Welcome to Cooking with Muse! Today we have the idol group-
Maki: Wait, isn't this just the A/N? Why are you-
Oh shut up. I'll get to it.
Honoka: Let's just start the show!
Rin: Rin approves nya!
Nozomi: I agree!
Eli: Well... I suppose we should start...
Kotori: Sure, why not?
Nico: Cooking eh? With Nico-nii around, this will be a snap nico~
Umi: For once Nico's right...
Nico: HEY!
Hanayo: I hope we'll be cooking rice...
Damn it, we're out of time. Oh well, I don't own Love Live! (And I'm still busy with my exams but I really want to upload some stories!)
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"A cooking show? Honoka we're school idols, not chefs in the making!" Eli exclaimed after hearing Honoka's plan to garner more fans.
"But Eli-chan, isn't a good idea? People will be able to see us cook, boosting our popularity! Like what A-RISE did when they advertised a sports drink!"
"Didn't boob demon here did that too?" Nico pointed out, holding up a poster with Nozomi drinking a sports drink.
"Hehe~ I remember that one! Anyways..." Nozomi held up a card, flipping it over to reveal the Death symbol. "We should accept. Changes will be coming our way."
"Looks scary..." Kotori muttered, playing with an alpaca plush toy.
"Nozomi-chan is right! Idols appearing on cooking shows is not unheard of! For example there's one idol group that-" Hanayo started, being cut off by Maki almost immediately.
"We get it Hanayo, idols plus variety shows equals to you and rice." Maki twirled a strand of her hair, obviously bored with the flow of events.
"Nya~ Rin wanna eat ramen nya!" Rin stood suddenly up, charging out of the clubroom.
"Then I'll tell the principal we will accept." Umi stood up, took the letter from Honoka's hands and went to the Principal's office.
"I have a bad feeling about this Nozomi... You sure this is a good idea?" Eli turned to Nozomi, who was gulping down the sports drink that she advertised.
"Ahhhh... Drink Ghost Lemonade and your spiritual battery will be charged to the max!" Nozomi said the slogan unwittingly, sending Nico into a fit.
"Nozomi, we all know you love that drink but now's not the time to play around." Maki sighed as she snatched the drink from her hand.
"What? I'm not playing around. Oh and Maki-chan, I didn't know that you want to kiss me indirectly~" Nozomi teased her girlfriend, a smirk on her face. The red-haired student blushed a bright red before gulping down the drink.
"Ahhh... My girlfriend is right, my Nozomi battery is recharged completely~" Maki commented, grinning all the while as she finally got back at her mischief-loving girlfriend.
"Oh man, this is too much! Ahahahahaha!" Nico held her sides which were hurting horribly. Kotori stifled a giggle while Nozomi pushed Nico off her chair. "The heck?!"
"I'm back. The Principal is okay with it. So Honoka, what do we need to prepare?" Umi entered the clubroom, with a soaked Rin firmly in her hands.
"Uh... Ourselves? They'll provide everything we'll need for the show." Honoka replied, staring at Rin like the rest. Rin sensed the attention and answered their burning curiosity.
"Rin wanted to go to the ramen shop near the school but was caught by Umi-chan nya!"
"It's raining. We have to attend this show next week, you can't afford to get sick." Umi chided, lightly hitting Rin's head.
"Nyaaaaaaaa... If you try to stop me one more time, I'll show this to the whole school nya!" Rin took out her handphone and scrolled to a picture with Umi and Nico in a rather indecent position.
"H-How did you get that?!" Nico stood up from the floor, her face burning with embarrassment. Umi dropped Rin in shock as she saw the contents of the picture.
"Wait... Is that... Umi and Nico having sex in the clubroom...?" Eli's eyes widened at the scene. Rin nodded happily and she tucked her phone back into her pocket, satisfied that she made her point.
"I think we're forgotten..." Hanayo whispered to Kotori, who simply nodded in response.
"I hope the show will be just as fun as this!" Honoka commented, watching Umi trying to strangle Rin while Nico is beating Eli up with her bag. Maki simply facepalmed at the chaos in front of her while Nozomi opened another bottle of the sports drink.
"What could possibly go wrong~?" Nozomi asked rhetorically before gulping down the lemon-flavoured drink.
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"Okay I take it back. Everything could go wrong." Nozomi said with a grim tone as she stood beside her teammates for the show.
"Geh, why are you so pessimistic? Not like the show will end badly..." Maki replied her teammate, glancing over to her other teammate for help. "Don't you agree Honoka?"
"Mmf?! Ah, yeah I agree." Honoka sputtered, nearly choking on her bread. The nine of them were split into groups of three, Team HonoNozoMaki, Team UmiNicoPana and Team EliKotoRin. Nozomi sighed at her assigned teammates, going over to the fire extinguisher.
"Alllllllright! We're gonna start the show in a min! Let's ask the participants what they think so far!" A black-haired woman with metal spectacles said, enthusiasm present in her tone. "Nozomi Tojo, let's start from you!"
"Huh? Oh uh... I think that as long as the judge has a tough stomach and we have enough extinguishers, this will be great!" The announcer had a confused smile on her face but said nothing about it and moved on to Hanayo.
"Hanayo Koizumi, thoughts?"
"I WANT RICE!" Hanayo exploded over the microphone, sending the people present in the room reeling from the sudden noise.
"As expected from Muse's rice loving gourmet! Now finally, Kotori Minami!"
"I think that this will allow us to bond even more!" The announcer nodded and turned towards the camera, about to signal the start of the show.
"Well folks, it's time to announce the dish that these lovely nine idols will prepare for our mystery judge! Hit it guys!" The board in front of them flashed continuously, soon stopping at a dish. "Looks like we'll see three sets of sandwiches tonight!"
"Oh sh-" Nozomi swore but was interrupted by Honoka.
"Isn't this great? Sandwiches! It's so easy!" Honoka beamed at the prospect of handling (wolfing down) bread. Nozomi forced a grin and glanced at her red-haired girlfriend, who had the natural talent of sending anything edible into spontaneous combustion. Anything used to make something edible to be more specific.
"What?! I won't botch this, it's just putting ingredients under two slices of bread!" Maki countered as she held a piece of ham, the ham burning into a crisp immediately. "God damn it there must be some flammable liquid on this thing!"
'Yup, 'won't botch this' she said...'
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"Hey mom! The show that sis is on is starting!" Yukiho called out to her mother, who immediately sat beside her daughter. "That was quick..."
"Well, I want to see how my daughter fares in cooking something other than Japanese sweets!" Honoka's mother replied, her emerald eyes trained on the television.
"You know Konaho, I've heard from the Home Economics teacher that Honoka isn't a great cook..." Kotori's mother warned Konaho, who was still smiling.
"Oh Tori-chan, you're just paranoid! Kotori-chan can't cook too!"
"No she can. It's Maki that I'm more worried about to be honest..." Maki's mother heard her daughter's name being mentioned and turned to face the grey-haired principal.
"What's wrong with Maki-chan?"
"Kami... Let's just say, the judge will need a real god to survive your daughter's cooking..." Yukiho shushed the two mothers, snuggling up to her quarter Russian girlfriend Alisa.
"Mama doesn't believe in gods so... well, the hospital is probably on speed dial..." Alisa muttered, worrying for her mother who happened to be the (unlucky) judge. Right now, the channel is focusing on Nico's team which happened to be suffering from personal dilemmas.
"So we're gonna do a rice sandwich with traditional Japanese ingredients to satisfy these two." Nico introduced, pointing to a slab of raw fish and an opened rice cooker.
"Yes, we plan on lightly grilling the fish before placing it in between the rice. Hanayo, please scoop some rice on to the bread." Umi continued, signalling for Hanayo to do her part. "Hanayo?"
"H-Huh?! Oh uh, what was it that you wanted me to do?" Hanayo turned to face Umi, a grain of rice stuck on to her cheek. Held securely in her hands was an empty rice cooker which once contained the rice Nico wanted to use for the dish. Umi gulped while Nico had to use all her energy to control her bubbling rage, scaring poor Hanayo.
"God damn it Hanayo! Now we have to switch our recipe!" Nico fumed, reaching out to grab a slice of bread but was met with nothing. "Hey where the heck is the bread?!"
"Om nom nom nom..." Honoka was seen eating the bread allocated for Nico's team, the leader becoming startled once her rival team glared at her. "Well... I was hungry... plus the rules said nothing about eating the ingredients of others?"
"THEN EAT YOUR OWN TEAM'S!"
"N-Nico, we can change the recipe to something a little different? I mean, this is live so the audience will know why we can't make sandwiches..." Umi suggested, trying to avoid a full blown disaster. Nico sullenly nodded before rummaging the refrigerator for any ingredients.
"Tch. I remember seeing chocolate and tomatoes in here... Why is there only potatoes in this hunk of metal?!" Nico slammed the door shut, holding out two potatoes.
"U-Um... Take a look to your right Nico-chan..." Hanayo pointed to her right where Eli and Maki can be seen eating a bar of chocolate and a tomato respectively. Yukiho and Alisa sighed at what they were watching while the three mothers simply stared in a mixture of shock and amusement.
"I THOUGHT WE'RE PART OF BIBI! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR FELLOW BIBI TEAMMATE?!"
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"Okay, what should we do with the ingredients?" Eli asked, a handprint on her left cheek as she had stolen Team UmiNicoPana's food.
"Well... We have milk, your half-eaten chocolate bar and ramen."Kotori replied, holding up a bottle of milk. "Actually, I think that we can't make a decent sandwich with what we have..."
"No problem nya! Like what my mom always say, if life gives you noodles, make ramen!" Rin chirped, slurping on the provided ramen.
"One, it's 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade'. Second, that's our ingredient you're eating! Kotori, stop your girlfriend!" Eli exclaimed, slamming her fist on the table.
"Eli-chan, we probably don't need to use ramen to make a sandwich... But I do agree that we should really restrain ourselves..." Kotori panned over to Team HonoNozoMaki, which was in complete chaos.
"Nyagreed. But what can we make with milk and chocolate?" Rin slurped the last of her ramen, placing the bowl into the sink.
"Bread pudding. We can make that with milk and bread. The chocolate can be melted into a pudding dip once it's done." Eli said with confidence, a smirk appearing on her face.
"Good idea! I'll melt the bar later! Rin-chan, get us a tray stat!" Kotori ordered, crushing the chocolate bar into smaller pieces so that it'll be easier to melt later. Rin nodded and appeared with a 20 cm x 25 cm baking tray, her left eye badly bruised.
"Rin stole this from Nozomi-chan's group nya!" Rin puffed out her chest, proud of her achievement as she managed to get away from Maki. Kotori noticed Rin's bruised eye and touched it gently.
"You poor kitty... Let the birdie make you feel better okay?" Kotori was about to lean in to kiss the bruise but was stopped by Eli, a stack of bread in her hand.
"Before you make out in front of the cameras, let's bake the pudding first. We can't afford to lose our bread to Honoka." Eli grumbled, unhappy that she was separated from her own girlfriend. Rin and Kotori separated, both sharing guilty looks on their faces.
"Hehe... Sorry. Let's start tearing the bread shall we?" Kotori took out a slice of bread, her hand touching something other than bread. She looked up and was met with baby-blue eyes. "Honoka-chaaaaaaan!"
"Eeeeeep! I'm so sorry! Maki-chan burnt all our remaining bread into a crisp!" Honoka fumbled out, hoping that she'll be forgiven for attempting to steal Team EliKotoRin's share of bread.
Honoka went back with a huge lump on her head and bruises all over her face, thanks to Eli whacking her head repeatedly with the baking tray stolen from the latter's team.
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"Uwaaaaaaah! I didn't manage to steal anything from Kotori-chan!" Honoka cried out, latching on to Maki's body like a teddy bear. "Maki-chaaaaaan! Hold meeeee!"
"Get off me Honoka! Now I can't cook anything at all!" Maki tried to push Honoka away, to no avail. Squatting at one corner was Nozomi, who was traumatised after attempting to salvage Maki's cooking.
"I shouldn't let Maki-chan touch anything... Is this what my cards mean by change...?" Nozomi murmured out, any shred of her sanity soon slipping away as she heard the sound of something burning be it Maki or her rival teams.
"Nozomiiiiiii! Help me! The mushrooms are on fire, the smoke detector is going off and Honoka is still hugging me!" Maki angrily sought for help, trying her very best to salvage their plight. "Hey you! Yeah you, you bloody announcer! Help us!"
"E-Eh?! Well uh... normally I wouldn't mind but... Anyway folks, we have 20 minutes on the clock before our judges taste the dishes! Boy don't they look interesting?" The announcer sweatdropped, her eyes not looking at the burnt substance sitting on the plate. 'Was that black mass wobbling too?'
"Nozomi-chan! Help us! You're the only one that can cook a decent meal!" Honoka begged, still clutching onto Maki's waist. "Please!"
"Wow Maki-chan! Look at this charcoal pudding you cooked up! Now all it's left is to decorate it!" Nozomi laughed maniacally, having lost whatever's left of her fragile sanity the moment the announcer announced the time left to complete their cooking.
"Um, Nozomi...?"
"Private Honoka, get the cheese outta fridge!" Nozomi pointed to the refrigerator, a crazed look on her face which was complimented by glassy turquoise eyes. Honoka let out a small 'eep' before carrying out her senior's order, retrieving what was left inside and handing it over to Nozomi.
"H-Here..."
"Awesome! Now put the cheese in this metal bowl and give it up for Maki-chan, who'll touch the cheese and melt it! Yosh, here you go~" Nozomi passed the bowl to Maki, who complied with her girlfriend's order. Surprisingly, unlike the other ingredients, the cheese didn't burn into a crisp and actually melted.
"Hey uh, Honoka? Don't you think that Nozomi has gone... off the edge?" Maki whispered to Honoka worryingly. Honoka shrugged and scooted closer to Eli, in fear of Nozomi's current behaviour.
"E-Eli-chan? Why is Nozomi-chan behaving this way...?" Eli turned to look at Nozomi, a look that read somewhere in between the lines of 'not again' and 'the hell did you guys do' soon appearing on the quarter Russian's face.
"Just make sure she sees this psychiatrist after this okay?" Eli handed a card over to Honoka, which contained details of the psychiatrist and her number.
"Noelle Miyasaki, psychiatrist that deals with horrible cooking trauma... Wait, what?!"
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"Time's up folks! Let's reveal our mystery judge!" The announcer announced, her hand slightly trembling. Yukiho gulped, stunned at what she had just watched for the past 20 minutes. Alisa was praying for her mother's health while Konaho and Kami made a trip to the bathroom to vomit out whatever they have consumed. The living room had five new additions, Umi's mother Miu and the Yazawa family, who were called over by Toriko.
"Uh... So you're telling me that Lie-san is gonna make a trip to the hospital...?" Kino, Nico's mother, asked. Toriko nodded silently as the sound of two grown women retching into a toilet bowl were heard upstairs.
"Oh I can't wait." Miu clapped her hands with glee, something that is out of character for the elegant woman.
"Hey that's my Mama you're talking about!" Alisa quipped in, not entirely pleased that Miu was looking forward to see her own mother getting food poisoning (or whatever illness that she may suffer).
"... and we have Lie Ayase, mother of one of our participants Eli Ayase! So Ayase-san, what are your thoughts on the dishes prepared in the culinary battlefield?"
"Well, I'm looking forward to sampling the dishes. Although I'll have to warn the nine of you, I won't go easy on my judging. Especially you my dear Elichika." Lie's voice was heard from the television sitting in the Kosaka's living room. It was also at this moment that the two mothers came down from the bathroom, both looking sicker than before.
"Oh the poor judge... I just hope that I don't have to operate on her..." Kami coughed out as she rested on Toriko's shoulder for support. Konaho collapsed onto Kokoro's lap, surprising the girl.
"Kosaka-san, are you okay...?"
"I'm fine dear. Just... Just a little woozy that's all..." Konaho groaned out her current state of health, which reflected some of the participants' state of health.
"Urk... I feel like I'm gonna throw up soon..." Kotori gritted her teeth as she tried to lean onto Rin for support.
"Rin too... Eli-chan, how could you stand this nya...?" Rin asked before vomiting into the sink. "Rin thinks she needs the hospital nyaaaaa..."
"I can't actually. But I don't exactly want to throw up in front of Mama... Nico, how are you holding up?" Eli called across the table, her facial features contorting into a forced smile as she resisted the urge to throw up like her teammate.
"Not good... Hanayo is on the verge of fainting! Why did they switch the damn kitchen lights off anyway?! And since when cooking shows have judges?!"
"Rice... I can see rice floating everywhere..." Hanayo muttered out, obviously hallucinating at this point.
"Eli, your girlfriend is hallucinating! What should we do?" Umi asked, worried for her friend's health. Eli turned to face Team HonoNozoMaki, who was panicking over team issues.
"Nozomi, snap out of it!"
"Y-Yeah! It's all Maki-chan's fault that the food is this disgusting!"
"Yeah it's all my fau- wait what?! You had a part to play in it too!"
"Like what?!"
"You ate all our bread!"
"No I didn't! I only ate five! And at least I didn't cause Nozomi-chan to be like this!" Honoka pointed to Nozomi, who was holding a knife dangerously.
"Oi Announcer-san! Get on with it!" Maki yelled, trying her best to remove the knife from Nozomi's pincer grip.
"O-Okay! First up we'll have Team UmiNicoPana's dish! What are you gonna serve?"
"We'll be serving grilled salmon and mashed potatoes. Due to an unfortunate turn of events, we were unable to make a sandwich." Umi replied, her eyes glazing over to Honoka.
"Vse normal'no (It's fine), let's see how it tastes." Lie took a bite of the salmon, an approving look on her face. "This salmon is grilled perfectly. You also didn't forget to lightly salt it which will help bring out the flavour of this salmon species. Not only that the mashed potatoes serves as a bond between Japanese and Western cuisine, plus it does go well with the salmon. Good job girls!"
"Thank god... Good thing we have you Nico."
"Heh! Super Idol Nico-nii is the awesome-st cook you've ever dated!"
"But you're my first love..."
"Hate to break up the NicoUmi scene, but let's move on to Team EliKotoRin!" The announcer brought all the attention to Rin, who was startled by the sudden flash of lights.
"N-Nya... Too bright..."
"So, Rin Hoshizora what has your team prepared?"
"O-Oh uh... We have prepared bread pudding nya! We can't prepare sandwiches as we don't have anything except milk, bread and ramen nya! The chocolate sauce at the side is an alternative dip for the pudding! Here, enjoy!" Rin placed the bread pudding (which honestly looked more like an omelette) in front of Lie. Lie drank some water before proceeding to taste the bread pudding.
"Wow, this pudding is really sweet. Although I feel that you guys could tone that down, you guys are lucky that it's countered by this bitter chocolate dip. You're saved for now Elichika." Eli heaved a sigh of relief while Kotori and Rin beamed happily.
"A-And finally... We have Team HonoNozoMaki... H-Hold on a sec folks!" The announcer went over to whisper something in a cameraman's ear, the latter nodding his head. "Alright... Nozomi Tojo, what has your team prepared...?"
"Weeeeeeell~ We've prepared a cheesecake since our bread ran out~ It's a bit wobbly, but that adds on to its springiness! Hehe~" Nozomi replied, a glint in her eyes as she brought the plate over to Lie. "Here you go~"
"You seem positive about your cooking. Let's see how does this cheesecake tastes like..." Lie cut open the cheesecake to reveal the black substance inside. "Um... What's this black thing...?"
"You'll know once you eat it~" Lie nodded and took a bite of the 'cake'... and promptly started foaming at the mouth.
"Call the hospital!" The announcer ordered, examining the 'cake'. "See Nishikino-san, this is exactly why I didn't wanna help..."
"It's edible!" Maki popped a small piece into her mouth, her face grimacing afterwards. "Okay, I understand that mushrooms, capsicums, ham, rice and sugar doesn't go well when it's a little burnt but the reaction shouldn't be that exaggerated..."
"Nishikino-san, you need to see a doctor too. The fact that you can identify what's in that clearly shows how warped your tongue is." The announcer coughed out before rushing to Team EliKotoRin's sink to vomit out whatever she has eaten for the day. Maki scratched her head in bewilderment as she saw the two rival teams copying the actions of the announcer.
"Tch... I guess we didn't win huh...?"
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"Hey guys guys! Believe it or not, that show has the highest ratings!" Honoka shouted, holding up a magazine.
"Honoka, that may be true but the headlines on the magazine says otherwise." Umi replied, snatching away the magazine and reading the headlines aloud. "It says 'Cooking with Muse, A Disastrous Heaven'. It's not supposed to sound good..."
"Well, at least they added 'heaven' to it. By the way, it's already a week. Where the hell is Nozomi?!" Nico sighed, reaching out handphone to contact Nozomi. Before she could even do so, she was stopped by Eli.
"She's still at the psychiatrist. You know it's one of the few things that can traumatise her, let alone faze her."
"Really? By the way, where's Maki-chan?" Kotori asked, unable to locate Maki in the clubroom.
"She's at her family's hospital. Apparently her mother really wants to know if her tongue has some mutations or something like that." Hanayo replied, munching on a riceball.
"But Eli-chan, why do you have a card for a specialised psychiatrist nya?" Rin asked, unable to comprehend the fact that Eli knew Nozomi would react the way she did a week ago.
"Well uh..." Eli started but stopped, unsure if she should continue. As she contemplated on revealing the reason, she looked back on the very incident that started it all.
"Hey Nozomi! What should I do with the chicken?!" A chicken that was chopped up until it had to be censored lay on the chopping board. Nozomi saw it and screamed.
"Elichi! What did you do?!"
"N-Nothing! I've simply chopped up the chicken, placed the eggs in the microwave oven to heat them up and the cola into the oven so that we can marinate it later! Why?"
"Elichi, get the sugar outta the freezer!"
"Freeze- wait what?!"
"Now!" Eli complied with Nozomi's orders and took out a jar of sugar from the freezer.
"Now let's dump it into the cola! Elichi, throw that microwave oven out will you?"
"Sure but why...?"
"You exploded the insides my dear Elichi! Heeheeheehee~"
"Uh... On second thought, let's not go there." Eli said with a commanding tone, leaving Rin's question unanswered.
"Awwww..." At this moment, Honoka stood up with the magazine in her hand.
"Look guys! There's a cooking competition for school idols next month! Let's go!" Honoka said with sparkles in her eyes. The rest looked at her with a horrified expression as she started to fill out the application form found in the magazine for the competition. A single thought crossed their minds as they tried to stop their leader from starting chaos all over again.
'She's not remorseful at all for causing Nozomi's/Nozomi-chan's trauma is she?!'
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In case any of you guys are confused over why the Principal said 'the judge will need a real god' instead of just 'the judge will need a god', it's because I named Maki's mother Kami Nishikino. In Japanese, 'kami' means god so thinking of it in a Japanese context... the words will come out as 'saibankan wa kami ga hitsuyo ni naramasu' should she omit the 'real'. Basically it translates to 'the judge will need a Kami' in which it's Maki's mother.
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Maki: I don't burn stuff at all... (There's even proof in SIF Chapter 25!)
Honoka: Enya-chan knows that! She just loves using you as a running gag since you're from a rich family!
Maki: Still... I feel insulted...
Eli: Hey, I'm also a bad cook in the past... (Actually I taught Maki how to cook along with Umi in SIF...)
Umi: It is only to explain why Nozomi had such a trauma in the first place.
Rin: But why of all traumyas choose bad cooking?
Nico: Well, she felt that Nozomi needs an unusual Achilles' Heel, which so happens to be painful memories of bad cooking. (Did Rin just say 'traumya'?)
Kotori: Hmm... So according to that story, she was scarred from the sight of Eli-chan's lack of culinary knowledge?
Hanayo: I think so?
Nozomi: I can't believe that there are people who can't cook in this world! I-I just...
There are you know. (Actually I just made Nozomi like this so as to add on to the humour of the story... It's not even a real reason of trauma so don't go reviewing that I didn't portray a trauma correctly. Please don't, I'm aware that it's not real so no need to reiterate.)
Honoka: Ahhhh... I wanna eat bread!
Umi: Again?! We've lost all our bread to you and yet you-
Eli: Calm down.
Nico: No you shut up. We've lost everything, from our stack of bread to our sole chocolate bar. Why the hell-
Kotori: N-Nico-chan! E-Eli-chan! S-Stop!
Nozomi: Uh... I have a feeling that my cards meant 'change' at the end...
Rin: Nyagreed...
Please review and criticise this story!
Honoka: I want- *Gets knocked out by a pot*
Hanayo: B-Bye! (Oh my god Eli-chan and Nico-chan are beating each other up!)