This is my way of coping with the last couple of episodes. It has being one hell of a ride. And can we just give an award to Shane and Maggie? I mean really, they were amazing!
Enjoy :)
Phantom limb syndrome (def.) - perception of sensations, usually including pain, in a limb that has been amputated.
Pain woke him up, again.
Hand clenching the covers of the makeshift bed, he had to remind himself how to breathe. He forced his lungs to take deep breaths. It could help.
In and out, in and out.
It didn't.
"It is not there. It can't hurt." He whispered to no one.
Michael knew pain. God knows it had been his fuel for so many years. It had become his friend rather than his enemy. He welcomed it and lived off it. Until one day he had something else to live for.
He got out of bed before he could change his mind. He was positive that pain was getting the best of him but he needed to be home with her.
When his hand found some relief he headed to the garage.
He didn't even bother in changing clothes. He just drove off.
It took him a few more minutes than usual to get there. The entirety of the ride he was trying to convince himself to turn around and go back to his solitude.
His brain might be giving the orders but his body did not listen.
The moment he stepped a foot on their house all the emotions he was trying to suppress came crashing on him.
It left him breathless. It reminded him of what they used to have. That normality he wouldn't be able to get back.
A life that he was forced to leave behind.
Standing a bit straighter and blinking the tears off his eyes he made his way to her.
He couldn't bare looking at her yet but he needed to be close. So he just settled on sitting down on the edge of his bed turning his back to her.
She felt the bed shift and a sudden fright came upon her. Nikita was not one to be scared but the moment she saw him, she was terrified.
Not daring to move an inch she just whispered his name. Wondering if she might be hallucinating or dreaming about that silhouette in front of her.
"I can't sleep because I feel pain in a part of me that no longer exists." He said flatly.
"I'm going crazy. It doesn't let me breathe or think or rest. It's a constant reminder of what I lost. I'm not specifically talking about a limb here" He muttered with his gaze fixed on his lap.
She moved carefully and sat down behind him letting her legs rest on either side of him. She pressed her cheek against his back. Her hands tightly gripped around his abdomen. Her body aching to be close.
"I couldn't come home because I don't want to trouble you. I don't want your pity. I don't want you to be worried about me. I don't want to be a burden." He spoke through clenched teeth. Forcing himself to be as stoic as possible.
She just turned her head slightly and kissed his back, giving him courage to let everything out.
Truth being she wanted to shake him until he realized how absurd his argument was. But he was finally talking, so she restrained herself from doing so and waited for the right time to cut him off.
"I meant what I said earlier. I don't blame you. I'm not mad at you. I'm just mad at this crappy situation. Things will never be the same. I'm sorry for being such an ass today. You don't deserve that... " He chuckled humorlessly just to distract the tears from falling.
"You don't deserve this." He finally said as he attempted to unclench her hands from his core.
In one quick move she spun around him and sat on his lap. Stopping him from going anywhere. Leg straddling him. Hands forcing his face to look at her eyes.
"Hey hey hey, listen. You are right. You are absolutely right. We don't deserve this. But it is what it is. I know that this is the most difficult thing we've had to deal with but that does not mean we can't find a way. Together" She said with a low voice and warm eyes.
She was tenderly stroking his cheek with her thumb while she continued.
"I've made a lot of mistakes throughout my life. I've regretted a lot of decisions I've made. But this.." She tapped the prosthetic hand with her finger. "is something I'll never regret because this is the reason you're still here with me and not blown into pieces"
He averted her gaze for a second. He desperately wanted to feel that it was going to get better. He didn't want her to see the fear in his eyes.
She read him like and open book though.
"I'm terrified too." She continued without taking her hands off his face.
"This is a second chance within the million second chances we've had. Things will change. Things will be different. But you and I.." She motioned between the two. "We'll face those changes together. I love you too much to let something, or the lack thereof, come between us."
"I still need time" he muttered with pain in his voice. "it's not that I don't want to let you in, or that I'm trying to push you away, it's just..." he scoffed at his inability to verbalize his feelings.
He closed his eyes for a second before continuing. "I need to figure out how I'm gonna deal with this by myself before I can think of us" he glanced at the prosthetic with disgust. "of us and this".
Tears already stung the corner of her eyes. She was hurting. She still felt guilty. She wanted to fix this. She couldn't though. She knew where he was coming from. This particular battle he had to fight for himself. At least right now.
"I understand. But know that I'm here for you. I'll back off but you can't expect me to walk away and not look back. You are still my fiancé, one handed and all." She smiled warmly. "I'll be your right hand whenever you want me to be, okay?"
He gave her one of his well rehearsed half-smiles and brushed his fingers along her jaw.
Slowly, as if asking for permission, he closed the gap between their lips.
Just a bare taste of her and he melted. He cursed himself for shutting her out.
"Again, I'm so sorry for being a jerk back there" He looked at her apologetically
"It's all good."
"Although it did bring up one good thing." He looked up at her.
She held his gaze quizzically, nudging him to explain.
"The trigger, I've found it. I kinda had the idea that you were it. I mean back there in medical when you were touching the palm, the fingers kept trying to hold your hand. It was the only time it moved that much"
She was beaming at him."Really?"
"Yeah. Even out there in the field it wouldn't cooperate. I couldn't even make a fist when Owen was provoking me. But, as soon as I realized I'd hurt you, it closed completely. So, it's either you or self loathing" He said half joking.
"Hey hey don't joke about that." She scolded him. "I'm so glad it's starting to work out for you."
"Well, baby steps."
"So," Her eyes were sparkling and she raised her eyebrows slightly . "I can still push all your buttons huh? Even for your robotic hand." She whispered with a husky voice.
He cleared her throat. This woman sure knew what to say and when to say it.
"Oh you have no idea." She chuckled before he pecked her lips again.
"Care to join me to bed?"
"Will do my love"
His lips met hers once more before pulling her closer for a hug. He buried his face on the crook of her neck and took in her sweet smell. He was starting to see that so called light at the end of the tunnel.
He knew things were still rather shaky and far from being okay. But, things didn't seem as impossible with her between his arms.
It was going to be hard but he'll be damned if he doesn't make it work.
There you have it. Hopefully this will ease your shipper heart a bit. The angst it's killing me personally.
Reviews are love 3 even if they are constructive criticism ;)
Adriana.