Track 9: Will
I won't try to explain what I cannot understand. It's a bird; it's a plane; it's a one night stand. If only we could ride far enough, I'd forget you altogether; it's a bluff; there is no way I could not remember.
Inexplicable attraction… maybe it wasn't so inexplicable after all. I was a hormonal, brash teenager, and you were my commanding officer. You were something forbidden; everyone knows those are the things we want most. Of course, I was forbidden to you too, wasn't I? I can feel you touching me even now, phantoms of caresses and rougher strokes. I can remember the combination of pain and ragged pleasure, the pressure of you, and how you went away after it was all over. You were my first, and my second, and my third… I lost count after that. It hurts to remember, and I'd love to be able not to. Not everything is as simple as wanting, though.
Don't ask me what I came here for; it is too delicate for words. I used to want to make you talk; now I would rather you did not.
I'm honestly not sure what I thought I could accomplish by dropping by. Maybe it was just to see your nauseating smirk one more time… or maybe to watch it disappear from your bastard face. I used to try and coax the conversation out of you…'pillow talk', I guess. I told you so much I thought I would never be able to tell anyone, because I guess I thought I should be able to be honest with the only person I'd ever slept with. Then, you were honest with me. It was a truth I didn't want to hear, but I suppose I needed to hear it. After a while, your truths morphed into mere insults and derisive comments. I felt those physically, viscerally. It was all I could do to hold my tongue when all I really wanted to was shout 'shut up'.
I don't mind if you read while I'm coming. It's alright if you need the TV to keep from noticing my mind going blank; what's the worst thing that could happen? Is my back all that bad? Strike the match and watch the doll come open.
It's fine…I'll just bare my body and my soul for you, it's just peachy if you ignore me while I do. I apologize from the bottom of my heart that I got so boring for you after a while that you knocked out some of that novel you've been finishing, you know, just while you're fucking me. Bottoming for you almost felt like this huge privilege... god, I was stupid. You ignored me, but I still appreciated you for being there, with me, next to me... I'm such an idiot. I must have been desperately lonely.
Don't ask me what I want from you; it is not something you could purposely do. I used to want to make you mine; now I have better things in mind...
You aren't capable of being the kind of person I need or want. I want someone who can help me through the rough patches of being me, not someone who could only make me feel guilt. I want someone who I can love who can love me. I don't think you're capable of truly loving anybody but yourself. It's amazing that I you used to want you all for myself; now all I want is to see you leave and never come back.