We just stand there. Not even staring at each other. That's always how we worked, but now it seems like were million miles apart.
I feel the third seson changed us the most. Alejandro winks at me from his robot suit and Duncan doesn't even flinch. Before if Justin even looked at me Duncan would have done something. Punch the guy. Push him. Anything. Now it's like I can flirt with anyone I want. He won't care.
I have this freedom that I never had. That I always wanted. Now that I have it I want it to go away...
I guess he really isn't mine anymore. He's Gwen's.
I want to break down this wall so bad. I want to be able to hug him and kiss him. I want him to be back to the old him. I want to feel the sparks I use to feel. I want to feel the butterflies that use to be in my stomach everytime we talked. The sparks from everytime we kissed. The tingle that went down my spine everytime we touched.
It's not there. Kind of like that one time during the wedding challenge. When Duncan picked me up I felt nothing.
It tears me to bits knowing that he once cared and now he doesn't. It hurts even worse knowing I caused it. He once gave the world to see me smile. To see me angry. To see me showing any emotion towards him. Now he doesn't care if I cry. He won't wipe away my tears. He mocks me not in a flirty way, but as if he really hates me. Which he does.
This past month alone I surived on memories from past shows and when we were at home. I remembered on Total Drama Action how he got so jealous that Justin had a crush on me. Or how during Total Drama Drama Drama Island he paired up with me instead of anyone else to find the money. Or how I cuddled up to him during the outdoors challenge durning Total drama Island. Or when I first met his parents. Our first date. When we bought Brittnay. Those memories seemed to have just banished.
I never had to deal with this before. It's all new territory. I had never been cheated on, so I never thought it was a problem. I saw the girls in the hallway at school who had been cheated on. I thought it was lame that they would actually admit they were hurt. Now that I know what it feels like, I want the world to know how much I was pained. I wanted to just eat ice-cream, and watch chick flicks. I want to stay up all night talking to a friend. I want to wear black baggy clothes and walk around like a zombie. I want to read romance novels and pretend that I'm the girl that gets everything she wants.
I feel stupid though. I knew it was going to happen all along. He started to change. To pull away. I felt it. I just didn't admit it. He would spend most of his day with me. Then I would only see him once a week. His eyes use to be so bright and full of lust. Now they are dull and full of hate. His hair even had a shine.I always had the urge to run my fingers through it. Now I can barley stand the sight of it. Everything that I loved changed. Everything that used to be mine. He's so different now.
He changed so much. Even I changed. I'll admit I never liked change. But this change seems unbearable.
"So..." he starts. It's almost time to leave home. I have no idea where I'm going. Home use to be were he was. Whether or not we were fighting or not.
"You are a total jerk. Just thought you should know." I say.
"And your so perfect? You know, one time I use to love you. Now your just a total-"
"Says the guy who cheated on me!"
"I tried to say sorry."
I stay quite.
"What is it now?" he asks.
"I don't know if this time sorry is enough..." I sigh. A single tear slides down my face.
"No! Not the crying any more. You use to be the most strongest girl here. You were idepenent. And now you cry everytime I basically talk to you. It's to werid to see you so vulerable and weak."
"That's how you made me feel." I wipe away the tears. To mad at him to cry about him at the time.
"I never wanted to make you feel like that, Court!" I know it's bad, because he doesn't call me princess. Before he used every sentence to call me that. It was his pet name for me. No one used it. He would pummel a guy if he did. "I just needed a break from you! Your protective and crazy. Making those rules. At least Gwen doesn't shove a paper in my face all the time telling me to follow and remember the whole entire thing!"
"What if I was scared of you leaving me?" I yell.
"Why would you be scared?"
"Because maybe you were one of the best things that has ever happened to me! Maybe I actually wanted to be commited to something for once in my life. Maybe it's beacuse you made me feel good about myself. Maybe you made me feel bad and exciting. Maybe you made my life worth it!" I can't belive I actually admited that. It felt good though. I wanted to just get that off my chest. And I'm not stopping. "Maybe I loved being with you and talking to you. Maybe I loved not having to be something I'm not. Not having to be perfect all the time. Because you loved me and thought I was perfect when I was just me."
"Maybe I once actually loved you, and wanted to see this through." Yeah right. I doubt he means any of it.
"But you didn't."
"I'm-."
"Don't say that your sorry. I know you don't mean it." I'm just tired of everyone saying sorry. I'm tired of everyone taking pity on me. I have no respect from anyone anymore.
"I do! You don't think I don't feel bad about this! I feel terrible for all this! I wish it didn't end like this, but it did!" He might be telling the truth. I didn't want to take any chances.
"Whatever..."
"Are we every gonna get back together?" he says. It comes out so... clear. As if he was asking what the day was. It just came out.
"I don't think we can Duncan. It's to confusing."
"So no more of your list." he smiles. He is just such a jerk. I don't even know what I saw in him. Oh, wait. I do. I saw his beautiful blue eyes. I saw a guy that actually had a heart. I saw my prince.
"No more of your peanunt butter and jelly."
Something in his eyes flashes through. Sorrow? Rememberence? I remember clearly.
It was the day we first kissed. He said enjoy a life peanunt butter and jelly free. Now I am. He doesn't have to enjoy a life in prison though. Only a life with Gwen.
"Yeah..."
"Listen, Duncan. I want to leave here. Not your friend or anything. In fact after this I will still hate you." I say.
"What are you talking about?" he asks.
Before I could run away I smack my lips on his. I quickly wrap my arms around his neck. This is my goodbye to him. I could feel warmth and a little tiny tingle. Everything that was ever between us when we kissed was gone. I know I'll never be able to kiss him like this so I savor it. I pull back as soon as it starts. Duncan not capable to register what happened didn't kiss me back. Just stood there.
"What?" he asks with the widest eyes I've ever seen.
"Goodbye, Duncan."