If you think you've seen it all here on 1000 Ways to Die, you're being ridiculous. Not as ridiculous at the people who lose their lives tonight. An actress goes from flying high to dropping dead, a robber who becomes the Christmas spirit, an abusive husband who flips out, a construction worker whose job plummets, lazy painters who get a taste of their own medicine, a zipliner who crash lands, and prisoners who are loved a little too much. Even with these people, we still haven't shown it all, but we have some to show on the next episode of 1000 Ways to Die
Date: July 6, 2006
Construction Site, FL
The business of construction is a very hardworking and demanding job. This group of workers is a perfect example. Parker and his colleagues are perfect examples. They spend every moment of the time their working dedicated to the job they love. Mariah Yates Evolutionist: "Back in the Industrial Revolution construction was horribly regulated. Workers were not harnessed even though they were really high up, they were exposed to cold weather, and no one was regulating them so 2 out of every 5 workers died on construction. Today, major precautions are taken to make sure that accidents like these cannot happen." These guys were very hard at work when one guy, Reggie realizes he grabbed the wrong drill for construction. He goes down on the elevator to get the right drill. What no one knows is that their boss forgot to tell them to not come to work today because the elevator was having repairs. The problem was a weak cable and Reggie learns this too late (cable snaps, elevator falls, and then crashes). Wedging himself inside the elevator saved Reggie from death, but not the guy under him (guy is shown dead under elevator).
What none of the construction workers saw, because they were hard at work, was a woman walking down the street. What she didn't know was she was being followed by a man named Colton. Ever since Colton was a young child he dreamed of murdering someone and was positive he was smart enough to get away with it. He had planned everything out. "Okay don't move (holds up gun)" "Please don't hurt me." (hits her on the head with gun knocking her to the ground) He was about to shoot her when. "Hey, stop." A passerby tries to stop him. He runs onto the construction site at the right time to have his head squished by a load of fate. Dr. Garrett Holmes Trauma Surgeon: "When this man was hit by the combination of the elevator's weight, the man's weight, and velocity caused this man's skull cap to be crushed and shatter, his neck broke, and he died instantly." Like many criminals, Colton was screwed by his own blinding arrogance, but thanks to a fatal mistake he's much more open-minded. "Hey Reggie, you ok?"
Way to Die #454
Smash Landing
Date: July 7, 2010
Location: Roanoke, Virginia
"Help, help police I need help." What could this person need help with? Were they robbed? Did they spot a serial killer? Before we explain our story let's introduce two people. Meet Carmen, she's a junior in an elite performing arts college with a 4.0 grade average, a large circle of friends, and a promising career as an actress and model. Meet Mason, he's a freshman in high school with a promising desire of working at a children's hospital and has a strong sense of equality and justice. They both sound like amazing people right, well your dead wrong. (red X's appear on pictures of them)
Carmen is everything we said before and more. Carmen was originally planning a promising career as a surgeon, but at age 13, her bitch hormones kicked in and she decided she was more important than anyone else and decided for a career only beneficial to herself. Carmen loves being the best at everything and will go to any length to make sure she is. She look through the personal files at school and uses what's in it against them, like boasting about her parents in front of people who lost one. "Yeah my dad is so amazing he got me onto the set of this famous upcoming movie. I'm so lucky to have a dad like him." It's a mystery of why she is so popular.
Ever since Mason lost his mother he's become a psychotic paranoid bitch who will go into a raging frenzy online if one bad thing happened to him, this has cost him many promising friendships and opportunities online. His sense of justice and equality is brought to the psychotic level. Mason had an unusual way to let go of his stress, he would go to abandoned woods near his house and shoot a crossbow his mom left him at random targets in the woods. William Yu Archer: "This is a crossbow (holds up crossbow) they are much easier to handle than a regular bow and arrow because you don't have to keep holding it in one place. However, these are much more dangerous because once you hit the trigger, the arrow fires so you should not aim these at something you shouldn't hit."
What Carmen and Mason don't know is they actually know each other online. It got off to a shaky start and only continued to get worse, but like everything that happens in her life, Carmen got what she wanted and Mason became hated by any site she was a part of. Something they also didn't know, they lived in the same town. Carmen was walking in the woods to prepare herself for an upcoming role she had in a movie (starts using tree branches like monkey bars). Mason is setting up a target he made and put them between two trees ready to shoot it. Neither Mason nor Carmen knows the other is in the same woods. (Mason fires the crossbow, it goes through the side of Carmen's chest, and she falls off) Lucky shot. When Mason was setting his crossbow, he made a fatal error; he pulled the string way too far back. The increased velocity made the arrow go right through the target and through the alpha bitch's chest. Daniel Henderson Physicist: "With the increased velocity, this arrow had a lot of momentum so it went through the target but still had a lot of momentum and this girl was in the line of fire. Since she was hanging it allowed it to go through the side of her chest in between her ribs. It speared the lungs and heart and she was dead before she hit the ground." Mason goes to get the police "Help, help police I need help."
Arrogance "No one could possibly hate me.", psychosis (Mason holding his head trying not to go crazy), rudeness "Yeah my dad is so amazing.", and anger problems (Mason punches the door) "I hate her."; these acts punished both Mason and Carmen. Mason will live with guilt worsened by his community and Carmen met a bigger bitch than her, karma.
Way to Die #187
Double Crossed
Coming up, meet the guys who put a coat afloat and this guy has dead written literally all over him.
Date: April 19, 1961
Alcatraz, CA
Ah the beach, everyone loves it. Today a boy made a discovery, a green cylinder. His mom opens it to see what's inside. (mother screams, takes her kids home, and they show a severed arm) After interviewing we put together what happened. Alcatraz is home to world's worst criminals like these three guys; Marty, Herb, and Jamie. They were convicted of armed robbery, rape, and hijacking/murder respectively and are now spending their day in the inescapable Alcatraz.
Grayson Maughan Law Historian: "Alcatraz was a prison off the coast of California that existed from 1933 to 1963. The prisoners were subjected to very harsh treatment and although many had tried to escape it was impossible to escape because of sharks, tight security, rapid currents, and ironically cold water temperatures." These three convicts didn't care about dying; in fact, they would rather die than be stuck here. They came up with an ingenious plan to escape. They gathered a bunch of waterproof coats from the storage area and stuck them together with a super adhesive. Next, they need to inflate it. Every time they tried inflating it they couldn't get it inflated because they had no way to contain the escaping air. Herb came up with a plan. "I saw the guards confiscate a concertina." They steal the concertina, attach a tube to it, and try to inflate it. It takes a while, but it's finally ready.
Now one last problem, how will they escape their cell in the middle of the night? They ask around and learn of a technique used by prisoners. These prisoners applied a cleaning substance to dental floss and once it hardened it was very abrasive. Jamie gets the dental floss and Marty gets the substance. Each man tries it, but it proves to be harder than they thought. Lucky for them, on their last bar, the finally cut through the bars of the cell; they are on their way to escaping Alcatraz. On their way Herb remembers one part he didn't tell the others. He puts dummy heads made of soap in the beds to fool the guards. They follow the current to take them to California. They are miles away from freedom, but they are sure they will make it as long as they continue rowing.
Unfortunately, they made a mistake; they ran out of the super adhesive and resorted to a glue stick to finish off the final corner, bad idea. The glue weakened and left a corner hanging off was sinking their boat and brought unwanted attention. It's gray, a fish, and called a shark. (guys scream as they are mauled to death) Jules Sylvester Animal Expert: "Sharks aren't as savage as others think. Often times, a human is attacked because it is mistaken for another prey. The shark mistook the flap for a seal and sharks feed at night so this was a perfect meal. Sharks have many teeth, each one is like a butcher knife the attack probably lasted a minute, but these guys were dead in seconds."
Alcatraz to these men was hell on earth but those who escape the law will be punished now they are in the hell off earth.
Way to Die #57
The Golden Hour
Date: October 14, 2011
Campground in WI
So viewers, you're walking down the street, minding your own business, when (guy comes out and stabs woman) you're stabbed by a man in all black but not fatally. You need help, and you come across a shady guy selling bandages. If you're thinking "Well that's oddly convenient." you are right. This creep is scamming his clients. He sends a hitman to attack the person badly, and then he would come in and offer supplies to help them. Kerri Laron Police Officer: "Extortion is blackmail that involves using a coercing to get people to do stuff for you like give you money, offer you a service, or other stuff. This is very common and illegal." This creeps business is going very poorly because the hitmen he's hiring are charging over double then what he is making. His next target is named Kyle, what the hitman doesn't know is, is he's a mobster. (hitman attacks Kyle and stabs him three times) Before Kyle can pull out his own knife, the hitman is gone. In due time, the creep come sin and offers him his merchandise. Kyle is pretty clever and is able to put the facts together. (Kyle slowly pulls out his knife) "I'm going to kill you."
The creep makes a run for it. "I'm going to kill you!" Kyle is chasing down the creep, but it's not working out too well, the creep is a very fast runner. Kyle chases him to an abandoned campground. The con man climbs up a pole to a platform high up. "Where are you, bitch?" Kyle spots the man who tried to con him. Kyle decides leaving him up there is better than risking his life to kill him. The con artist thinks he has escaped death. (con artist laughs and grabs hanging loop with one hand) He loses his balance and is on the ride of his life. (con man screams as he enters branches and screams louder) It looks like the con man is in a sticky situation. (zipline stops and the man is riddled with stabs and scratches. He also has twigs and sticks protruding from his body) Looks like the ride of his life, was the ride to end his life. Dr. Marion Trauma Surgeon: "This man gained velocity as he was going down the zip line. By the time he reach enough velocity that these branches slammed into him breaking bones, slashed major blood vessels, and stabbed his organs. These injuries lead to massive hypovolemia otherwise known as blood loss and he died."
This con man thought he could escape the fate a mobster had planned for him. He almost did until he ended up, barking up the wrong tree.
Way to Die #637
T-Scarred
Coming up these painter go from getting high to ready to die, and a bum learns money can't buy happiness.
Date: August 19, 1984
Glendive, MT
(three people are groaning and holding their heads in pain) In the end, oh wait started too early let's go back to the beginning. (rewinds) Here are some painters Jeanne, Davey, and Rodger. They are notorious painters for all the wrong reasons. "Ugh, what's that foul odor?" That odor is the smoke from the marijuana these painters smoked. When these three painters were on the job they loved to get high by smoking weed in the room and huffing paint fumes. Jackson Miller Marijuana Anonymous Worker: "Marijuana is a stimulant that affects your brains by affecting the receptors that control functions such as memory, sensory, and concentration. Paint fumes cause severe damage to the cerebellum or "little brain" which controls motor functions such as balance and the cerebral cortex or "grey matter" which is the uppermost sheet of tissue covers the brain. This controls the memory, attention, and language. If you combine the two drugs, it is a massive attack on the brain and there is a very good chance that if you combine the two it'll be the last time you ever do." These druggies always took turns buying marijuana from local drug dealers using the money they receive from their clients. They spend more time getting high, than working. If you're wondering how workers this incompetent could possibly still in the job, there is a simple explanation. They're self-employed.
Lately they have been suffering some strange symptoms and have been feeling sick, that makes them slow down their project and piss off the house owners. This current project is taking too long and they are at risk of being reported to the Better Business Bureau. They decide it's time to start working. Ironically, the day they actually spend a lot of time of working instead of getting high, (painters start holding their heads in agony and die) their pasts catch up with them and they die. Rodger, Jeanne, and Davey didn't know it, but the paint they used contained an element very well known to people and very dangerous, lead.
Jackie Langone Poison Control: "These painters got the lead in their body in two ways. First was by inhaling their paint fumes allowed the lead to enter their body. Second, was when they were smoking, the paint fumes got into the cigarettes and mixed with the smoke. Lead poisoning first starts out with symptoms like a metallic taste in the mouth and defecation problems such as constipation or diarrhea. Eventually, it evolved into chronic poisoning which causes symptoms like severe abdominal pains and fatigue and they died of cell death and kidney failure." Drugs and work never combine, especially in the case of these workers. In the end, the only high they got was the one as in heaven.
Way to Die #82
Lead-el to the Metal
Date: December 23, 2006
St. Louis, MO
When Christmas comes around many thoughts come to mind snow, no school, Santa Claus, Christmas trees, and of course presents. Jimmy is one of those last minute Christmas shoppers, but he wasn't planning on getting his presents the normal way. Most parents rely on the money they make working at jobs; Jimmy doesn't even have a job. Instead of working and helping around the house, he just lies around on his lazy butt watching old reruns. Jimmy was well aware that his wife was planning a divorce that would throw his lazy ass on the street. To avoid the financial trouble Jimmy intends on robbing a bank to get his kids nice enough Christmas gifts that his wife will reconsider the divorce. Jimmy had investigated the bank before and knew exactly where the vault was. Kerri Laron Police Officer: "I will not tell you how many robberies we report during the Christmas time. People seem to think since it's the holiday of giving you can just steal whatever you want and get away with it. These people can be difficult to convict because stores are so crowded it can be hard to spot the real thief."
Jimmy uses wet cement to jam the security system. He then uses a homemade battering ram to beat the door open. In the dark, it takes him some time to navigate his way through the bank; he eventually gets in the vault. Jimmy then uses a messed up shiv to pick the lock. "I'm in." Unfortunately a habit of Jimmy's kicks in and he's in serious trouble." (Jimmy closes the door behind him) "No! Help! I'm stuck in a bank vault." Jimmy left his battering ram in the bank. He's stuck and now they have evidence he was trying to rob the bank. 3 hours later... Jimmy is starting to go crazy from the being locked in. So he starts playing with some money in the vault. What Jimmy doesn't know, this plan is about to blow up in his face thanks to a little something called, a dye pack. (dye pack bomb goes off in Jimmy's face and he starts scrambling to get up and when he does he stumbles, collapses, grasps his neck, and dies)
Gina Donnelly Bank teller: "The dye pack was created in Georgia in 1965. These dye packs are designed to go off when a bank robber leaves with the fake bill and stun them with a painful gas that stains the skin. When the man squeezed the defective dye pack enough it exploded. The dye came out at temperatures over 400 degrees Fahrenheit so when he accidentally inhaled the gas, it incinerated his trachea and his alveoli which are the tiny air sacs that help control breathing. The burn injuries paralyzed his alveoli and he asphyxiated." Christmas is considered the birthday of Jesus Christ. Jimmy will be able to spend that birthday with Jesus himself, if he goes to heaven.
Way to Die #467
Die Pack
Coming up, every marriage ends in death but none as weird as this.
Date: March 7, 2008
Denver, CO
(credit to my friend Jadon for help with the names)
Marriage is a commitment that's supposed to be based off love. (husband and wife arguing) Not in this household, or should we say, hell hole. Herman and Kiana is a married couple who have been married for a surprising seven years. Kiana is nothing more than a suffering wife who wishes to get out of the marriage. Herman is a control freak who's not only controlling, but abusive. (slaps Kiana) "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" Luckily, they have no children. Allison Jensen Marriage Counselor: "A marriage that revolves around control and abuse is one at risk. This person thinks that they can take the leadership role and has full control over others. This can get so out of control it eventually can lead to apprehending and incarceration."
Kiana is slowly losing her temper over the years. She really wants to stand up for herself but is scared that if she does, Herman will not hesitate to kill her sight on scene. Kiana has been writing a journal about her abuse history so in case Herman ever does kill her police can learn all about the years of abuse and suffering she endured over the substantial seven years. It's a Saturday night, and as usual, Kiana and Herman are in another argument Herman started. Kiana has had enough; the years of abuse have finally brought her over the edge and she lashes out (Kiana kicks Herman in the groin and he doubles over in pain) When Herman gets up; he is beyond infuriated and has enough of living with her. He pulls out a .48 caliber revolver and is ready to kill her. (Herman tries to shoot her but misses)
Herman will get his revenge one way or another; even if it involves chasing her around the house. "Found you." Herman finds Kiana in the family room. As he is chasing her, he loses grip of his gun and it goes off. "Ow!" Herman has just accidentally shot himself in the foot. He is trying to start chasing he again when he loses his balance and (Herman stumbles and trips over the couch, does a flip on it, and bangs his chin onto the coffee table) he gets what's coming to him. (Herman gets back up) So 1000 Ways to Die viewers, are you surprised Herman survived that injury? (Herman grasps the back of his neck and falls down) Don't be. Dr. Khyber Zaffarkhan Physical Medicine & Rehab: "He gained momentum as he flipped over the couch. So when he banged his chin on the coffee table, he half severed his spinal cord. Even though his spinal cord wasn't fully severed, the breakage in the spinal cord blocked many vital messages from the organs and electrical impulses from getting to his brain and he died of neurogenic shock." Herman was an abusive husband who thought he had the upper hand. Thanks to butterfingers, Kiana finally escaped hell and Herman, welcome to hell. (Kiana's praying) "Thank you."
Way to Die #356
Lumbar Flunk-ture