"Don't Turn Around"
or
"Yatta?!"
by Sainte Matthewe
Dedications: To Atressa and Alucard. Thanks… I think… O_o;
He gathered all his dignity about him, and glared down his nose. A raptor intent on a kill. He opened his mouth for the final blow, a scathing remark to this most unworthy student. His great remark didn't come out. Instead, a little hiccup escaped and the disgusting creature he was supposed to be teaching giggled. At HIM, Severus Snape. He tried again. Another hiccup.
The filthy little maggot giggled again. "What would scare Professor Snape?"
Snape narrowed his dark eyes, and replied, "The fact that *hiccup* you have enough brain cells *hiccup, hiccup* to *hiccup* discuss muggle superstitions, but not *hiccup* enough to pay attention. *hiccup.*"
The student's jaw dropped. "Well… I never…"
"Perhaps you should. *hiccup, hiccup* Your grades may benefit." With that, the class continued, with his constant hiccupping and the giggles from the class every time he did so grating on his nerves.
In dire need of a glass of water, he stalked down the hall towards his office, with his long nose in a book… He was being followed. Snape continued down the hallway as if he noticed nothing amiss. The tracker was very good. The footfalls were timed with his own, masking a second echo, however, a tell-tale shadow was thrown upon a nearby wall, well within his peripheral sight. "What *hiccup* do you want, Lupin? *hiccup, hiccup*"
"Ah, ha, ha, ha… Never mind, Severus." Snape looked up in time to see the Dark Arts professor pull off a werewolf mask and walk away.
"Hmph… *hiccup*"
A few steps farther, and again, he was being followed. This time, he had more than one stalker, and not nearly as skilled. Three very familiar, very much not welcome figures surrounded him. Oh, bloody Hell.
Dressed in House Slytherin trademark colours, the three choroused, "Professor Snape, Professor Snape, rah rah rah! Go~ Slytherin! Yeah!"
He was not amused. "Mister *hiccup* Potter! Are you and your entourage on some sort of recreational *hiccup, hiccup* pharmaceuticals? Get out of my sight before I *hiccup* deduct five hundred *hiccup, hiccup, hiccup* more points from House Gryffindor!"
Thankfully, that was enough of a threat to deter the little monsters. They quickly left his presence. Unfortunately, his torment was not yet over. "Good afternoon, Severus!" another voice rang out. He turned, and raised an eyebrow at what greeted him.
Albus Dumbledore, the wizened headmaster of Hogwarts School stood there, robes open, and wearing that bane of male fashion, the Speedo. "I heard you have the hiccups, Severus. Anything I can do for you?"
Snape shuddered inwardly. The headmaster in a Speedo was something he never wanted to contemplate, much less see. "Uh, *hiccup* no, Albus. Thank *hiccup* you."
"Are you sure?"
"Very *hiccup*" And the beleaguered Potions master escaped to his office. After pouring himself that much needed glass of water, he sat down at his desk, grumbling. "Stupid *hiccup* old-muggle wive's tale. *hiccup* A good scare, indeed. *hiccup, hiccup.*"
He raised the glass to his lips, and heard rustling and murmurs behind him, followed by a harsh voice whisper, "Shut up, or he'll hear you!"
With another hiccup, Snape upgraded his usual Glare to Deathglare, and turned to face whomever dared invade the privacy of his inner sanctum. The sight that then met his eyes stopped his heart for a moment. He had been expecting some exceptionally brave and foolish student, not this. Not the wrath-like form of Valdemort and a half dozen of the fiercest Deatheaters wearing nothing but identical grins—and a pair of blindingly white briefs decorated with a fig leaf on the front.
Without warning, the singing began:
"Its so easy. Happy-go-lucky!
We are the world! We did it!
Hyuu! Hyuu! Hyuu! Hyuu!
Osu! Osu! Osu! Osu!"
Then, as one, the group began to hop from one leg to the other, fists in the air, and still singing.
"Yatta! Yatta!
Daigaku gohgaku
Yatta! Yatta!
Shachoh shuunin
Happa ichimai areba ii.
Ikite iru kara lucky da!"
Faced with such a vision, one, Severus Snape did the only thing a sane man could do; He let loose a high-pitched shriek, and ran from the room.
Sometime later, he found himself in the highest, most secluded tower Hogwarts had to offer, his breathing slowly returning to normal. He paused. Then, he took an experimental deep breath. Whatever else that nightmare vision might have done to him, it certainly cured his hiccups.
The Aftermath: Er, yeah. Snape, related terms, and lyrics to "Yatta!" are copyrighted to their respective owners. By the way, the Japanese translates as the following:
"All right! All right!
We're doin' great in college!
All right! All right!
Made president at our jobs!
Long as we've one leaf on, we're doin' fine!
Hey, we're lucky just 'cause we're alive!"