"You're sure that's where she'll be?"
"Well no, I'm not sure." Williams rolled her eyes at him and Kaidan sighed exasperatedly. "Look, I- She mentioned this bar in Shalta Ward one time. One of her old Captains bought it after she retired and- Shepard's not exactly gonna go to Chora's Den or Flux is she? I just figured-"
"Well I think you're right Kaidan," said Garrus. "That's where I'd go."
"Then why are we still stood here?" growled Wrex. "Let's go."
"No hang on," Ashley had a strange glint in her eyes and a barely concealed smile playing on her lips. "We should get back to the ship for um… calibrations and stuff. Kaidan can deal with Shepard."
"I don't do calibrations" said Wrex "I don't-"
"Yes." Williams' eyes widened. "But don't you have that report to do?"
"What are you-"
"You know, the report. The very urgent one. We'll go back to The Normandy and LT-" she jerked her head in Kaidan's direction, entirely unsubtly. "-can go and find Shepard alone."
"Oh, right… the report."
"Yeah, we should um… go and… stuff" said Garrus.
Ashley shot him a wicked smile followed by a conspiratorial wink and he stared dazedly at his three crewmates as they walked away. Of course he knew exactly what they were doing; Ashley had been teasing him about the Commander ever since she had joined their crew. He told himself that he'd not said anything to them because he'd been so surprised by the turn of events, but a nagging little voice (a nagging little honest voice) told him that he'd stayed silent because he wanted this chance.
Shit.
Shit shit shit.
Yeah, okay- he wanted this and had done for a long time. But when he'd imagined it- and he had imagined it- he hadn't thought it would come right after such a grim mission. As if the revelations about Cerberus and Akuze hadn't been enough, watching Toombs die like that- by his own hand…
Shit.
The bar hadn't been hard to find; there weren't many human owned bars in Shalta Ward and most of them were trying far too hard to fit in. They were all neon lights and dancing Asari, whereas this place… well, it was a bit of a dump really. But a cosy kind of dump- a good place to go if you wanted to be alone.
None of the patrons looked up when he walked in, nor did the bartender, a moody looking Turian. The place was dark, but deceptively large. Regardless, it didn't take him long to spot Shepard, tucked away in a booth in the corner, her blood red hair still standing out even in the dim room. She was clutching a glass of something strong.
"Permission to sit Commander?"
Shepard looked up, a little surprised and for a second he fully expected her to tell him where to go. But she didn't speak, she just nodded and gestured vague consent. "Drink?" she said simply, already signaling the bartender to bring over two more glasses.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked tentatively, not sure what the protocol was for this situation- or even whether there was protocol. Shepard closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the faded leather of the booth.
"About what?" she said bitterly, opening her eyes as she sensed the Turian bringing their drinks. Kaidan muttered a thanks, not moving his dark eyes from her grey ones as he strained for something to say.
"Whatever you want. Whatever it is that-"
"So you can fix me?" Shepard very nearly spat out the words then downed her fresh drink in one gulp. "Like I'm some weak little girl who just needs a guy to take the pain away?" Her words stung even though reason told him the alcohol was partially responsible.
"Shepard, if you want me to go I understand." He moved to stand and in a split second Shepard had seized his hand in both of hers. He stared, utterly stunned, for a couple of seconds, noticing how pale her hands were in comparison to his. Like his, they were soldiers hands; calloused from hard years of service. And yet this touch sent incomparable shivers through him. This was the first time they'd actually touched outside of a combative or medical setting and it was… remarkable. Kaidan settled back into his seat and her grip loosened, but thankfully she did not let go.
"Kaidan, I-" the anger was gone "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."
"I know" he said sincerely, understanding that she needed to hear it. "It's okay Shepard" He brought his other hand to lie on top of hers and squeezed gently. Very soon after, Shepard withdrew her hands and though he mourned the loss of their contact, her brief, weak smile was more than adequate compensation. He smiled back, hoping that his features would not betray his feelings.
"So do you wanna talk or just drink in the dark? Entirely up to you."
"Hmm," she thought for a moment. "A bit of both maybe?"
"Whatever you want."
Shepard tilted her head, examining him. "You're way too kind for a guy who spends all day in firefights."
Kaidan shrugged a little. "I don't know about all day. I get to write reports, monitor the crew, tease Joker-" that earned a smile. "-and talk to you of course." Shepard took a breath. Perhaps he'd been too unprofessional and made her uncomfortable- or perhaps it was something else. He didn't know, but he knew what he hoped.
A few awkward seconds passed, seeming to stretch into minutes, until finally-
"You gonna drink that or what?" Her signature smirk let him know they were okay, but this wasn't a subject to be raised again. He laughed quietly and followed her lead, downing the liquor in one. "Guess you got distracted playing therapist huh?"
"Hmm, Doctor Kaidan Alenko." He mused. "Doesn't sound too bad."
"I prefer Lieutenant, but whilst you're in character… what would you like to analyse?" She was smiling, but a little sadly.
Kaidan thought for a moment, wondering what he should say and settled on the obvious- Shepard wouldn't appreciate him bullshitting her. "How are you coping with what happened to Toombs?"
"Straight to the point eh Doc? I like your style." She sighed deeply, staring down at the table again. "Not particularly well… I can't decide if him doing it himself makes it better or worse. It was his choice… but all that shit that led him to it… that wasn't. It makes me wonder if maybe it would have been better if-" she stopped mid sentence.
"If he'd died on Akuze and not had to suffer everything that came after?" It was a risk, but it paid off.
"Yes. Is that a terrible thing to think?" She whispered, looking back into his eyes.
"No." He said instantly. "It's natural to have thoughts like that. It's awful, it's agony, but it's normal. Do you remember what you told me after Eden Prime when I asked how you how to cope with soldiers in your command dying?"
"I told you… That you honour their sacrifice and vow to do better next time in their memory." She said with a sigh. "You can't quote my words back at me. That's cheating."
"Doesn't mean it's not true."
"But there are just so many of them." Shepard tensed again. "Mindoir, Akuze, Eden Prime, Toombs, a few dozen other innocents along the way… At the risk of sounding like some sort of self-indulgent megalomaniac, it's like… like a bad sniper is trying to take me out but hits the people around me instead. And there's fuck all I can do about it so I just wonder who's going to be next. Joker? Ashley? You?" His heart was slamming into his ribcage so fast that he expected her to hear it. This time, it was him that reached across the table. He thought he detected a microscopic tremor as he took her hand in his.
"Every soldier signs up knowing the risks Shepard."
"And Mindoir?" the intensity of her gaze increased. "Civilians? Farmers, families, children? Why am I still here when so many of them are gone- everyone I knew, my friends, my family." Shepard closed her eyes against the faintest hint of tears. Commander Shepard didn't cry. Commander Shepard was fearless. But Commander Shepard was…, in the end, human. He was desperate to slide in next to her, to hold and comfort her- but that would be precisely the wrong thing to do.
"Shepard…" he whispered. "None of that- none of it- is on you. And I know I probably can't convince you of it, but God I wish I could, and I'll keep trying even if you order me to stop because it's the truth and-" carefully, he paused "because I care about you."
Shepard opened her eyes and gave him a gentle, but strange, look the meaning of which he could not fathom. He pushed on anyway.
"It's not fair that those people died, but it's not fair that you have to feel this way either. I know it's not as simple as balancing out the numbers- but think about all the lives you've saved. All the people who are a little safer because you're out there fighting for them. You'll never forget the ones you've lost, but try to remember the ones you've saved." He thought for a moment, then decided to take his chances. "You're not in this alone Shepard. We're here. I'm here."
He waited for her reaction, and eventually she let out a long, slow breath, her shoulders dropped, body loosening as her eyes softened.
"My sister used to say that." She said quietly, much less tense now. "'You're not in this alone'"
"I didn't know you had a sister." His tone was gentle, but a little surprised.
"I had two."
"Tell me about them." Shepard shook her head. "Sorry," he said quickly. "I shouldn't have-"
"No," she interrupted his hurried apology. "Not now- I can't…" she smiled ever so slightly. "But ask me again another time." He smiled back and nodded.
"Well, I have to swing by Cipritine Armory," she rose from her seat. "I'll see you back on the Normandy Kaidan."
He knew he should be focusing on the jobs he still needed to do before returning to the ship, but he could not help but turn to watch her walk away, feeling sparks shoot through him after she called him by his first name.
Idiot. You've made this so much worse for yourself.
Yeah, he had. But he was pretty sure he'd helped Shepard- something far more important. Of course now that they'd had this moment, he knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself from replaying it in his head, wondering if had meant half as much to her as it had to him and if he'd ever get to hold her hand in his again…
Shit shit shit.