Soliloquy, an avengers fanfic

A/N: This was written for Pepperony Week over on tumblr.

Hey, Pep!

It's me, your badass, awesome, incredibly sexy genius boyfriend/boss just dropping you a line.

Wait, am I still your boss? Because lately it seems you're the one doing the bossing, even though you did quit and all.

Well, actually, that's pretty much how it's always been, now that I think about it…

Let me start over.

Hi there, Pep!

How's it going?

I'm good… a little busy at the moment, but it's not that important. I can still talk.

I just wanted to take a sec to wish you a happy birthday.

I wanted to, but it might be a little weird since your birthday isn't for another two months.

Oh yeah, I know your birthday now! I memorized it along with your parents' birthdays, and your grandparents, and their wedding anniversaries so I can start sending them gifts, and also your social security number and blood type. That last one is just in case you ever needed a life saving operation of some kind and I'm not a compatible donor. We're both O positive, so it should be okay, but you never know. Trust me when I say it's important to be prepared for anything. I swear, I'm not trying to jinx you…

What was I talking about?

Oh, right! Your birthday.

Boy, it's a good thing I have you to remind me of stuff.

Anyway, I wanted to wish you a happy birthday now, because I'm thinking I won't be able to make your actual birthday.

I'm sorry, I know I promised that I would shape up and be the 'caring, responsible lover' and whatnot.

I do care! You know that.

Plus… well, let's be honest, you've never had a lay as good as me. Mutual feeling, by the way.

Some things have come up, important things that can't be worked around, you know how that goes. Believe me, I'd love nothing more than to be there at your party with all our friends, giving you a fancy new necklace or some other crap, and then, once everyone's gone home, take you to the bedroom and give you your real present. We're business people, we have to prioritize, and sometimes things happen that take precedence over other things, no matter how big an inconvenience they are or how much you don't like them and wish there was a way around them…

I'm not explaining this right.

Let's just say, I'm really sorry and you are free to buy whatever designer dress or luxury car or other ungodly expensive gift you want, and put in on my tab.

Sound good?

II.

God, you would not believe the day I'm having, Pep. I've had to punch in enough freaky alien heads in the last hour to last 12 lifetimes. It's unbelievable. I mean, a whackjob in a weaponized suit of armor, I can deal with, we both know that. This, though? This is making me wish I never let Fury coerce me into this whole Avengers Initiative thing. I am just exhausted right now.

The only upside is getting to fight with the rest of these guys. They're all pretty badass, almost as much as me.

By the way, do NOT tell them I said any of that, especially not Capiscle.

Well, okay you can tell Bruce, he deserves to hear it. And maybe you can tell Point Break. He's got that whole 'foreign alien' thing going on, and probably won't know what I mean anyway.

On second thought, better not to take the chance. So yeah, nobody but Bruce. Got that?

I was watching Romanov team up with Cap before. She was kicking ass, I must say. Did you know she changed her hair? I don't know what I think about it, but I kind of like her old look better. I'm not really a suitable judge, I guess. You'll just have to see her and decide for yourself.

I bet she did it for her boyfriend, Legolas. Oh yeah, I said boyfriend. She can deny it all she wants and Barton can back her up all he wants and they can stay in collective denial until the end of the world, but I can see through them. I think he's got it worse than her too. You should see the way he looks at her. I only know one other guy who gives that kind of look to a hot redhead, and that guy is way better off because he can actually do something about it.

Am I right, Pep?

Yeah, you know I'm right.

III.

Ugh.

My arms hurt like a bitch right now, Pep. You do not even realize. I officially apologize for any time I lorded all my heavy lifting of Stark Tower over you. Assuming I come out of this with my limbs intact, you can count on me keeping my mouth shut next time I have to carry a pyramid of bricks thirty stories.

And that's another thing you can't tell anyone. That I apologized for something, I mean.

Seriously, not even Bruce this time. This one is for your ear and your ears only.

Relatively speaking.

God, my arms really hurt…

My legs too.

And also my… well, everything, really.

Alright, enough of this depressing crap. It's brining me down and I don't need that right now.

Let's talk about something else.

IV.

By the way, Pep, I've been meaning to ask you something. Does you're mother prefer silver or gold? Because I know her birthday is a week after yours- and that's kind of weird, how did they manage that?

Anyway, I was thinking, since I've never given her a gift before and I have this striking suspicion that she hates my guts a little bit, it'd have to be something that a) costs an amount proportionate to the cost of my house, and b) makes a statement. A statement to the effect of, 'I have been having wild, awesome sex with your daughter- who is a moaner, by the way- and whose been keeping my ass in line for the past decade anyway, so I'm more or less family at this point. Wanna be friends?'

Would a diamond necklace with a 24 karat chain do the job? Or is she more of a silver kind of gal. I'm no expert, but I kind of like silver better. I know my mother preferred silver. She had all this silver jewelry that she'd wear absolutely anywhere. Maybe that's why…

Also what about your dad?

He's a fisherman, right?

So how about a brand new, top of the line, fishing boat?

I don't know much about fishing myself, but I could take him shopping and he'll point me in the right direction. Then, once I've got it, I can put in some features of my own, upgrade the engine and crap, because you know their mechanics aren't going to be nearly as good as mine. Am I right, Pep?

Yeah, this should all work out.

…

This uh… This is all hypothetical, you know. Assuming this little stunt I'm pulling ends well.

Which it will, no doubt about that, I'm just throwing it out there because… well, it never hurts to be prepared I guess…

You know what? Just forget I said that.

We need to go somewhere, somewhere just the two of us.

No Stark Industries, no SHIELD breathing down my neck, just you, me and JARVIS's portable unit. I think I have all the bugs worked out of that thing.

I'm thinking Rome would be good, or maybe Madrid. I haven't been to Madrid since that scientific convention where someone spiked the punch and let a billy goat loose in the men's room. What was up with that?

But I digress.

Okay, Pep, picture this: You and me. We're in some sophisticated European country filled with fine culture and all that jazz. You're in some sexy little number with a plunging neckline and a slit up the side of the leg. I see steel blue, that looks real good on you. If you disagree, I am always partial to red and gold, as you very well know.

We're at the very top of whatever famous historical landmark is close by with the world at our feet. Of course, I'm in my suit because otherwise, I don't know how you'd expect me to get you up there. Also of course, I have a tux on underneath so you don't have to be annoyed with me. Awesome as most people would find a date with Ironman, you are not most people. One of the many reasons why you are so much better.

So, after enjoying the view for a while and sharing a long, languid kiss that promises much more later on, I will take you in my arms and fly us across the city to a five star restaurant, where we will have a delicious dinner before adjourning to a more… private setting for dessert.

And that's my plan. I think it's a very good one myself.

And for the record, when I say dessert, I do mean sex. I hope we're clear on that.

Speaking of sex, remember our first time together on the roof?

I think it was a month after that Ivan Vanko thing. Oh boy, Pep, you are the only woman who's ever made me wait for it that long. Not that I'm complaining. Seriously, that was the night of my life! I had no idea that the prim and professional Pepper Potts had such a freaky side. I like it. I like it a lot. I especially liked the part with the chocolate mousse and the blindfold.

Wait, was that the time on the roof or the time on beside the pool that we did the chocolate mousse thing?

I guess the roof. All that chocolate would have been a major bitch to clean out of the pool and I think I'd remember that. It's just that when you're having incredible sex with the same woman for an extended period of time, individual events start to kind of blend together. I didn't know that until we got together, and again, not at all complaining.

Quite the opposite, in fact.

And now I can see you in my head, making that, 'Stop Being A Gigantic Pervert Tony' face. That's a mood killer right there, Pep. I'm just going to replace it with your far sexier, 'You Blew Up The Lab Again Tony What Is Wrong With You The Next Time You Do This I'm Handing In My Resignation' face.

Oh yeah, that's much better.

Boy, do I wish you were here with me, Pep, so I could tell you all of this for real.

Well, more specifically, I wish you weren't on a plane somewhere, most likely watching all this on the news and freaking out, and that I wasn't flying into an alien wormhole to keep a nuke from destroying the entire city of Manhattan. I wish we were alone together, on that date I was telling you about. Or maybe back home by the pool, enjoying some chocolate mousse. And each other.

Still talking about sex, by the way. But also you. In fact, more you than sex, believe it or not. Sappy as this will sound, I would much rather spend a night in bed, doing nothing but holding you, than have sex with every Maxim cover model of the year, all at once.

I hope you realize how serious I am.

I wish I was really telling you all this.

VII.

I just realized, it's only been about a minute since I started talking to you, Pep. Only a minute… feels like longer.

God, I'm starting to sound like a chick flick. Why'd you make me watch them that one night? You're messing with my head when you do that.

And why won't you answer the phone? Jesus, Potts, don't tell me you have it off or on vibrate or something. Are you ignoring me? Did I do something wrong?

It's the 12 percent thing again isn't it?

Pep, seriously, now isn't the time to hold a grudge. Because I just left earth, and I have no idea what part of space this is or if I'm even still in our universe. I just threw that missile into this giant spaceship thing the Chitauri came from and all things considered, it's actually pretty cool. I bet I could design a way more awesome ship, though.

Oh great, the call failed. I don't even know what I'd have said to you if you answered. Repeating all of this would take too much time and knowing you, you'd just interrupt the whole way. It's okay, I know it's just because you worry too much. It still would have been nice to hear your voice again.

I heard your voice when the Ten Rings were torturing me. Did I ever tell you that?

So the ship just blew up and JARVIS stopped functioning and the suit's completely dead… I'm feeling kind of funny.

Maybe I'll close my eyes for a minute. I'm sure silently floating through dead space will lull me off to sleep eventually. I'll try you again when I wake up and we'll make dinner plans. If you're not up for something fancy, there's this Shwarma place I wanted to try. Do me a favor and go look up what it is, because I don't have a clue. I think I'll try it with the guys later on. If it's any good, I'll fly you out and we'll make a date.

Sound good? Great!

I'm getting tired now. Still falling too. How long's it going to take? My head is hurting.

I have to stop now. Guess I'll talk to you later.

…

I love you, Pepper.