The voice message on my answering machine says I don't own any Archer characters. Just some more madness on what Archer did while he was locked up in San Marcos. You know what to do, leave it.
Call Me
"I spy with my little eye…" Gustavo Calderon the former dictator of San Marcos looked around his prison cell. "Something that begins with the letter W."
"Wall," Both Archer and Juliana said from their respective cells, clearly bored out of their minds. They were disheveled and their clothes were dirty. Archer already had a full beard protruding from his face.
"I spy with my little eye…" Calderon looked around. "Something that begins with the letter B."
"Bars," Both Archer and Juliana said at the same time.
"I am sick of this stupid game!" Juliana barked.
"Well excuse me for trying to keep our spirits up!" Calderon barked at his ex-wife. "I don't see anyone else coming up with suggestions!"
"We could have sex through the bars again," Archer suggested. "This time I go first and then…"
"No! Besides we did that about thirty minutes ago," Juliana waved.
"Well then you think of something for us to do!" Calderon barked.
"Typical. I have to do all the thinking around here," Juliana growled.
"Here we go!" Calderon threw up his hands.
"Come on Juliana give it a rest!" Archer groaned. "That's all I've been hearing is you two bitch about each other since we got locked down here! I'm getting stir crazy! I'd even welcome a visit from my mother!"
"It is rather odd the woman hasn't come to visit you at least once," Calderon remarked. "I mean she's only a few flights of stairs above us. There's even an elevator."
"I know! She can't take ten minutes out of her drinking to visit me!" Archer barked.
"Oh give it a rest," Calderon groaned.
"We've been hearing you do nothing but bitch about that since we were locked down here with you!" Juliana put her hands on her hips. "Her, Cyril and that pregnant girlfriend of yours."
"Well technically she's my ex-girlfriend who I'm trying to get back together with but I think this time she might not be willing to listen to me," Archer groaned. "Long story."
"Does it involve you cheating on her? Because I think I can guess the ending," Juliana groaned.
"Oh like you are one to judge," Calderon grumbled.
"Excuse me?" Juliana glared at him.
"We all know that Archer isn't exactly the first man you cheated with!" Calderon snarled. "Sleeping with other men is your hobby! You slept with me to annoy my father and now history is repeating yourself!"
"Well you really shouldn't have married her dude," Archer said. Juliana glared at him. "Just saying. It's not like he couldn't see what was going to happen."
"I spy something with my little eye beginning with an A!" Calderon said. "Adulteress!"
"I would have guessed asshole!" Juliana snarled.
"Okay! Okay! We get it! You hate him! He hates you! And as usual I am not to blame!" Archer barked. "Ugh I have had it. Oh I know…I can look at some pornographic pictures stored on my phone." He took out his phone. "Man I've got some good ones of Lana when she didn't know I was…"
"Wait we've been down here for over two weeks and you had your phone all this time?" Juliana barked. "We could call someone for help!"
"Who?" Archer asked.
"I must have some men who are somewhat loyal," Calderon spoke.
"If they were loyal wouldn't they have sprung us out by now?" Archer gave him a look.
"I said somewhat loyal," Calderon corrected. "I could probably bribe them or something."
"With what?" Juliana snapped. "You spent almost all our money on that tone deaf whore!"
"Do not call Cherlene a whore!" Calderon snapped.
"If the whore's shoe fits…" Juliana barked.
Archer made a loud whistle. "Break it up! We have bigger problems. And sorry Juliana but technically Cherlene isn't really a whore."
"Thank you," Calderon folded his arms.
"I mean she's definitely a slut," Archer said. "Skanky, yeah kind of. Tramp, big time. Promiscuous to the point where I suspect it's crossed over to nymphomania but not a whore. A whore has sex for money. And Cherlene is not that kind of girl. She's the kind of girl who has sex for free with anyone who will choke her. And I mean anyone."
"Really?" Calderon blinked.
"Yeah she's had sex with pretty much almost everyone man," Archer said as he scratched his unkempt hair. "Me, Cyril, Krieger, half the guys from the office, a rogue cyborg, a few enemy agents, and possibly Pam. So even though she's slept around a lot, she's not technically a whore."
"I don't really care," Juliana barked. "That bitch ruined my marriage!"
"Oh yes, she was the reason," Calderon grumbled. "Nothing to do with you sleeping around with other men."
"I wouldn't have to sleep around with other men if you paid more attention to me and were able to satisfy me!" Juliana snarled.
"Good God woman you're insatiable! I tried everything and I mean everything!" Calderon barked. "Archer you've been with her! Back me up here!"
"Actually yeah you are kind of hard to please," Archer added.
"Thank you!" Calderon snapped. "So it's not just me."
"No and quite frankly I'm kind of relieved," Archer said. "I mean I was killing myself the first time and…"
"Excuse me! If you done criticizing me don't you think we have other priorities?" Juliana snapped. "Like escaping?"
"Oh right. Wow I can't believe how good the reception is down here," Archer remarked as he checked his phone. "Look at all these bars."
"Give me the phone! I know who to call who can set us free!" Juliana ordered.
"Wait first let me check my messages," Archer said.
"You have to do that now?" Juliana barked.
"Well they get backed up really fast," Archer snapped. "And besides what else do we have to do around here?"
"He has a point," Calderon said.
"I'm surrounded by idiots," Juliana groaned.
"You have…115 messages," The voice box for the phone's answering machine said.
"A HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN MESSAGES?" Both Juliana and Calderon shouted.
"Well it has been three weeks since I checked," Archer shrugged. "I guess I really should check these more often."
"Unbelievable…" Juliana groaned as the messages started to play.
BEEP!
"STERLING YOU IRRESPONSIBLE! AGGGGGH!"
"Oh my mother," Archer shrugged. "I wonder what she was so mad about? Not that it matters because she's always mad."
BEEP!
"Sterling Archer pick up right now you idiot!" Mallory snapped. "I swear what kind of moron has a greeting like that?! Remind me to never call you again!"
"Oh if only that would really happen," Archer sighed.
BEEP!
"Sterling Mallory Archer…"Mallory snarled into the phone.
"Told you," Archer said.
"Call me back right now mister! I mean it!" Mallory snapped. "I have enough problems dealing with my husband walking out on me, the Coke-y Monster, The kooky Hitler clone and his hologram girlfriend, the stupid country singing diva and the pregnant spy whining about her future all the time! I don't need the headaches you give me! Do you hear me mister? Sterling…"
BEEP!
"Why do you hate your mother so much?" Mallory groaned again. "What did I ever do to deserve the treatment you give me?"
"What hasn't she done to deserve it?" Archer groaned.
"Call me back now!" Mallory snapped.
BEEP!
"I told you to call me back!" Mallory snapped. "Why haven't you called me back? NEVER MIND! GO ROT IN HELL YOU UNGRATEFUL…"
BEEP!
"Sterling Archer this is Dr. Dremor from the Center For Disease Control. Congratulations, you have a new strain of Venereal Disease named after you! Thanks for letting us study you as the first official case of Archer Syndrome. Or as we call it around the lab a case of the Archers."
"Could have used a heads up about that before we had sex!" Juliana barked.
"Oh like that never happened to you!" Calderon remarked. Juliana glared at him.
BEEP!
"Sterling Archer this is Phil from the Pharmacy. Good news! You now get a twenty percent discount on all your medications. It's the least I can do with all the business you send me. Oh and great news, they came up with a new drug to combat Archer Syndrome already. So if you ever get another case of the Archers, it's on the house!"
BEEP!
"This is Trinette ya puke! You're officially behind two months on child support payments! You better pay up soon you bastard or else I'll see your ass thrown behind bars!"
"Too late for that," Archer scoffed.
BEEP!
"This is Jeff Jiggerston of the Toronto Zoo calling Sterling Archer. Will you please stop calling us every week to talk to Baboo the Ocelot? It's getting annoying!"
BEEP!
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Mallory's angry voice was heard. "Call me back! Now!"
"Not gonna happen," Archer quipped.
BEEP!
"Sterling! I told you to call me back! Why haven't you called me back you inconsiderate man whore?" Mallory snapped. "And stop these ridiculous phone pranks! They're not funny!"
BEEP!
"Sterling Mallory Archer if you put half as much thought into your work as you do in these insane voice mail messages you would actually be good at your job! Call me back! NOW!"
BEEP!
"Why did I ever have you?" Mallory's voice was heard again. "Seriously you are the worst, and I mean the worst son in the history of sons! And I'm counting that Roman Emperor who stabbed his mother in the uterus! I can't believe I raised such a disappointing little…"
"And she wonders why I never call her back," Archer rolled his eyes.
BEEP!
"Hi Sterling. It's Jane. Guess what? I beat breast cancer and my hair has grown back! So call me…"
"Ooh Scatterbrain Jane. Good to know," Archer nodded. "Hey guess who's got a date when he gets out?"
"Good for you," Juliana said sarcastically.
BEEP!
"Archer this is Jeff Chapman. Remember we used to work together at that illegal spy agency your mommy ran? Listen not only didn't you show up to be a pallbearer at Brett's funeral the rest of us surviving agents still haven't gotten those back payments your mother promised us! We were promised money and we aim to collect!"
"Brett's funeral? Was I supposed to go to that?" Archer blinked.
"Apparently," Juliana groaned.
BEEP!
"Listen pal I may just be a telemarketer but even I don't deserve this abuse!" A man spoke into the phone. "I QUIT!"
"Good one less of 'em," Archer said.
"What exactly is your message on your answering machine?" Calderon asked.
"I change it up a few times," Archer shrugged. "Just having a little fun."
BEEP!
"Sterling Archer this is Carol! After that immature thoughtless message you can forget about a second date ever again!"
"Who was Carol?" Archer blinked. "Was it Office Carol, Bar Carol, Stewardess Carol or Carol from the Agency? Man I really should keep a journal or something about all the women I sleep with. If only to tell them apart."
BEEP!
"Uh hey Sterling this is Sarah. I think you may have given me a case of the Archers. Just a head's up."
"That's a thing already?" Archer blinked. "Wait which Sarah was that?"
BEEP!
"Archer this is Mandy. Look my husband has been going through my messages so could you do me a favor and take my phone number off your phone? It's really important that he doesn't know what happened with us. He kind of has a temper. And few guns."
BEEP!
"Sterling Archer this is your tailor. Your new travel khaki pants are ready and we need to discuss your tab."
"Oh right this was just before we went off to Columbia," Archer remembered. "Damn it. I knew I forgot something."
"You forgot to pay the bill?" Juliana gave him a look.
"No, I forgot to pick up my new pants," Archer said. "Oh yeah and that other thing."
BEEP!
"This is Pat's Ping Pong Palace regarding your order of a case of Ping Pong Paddles. There seems to be a problem with the delivery and we are holding your order until you call us back with your new place of residence."
"Oh I was wondering what happened to that," Archer said. "Guess that's on my To Do List. I tell you I go through at least seven or eight paddles a year. It's just easier to order by the case."
"You play a lot of ping pong?" Calderon asked.
"No, he doesn't," Juliana sighed. Calderon looked at her. "Don't ask."
BEEP!
"This is Al's Alcohol Barn. Your account is overdrawn…"
"I thought I paid that," Archer fast forwarded to another message.
BEEP!
"Who the hell is this?" A man's voice shouted. "And why does my wife have your number on her phone? Hello? Hello?"
BEEP
"Sterling pick up!" Mallory snapped. "We need to talk about your spending my money! Money we don't have! CALL ME BACK NOW!"
BEEP!
"YOU CHARGED MORE MONEY TO MY BLACK TITANIUM CARD?" Mallory shouted. "MY CARD HAS BEEN CANCELLED BECAUSE OF YOU…YOU LITTLE…"
"I am starting to see why your mother let you get locked up," Calderon groaned.
BEEP!
"Archer. This is Trinette! Again! Call me back! You owe me a lot of dough for child support ya puke!"
"You have a child?" Juliana raised an eyebrow.
"Oh the kid isn't really mine but I got stuck with child support," Archer said. "Funny story really. Short version, if you ever have to switch blood samples to get out of a paternity test make sure you don't use blood from the actual father."
BEEP!
A man's sigh was heard. "That was weird," Archer blinked. "Must be a wrong number."
BEEP!
"Archer this is Rodney Whosits! I need you to contact your mother and ask her about the money she owes us former employees from ISIS! Some of us are living on the streets now because of her! If she doesn't come through with that money there will be consequences. Legal consequences!"
"Douche!" Archer grunted.
BEEP!
"Sterling we need to talk," Mallory sighed. "Somehow some of the former ISIS drones got my number and…Why am I even bothering to call you? You never answer your messages! Never mind! I'll take care of this myself! As usual!"
BEEP!
"Since you never answer your phone anyway and odds are you won't hear this message," Mallory was heard. "I have only one thing to say. You are a bitter disappointment."
"Right back at you Mother!" Archer barked.
BEEP!
"This is your former landlord Archer. I'm telling you right now you are not getting your deposit back. Ever! And I'm going to sue you! How do you get lemur vomit all over…?"
"Eh not important," Archer fast forwarded the message.
BEEP!
"Archer, Pam got loose and is eating what's left of the cocaine again!" Krieger was heard. "We need you to AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
BEEP!
"Sterling where are you?" Mallory snapped. "For crying out loud this is why I can never count on you for…PAM GET AWAY FROM THAT COCAINE!"
BEEP!
"OUTLAW COUNTRY! WHOOOOO!" Cherlene was whooping. "I LOVE THESE RAVES!"
BEEP!
"Archer you bastard! Where the hell is my money?" Popeye was heard shouting. "You better get your white pasty ass back here and pay up! Got it?"
BEEP!
"Sigh…" A man's sigh was heard then the phone hung up.
"Another wrong number I guess," Archer blinked.
BEEP!
"Sterling for the love of God pick up!" Mallory was heard again. "I need to know what you did with that cocaine! Sterling! ANSWER ME! SO HELP ME IF YOU LOSE THIS SHIPMENT I WILL PERSONALLY…."
BEEP!
"WHOOO!" Pam was heard yelling and the sounds of a rave was going on.
BEEP!
"Archer for the love of God if you are going to do phone pranks at least don't connect them to the security system of the house!" Krieger was heard yelling. "It's not funny!"
BEEP!
"OUTLAW COUNTRY! WHOOOOO!" Cherlene was whooping and the sound of a rave was going on.
BEEP!
"RAVE ON BITCHES! YEAH PAM IS IN THE HOUSE!" Pam was heard yelling as a rave went on.
BEEP!
"OUTLAW COUNTRY! WHOO!" Cherlene whooped at another rave behind her.
BEEP
"WHOO HOO!" Pam whooped. "I LOVE THIS!"
"You're just calling for the God damn rave music aren't you?" Krieger was heard yelling. "WILL YOU STOP…?"
"I THOUGHT YOU DISCONNECTED THE SYSTEM?" Mallory was heard yelling.
"I DID! ARCHER MUST HAVE A BACK UP CONNECTION SOMEWHERE!" Krieger shouted.
"Actually I had three back up connections," Archer smiled. "Oh that's a great prank!"
BEEP!
"Sterling…OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Mallory yelled as the sound of a rave was going on. "THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT!" The sounds of a gun being fired was heard.
"Oh that explains all the bullet holes in the wall," Archer nodded.
BEEP!
"Archer please pick up," Lana's voice was heard. "Your mother is going into a meltdown. Cherlene and Pam are bouncing off the walls. Krieger has this crazy look in his eye and is beating up the security system. And with this baby coming…Archer just please…I need to tell you something important. It's about the baby. You see…"
BEEP!
"Huh? I wonder what she wanted to tell me?" Archer blinked. "Eh it can't be that important."
BEEP!
"Huh must be another wrong number on that last one," Archer remarked when nothing was heard.
BEEP!
"And again," Archer blinked when nothing was heard. "Geeze people use a phone book or something!"
BEEP!
"Sigh…" The man's sigh was heard again.
"RAMON ARE YOU CALLING ARCHER'S ANSWERING MACHINE AGAIN?" Rudy was heard yelling in the phone.
"We're supposed to be dead you ass!" Charles shouted.
"He won't know! I never…Oh…" Ramon spoke and then hung up.
"Well that explains that," Archer remarked.
"Who were they?" Calderon asked.
"A bunch of gay spies I know who stole some money and coke from us," Archer said. "And Ramon faked his death so he could get a kiss out of me."
"O-kay…" Calderon blinked.
BEEP!
"Sigh…"
"RAMON!" Charles and Rudy yelled.
"SORRY! Oops…" Ramon realized his mistake.
BEEP!
"Sterling Archer this is McGinty's Bar. You owe a tab of seven thousand dollars and another six thousand dollars for damages!"
"Oh right. Kind of went out for a quick drink after we got back from Columbia. Okay all the rest of these must be from after we left New York to San Marcos," Archer said. "You know this is actually a productive day for me."
"Imagine that," Juliana said sarcastically.
"Master Archer this is Woodhouse. Just calling in to let you know the house is all right. No need to worry or rush back. Just tidying up a bit and getting out a bit of a bloodstain from the front hall carpet. The uh, lemur bit the postman. Nasty business. Just letting you know everything is fine."
"I still have that thing?" Archer blinked. "I thought I got rid of it. Oh well."
BEEP!
"Vote for Harry Harryousen for Senator…"
"Ugh I hate these messages," Archer groaned as he shut that last message off and went to the next one.
"We don't have that problem in San Marcos," Calderon said. "For obvious reasons."
"Say what you want about dictatorship but at least it cuts down on the annoying phone calls," Archer agreed.
BEEP!
"Archer this is Burt Reynolds. Listen could you do me a favor and tell your mother to stop drunk dialing me. I hear she's dating again but…Honestly when we broke up it got a little weird. Just uh, talk to her for me. Thanks pal."
"You know the international movie star Burt Reynolds?" Calderon was impressed.
"Oh yeah. I sort of kidnapped him. Then we bonded. Got into a car chase and shootout together," Archer waved. "Funny story."
BEEP!
"Your subscription to Spy Magazine has expired. This is your final notice for payment."
"I hate robo calls," Archer groaned. "Especially when they lie. My subscription to that crummy magazine expired years ago but I still get it!"
"I have the same problem for Tyrant Weekly," Calderon remarked. "I don't even know how I got on their list. That and Family Circle."
BEEP!
"Master Archer this is Woodhouse again," The elderly butler's voice was heard. "Uh just to inform you that if you come back in the next few days the Tunt House will be unavailable. I'm having it…fumigated. For termites. Yes that's believable. That's all."
"It is rather believable," Archer said. "That place is a dump."
BEEP!
"Archer, this is your worst nightmare!" Barry's voice was heard on the phone. "I don't know where you are this time but I will find you! I will hunt you down to the ends of the Earth! And so will Other Barry!"
"Ugh that douche," Archer rolled his eyes. "Barry the psycho cyborg who wants to kill me. Long story."
BEEP!
"Archer you have the worst answering machine in the world!" Barry was heard again. "First of all what is this thing you have with pranking people using your phone? You can't just say leave a message without forcing people to listen to your stupid…"
BEEP!
"Oh you are really ticking me and Other Barry off now!" Barry shouted. "DO YOU KNOW HOW INCONSIDERATE IT IS WHEN PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO THREATEN YOU TO LISTEN TO THAT STUPID MESSAGE YOU ASSHOLE? SERIOUSLY! OTHER BARRY IS GONNA RIP OUT YOUR SPINE AND…"
BEEP!
"Seriously? Barry has to listen to that insane message every time I want to threaten you? Come on! The least you could do asshole is pick up the phone and listen to your impending doom like a real man instead of some kind of creepy man child clinging to his mommy's…"
BEEP!
"How are you still alive?" Barry was heard again. "Seriously because the odds on someone as evil and selfish and arrogant as you existing this long with so many enemies…What? Hold on! I'll call you back! I gotta take care of a thing. What can I say? Escaped prisoners won't kill themselves. Look who I'm talking to."
BEEP!
"Okay Barry is not going to call you anymore," Barry was heard again. "Right Other Barry. There's no point Other Barry. No point. The man is a complete and total…"
"He kind of has a split personality," Archer explained as the cyborg ranted in expletives. "And they're both annoying assholes."
BEEP!
"This is Other Barry. Barry said he didn't want to call you but Other Barry wants to leave a message. When we catch up to you, you are going to be in so much pain…What? No Babe. No. I'm not threatening Archer again. Of course not. I'm calling for pizza. Yes extra sausage and pepperoni or you will be in pain. Other Barry out."
BEEP!
"OUTLAW COUNTRY! WHOOOO!" Cherlene was heard. "Awww, no light show."
BEEP!
"Archer this is Popeye. That's it. I'm calling your mother."
BEEP!
"This is Trinette again! Answer your God Damn phone and pay your damn child support ya puke! That's it! I'm taking you to court! Prepare for the mother of all lawsuits you asshole!"
BEEP!
"Hey Archer this is Kenny Loggins. Look uh K-Log kind of needs you to kick in some cash for that hotel room since you and that woman you brought trashed the place. So uh give me a call. K-Log out."
BEEP!
"Oh yeah it's Kenny Loggins again. Ricky just wants to know if you can give him Pam's phone number. K-Log out."
BEEP!
"Archer this is Whosits again! We need to talk to your mother about all the money she owes us or else there is going to be a huge class action lawsuit! Where are you assholes anyway? No one has seen you for weeks!"
BEEP!
"Are you ignoring me?" Trinette was heard again. "I will not be ignored Archer! THAT'S IT! YOU ARE GONNA PAY YOU PUKE!"
BEEP!
"Sterling Archer? This is Eric Rush from the IRS. I'm calling to remind you that you are being audited tomorrow at 10 AM. Please have all your receipts handy."
"I'm being audited?" Archer blinked. "Since when? Eh it doesn't matter! Got out of that one didn't I?"
BEEP!
"This is Vivida Valentine from Valentine's escort service," A woman's voice was heard. "This is regarding the ten thousand dollars you owe our agency. Not to mention the medical bills for the pain you inflicted on Lola when you did that thing with the Glengooly Blue, the avocadoes and the lemur!"
"Oh I guess I still have it," Archer shrugged. "No wait, I took Lola to the zoo. I think. I was pretty drunk so it could have gone either way."
BEEP!
"Sterling Archer this is Mr. Moto. Do you have the number for that doctor you go to for tinnitus? AAAH! Call me if I can hear it with the damn ringing in my ears!"
"Yakuza boss I tangled with a few times," Archer explained.
"You have a very interesting group of people you hang around with," Calderon remarked.
BEEP!
"Sigh…"
"RAMON!" Charles and Rudy were heard.
"Interesting doesn't even begin to cover it," Archer sighed.
BEEP!
"This is the New York Zoo calling to inform Sterling Archer that he is banned for life from our zoo! And we expect you to pay for damages inflicted on our monkeys and what you did in the park fountain!
BEEP!
"This is Andrea. You remember? The woman you dated at ISIS and then abandoned for all the other floozies that worked there? You are a pig! A selfish evil pig and I hope you rot in Hell. Anyway call me. Maybe we can have another date?"
BEEP!
"This is Andrea. WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED ME BACK?"
BEEP!
"This is Andrea. Again. Still waiting for your call. So. Give me a ring."
BEEP!
"Archer this is your bookie. You owe me fifty grand. Call me back and let me know when I'm going to get my money or else I'm going to call your mother."
BEEP!
"Mr. Archer this is Barney's. We need to talk about your late payment on your latest purchase on credit. Please don't make us call your mother. Again."
"I'm starting to notice a pattern here," Calderon remarked.
BEEP!
"Mr. Archer this is New York Bank. We've noticed your account is overdrawn and…"
"Eh," Archer fast forwarded to the next message.
BEEP!
"Mr. Archer this is Sgt. Pyle and I'm with the draft board. We couldn't help but notice some discrepancies in…"
"Crank…" Archer fast forwarded again.
BEEP!
"Mr. Archer this is Eric Rush from the IRS again. First of all I don't like your extremely rude and annoying phone…"
"Blah, blah, blah…" Archer fast forwarded.
BEEP!
"This is New York Credit calling to tell you that your credit card account payment is three months late and…"
"Boring!" Archer fast forwarded. "I'll just get a new card again."
BEEP!
"This is Colin McColins of the Irish Mob making a personal call to Sterling Archer! We're coming for you Archer after what you did to our boys and our boss! You and that transvestite…"
Archer blew a raspberry as he fast forwarded. "A death threat from the Irish Mob doesn't bother you?" Juliana barked.
"Please," Archer waved. "I get death threats at least three times a week from scarier organizations."
BEEP!
"This is Troop Leader Penny Pollitano of Girl Scout Troop 6," A woman's authoritative voice spoke.
"Like this one," Archer pointed out.
"I am calling about the sixteen boxes of girl scout cookies your butler stole from…"
"Not again. Woodhouse must be needing a fix or something," Archer groaned as he fast forwarded. "He gets a craving sometimes when he goes through withdrawal."
BEEP!
"This is the ASPCA calling Sterling Archer in regards to formally warn him of a class action lawsuit from all the animals you've tormented over the years…"
"Hippies," Archer groaned. "Geeze you accidentally smuggle one lonely ocelot into another country, make one dog sick, shoot a monkey at the zoo and accidentally feed a lemur some drugs and it gets loose and mauls somebody and all of the sudden you're an animal abuser!"
BEEP!
"This is John Baxter. Remember? The idiot who let you borrow two hundred bucks from him? Where's my money! And I want the money your mother promised us when we worked at ISIS! If you don't call back I will hunt you down like a dog and…
"Loser," Archer cut it short and went to the next call.
BEEP!
"This is James Wells from ISIS. Look you and your mother owe me a ton of back payments! I'm living out of my car dude!"
"And you still find time to hassle me," Archer groaned.
BEEP!
"This is Carl's Collection Agency. We have impounded your El Camino and…"
"NOOO! NOT MY CAR! NOT MY EL CAMINO!" Archer yelled.
"Really?" Calderon asked. "That's where you draw the line?"
"It's a classic!" Archer barked. "Great! That's another thing I have to have Woodhouse do when I get back!"
BEEP!
"CALL ME!" Andrea screamed into the phone. "CALL ME! CALL ME! CALL ME!"
BEEP!
"WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED ME?" Andrea yelled.
"Which Andrea is this? The new one from accounting or the one that went to ODIN? I can't remember," Archer thought aloud. "Huh. Doesn't matter. They're both crazy so…"
BEEP!
"Archer, its Ramon. I suppose you have figured it out by now that I'm still alive…"
"No duh," Archer groaned.
"Look it was nothing personal what I did," Ramon went on. "I just needed the money badly. Work hasn't been as plentiful as it was in my younger days. I never wanted to hurt you. You have to understand…"
"OH MY GOD!" Charles was heard yelling. "HE'S CALLING HIM AGAIN! GIVE ME THAT PHONE!"
"NO! LET ME TALK TO HIM! LET ME…" Ramon yelled and the sounds of a struggle were being heard.
BEEP!
"Hello Archer…" A familiar slurred voice was heard. "What's new? Heh, heh, heh…"
"Cyril?" Archer blinked.
"I'm calling you on your phone because I know you'll never answer it you asshole," Cyril was heard drunkenly giggling. "Having fun in prison dumb ass? HA HA HA HA!"
"The man is just upstairs," Calderon remarked. "He doesn't even bother to walk a few flights of steps to taunt his prisoners? What kind of dictator is that?"
BEEP!
"This is the President of San Marcos," Cyril was heard again. "President Cyril Figisssssssss! I love the sound of that! President Figgis! President Figgis! HE HE HE!"
"How is this idiot still alive?" Archer groaned. "Maybe I'll get lucky and a rebel will shoot him or something?"
BEEP
"I'm in charge and you're not!" Cyril was drunkenly giggling on the phone. "You know why? Your mommy likes me better than you!" A loud raspberry was heard on the phone.
"Okay drunk or not, that is just rude," Archer growled.
BEEP!
"I hate you Archer! I hate you so freaking much! You ruined my life!" Cyril slurred. "I hope you have at least some of the misery in that dungeon you gave to me! You took Lana from me! LANA! LANA! LANAAAAAAA!"
BEEP!
"LANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Some people should not be given a phone when they are drunk," Calderon remarked.
BEEP!
"LANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Remind me to kill Cyril when I get out of here," Archer grumbled.
"I can help you with that!" Calderon said cheerfully. "You know we really do have a lot in common."
"Yes, I can't stand either of you," Juliana grumbled.
BEEP!
"Ehhh screw Lana! You can have her!" Cyril grumbled. "Too bad she doesn't want you! HA HA!"
"Oh how generous," Archer said sarcastically.
BEEP!
"Hey Archer! Having fun rotting in my dungeon you bastard?" Cyril was still drunk and laughing.
"Cyril what the hell are you doing?" Ray was heard shouting.
"Just making a phone call. HEY! HEY! GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT…" Cyril shouted. The sounds of a struggle could be heard.
BEEP!
"Aw calm down. It's not like that asshole is ever going to hear this," Cyril was heard again. "He never even checks his messages."
"If I was Archer I'd never check my messages either," Ray admitted. "I can imagine what calls that lousy…Cyril is that phone still on?"
BEEP!
"Seriously Archer? Not even showing up for the court date?" Trinette shouted. "Oh you are so going to pay! You and that bitch of a mother of yours! In fact I'm going to call her!"
"Oh yeah that will work," Archer groaned. "I tell you it's a good thing that kid isn't really mine. I am so not ready to be a father for a long, long time!"
BEEP!
"WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED ME?" Andrea screamed. "Are you angry? Is it something I did? Something I said? CALL ME!"
BEEP!
"It's Andrea. Again. Look I just want to talk. That's not much to ask is it? Let's just talk. Over drinks. In that hotel by the train tracks near the desert. The one no one can hear you scream in. Yes, that should do it…HA HA HA HA! CALL ME!"
BEEP!
"Archer it's Ramon again. Just give me a call sometime. We can talk. Have drinks…Whatever. No pressure. Adios."
BEEP!
"Archer its Rip Riley. Listen could you please ask your mother to stop calling me when she's drunk! And no I will not have a threesome with Burt Reynolds! That woman could never take a hint."
"Well that mental image will haunt me for decades," Archer groaned.
BEEP!
"Hey Archer! It's Enid. Guess what? I got a weekend pass coming up in about a month so if you're not too busy maybe we can get together sometime? Our usual spot in the airport bathroom sound good? Call me!"
"Okay her I remember!" Archer said. "Crazy Enid. She's getting out. Good for her. I'd better call. She's fun."
"Sounds charming," Juliana said sarcastically.
BEEP!
"Archer this is Bill Bowes formerly from ISIS," A man's voice was heard. "Me and the others have been talking and we are officially forming an angry mob to hunt you down."
"Good luck with that!" Archer scoffed. "Try finding the unemployment office!"
"I'm starting to suspect that you're not in a hurry to get out of here," Juliana groaned. "And I can see why."
BEEP!
"Sterling Archer this is Andrea's mother!" An angry woman's voice was heard. "My little girl tried to drink bleach and commit suicide because of you! For once her little drinking problem wasn't a problem! I'm looking into a class action lawsuit against you!"
"Oh now I remember which Andrea that is!" Archer remembered. "Office Andrea always had this weird thing with her mouth where she missed liquids. Now I remember why I never called her back. Not one of my better dates."
BEEP!
"Archer this is Lucy from the other night at McGinty's. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this but I think we have a problem. I'm late. I'll call you back."
"That's never good," Archer groaned.
BEEP!
"Archer! Lucy again. Good news! It was just a false alarm so, if you don't mind I'm never going to talk to you again. Have a nice life!"
"Good. Problem solved itself," Archer quite relieved. "So not ready to be a father. And I'm not gonna be one for a long time!"
BEEP!
"Your subscription to Spy Magazine has expired. This is your final notice for payment."
"See? What did I tell you?" Archer waved. "Called it!"
BEEP!
"Hey Archer this is Phil from the pharmacy. Just a head's up apparently there's a strain of Archer Syndrome that can cause slight insanity in women. They're working on it. Some really promising drugs are coming in. Just thought I'd let you know."
"That explains a few things," Archer blinked.
BEEP!
"It's Phil again. Forgot to tell you the reason I called. Your extra strength crab cream and butt crack pimple cream came in. So the next time you have an itch we're all ready for you."
"Good to know," Archer groaned.
BEEP!
"This is Laura's fiancé, you creep!" A man's voice was heard. "I don't know who you are or why my fiancé has your number on her phone but you'd better not call back if you know what's good for you!"
"Which Laura was that?" Archer blinked. "Man I really should put together a book or something."
BEEP!
"Hey Archer. It's Phil again. Just sitting alone in my office having a drink. You know if you ever get bored or something and want to hang out I'm available. No pressure. Bye…"
"End of messages…" The phone said.
"Huh. Ron hasn't called me?" Archer blinked. "I thought he would."
"Who's Ron?" Calderon asked.
"My mother's husband," Archer explained. "He kind of got mad after he found out about my mother's other affairs after getting shot in a coke filled shootout with the Yakuza. Apparently he and my mother are trying an open marriage. Wonder how that's going on his end?"
"Is he in the spy business too?" Calderon asked.
"No, he's a car salesman," Archer explained. "Owns six car dealerships. Going on seven."
"Really? Six dealerships going on seven. You do know a lot of interesting people," Calderon remarked.
"Fascinating," Juliana rolled her eyes. "Now give me the damn phone!"
"Hold on. Uh oh," Archer played with his phone.
"What?" Juliana glared at him.
"Oh the battery ran out," Archer blinked. "Guess I can't use my phone anymore. Guess I should have charged it before I left New York."
"You are a complete and utter moron," Juliana glared at Archer.
"Who are you my mother?" Archer asked.
"After listening to those messages I understand the attraction," Calderon quipped.
"So uh…Wanna do it?" Archer asked Juliana.
"NO!" Juliana snapped.
"The philandering dictator ex-husband is looking pretty good right about now isn't he?" Calderon remarked. "So uh Juliana…"
"NO!" Juliana snapped.
"Okay…" Calderon sighed. "So now what?"
"You wanna hear about the time I met Burt Reynolds?" Archer asked.
"Yeah okay," Calderon shrugged.
"Why not?" Juliana sighed.