAY STILL BE WEAK, BUT I CAN AT LEAST WILL THE WEAK BODY TO STAY AWAKE!"
"I'm not trying to tranquilize you, Cipher." Rick said, pulling the trigger, sending a bullet straight through Jerry's stomach. Bill screamed in agony. "I'm just fucking shooting you."
"THAT'S FUCKING SICK!" Bill yelled, holding the wound. "YOU'D SHOOT YOUR GRANDKIDS DAD? WHILE HE JUST STANDS THAT AND WATCHES IN HORROR!?" Bill looked over to see Morty completely unscaved. "WHAT THE!? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, KID!?"
"I'm used to seeing my family get killed. This isn't even my real Dad you're possessing. I watched my Dad get killed on live TV."
Bill looked at Morty, baffled. He turned to Rick, who just smiled smugly and shrugged. Once again, Bill had been bested. For a moment, he let his rage settle in. Then he charged Rick. "I'LL KILL YOU RICK SANCHEZ!" Bill screamed.
Rick stepped back, firing off another five shots into Jerry's head and chest. Bill fell back, but still tried to control the failing body. "Y…. Y'ER ALLLL OUT'A BULLETS, NOW… RICK… I'M GONNA… I'M GONNA KILL YOU…." Bill babbeled.
"Oh really?" Rick asked. "Well then let's see what happens if I pull the trigger another one hundred and eighty times!" Rick began firing off bullet after bullet, filling Jerry's body to the brim with lead and holes. Bill screamed in pain as each bullet ripped through his new body. As he tried to pull out, each bullet brought him a little back into the mutilated corpse. The body fell to the floor. The shock was enough to help push Bill out of the many-times-dead Jerry.
"ALL RIGHT! I GET IT!" Bill yelled "YOU HAVE A GUN WITH UNLIMITED FUCKING BULLETS!" WOOPTY FUCKING DOO! WHEN I GET MY NEW FORM I'M GONNA MAKE SURE YOU NEVER DIE WHEN I'M TORTURING YOU FOR ETERNITY!"
"Oh wow!" Rick taunted, Still shooting the body. "I'm so fucking scared! Hey here's an idea, tell the Axolotl to save some time by not giving you a full three hundred sixty degrees! I mean, you were working what, three or four at most today!?"
"OH YEAH, A GEOMETRY JOKE!" Bill taunted. "NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T HEARD A MILLION OF THOSE! REAL SMART SANCHEZ!"
"Oh like I need to be smart with you!" Rick screamed. You're literally just a yellow shape with magic powers and a smartass attitude! You're like the child of Spongebob and Pac-Man who was raised by the Chesire Cat Groucho Marx!"
"FUCK YOU!" Bill yelled "I'M GOING BACK TO THE AXOLOTL! NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME RICK SANCHEZ, YOU'RE DONE FOR OLD MAN!"
"Yeah, OK, sure." Rick said sarcastically. "Because your last run in with an old man ended so well."
Bill stared at Rick. Never before had he felt such a rage for just one human. He snapped his fingers, and there was a bright flash of light. Rick and Morty averted their eyes. When they look back, Bill was gone. Rick and Morty were left there alone, just them, a portal, and a Jerry corpse. They stood there for a minute, just looking around.
Morty looked at the dead body, and then at Rick. "Geez Rick. You really… did a lot of shooting there."
"Yeah, well, I've been waiting to do that for a long time Morty. I had to savor it."
"You mean, waiting to shoot Bill, Right?"
"Morty," Rick said, patting his grandson on the shoulder, "we both know that's not what I meant."
"Aww, c'mon Rick! Do ya really have to say that!?"
"Oh, so now I'm the bad guy!? Would you rather I lied to you like Cipher does, Morty? A-And what kind of question is that anyway Morty!? You know I have problems with you Dad! Why would you ask a question you clearly know the answer too!?"
"Because I was hoping you wouldn't say it! You could, like, ya'know, have a little compassion once in awhile Rick! I spent the whole day trying to eat my own dick! I-I peed my pants! Everyone kept bringing up incest! It's been a tough day, I'd just like a little bit of compassion, ya'know!?"
"OK, OK, fine Morty! You're right, this has been a tough day for you. Look, I'm sorry, I was talking about Bill too. I'm just really angry because this whole thing is reminding me how, how I'm not getting any credit for this dumb story, Morty."
"Aww geez, yeah, that does suck Rick. But hey, if it'll make you feel better, I can read the story, Rick. I'll know it was by you, and then, I can like, tell you how you did well, and stuff."
Rick looked at Morty for a moment, smiling. After a moment, the smile faded. "Wow Morty if you wanna read incest porn that badly you can just look it up yourself."
"What!? No, I'm not, I'm just trying to be nice Rick!"
"Yeah, sure Morty. Come on, Let's go home. I never got my food at Shoney's, I'm fucking starving."
"OK, fine. But we're not going to Shoney's. This whole thing kinda turned me off to Shoney's for a while."
"Well then we'll go to Chipotle, Morty. Not like anything bad happens there." Rick said sarcastically. They stepped through the portal, back to their normal, Tacobell-less lives.