Not Incapable

Part One: I… I…

"Yukiiiii I'm hooome!"

Shuichi yell as he enter the Apartment he shares with Yuki.

Yuki looks up irritated as Shuichi enters the door. Yuki is sitting on the couch reading an article from the news paper.

"Idiot do you have to be so loud?" He says angrily looking a Shuichi with icy eyes.

God damnit he so always so loud and annoying. God why can't he just be a little quieter, I should change the locks… again…. Better yet he should just shut up completely. Ha! That'll be the day.

"Yuki don't be so mean." He says with glowing blue eyes. "You know I can't stand being away from you, I LOOOVE YOU!!!" Shuichi sing a the top of his lungs , running towards Yuki a top speed.

Yuki easily dodges his attack by swiftly moving out the way, and by getting up from the couch. Shuichi falls face first into the cushions of the couch. Yuki just shakes his head in annoyance at him.

"Yeah well I like being away from you. Far, far away from you in fact." Yuki says moving to get himself a beer from the fridge.

"You're so cruel to me." Shuichi wails.

"Obviously not cruel enough, your still here aren't you?"

"Anyway Yuki, I have something I wanna discuss with you."

"Ugh." He says under his breath before opening his beer. "What is it now? It better not be anything idiotic as usual."

"Okay me and Hiro were just talking," Shuichi say cautiously, " and we were discussing me and you. He say's me and you should go out on a date----" Yuki cuts him off before he can say more.

"I thought I told you not to say anything stupid?"

"But Yuk----"

"No." Yuki says point blank.

Here we go again with this same damned discussion, every week. Hiro should just shut the hell up! Filling Shuichi with these damn thoughts. He's already an idiot on his own, he doesn't need anymore help being stupid.

"WHAAA, Yuki why?" Shuichi wails again.

Yuki huffs and takes a sip of his beer. "I've already told you!" Yuki shouts. Shuichi cringes at his voice.

"I don't want people in my personal business. I'm already in the tabloids as it is, I don't need anymore publicity."

"But people already know we're lovers."

"I… don't… care." Yuki just as cold as ever.

"But Yuki I'm your boyfriend and----"

Yuki takes another sip from his beer, and locks his cold eyes with Shuichi's warm ones. He knows he has steely look in his eyes.

"Who said I'm your boyfriend?"

************

Shuichi looks at Yuki with shock reveling in his eyes, also hurt. How could he say something so tremendously heartless like that?

"But Yuki aren't we lovers? Shuichi says wistfully but with hurt in his voice.

"Yes we are. That's all will ever be, nothing more." Yuki says firmly as he turns around with beer in hand and goes into his study to start typing the next chapter in his book. Leaving Shuichi alone… in more than one way.

Oh God that hurts so much Why would he say something horrible? I thought he loved me. Even he never technically never said that… but still…. Since we're lovers doesn't that mean anything to him at all? Or am I just some causal fuck to him? My face is getting wet.

***********

I feel bad, no worse than bad for what I said I feel horrible for what I said to Shuichi. I had no right to say such cruel and mean things to him. It's not his fault that I can't admit to what I to him, to myself. It's not that I'm incapable of loving someone it's just I'm afraid, no terrified of losing him. What if I can't give what he wants? What if I can't satisfy him? When me and Shu have sex it's more than that, it's like making love. He's so giving in bed with me, so passionate and full of love.

When I look a the clock on the computer it's 2:45am, and I've typed nothing but nonsense, so I erase it. I've got too much Shuichi on the brain… once again. I find it ironic that I'm a romace novelist, but the romance in my on life sucks. I can't even say three simple word, eight little letter, but big in their meaning, to the one I care for more than my own life.

That's it I'm turning in! I'm thinking to much. Hopefully this will just blow over by morning… oh yeah it is morning already. When I walk in the leaving room Shuichi is asleep on the couch, or so I thought.

*********

God I'm such an idiot! And a baby! I can't stop the tears from coming. I feel like I need to give up on this so called relationship. I hate myself for putting my on self through this. Yuki just doesn't understand how much I love him. Do you really hate me Yuki?

*********

"Shuichi?" Yuki asks concerned.

"What is it Yuki?" Shuichi asks with hostility in his voice . "You ready for a late night fuck." He says as he sit up looking over the back of the couch to look at me.

When I look into his eyes they were puffy and red.

"Shuichi." I'm saying as I walk around the couch to face him. When I get closer to him I can see that shaking, God I just wanna hold him, and make him feel better.

"You know that's not what I want from you," I can hear the ting of gentleness that's in my voice, thats not usually there, "you know me better than that."

"Do I really Yuki, do I really know you better than that. That's all we ever do around here is have sex."

He's stop crying now. I can see that the light that's usually in his blue eye's has turned to anger.

"I don't even know feel about me!" Shuichi shouts at me.

"Shu----"

"Just shut up! I don't wanna hear anything come out of your mouth!"

"…."

I've never seen Shuichi this mad before about anything… or this angry with me. What happened to the happy idiot, that's usually so patient with me?

**********

I have to get off of this couch, wait I'm standing up. When did this happened, damnit who cares about that right now. I want to leave this place so bad, more importantly I need to get away from Yuki. That's a first, I usually never want to leave his side.

"Shuichi please calm down." His voice is usually harsh, but this time its soft but firm. But that just upsets me more.

"No! Don't tell me to calm! I love you so much Yuki, that I can't stand it! But you don't even understand that do?"

"Shuichi." He says as he reaches out to grab my arm. Instead of letting him touch me I slap his hand away. Which in turn puts a shocked expression on his face.

"Don't you dare touch me!" I scream.

At this point I was so furious with him, that I was shaking violently. I've never felt such anger in my life before, there are fresh new tears in my eyes now that are threatening to spill over.

"Shuichi you need to listen to---"

"NO!" I scream as he reaches out to touch me again. This time instead of letting him touch me, I run around the couch and out the door. All I can hear is screaming behind as I race down the steps and out of the apartment building.

*******

"SHUICHI!" I yell as he's running of the apartment.

When look towards the window I can see it's raining outside. My stomach twists and I know have to chase after him, plus he doesn't have any shoes on or a jacket. Idiot.

When I'm outside, I feel my feet pounding against the pavement. The city light are dashing past me, as I'm running to catch up with Shuichi. From this far away his body looks so frail and fragile, he could break so easily. My stomach turns again. With that I can feel my feet pounding harder on the ground.

**********

I can hear him running behind me, I can hear his breathing. He's probably having a hard time running, cause he smokes so much. He should probably stop smoking. There I go again, I'm always more worried for him than my self.

During this chase I get to the railroad crossing, hoping I can get through before the train that's coming can block me. Unfortunately I was too slow. Now I have to stop, the foot steps behind me stop too.

*********

He has to stop running now, because a the passenger train blocked his path. Good. Now we can finally talk. Damn I'm exhausted, I should really stop smoking. But I won't.

**************

"Shuichi." He says very gently to me.

But I don't turn to look at him. I don't want to look at him… no I really do. But I know if I look at him I'll cry again. I hate crying, especially in front of him.

"Shuichi come home, it's raining."

I look up at the sky, and he's right it is raining. When I hold my hands their drenched from the rain. Not to mention my clothes are glued to my body, my hair's soaked.

There's pain in feet, oh right I don't have any shoes on… I'm an idiot, I know.

"So what? Its not like you give a damn anyway." I say tiredly, I feel like I need to sit down somewhere.

"So? You'll catch a cold." I can hear how sincere he is. But I don't care.

"Like I said not like you care you just want your sex toy in good shape." I finally turn around to face him, the train is still blocking my path.

"Shuichi you know I care about, and not just about your well being either. I care about everything that has to do with you. I'm your lover for more than just sex."

I wonder if I'm crying or if it's just the rain? I'm probably crying, why? Cause I'm a sentimental idiot. I can feel people looking at me… at us. What a sight we must be to the people in the train passing behind us; famous author Eiri Yuki and pop star Shuichi Shindou standing outside in the rain.

I can feel my heart warming up, and opening up again to Yuki again. But still, I need to hear more.

"Shuichi please… I … I…" I take a step forward, he takes a step forward.

"Do you really care about me Yuki?"

I put my hand up to my heart, squeezing my shirt. I can feel the tears now, tears of happiness.

"Am I really more than just a sex buddy to you."

"Yes you moronic idiot, you mean much more to me than that." His voice is soft and gentle. "Shuichi I… I…" Oh my God he's going to say it finally, the words I've been waiting to hear.

"Shuichi I----"

Before he could say those words a number of events happened: The train passing by finally ended, the rain picked up, crossing rails went up. These events may have seemed like nothing, until the look in Yuki's eyes changed from soft to panicked. He was looking behind me, when I heard a horn honk. I turned to look behind me and saw a car coming right for me

This all happened in a matter of moments. The next events that happened was Yuki running towards me yelling my name, and the car swerving to not hit me. I felt a sharp pain in my leg. All I remember after the that is falling, yelling, my eyesight blurring, and Yuki's face.