Dr. Beverly Crusher stormed into her room and threw down the data PADS from under her arm. She watched as they clacked across the floor, but felt no guilt at loosing her temper. An intense scream built inside. Nothing had gone right on this trip, nothing at all. Here she was, giving lectures and trying to act as a professional in her field and all she could do was think of him. She pulled a pillow form the couch and gave into the urge, screaming her anger into the cushion. Tossing it away, she flopped out onto the couch.
"It's my rotten own fault," she admitted aloud. She had brought this on herself. But it was still infuriating. Correction—he was infuriating.
She remembered that conversation like it was yesterday. Jean-Luc had approached her after their away mission on Kesprytt and made his feelings very clear to her, and she had pushed him away—again. Well, she just wasn't ready. She valued their friendship, that was true, but mostly she was afraid of screwing it all up and loosing him. I mean, they'd been friends for so long, what if it didn't work? She would loose him entirely then, and she had come to depend on him so much. Value him so much.
No, she had made the right decision. But, it was so hard to watch him at these functions, talking with other women that were, very obviously, attracted to him. And he would be friendly back, and then there would be dinner, and he would undoubtedly approach her and say, "what do you think of her?" And that is when the trouble would really start. Not between them, but inside her, the part of her that wanted to show him how she felt. To yell at him and say, "What about me?"
It seemed like every time she turned around there was some new woman ready to take him from her. "Stop it!" she yelled at herself. "You did this, and you made the choice. You don't have him, so there is nothing to take away."
A bath was what she needed. She undressed and quickly stepped into her shower. It was cramped, not like in her own quarters back on the Enterprise, but it did the job. She began to relax immediately, putting the day's trials behind her.
Tomorrow the seminar would be wrapped up and end in the ceremonial dinner and dancing and then the next day, back to the Enterprise and her safe routine of seeing patients. Throwing herself into her work was always a comfort, enabling herself to forget her own troubles.
She got out of the shower, and made ready for bed, disregarding her waiting dinner. She was too tired to eat, anyway. As she lay down, nearing sleep, her mind wandered through her day. Suddenly, she began to picture the last lecture she'd attended, and Jean-Luc, sitting at the side of a very beautiful brunette commander, smiling and listening to her with complete fascination. His blue eyes twinkled at her in appreciation.
"Aaaaah!" She pulled the covers up over her head and willed herself to sleep.