A 'doctor in the photo' shot.
Originally posted as a one shot in my 'The story in the songs' series, but since I want to keep that one light and fluffy...
Disclaimer: don't own the show or the song.
What Sarah said
by
'death cab for cutie'
I unfolded the already wet paper one more time to check the address, and watched the old building in front of me. I didn't care it was raining, nor that I was getting wet. All I wanted was answers. I needed answers. I stepped out on the street, determined to get some, when I noticed the fluorescent marker in the middle of the street was broken. I bent down, and carefully ran my fingers over the crack, and in my heart, not my mind, I suddenly realized what had happened.
I didn't notice the lights of another car coming around the corner as the realization hit me. I didn't hear the sound of his horn, nor the screeching of his breaks until it was too late. I closed my eyes and waited for the impact.
"Bones!" I suddenly heard a familiar voice shout from across the street.
I smiled. He was there. He still cared. But he would be too late this time. And still, I smiled, because his voice would be the last thing I heard before I died.
But as I waited for the impact of the car to hit me, I was suddenly slammed down on the ground from the other direction. Confused I was still alive, I opened my eyes, only to widen them in terror at the sight in front of me.
Booth, mere inches from my side, his hand still resting on my back where he had pushed me out of the way. If I didn't know him so well, and knew he always had that crease between his temples, I might have thought he was asleep. But one look at him, and the car a few feet away, told me he was not.
"Booth!" I cried as I scrambled up and took him in my arms, desperate for him to answer.
But he didn't.
"Booth!" I cried again, but this time, it wasn't more than a sob.
And as I sat there, in the streaming rain, a dying Booth in my arms, waiting for the ambulance, I did something I never thought I would. I prayed. It didn't matter I didn't believe in God, because he did. It didn't matter that according to me, that if said God had existed he could have prevented this, because he wouldn't have wanted me to think that way. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. All that mattered was his shallow breathing, and I was asking God for just a little more time.
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Hannah was there as we arrived at the hospital. Reluctant, I let go of his hand, and stepped aside so she could follow him as far as she was allowed, accepting that was her place now, and not mine.
I just stood there, in the middle of the hallway as they wheeled my partner, my best friend, and I now realized, the love of my life away from me. I directed my gaze to the floor, my shoes, as the first tears started to spill.
After a few minutes I took a ragged breath as I pulled my phone out of my pocket and started to call our closest friends. I didn't want to do this. I wanted to be there, with him. Why did I have to do this? Why couldn't I just follow him like I had always done before? Wasn't this case bad enough? Wasn't seeing my partner get hit by a car before my eyes bad enough? Wasn't realizing I loved him as he was together with another woman bad enough?
And although I wasn't with him in that room, I could feel him slipping away. Away from me.
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that out memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
I sunk into a chair, my head falling into my hands as tears streamed down my face. I was vaguely aware of a nurse putting her hand on my shoulder and asking if there was anything I wanted, anything she could get me. I looked up, and eyed my surroundings. Plastic chairs and a table with old journals, a coffee machine and a water cooler. Nothing that I wanted was in that waiting room.
As I sat there, I tried to remember all the times we had been here before, Booth in the hospital, and still pulling through, and it irritated me I couldn't remember. More tears formed in my eyes as I realized there were so many things about our time together I couldn't remember.
And still, I could not make myself regret those times. They made me hurt now, more than if we had just stayed partners like we told everyone around us, but I could not regret the drinks or the late take-out, nor the feeling of his arms around me in another 'guy-hug'.
I looked up again. Cam, Angela, Hodgins, Sweets,… They were all there, eyes trained on the ground. Nobody spoke. I wondered if this was how they had sat right after when Booth was shot last year or during his brain surgery. I wouldn't know. This had not been my place then.
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
that "Love is watching someone die"
And as I stood and started to pace through the waiting room I was angry. Angry at him for taking that bullet for me so long ago. Angry at him for making me believe he was dead. Angry at him for taking that hit from the car now. Angry at him for being him and always wanting to be a hero. Angry at him for making me love him. Angry at me for never telling him. Broken, cause there might be a chance I would never have the chance to.
Suddenly the door of his room opened, and everyone's head snapped up as a nurse made her way to our little make-shift family in the waiting room. "I'm sorry." she said, and something in her eyes told me she really meant it. "But it's not looking good."
"I can't stay here." I suddenly heard myself say. But it was true, I couldn't. Again, I felt the nurse put her hand on my shoulder.
"Love is watching someone die." she said softly, misunderstanding me. She thought I didn't want to be here, in the hospital, while I didn't want to be here, in the waiting room. I wanted to be there with him, in his room, holding his hand, saying nonsense, like 'everything is going to be alright', even if I had no idea of knowing that.
So who's going to watch you die?
Suddenly I heard the door of his room open, and my head snapped up to see a crying Hannah storm out, an apologetic look on her face.
"I can't." was all she sobbed as she practically run for the exit.
There was no silent negotiation as I looked at my friends and colleagues around me. No agreement as I made my way to the room, 'cause they knew there was no stopping me. I silently stepped inside and took a deep breath before crossing the threshold. Wordlessly I made my way to the bed, took his hand in mine and silently sat down in the chair beside him.
"I'm so sorry Booth." I whispered, all previous anger left in the waiting room. "I'm…" I took another shuddering breath before I looked up again.
"I love you Booth" I suddenly said. There was no peak on the hart monitor, no silent cracking of his voice as he told me he loved me too. No soft squeeze of my hand or a thumb run across of it. Nothing to suggest he had heard me.
"I love you." I said again, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably as he still didn't respond in any way. And that was the moment I knew. The moment I knew the Seeley Booth I loved was no longer here.
So who's going to watch you die?
I looked around me. Padme was clutching Jared's hand, while Hodgins arms were so tightly clutched around my best friend, I wondered if she could stand on her own. Cam 's normal smiling and joking face was serious as she watched one of her oldest and strongest friends now looking so small and vulnerable. We had all agreed Parked shouldn't be here. He shouldn't see, remember his father like this. I took a shuddering breath before fixing my eyes on the bed in front of me as well.
His head was covered in white gauze, which still couldn't entirely hide the tubes draining a white fluid away from his brain. His tanned skin had gotten a grey shade, which was even worse around the tubes stuck inside his arms. A small tube disappeared inside his throat.
All I could see as I looked at the bed in front of me, were tubes and a shadow of a man I loved.
There was no sound of breathing. Only the screeching of a pump every time it went up and down. There was no sound of a steady heartbeat. Only the beeps of a life supporting hart monitor. There was no life. Only death.
The nurse I had seen so many times over the last two months stood silently next to the breathing machine. A slight nod from Jared, so small I would've missed it if I wasn't waiting for it, expecting it, made her turn and touch a few buttons, pull a few switches. More tears streamed down my face as I heard the monitor flat line before she killed that last switch too.
So who's going to watch you die?
That nightmare had been haunting me ever since Jared had told me the doctors were asking him about donating organs and killing the life support. That had been one week ago. Neither of us wanted to make that decision. Both of us knew the chance of Booth ever waking up again, was smaller than slim, and still, we could not just pull the plug. I was sitting next to his bed when Jared walked in. "Could I have a minute?" he asked me. I looked up, face blank. Without a word I stood and left the two brothers alone. I took a seat in the waiting room I now so despised only to look up as Jared exited Booth's room a few minutes later. It was obvious he had been crying. "Are you okay?" I asked him, though I knew none of us had been okay since the accident two months ago. He nodded. "I asked him what he wanted me to do." he said as he fell down on the seat beside me. "I know he wouldn't want to keep living like this, if this is what you call life. Possible brain damage, motor deficits, a wheelchair. And that is if he ever wakes up." I remained silent. I too knew Booth would not want that. "But I also told him I couldn't do it. I just can't." Jared sobbed beside me. I did not put my arm around his shoulders, or take his hand or give any word of comfort. I did nothing but cry silently beside him, because I knew what he meant; I felt what he was feeling.
When I heard my phone ring in the middle of the night, I closed my eyes before answering it, already knowing what the message would be. Booth had made his own choice. I guess, deep down, he had still been there to listen. And still, deep down, he had to be the hero.
In memory of Erik Deschacht.
Happy 23rd birthday, Erik!
'A picture tells a thousand words'
Ze vertellen jouw verhaal
Voor het licht ze verschroeit
De collage nog niet af
Kijken we omhoog
Voor een laatste moeizaam portret
De zon als jouw flits in onze ogen
Je kamer blijft nu donker
Niet zelf de shoot
Wel je laatste shot gekozen
Rust nu maar
Voor altijd
Ingekaderd in ons hart