40 Things You Can't Do In SVU

by The Sarcastic Polar Bear

People get carried away. It's a human thing. But in SVU, there's 40 laws that you can never do. Period. Crackfic. Co-written with obsessedwithstabler.

Hi, readers. Little crackfic for y'all. My buddy obsessedwithstabler helped me with this one. We own nothing. Grr.

1. Thou shalt not call Captain Cragen "Captain Baldie"

2. Thou shalt not call Olivia "Liv" unless thou name is Elliot

3. Thou shalt not bitch-slap Kathy whislt she feedeth Eli.

4. Thou shalt not call Dr. Huang 'Dr. Gay" This will lead him to give thee therapy

5. Thou shalt not steal Olivia's chocolate

6. Thou shalt not cut off Fin's signature ponytail.

7. Thou shalt not inspire Munch to tell a conspiracy story

8. Thou shalt not tell Munch and Huang to beatbox

9. Thou shalt also not tell the above mentioned to sing "Mr. Boombastic."

10. Thou shalt not fill Cragen's desk with adorable kittens, no matter how much thou is tempted

11. Thou shalt not push Casey Novak and Kim Greyleck down a hill

12. Thou shalt not strip Elliot's shirt off of his body, despite the hormones telling thou to do so

13. Thou shalt not toss Kathy into the ocean whilst chanting, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!"

14. Thou shalt not hit Dani Beck with a shovel whilst yelling, "Die, bitch, die!" Such behavior will be violated.

15 Thou shalt not allow Elliot to purchase birth control. Such behavior is prohibited.

16. Thou shalt not hire a young child to runneth over Dani Beck with a three wheeler, whilst humming Dani Beck got run over by a three wheeler to the tune of "Grandma got Run Over By A Reindeer."

18. Thou shalt not give Olivia aspirin. Thou shalt, however, give her fertilty treatment

19. Thou shalt not admit Eli is Elliot's son.

20. Thou shalt not kidnap Eli and demand his paternity

21. Thou shalt not kill Kathy and bury her in a pet cemetary. This displeases Stephen King

22. Thou shalt not forbid Elliot and Olivia from making out while interrogating a perp

23. Thou shalt not tell Munch that he is a terrific story teller and coffee maker.

24. Thou shalt not mention Kennedy in Munch's presence

25. Thou shalt not laugh when Cragen sings to Elliot and Olivia's baby

26. Thou shalt not allow a black helicoptor to fly over the SVU precinct while Munch is on the clock

27. Thou shalt not allow Kathy and Elliot to kiss. This is forbidden at all costs.

28. Thou shalt not strike Dean Porter with a sledgehammer

29. Thou shalt not tempt Fin to dance to The Cuppycake Song whilst interrogating a perp

30. Thou shalt not put an adorable puppy in Cragen's pocket

31. Thou shalt not make Kathy wear red and lock her in a pen with a charging bull.

32. Thou shalt not slap Dani with a large trout

33. Thou shalt not force the SVU squad to participate in squaredancing.

34. Thou shalt not force Fin and Munch to communicate through two cans tied together with string

35. Thou shalt not poison Kathy's tacos

36. Thou shalt not capture a polar bear, then contain it in a room with Dani Beck

37. Thou shalt not hang a meat chain around Dean Porter's neck and toss him in a lion pit

38. Thou shalt not anger a hive of bees, then shove the hive down Kathy's shirt. No matter how much it may please the EO masses

39. Thou shalt not drive whilst drunk and run over Kathy

40. Thou shalt wed Elliot and Olivia and make them have 2.5 children

Hope this was amusing. Numbers 2, 6, 13, 15, 16, 19, 21, 22, 24, 33, 34, 36, 38, and 40 are obsessedwithstabler's.