When Marissa was little, she could fly.
It was her favorite thing in the world, besides jelly beans. Her father would pick her up, swing her around, toss her in the air and catch her until she shrieked with joy.
She doesn't weight much more now than she did back then. But she can't fly anymore. After Caitlyn was born her father got too busy to help her fly. She misses it; the rise, the quick breathless moment at the top just before she fell, and the gorgeous drop down into open hands. She tried to recreate the feeling on Summer's trampoline, and fast carnival rides, but it wasn't the same. Drinking gave her that familiar floaty ease and the drop in the pit of her stomach, but the landings were always too jarring.
For a while she hoped Luke could help her fly. But even after 6 years, she never trusted him enough to leap. Never fall in love with clenched-fisted ones, she read once in a poem. Luke's fists were always clenched. And until Ryan showed up he never really bothered to look at her. Like he just assumed that she'd fall into his grasp, without any action on his part. Without even opening his hands.
And she clenches her own fists now when she thinks of Ryan. She doesn't know if she's more angry at him for not trusting her, or at herself for… for what, exactly? She's not sure; she feels stupid, and naïve, and a little guilty, but she doesn't think she's actually done anything wrong. But he's pulled away and looks at her warily now, and she digs her nails into her palms when he doesn't meet her eyes.
She's sure if she tries hard enough, she can learn to fly again. This time she doesn't need anyone's help. And this time, she won't come down again. She'll stay up there. Leave it all behind.
She almost did, once. In Mexico. It almost worked then. She won't fail again.
The bottle of vodka is fresh out of her mother's freezer, still cold against her thigh. She rolls the pills around in her palm. Smooth and bright like jellybeans. She used to close her eyes, put a jellybean in her mouth, and try to guess the flavor in the giddy moment as her teeth crunched down on it.
She closes her eyes.
I'll fly again, Marissa thinks. Just spread my arms and go.