I don't own KnB. All rights to the owner.
WARNING:
This is a crack-fic. It is unbeta'ed. This is my me, I've been on hiatus for like... months.
Akashi
"Stop right there!"
The police were chasing a red haired boy. Not your typical "red-head", his hair was literally RED. Not only was his hair freaking red, he was way too short for your average highschooler. Was he even in high school? The police didn't even know. But the thing you're probably wondering is why was the police chasing this boy? Well, if you saw him trying to stab someone with scissors, were you just going to ignore? I hope you wouldn't because you would be a complete sadist.
"My father will hear about this!" The red head boy said waving his scissors around as he tried to outrun the police. He was doing surprisingly well. "Then he'll sue you and YOU will get arrested!"
The police sweat dropped. This boy was getting on their nerves, running in about 5 different directions in the past 7 minutes. They almost hit a woman and her child when they were chasing him. Hell, they hit a boy with blue hair. They didn't even see him! Luckily the boy wasn't hurt and they continued their chase for the scissor crazy child.
The police then got out of their car, because they almost hit another person. Jumping out and calling for back up, the chase continued. Jumping over trash cans and…cats, until they finally cornered the red head near a dead end.
"Stop in the name of the law!" They took out their pistols and aimed it at the boy.
The red head coughed and began talking. "You… you just couldn't let me go could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You are truly incorruptible aren't you? You won't kill me because of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't kill you because…you're just too much fun. I get the feeling that you and I are destined to do this forever."
The police paused and stared at the boy for a good 10 minutes. Until a police man spoke up.
"Isn't that a Joker quote from Batman?"
The police looked back at the boy. He had his scissor in his hands with a strange glint in his eyes.
"You peasant. You weren't supposed to foil my plans!" And with that, he started attacking the police with his scissors.
And that concludes the daily life of Akashi. His father would clear up the confusion. He was always his father's boy after all.
XXXXXXXX
Aomine
"DAIKI."
Aomine got up from his bed. His room, full of basketball magazines and those magazines. The scratched his head, and picked up the gravure he was reading before he fell asleep. Yawning, he opened his mouth a yelled out a loud response. "WHAT IS IT MA?"
Stuffing all his gravure magazines into his backpack, he quickly snatched his homework from the table beside him. His mom then opened the door with a slam. Aomine looked up from his work. "Whadda you want ma? I'm doing my homework."
His mom gave him a long hard glare. His wasn't good. He knew these weren't good because he had gotten tons of them from Akashi when he was in middle school when he failed a class. Then a bunch more from Kuroko when he accidently called him short. Now that he thought of it, Akashi would look up from his work when he called Kuroko short as well… Was it instinct? He didn't know. Probably because they were both short.
"Daiki, what was this doing on the kitchen table?" His showed him his new magazine. Of Mai-chan. Aomine's eyes lit up. So that's where he placed it! But then those eyes stopped sparkling when he saw the look on his mom's face. "So Daiki, care to explain?"
"It was dad!" He quickly responded. Stay calm… stay calm… That was all he needed to do. His mom would believe him right? "He always brings these home and stores it under your bed." He laughed it off. His mother stared at him again.
"Your dad is in America, idiot."
Aomine instantly paled. Well he wasn't sure if his mom able to tell, cuase of his tanned skin. "Hehe…" He gave her a small smile. This was bad. "It was an old issue?"
"You mean the one that came out yesterday?" She pointed to the issue date. "Then please explain the date Daiki. Or did this come out in the future." She looked like Akashi number two now. He swore he could see her eyes changing color.
"Yea?"
"Should call Satsuki over? Or maybe your old captain, Akashi-san was it?" His mother plastered on a sickly sweet smile. He was going to die. Akashi or Momoi, it didn't make a difference. His mother tossed him his phone. He was going to die today. If you are reading this, please make a shrine for our Aomine and decorate it with Mai-chan pictures.
"Hey…Akashi?" If he wanted this to be over, might as well get it over fast. A stab from the scissor and he was done for.
"What is it Daiki. I quite busy right now."
"Hehe…can you come over my house... my mom wants you to kill me with your scissors…" Please be merciful today. Please be merciful.
"Tell your mother that I can't kill anyone right now. My father has to clear up my history today. It seems that I have been involved in too many killings. I only tried to kill someone by biting them twice because I didn't have my scissors. Now they're calling me a dacnomania. Humans, I swear…"
There was a awkward silence until Akashi hung up.
"I'm calling Satsuki now."
XXXXXXXX
Midorima
"MOM, SHIN-NEE TOOK MY TOYS!"
Little sisters, the best tattlers there ever were.
"DAMMIT I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR TOYS! Don't tell lies to mom!" Midorima shouted as he glared at his sister. His sister had the nerve to stick her tongue out at him. So disrespectful. She was worst than Takao, and that was pretty bad. "Plus, they're today's lucky item! Cancers have the next to last worst luck today! But today Aquarius has the worst luck today… I wonder how Kuroko's doing."
Somewhere, a light haired boy sneezed. And caused a citywide shut down because a woman screamed and everyone else started screaming after. All he wanted was a vanilla milkshake. Life wasn't fair.
"Shintarou! You shouldn't take your sister's toys! I raised you better!" His mother yelled from the other room. His sister gave him smug look and snatched the toy back. Oh she was gonna get it.
"Hey, remember when you tipped into the mud when you were little, when we were at the petting zoo?" Midorima asked, pushing up his glasses. His sister stared at him darkly.
"And what if I do?" She asked her brother.
"Well I still have pictures of it. Should I give it to your friends?" Midorima asked smugly. "I will if you don't give me my lucky item sis." He took out his phone and unlocked it. "I'll give you 10 seconds."
His sister's eyes widen as she tried to snatch the phone away. Too bad Midorima was so tall. The two siblings ran around the living room. Midorima had an evil glint in his eye while his sister was trying to get her pride back.
"Ha! I got your lucky frog thingy!" His sister held up his toy frog he had finally gotten replaced.
"DON'T YOU DARE BRING KEROSUKE INTO THIS!" The greened hair boy yelled.
He took out his phone and aimed for his sister's head. Throwing and making a swishing sound, the phone hit his sister's head, making her drop the frog onto the carpet. And also knocking her out.
"Hah! That's why my shots never miss. Because I follow fate!" Midorima let out a chuckle. Then he went to receive his phone, only to find that it was cracked.
'I never knew my sister was such a hard head!'
XXXXXXXX
Murasakibara
"Sorry, we're out of Nerunerunerune…"
The storekeeper said as she slowly looked at Murasakibara. She couldn't tell how he was feeling because of his air covering his face. She started to sweat nervously.
"Uh… sir?"
"NERUNERUNERUNE IS JUSTICE!" The giant yelled as everyone in the store silently looked at him. He started rambling about the ingredients in the "most holy candy."
"Sir, if you don't stop screaming, I will have to call the manager…" The clerk said, fearing for her life. Who would have thought she would die from a giant purple-haired baby?
The boy stood still then reached for the closest thing to him, a hammer. He threw it at the window and started raging about his candy. The store clerk stared in disbelief until she was hit with the hammer. Why did a grocery store sell hammers? The world may never know.
The people rushed around screaming something about a criminal. The clerk from behind the counter called the manager then pulled the handle that said "EMERGENCY". The light started flashing red and soon, the store was on lockdown.
But the purple haired giant still rambled on.
The manager soon appeared and tried to calm everyone down. The boy threw another hammer at the manger. But he dodged. Soon, it became a game.
..
A WILD STORE MANAGER APPEARED! BATTLE START!
MURASAKIBARA: 300 HP MANAGER: 100 HP
WHAT WILL MURASAKIBARA DO? ATTACK RUN BAG
MURASAKIBARA USED "HAMMER"!
THE ATTACK MISSED!
STORE MANAGER USED "CALL 911"!
IT HAS NO EFFECT….
WHAT WILL MURASAKIBARA DO? ATTACK RUN BAG
MURASAKIBARA USE "TACKLE"!
MURASAKIBARA: 300 HP MANAGER: 0 HP
THE WILD MANAGER FAINTED!
..
After the attack, Murasakibara took one step. But then the police came!
..
A HORDE OF WILD POLICE APPEARED! BATTLE START!
MURASAKIBARA: 300 HP POLICE: 50 HP
WHAT WILL MURASAKIBARA DO? ATTACK RUN BAG
MURASAKIBARA USED "RAGE"!
IT HAS NO EFFECT…
THE POLICE USED "ARREST"!
IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!
THE BATTLE IS NOW OVER.
..
With handcuffs on, Murasakibara was lead to the police cars. Moans of "Don't wanna…" and "I'll crush you…" were heard from the giant. The police didn't care. They just wanted to get it over with.
So they drove him to the police station. Gave him a trial. And put him in jail. End of story.
Soon, he was in a jail cell, with no food. Kicking the wall, crying, and rolling on the floor was done to get the police's attention so he could ask for food. But it was all in vain. His parents and brothers and sisters came once, facepalmed when they heard the story. But they soon left.
Later, he got a new cell mate.
"Ah. Atsushi, what a surprise."
Sure enough, it was the red-headed captain of Teikou. "So what are you here for?" The captain asked the giant baby.
"I hit someone with a hammer." He said while rolling on the ground. "What about you Aka-chin?"
"I hit someone with my new car…. On purpose." The red-head replied, quite proudly. "So Tetsuya, why are you here?" The red head captain asked as both of them randomly noticed the shadow.
"I caused a city-wide shutdown. Again." The boy sighed. "This low presence is a blessing and a curse." Kuroko then looked over to where Murasakibara was lying. Keyword: was. "Ano… Akashi-kun, where is Murasakibara-kun?"
"He got bailed out by his team." Akashi said calmly.
"Oh."
"So how about we break out of here. Remembered the hole Daiki and Ryouta dug when they got arrested for reading porn in public?" Akashi asked the phantom man.
He got a simple reply. "Sure, why not?"
And this all happened in one day.
XXXXXXXX
Kise
"Ano… Kise-kun is not here. He is in the hospital…" Kuroko said blankly.
"Yes, Ryouta cannot tell us about his fantastic story." Akashi nodded.
"Who cares anyway… It's just the blonde puppy…" Aomine said yawning.
"Nanodyo… What a pathetic excuse for a miracle." Midorima said stubbornly.
"Well it was a miracle how he managed to live after the incident…" Murasakibara said.
So the story went like this…
3...
2..
1.
(Sing to the Melody of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Raindeer")
Kise got run over by some fangirls
Walking home from our house on Akashi's Birthday
You can say there's no such thing as Kise
But as for us Miracles, we (don't) believe (either)
.
He'd been drinkin' too much egg nog
And we'd begged him not to go (well, it was to go…)
But he'd left his medication
So he stumbled out the door into the snow
.
When they found him the day after
At the scene of the attack
There were footprints on her forehead
And incriminatin' fangirls' marks on his back
.
Kise got run over by some fangirls
Walkin' home from our house on Akashi's birthday
You can say there's no such thing as Kise
But as for us Miracles, we (don't) believe (either)
.
Now we're all so proud of his team
They've been laughing at this so well
See them in there, watchin' basketball
Drinkin' beer (Pocari Sweat) and playin' cards with his sisters
.
It's not Akashi's birthday without Kise
All the Miracles dressed in black
And we just can't help but wonder
Should we take his gift for Akashi or throw it in the fire?
.
Kise got run over by some fangirls
Walkin' home from our house on Akashi's birthday
You can say there's no such thing as Kise
But as for us Miracles, we (don't) believe (either)
.
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of pig
And a blue and silver candle
That would just have matched the hair in Kise's wig
.
We've told all my friends and neighbors
Better watch out for yourselves
They should never give a license
To a man plays with scissors
.
Kise got run over by some fangirls
Walkin' home from our house on Akashi's birthday
You can say there's no such thing as Kise
But as for us Miracles, we (don't) believe (either)
XXXXXXXX
Kuroko
He tripped on a land mine. It didn't explode. He sighed.
"Gotta find another way to blow up the world…"
Happy Birthday Akashi. I hoPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY killing people.
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