Abandonment
Souta poured water over his grandfather's grave and wondered numbly how long it would be before his mother would share a spot here with Jii-chan and Father. How long would it be before his entire family was nothing more than a few anonymous stone pillars in a plot filled with stone pillars, leaving him alone to pour the water and mourn?
His sister hadn't returned from the feudal era in almost a year. He knew his mother believed Kagome to be dead, and part of him hoped that she was right. Death seemed like a good enough excuse for being absent during Jii-chan's final days. His illness undid him slowly but ruthlessly; Souta was certain they would never get the smell of chemicals and urine out of Jii-chan's room.
Souta did his best to help his mother through the worst of it. He took care of the more hands-on aspects of taking care of Jii-chan because he knew his mother couldn't handle them. Souta was in charge of things like Jii-chan's injections and his bedpans and his meals. He got used to blowing off his friends, and they eventually stopped calling. He knew how desperately his mother needed him at home, so he learned not to complain.
He would lie in his bed every night and curse everyone he could think of for what was happening to his family. He knew things wouldn't be this bad if Kagome had come back, or if Father had never died. He cursed them most of all for deserting him, for leaving him to clean up the messes they left in their wake. How did they expect him to hold everything together when no one had taught him how?
Why did they leave me?
When he came home from the cemetery that day Souta found his mother in the well house. She had come to haunt that place more and more since Jii-chan's death.
"Why did they all leave me, Souta? She asked him as she gazed into the dark well, tears streaming down her face. Souta pulled her toward the door but she clung to the lip, knuckles white.
As more time passed, it became clear that his mother was not all right. She went to work less and less frequently, and she began to obsessively clean Jii-chan's and Kagome's rooms.
She started making oden once a week for dinner, even though Souta never liked it much, and would merely pick politely at it before scraping it off his plate. He would find her crying at all times of the day, curled up on the couch with a drink in her hand.
"You're all I have now, Souta, my good boy, you're such a good boy," her arm snaked around him under the covers; she pressed him close to her in the dark of his bedroom. She had taken to crawling into his bed so she wouldn't have to be alone, even at night. She would hold him and whisper softly to him until she fell asleep. "You won't leave like everyone else, will you? You'll stay here with me, won't you?"
And he stayed.
He never said anything. He stayed quiet. He learned to do things without being asked, he learned to swallow the resentment that threatened to bubble over and consume him whole.
Things like quitting the high school soccer team and giving up his position as treasurer or his senior class freed up more his time so he could help take care of the shrine, and keep his mother company. When left alone for long periods of time, she tended to have panic attacks and hysterical crying fits. He stopped dreaming of going abroad for college, and eventually he stopped considering college at all. The shrine was where he had to stay.
Shortly after Jii-chan's death, Houjo began visiting the shrine on a fairly regular basis. He never stayed long; he would present them with gifts and food, and assure them that if they needed anything that they could count on him. Souta never believed him.
Houjo never asked about Kagome, but Souta knew she was never far from his mind. Houjo's eyes would linger on her picture on the mantel, or he would stare expectantly up the stairs that lead to her room. For some reason this insulted Souta greatly. If Kagome was capable of abandoning her family, she surely wasn't worth all trouble Houjo went to. It wasn't like she had to deal with a crazy mother and a dead grandfather. If she was alive at all she was probably having a grand old time slaying demons and playing house with Inuyasha; she probably led a fulfilling life, and didn't think twice about the little brother she had left behind.
He soon grew to resent Houjo's visits more and more, and found it harder and harder to hold amicable conversation with him.
"So how's school been, Souta?"
"Fine,"
"Anything new and exciting going on in your life? Got yourself a girlfriend yet?"
"No." Souta unceremoniously dumped Houjo's fruit basket on the kitchen table, and the two stood in awkward silence. Souta tapped his foot impatiently as Houjo gazed at a photograph of Kagome on the refrigerator.
"Would you just spit it out already?" he finally burst out, "I'm sick of that pathetic look on your face!"
"Souta, what are you talking about?"
"I know why you're here, so just go on and ask already so you can get the hell out of my house!"
"I- I don't know what you mean," Houjo stammered, "I came by to make sure you and your mom are okay-"
"Well, we're not okay, understand? And a lousy friggin fruit basket isn't going to change that-"
"Then what will?" Houjo's voice was earnest and it caught Souta off guard.
"W-what?"
"I said what can I do to help?"
Souta hesitated for a moment, and considered Houjo's question, and started laughing.
"Nothing," he said wryly, "There's nothing you can do."
The next day Houjo returned with a soccer ball his hands and a smile on his face.
"Hey, Souta, feel like kicking the ball around for a little bit?"
Souta was too shocked to know whether he felt like it or not, but his mother joined him at the door, and insisted that some fresh air would do him some good.
"Have fun, honey, and just be back for dinner."
They walked to the park in silence, Souta couldn't account for what was making his insides squirm around violently.
"I heard you were pretty good at soccer," Houjo finally spoke, "What made you quit the team?"
"It took up too much of my time," he answered simply. Houjo put the ball on the ground and started dribbling. Souta quickly stole the ball and ran it halfway up the field. He slowed down enough for Houjo to catch up with him, and then he faked, faked again, and kicked the ball in the air high over Houjo's head, scoring in the net behind him.
"Wow, you're better than I thought!" Houjo beamed as he went to retrieve the ball. He tossed it at Souta's feet, "She never said you were this good, they must really miss you on the team,"
"Who told you I was good at soccer?" Souta asked suspiciously.
Houjo paused uneasily before replying "Kagome,"
Souta rolled his eyes and kicked the ball hard into Houjo's stomach. "I'm going home, this is lame,"
"Wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring her up, I just..."
"Whatever, it's fine, I should be at home anyway," he glared at the ground as he stomped away. Houjo grabbed hold of his shoulder.
"Look, I know I shouldn't ask this, but why do you hate her so much? What happened between you two?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you, now let go of me!"
"Why don't you try me? Maybe you'd feel better if you just talked about it."
Souta thought about, and decided to trust Houjo.
He started talking and couldn't stop. He talked about how she was never there; since he was eight years old he could never count on her for anything. He talked about Jii-chan's sickness and how he had to take of everything by himself, and how she owed it to them to be there, for once in her life, and she wasn't. He talked so much that he lost all track of time, and before he knew it he was rushing back home, trying not to stumble in the dark.
His mother was waiting for him at the kitchen table, the food on her plate was cold, and her eyes were puffy and red.
"Where have you been?" she screamed as he walked in. He hung his head and let her yell until her voice became hoarse.
"You're going to leave me too, aren't you?"
"No Mom, never-"
"You bastard, you're just like everyone else! How could you? I'm your mother!" She collapsed into his arms, sobbing into his shoulder. He guided her to her room, tucked her into bed and apologized one more time before kissing her forehead and shutting out her light.
She didn't sneak into his room that night and he was thankful.
Although he never again made the mistake of coming home so late, Souta began spending his afternoons playing soccer with Houjo. They would play, or rather Souta would play and Houjo would smile that smile of his and "ooh" and "aah" at Souta's impressive moves. And Souta would talk. And Houjo would listen.
It was a new experience for Souta, he wasn't used to spending time with someone who would listen so attentively and non-judgmentally. Houjo made Souta feel comfortable and happy, but nervous and awkward at the same time, and Souta couldn't figure out why.
"I'm really dreading Kagome's birthday this year," Souta muttered as the two sat on a bench, Houjo nursing a sore toe. "It's in a few days. I'm afraid my mom's going to freak out big time. I think she's starting to get wound up already."
"What happened?"
"I found her ironing one of Kagome's old uniforms. It was so creepy,"
"Maybe you should talk to her about it," Houjo suggested, pulling off his sock to inspect his toe. "Tell her that you're worried, or that you've been thinking about Kagome a lot and you want to do something for her birthday."
"No, I can't do that, she'll go totally nuts."
"Why do you say that?"
"We haven't talked about Kagome specifically in so long, I think it would be too much for her. But it's so tense, knowing that all she's thinking about is Kagome's birthday and not being able to mention anything about it. I can't stand it, I just want out of that house."
"Do you want to stay over at my apartment some night? Do you think that would make you feel better?"
Souta blushed. He couldn't explain it, but the idea of sleeping in the same room as Houjo, or even under the same roof as Houjo made his pulse quicken and his head swim. This dizzy, strangely pleasant feeling he got when he was around Houjo was nothing new; when speaking to Houjo he periodically felt as though his insides were filled with jelly for no reason.
"I'll think about it. It may make my mom freak out even worse."
Souta returned to the house and couldn't find his mother. He looked all over the downstairs, and it dawned on him to check Kagome's room.
She was sitting cross-legged on Kagome's bed, with a far-off look in her eyes. She was toying with Kagome's fuku in her hands, and she didn't look up from it when Souta opened the door.
"Mom?" Souta sat down next to her, "Mom, are you okay? What are you doing in here?"
She didn't answer. They sat in silence for what felt like centuries.
"Mom, come on, let's go downstairs and have some tea," he tried to pull the fuku out of her hand and she slapped him hard across the face.
"Mom, what the fuck-" she hit him again, harder, and harder, throwing the fuku aside she used both hands to punch him with all her might.
"What the hell are you doing-"
"Why did she leave? Why didn't you stop her?" she shrieked, wrapping her arms around his neck. He squirmed out of her grasp and ran towards the door.
"That's right Souta, leave like everyone else, just go, get out!"
"You're fucking crazy, Mom, I can't deal with this anymore!" and without looking back he ran all the way to Houjo's.
"What the hell happened to you?" Houjo asked, eyes brimming with concern as he took in Souta's bloody lip and slowly blackening eye. It was raining; Souta's clothes were soaked.
"Is that offer to sleep over still open?" Souta asked as Houjo stepped aside and let him in.
"Of course. Souta, are you all right, come here and let's put some ice on your eye."
Souta let Houjo steer him into a chair in the kitchen. After rummaging for a plastic bag, Houjo filled it with ice and held it to Souta's face. Thunder clapped and Souta flinched.
"Now tell me what happened."
"I got beaten up, what does it look like happened?" Souta snapped and immediately regretted it.
"Who did this?"
Souta bit his lip to stop himself from telling, from shouting at him and crying bitter, angry tears. He tasted blood. He tried to focus on the rain hammering on the roof, anything but Houjo's worried face and his kind brown eyes.
"Did your mother do this, Souta? Did she hit you?"
Souta pushed himself out of his chair and shoved Houjo briskly out of his way.
"I didn't come here to get the third degree, so fuck off Houjo, I don't have to answer to you-"
Houjo wrapped his arms around Souta.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I'm sorry, you don't have to say anything. It's all right, everything's gonna be fine."
And Houjo just held him.
Souta couldn't believe what was happening. He stiffened, but gradually relaxed, until he was holding Houjo fiercely to him, and crying quietly into his shoulder.
"I'm pathetic aren't I?" he muttered at last, "I got my ass kicked by my own mother,"
"You're not pathetic, don't even think like that. You're going through something that I can't even imagine, and you're doing your best. I'm really proud of you." Houjo pulled back and smiled that glowing, comforting smile of his, and it all fell into place. Souta finally understood the racing of his heart, the lovely dizziness he felt.
So he leaned over and kissed him.
Souta let go of the breath he wasn't aware of holding and looked up into Houjo's eyes. He was surprised to find his normally cheerful face clouded with doubt and discomfort.
"Um, Souta? What...what are you doing?"
Utterly tongue-tied, Souta quickly let go of Houjo and stammered incoherently.
"I think you may have wrong idea here, I'm not- I mean I don't...like guys that way." Houjo inched away from Souta.
"It's not like there's anything wrong with people who do or anything like that, I'm just saying that I-"
"Okay Houjo, you don't have to say anything, let's just drop it." Souta made a dash for the door, kicking himself, screaming at himself for ever trying something as stupid as this.
"Wait, don't leave, I'm still your friend and everything, I just don't-"
"I'm not an idiot Houjo, I get it, now would you just leave me alone!"
He yanked the door open and bolted down the street. His head pounded with regret and embarrassment and shame. He was a complete idiot to ever think for a second that Houjo might want something more than Souta's pathetic friendship. He wiped his eyes and kept wiping them, not sure if he was rubbing away raindrops or tears.
Climbing the shrine steps proved to be very difficult in the rain. They were slippery and he had to stop several times to keep from falling. He wondered dimly how he could sneak into his room without his mother noticing him.
Through the rain Souta saw a figure staggering out of the well house. So much for sneaking past Mom, he thought as he approached the shrine.
"Souta?" a voice he hadn't heard in so long sounded foreign to his ears. He froze where he stood, and squinted, noticing a torn green skirt and a matching fuku. Her red scarf was missing.
"S-s-souta!" she cried and flung herself onto him, burying her face in his neck, sobbing uncontrollably.
"I'm so glad to see you, I've missed you so much! It was terrible being away for so long, I'm so glad to be back home!" She pulled away to admire his form, brushing wet hair from his brow. "You've gotten so tall, you're really grown up now, aren't you Souta?"
He laughed. He just stood there and laughed. There was nothing else for him to do, so he laughed and he laughed.
"Mom's been waiting for you, Nee-chan," and he turned and walked into the house.
After a very long and tearful reunion of mother and daughter, things in the house went almost back to normal. In two days time Kagome seemed to have slept off the news of Jii-chan's death, and was almost as bubbly and chipper as he remembered her. It made him sick. The three of them sat at the kitchen table and ate omelets as Kagome and her mother chatted about the particulars of her journey in the feudal era.
Souta couldn't believe it. It was as thought nothing had happened. It was as if all the suffering that he had gone through without her- that he and his mother had both gone through without her- just plain didn't happen. His mother hadn't said a word to Kagome about how selfish it was of her to leave for so long, or about how hard it had been for them He could almost taste the unfairness of it all; he stayed and sacrificed so much to repair the hold she had torn in their lives by leaving, and all Kagome had to do was show up and she was forgiven of everything. He clenched his fists and tried not to focus on the strong urge to throw his plate at his sister.
The doorbell rang. Kagome got up to answer it and Souta felt his stomach drop to his feet when he heard his sister squeal from the other room, "Houjo-kun!" A certain masochistic drive inside him forced Souta to his feet and down the hall to the front door. He found Kagome wrapping her arms around a very surprised and a seemingly very pleased Houjo.
"Houjo-kun, I'm so glad to see you, I missed you so much," Kagome murmured into Houjo's chest. He rested his hands on her waist and nuzzled his chin contentedly on the top of her head.
"I'm glad to see you too, Kagome, it's been a long time."
Souta had had enough. "This just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?"
Houjo looked up and hastily let go of Kagome. "Souta, wait, I need-"
"No, fuck you," Souta snarled "Fuck you both," And Souta was running again. He ran at top speed until he reached the park, where he slumped down on a bench, panting, exhausted.
It was all just too much to believe. He realized as he caught his breath that Kagome must have been all Houjo was after in the first place. All the time they wound up spending together and all the trust he thought they had built was a fluke. He remembered the way Houjo held her; it made him sick Houjo just wanted to get to her through Souta. He used him, and used his trust to find out what happened to Kagome.
"Souta," He looked up and saw a red-faced Houjo, gasping for air and sweating profusely.
"Don't...run...anymore" Houjo said between pants, planting his hands firmly on Souta's shoulders to keep him in his seat.
"I need...to say something..."
"Save your breath, I think you've made everything clear enough-"
"Shut up and listen!" Houjo surprised both of them with the outburst. He sat down next to Souta and both remained silent for a while.
"Sorry I yelled," Houjo spoke at last, "I just really need you to listen for a minute. You've got it all wrong, Souta, and you have to let me explain."
Souta was too intrigued by Houjo's urgent tone to argue.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking about the other night. I realized that I shouldn't have said what I did-"
"Why not, it was all true, wasn't it? You don't like guys, you like my sister, you seemed so excited to see her, I can only assume-"
"No, Souta, don't assume anything. I was glad to see her because I know what it means for you to have her back. You and your mom aren't alone anymore, now you don't have to take care of everything by yourself. You're free, don't you see that? You can do anything you want now, you could re-join the soccer team if you wanted-"
"The season's over." Souta interrupted, but Houjo kept going.
"-and you can go off to college like you always wanted and you won't have to feel bad about leaving your mom, because she's got Kagome to keep her company and everything..." Houjo trailed off.
"What?" Souta asked, suddenly impatient to hear Houjo talk some more.
"I didn't come here to talk about Kagome, I wanted to talk about you and me." he glanced nervously down at his hands before facing Souta again.
"Like I said, I been doing a lot of thinking and I realized that you mean a lot more to me than I ever thought. I don't know if that makes me gay or not and I decided that I don't really care. I just know that I don't want to stop spending time with you for any reason, especially not because of something like this."
It was back with a vengeance. That wonderful, dizzy feeling in the pit of Souta's stomach. He smiled what felt like his first real smile in years, and punched Houjo playfully on the shoulder.
"Hey, don't go getting all mushy on me-" Houjo grabbed his fist and pulled him into a hug.
"Thank you," Souta sighed. They stood up, and taking Souta's hand, Houjo led them back to the shrine. Souta smiled again at Houjo and believed that things might just get better after all.