if you never let go, you'll never know what it means to swim.
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Maya looked down at the drawing that she was working on. After a couple hours of sitting at her desk, she had only added a few lines to the otherwise empty page. She was supposed to draw something that told something about who she was. She thought that she would draw Elm Street since growing up on Elm Street had been such a big part of her life. However, she just couldn't focus. Her mind may have been willing, but but her heart was full of something else—something that was eating away at her.
"Maya, stop it," she was surprised to hear herself say out loud. It was March now. She should be well over what had happened on New Year's Eve.
She felt as if there was a battle taking place inside of her. Her mind was begging her to forget, but her heart just wouldn't let it. Thinking it over again wouldn't change what had happened, but perhaps it would quiet her aching heart. It had all happened on what had promised to be the most exciting night of her life. She and Riley had planned an evening out that would end in Times Square watching the ball drop. They had always watched the ball drop on TV from the Matthews house, and now for the first time they would see it in person. All of the people they loved best would be there-Lucas, Farkle, Maya's mom, Shawn, Corey, Topanga, Auggie, and even Josh and his girlfriend Emily. The night had began wonderfully with games at the Matthews house and dinner at a hole-in-the-wall Chinese place Shawn loved followed by hours of strolling the streets. Their laughter and hilarious antics earned stares from passersby, but it had been so fun that they didn't care. By the time they finally reached Times Square, it was packed. Maya had been shocked by the beauty of it all, from the building lights above, to the colorfully dressed people that surrounded them. Right before the ball dropped, Maya had closed her eyes with the thought that this was happiest that she would ever be. Then, she had opened her eyes to see Josh pull Emily in for New Years kiss. The pain she felt in that moment was deep and intense and had not stopped since.
It was something that shouldn't have been a big deal—seeing your best friend's uncle kiss his girlfriend. She had even seen Josh kiss a girl before. However, this was different. That moment at midnight, Maya had known that this was it. Emily and Josh were here to stay. They would get married and live happily ever after. Maya knew that it would be perfect for Josh, but she had always hoped that she would be the one that he kissed at midnight, shared his secrets with, and showed off to his friends. Now, she knew that that would never be. She may not have been in love with him, but she knew that wanted to be with him forever.
From the day that Maya had laid eyes on Josh, she had known that he was a special person. When Topanga had introduced her to him as Riley's best friend, his smile had been so warm that Maya had felt at home. His smile had nstantly calmed all of her nerves about being far away from the city and her mom. The next few weeks were nothing but fun. Josh had included she and Riley in everything that he did. They had played board games in his treehouse, had epic Xbox basketball tournaments, and even caught bugs in the backyard for Josh's collection. It was such a happy few weeks that as much as Maya missed her mom she didn't want to go home. Josh was just too kind. He made Maya feel so special. There were many people in her life who cared about her, but they just didn't have the time to spend with her. She often felt that everything else in life was more important than she was. With Josh, it was different. He spent time with her, and it was clear there wasn't anything else that he would rather be doing. She had never felt as important in her entire life as she had during that those few weeks by Josh's side.
Maya had spent the entire year looking forward to the next summer, and the few weeks that she'd spend in Philadelphia with the Matthews. And she wasn't disappointed. They had even more fun than the year before. They took trips—to Gettysburg, the river, and to the park for picnics. The Matthews' world was special, she decided. When she was with them, she forgot about how her mom's boyfriend called her stupid, the nights she cried herself to sleep because she was missing her mom, and the hardship of spending her afternoons and evenings with grumpy Mrs. Cox next door. She felt so happy, so free. If only she could live forever with the Matthews in Philadelphia, her whole life could be as happy as those few carefree weeks. But young as she was, Maya knew that it was impossible. So she cherished every day that she spent with Josh Matthews, and then began counting down the weeks until next year's vacation the day she got home.
Riley had been so shocked when Maya announced that she was not going with them on vacation the year that she had turned ten. But Maya was determined. She had an image to protect, and she was determined not to look like a clingy moocher. And as much as it hurt, she kept her word. However, she spent the entire time during what would have been the vacation alternating between smiling about the memories of the past years and crying about how much she missed Josh. During the quiet moments of the next few years, Maya found herself thinking about Josh, wondering what he was like now, what he'd say to her when they next met. She even found herself wishing for a locket so that she keep his picture close to her heart.
One day just before she turned thirteen, Maya had been overjoyed at the news that Josh and the family would be down from Philadelphia. The happy days of the past would come her way again. She was so excited that she had a smile on her face that wouldn't go away. She still treasured that special December day. She would never forget going up and giving Josh a bear hug and hearing him say that she had grown up gorgeous. She was so happy that he remembered her and was impressed with who she had become. It was that night that it had hit her that if she married Josh he could be in her life forever. And so after she had gone home, she had looked out the window and wished on the only star that she could see that she would marry Joshua Matthews.
The next years had brought Josh often to the city. Maya relished the chance to get to know the older Josh. Despite the fact that he clearly wasn't interested, she firmly believed that if she waited long enough he would be. She really wasn't interested in dating if she couldn't date Josh, so she had just pushed all the guys who were interested in her during middle school aside. At Riley's insistence, she finally tried dating in high school. However, she could never get herself excited enough to want to go on a second date. The guys just weren't Josh, and he was worth waiting for.
And then on New Year's Eve, everything had changed. Maya had been stuck on it for the past two months. She was happy that that the question of Josh was finally settled, but walking around with what felt like a stab-wound that wouldn't heal was no fun. Overall, she just felt confused about who she was and what she said was doing. Her life felt as gray as the February skies outside her door room window. Worst of all, she couldn't focus on her art at all.
"This was it, " Maya thought to herself. "I'm calling Shawn." When she had left for college, he had told her to call her anytime. While she usually talked to him once week, she had never brought up Josh or her disappointment. It just felt easier to keep it all to herself, but now she knew she needed help. She wanted to become the best artist she could be, and constantly reliving New Year's Eve was getting in her way.
She grabbed her phone from her desk, took a deep breath, and clicked on Shawn's number. If there was anything Maya was not, it was not indecisive. She heard the ring on the phone and felt her heart speed up to its pace.
"Hello?" Shawn answered.
"Hello, it's me, Maya."
"Oh, hey, girl," he replied. Maya was sure she could hear the smile in his voice. "How are you doing?"
"Alright, I guess. I'm busy working on a drawing of the street where I grew up for art class."
"Or has your afternoon been more like sitting around listening to music and surfing the internet with an empty piece of paper sitting on the desk."
"Well, you might not actually believe this, but I just got up from my desk to call you. And the paper is not completely empty. It's got probably a half a dozen lines on it. How's your day going?" Maya countered, trying to sound like her normal cheerful self.
"Busy. You know, one of those days when you have a blog post and article due plus a set of pictures from yesterday's shoot to edit. And then I promised your mother I'd take her out to dinner tonight."
"Oh, yeah, I have days like that too. Today wasn't half so bad. I had classes this morning, and I just have that one drawing that's due tomorrow," Maya replied trying to keep herself calm. She felt her resolve slipping-it would be so much easier to keep it casual.
"Uh, Maya are you okay?" Shawn's words broke the silence of Maya's thoughts. "I'm glad whenever you take me up on my offer that you can call me anytime, but you rarely call on Wednesday afternoon. What's up?" he was suddenly serious.
Silence reigned for a few minutes.
"Maya, you still there?" Shawn said gently. "You don't have to tell me, but I'm here if you want to."
Well, it's not that big of a deal, but I've been kinda thinking a lot about Josh and Emily lately."
"Oh yeah, Josh and Emily. Are you feeling okay about it?"
Maya hesitated. The easy path out would be to just fudge, but she had called Shawn specifically to get advice. She took a deep breath and began. "Well, I know this sounds kinda weird. I don't think I've ever told anyone about it before, but I guess I was kinda thinking that I'd marry Josh someday. When I saw him kissing Emily on New Years, I just was sure that it was never going to happen. It's just hard because he's so special."
"You're right, Maya. I see them ending up together too. I'm sorry. I really am. Maybe not right now, but someday you're going to be okay and be so much stronger for having gone through this."
"You don't understand. He's been there for me since I was six." Maya struggled not to cry. "He really cared about me, and every time I saw him I swore I'd make sure he was in my life forever."
"I know what you're talking about, Maya. It was like that with me and Angela. I spent my whole childhood wondering if I'd ever have what Corey had and once he met Topanga if I'd ever find love like theirs. And then I met Angela. She genuinely cared about me and helped me pick up the pieces of my broken life. And then, she chose going with her dad instead of staying with me. I remember feeling like my life was over that day. I swore off love. I told myself that adventure was enough and that girls were nothing more than a pain in the neck. In time, I realized that the problem was not with the girls but with me. Angela may or may not have had the best intentions when she broke up with me, but the fact that I was unable to move on was my own fault. I had been so focused on how I couldn't be happy without her that I didn't realize who I was and what I had. I had the ability to swim, but I was so busy trying to hold on to Angela that I felt like I was drowning. And I think that's what you did with Josh. You got so caught up him and what he had that you haven't realized who you are and what you have."
By now, Maya was crying. "But Shawn, I needed him. I really did," she managed to get out. "My childhood was just so lonely."
"I know, Maya, that's why you did it and why I did it. Take a step back. Look at your life. I know it's not perfect, but think about the loyal friends you have—Riley, Farkle, Lucas, and those you've met at school. And then, you've got your mom. She's not perfect but she's a special lady. She's worked so hard so that your life would be better than what hers was. Look at your life. You made it into art school, and you're making As and Bs learning what you love. I am so proud of you, Maya, you need to hear that. You need to stop seeing yourself as needier than you are. You're afloat. I've known since I met you that you were going to go places, and you will. You just need to let go and swim."
"Thanks, Shawn," Maya replied quietly.
"I mean it-every word. And I'm so thankful to know you. Listen, Maya I really have to go. The article's due at five. But call back tomorrow and we can talk about it some more."
"Ok, I will. Bye, Shawn," Maya said choking back the tears.
"Bye, honey, goodbye luck on that drawing I know you've got it."
Maya dried her tears. She felt ready to start on the drawing again, but she wouldn't draw her street-that would be drawing the broken pieces of her past. Instead, she would draw herself swimming-overcoming the the many hardships of her life and making the most of what she had.
Author's Note: Since it doesn't fit that Maya would be fourteen in "Girl Meets Masterplan", I wrote her as thirteen here instead. Also, this is my first time writing for Girl Meets World, so hopefully Maya, Josh, and Shawn are in character. If you watch Austin and Ally, you may want to check out my Austin and Ally stories.