Alan's hard-fought cardiac recovery (slash)
When the paramedics picked up Alan off the steps of his Legal Aid building, he was unconscious, suffering the rather serious after-shock of his ill-advised attempt to improve his aerobic straining after a sedentary life-style and maybe his indulgence of stogies with Denny Crane, as close as it had made him feel to Denny. He had almost become too close to Denny as he was after his final stroke. Ironically, the first thing that Dr. Forrest (with the full glow of a man who had never enjoyed a cigar or cigaret or snuff or even an extra calorie), was "Mr. Shore/Crane, it looks like your aerobic health is a bit lacking." If Alan hadn't been so surprised to be alive and so uncomfortable in his chest area, he might have laughed, it seemed like such a obvious and ironic statement. But he really felt in no laughing mood. The doctor, checking Alan's chart, noted that he had been caring for a senior mate in the last stages of Alzheimer's disease. "I can see that you have had other stresses lately, too. Was the rape also a result of your husband's dementia as well?" the doctor guessed. "Yes," Alan admitted, "but I had always told him to use me any way that worked for him in order for him to continue to enjoy sex, so, as you see, he took me at my word." "Not the way you meant, literally, no doubt." "No, but he had so little joy by that time, that anything that helped him, made me happy."
Dr. Forrest remarked, "You two must have been a very well suited couple.".
"Only so-much-as a died-in-the-wool Republican conservative and a liberal Democrat can be!" smiled Alan.
"Talk about conflict," joked Dr. Forrest. And yet you were willing to allow him to abuse you if it suited his purposes?"
Alan's speaking was beginning to make him tired, and he must have appeared so, because Dr. Forrest said, "As interesting as that sounds, I can see you are flagging somewhat. Why don't we talk about this later?"
"That's a promise to which I look forward to keeping. I almost never tire of talking about Denny! Except, perhaps, now!"
"You get as much sleep as you can, and then, later, a nurse will bring you up some dinner. What ever is on the cardiac menu! And when you have recovered a bit, we'll also discuss your recovery exercise program! OK?"
Dr. Forrest quietly backed out the hospital room door, clicking off the light, and gently closing the door behind him, partially. In the hall he left instructions for Alan to be observed carefully for any changes. Of course his vital signs were to be monitored from the nurses' station constantly. Dr. Forrest suspected that the recent death of Alan's lover may have influenced or even partially caused the heart stress that had brought him there.
Alan learned what the cardiac menu was throroughly sad experience. He had never tried a salt-free diet before, nor a fat-free one. He rejoiced in the fact that he still had his own teeth, and need not eat the pureed stuff that the denture crowd suffered. Still, if one has ever sampled a salt-free menu after having enjoyed salt all one's life, one has a shock in store! And just for good measure, the meal was also fat-free. It was a lot like a fruit salad with jello for dessert! Still, he considered that a few hours ago, had he been conscious he would not be looking forward to any dinner that night. That made the meal taste a lot better contemplating the alternative. He decided that no matter how rigorous the program, he would do his best to complete it. At the time when he and Denny were at the apex of their indulgence, he knew well what was excessive and what would have been reasonable. Alan was not an ignorant man, just not always focused on his best knowledge of what made a healthy life style. He, too, as well as Denny had noticed his pants grow more tight fitting at the waist and even in the seat. He had weighed himself and looked in the mirror. And Denny had not been the best example of a fit man. But if Alan were honest with himself, he had used Denny a lot to make himself more complacent about this own health. He had smoked an occasional cigaret before he met Denny, but he couldn't remember having hada cigar once in his life. Probably because no one before Denny had tutored him in how to enjoy a cigar. He had been taught by Denny to pull the smoke into his mouth then experience it drifting up over his face, rather than choking on the over-coming fumes and odor in his lungs or throat. Yes, but, when Alan thought about it, it seemed an expensive way to not choke on something that could easily overhelm the one experiencing the smoke. To Alan, it had always seemed a rich man's way to assume a macho bearing, something Alan had never sought to assume, except perhaps, when he had gone to court in Texas on behalf of a beautiful young black woman's effort to save a mildly retarded youth from the death penalty, and even she had warned him not to wear it the Western cowboy hat, saying that it could cause a Texas court to consider it an insult to their state. She had been right, he placed it on her head, declaring that it looked much better on her. It was another time when he had been less than proud of his insistence on riding a mechanical bull, saying that he was a pro, and asking the experience level of the bull's efforts be set at expert, only to plead that the level be lowered later during the ride. He had decided that her tolerance of his swagger was merciful at the least! How many times had he and Denny looked like (if not perfect) then as close to perfect fools as possible. Tears began to course down Alan's face once more, and since jello is not soluble, the tears just bobbled down his dessert like rain-drops.
Dr. Forrest came into the room boisterously, smiling and anticipating Alan's joy at having encountered the cardiac diet. When he came quieter, he noticed the tears in Alan's eyes and on his dessert. "It's not that bad, is it?" he asked cheerily as he dared in the presence of a man obviously deeply disturbed. He walked closer to the bed and lightly rested his hand on Alan's shoulder. "I didn't mean to make light of you situation just then." He lightly ran his index finger down Alan's spine. "I know well how people are likely to view a gay man's .loss of his partner. I almost said, 'some of my best friends are...' But that would be pretty insensitive to your particular case and unkind to your own particular pain!"
Alan wiped his face with his towlette, and forced a small smile, "That's more thoughtful than most people would be, doctor., thank you. As matter of fact, Denny, my partner, would have been highly insulted by the suggestion that we were a gay couple." He made a full attempt to communicate without the agony he felt at the moment.
"Oh yeah, I know that one, he is but I'm not! A classic! And a heartbreaker."
" I cannot deny that Denny enjoyed fully the sex I supplied him, but I think I was more accepting of it than he ever was. I have had a pretty varied sex life. As did he, but he with only one gender.."
Dr. Forrest sat on a chair in the room. "However did two such opposite ended people ever meet, much less fall in love?"
"Denny was my mentor in the law firm in which we both worked, and it just turned out that we both enjoyed rattling cages in much the same ways. Not very mature, one might say! He fed on my irreverence and I on his. Before long we became confidantes, so to speak. We could always be honest with one another, and almost never criticized each other, we mostly held our tongues if there was something ill to be said. Ocasionally I would jab him with a smart remark, but we were always clear that the remark was in a good spirit, never meant to wound. Once before one of his weddings, he told me I could have dreams about his wife to be as well, And I just told him how generous to a falt he was. I think the love just emerged out of the very close friendship, like (I think, most of the most real and enduring loves do. When he found he had Alzheimer's, I offered to pull his plug when it went far enough to embarrass him and rob him of his dignity, but he insisted that he wanted me to shoot him instead. Thank goodness he finally relented on that as even he could see that I couldn't do it. He offered to pull my plug for me, but because of the discrepancy in our ages and health conditions, we agreed that was probably unlikely."
"Well, you had a close call this week, Alan," Dr. Forrest said. "We got some work to do on you!"
" I know we must." I had become very close to being unable to carry him in my arms by the end, and so I guess had he had become incapable of controlling himself, as well, since he died of (I am told) a stroke when we were attempting one last time to help him to sleep, only instead of being able sleep because of the orgasm, his circulatory system just gave up and shot him a clot or something to his brain, and he never recovered conscientiousness. Denny always said that if he were to die from the results of taking Viagra, he would consider it a good death. It had come to the point that he couldn't even masturbate himself to an orgasm. He couldn't concentrate on the idea of an orgasm long enough to have one." Alan began to sniffle again, and used the same napkin to wipe his face as before..
"Part of your recovery will entail some gentle walking until you are strong enough to jog. That will occupy your mind so that painful and sorrowful thoughts will avoid your conscientious reflections. Aerobic exercise, when done carefully with a doctor's care will not only strengthen your physical heart but you emotional one as well. It is one of the most highly recommended techniques for fighting depression! We can start you maybe even as soon as tomorrow walking on the hospital's sawdust "cardiac" loop. Maybe just 1/4 mile loop at first, but as you begin to strengthen, you may want to try running or even jogging the 5 mile course, And if you keep at it, I can almost promise that you will be up to facing that in as little as 6 months!"
Alan started a little. "Wow! 5 miles in 6 months? Rigth after I tried to get up the stairs in Kenneth Cooper-fathered style of aerobics and collapsed with a heart attack?"
Dr. Forrest was reassuring to him "Even Cooper recommends conditioning , not a marathon the second day.. "We can help you with that! Start you out slowly, correct you diet and routine, lower your stress load, and even help you with meditation."
At first Alan considered what 'changing your diet might mean'. Then he thought. I have had many years to get my body into this condition. I can see how it is going to take some 'unpleasant' aspects to correct it. Denny was no martyr to his health conditioning, and Alan had followed right along with him! He had been aware of his loss of strength. He knew he was no Brad by any means, as much as he kidded Brad about being a Ken doll. Brad was probably on the road to a long, healthy lifestyle. And he looked good, too. in fact Alan had looked at him many times with lust in his heart. When he though about being able to jog 5 miles without a heart attack within 6 months, he began to get excited. He had heard that fitness improves the sexual experience as well. Although now Denny was the only one he saw in sex dreams, he thought how much more attractive he might have been even to Denny, although their closest bond had been through their minds and senses of outrage and humor. He had no doubt that physical fitness would not alter his sense of humor, even if it did make him take life more seriously, that is what he had been doing with the Legal Aid Clinic in which he had been working. In a way, he felt he might resent being able to spend so much time in joking and being the class jester, he knew that there were many people would could not afford to take life so lightly. And weren't these the people he had wanted to reach anyway? "Would I have to live in the hospital?" he asked.
"You might progress faster if you did. Besides, I am familiar how deep grief and moving back into old ways can upset a recovery," Dr. Forrest protested. "Your diet can improve in a week or two, although probably not to the fare to which you have become accustomed. But believe me, the changes in your body will more than make up for the culinary fare loss. Within a week, with a corrected body intake and regular work outs, you will find your self thinner, better muscled and more attractive than ever. And you can't discount that support for your ego!"
Alan began to see that his life was going to change a lot. He decided to call in for an extended hospital stay and to appraise the others at the Legal Aid office of what he had found on the widow's case and where his notes and evidence were so that anyone could help her. They seemed to understand him perfectly, as he had left his notes and ideas logically and impeccably arranged as he always had.
He asked Dr. Forrest about the depression that is so reputed to follow a heart attack. The next morning began at 7 am, when he washed himself and shaved and dressed as smartly as he had been when he was going to work that fateful morning. His breakfast was efficient and nourishing, but without the salt on his eggs. Today, he found the lack of salt much less disappointing. He had tea rather than coffee, which was actually a nice change. Then he began exploring the hospital with a walker with a seat for resting if he became tired, which he frequently did and then he sat and rested and pondered what the program offered. After that, he felt anxious to get up and try again. A male nurse stopped him in the hall, and remarked how much better he looked than when he had been brought in the day before, Alan knew that there were a lot of gay people working in medicine, and Boston General seemed to have more than it's share. For that he felt grateful, because they were not stingy with their praise, and it made him feel less like a ghost and more like an attractive man still. The nurses seemed attracted as well, although more guarded with their praise, almost as if the word about he and Denny being married had spread through the hospital and they did not want to seem presumptuous. His workout at the gymn, was not a trying one, some gymn machines carefully balanced so as to call for no undue strain. A exercises and some carefully monitored yoga positions, left him feeling relaxed but with a pleasant feeling of accomplishment.(like a good dump, as Denny would no doubt have said One of the physical therapists (Massachusetts had retained theirs although other states had found them undue budget pressures, and ignored the important part that physical recovery, while several more red states had fired all the physical therapists on their staffs, to the detriment of patient recovery rates. Alan thought many times that day how lucky he was to be living in a blue state! The session ended with some basic instruction in meditation, and by the time he ate his supper of boiled haddock and green salad he felt ready for sleep. The third day he was feeling sore muscles he hadn't realized that he had. But it was a good sore, one that let him know that he had been using his body the day before. He sat down on the walker seat less and less, feeling naturally stronger overall. By the end of the week, he was able to sit in meditation for an entire 45 minutes, and his concentration seem more intense, and the things on which he meditated less and less contained his heartbreak over Denny. Although it was still there, it became more like a pleasant ache, or as Denny would have put it, 'a really fulfilling dump'. The good things about the relationship hung on more intensely than the loss itself. Sometimes at night in his dreams, he and Denny would be spooning as before and Denny would come in the open slit of his hospital gown, but not actual enough for him to have to get up and wash himself. More often at these times he had to get up and wash off the front of his gown. They were happy dreams filled with all the passion he had ever felt with Denny. He remembered long after night, the entire dream was the flickering candle on which he had focused during the meditation the day before. He awoke a little groggy but very relaxed. He ate his two boiled eggs with a little salt substitute with relish and very grateful for the KCL substitute, but he was beginning to feel pretty comfortable without salt now. Dr. Forrest returned for the first time in several days and announced that Alan was going to get his first look and try at the cardiac track. There was a huge pond with a little island and trees in the middle. Alan began to feel again about the outdoors as Denny had taught him to feel at Nimmo bay, He did not even miss fixing a hook into the mouth of a hapless fish. He noticed things as he walked along the sawdust path...a heron dipping into the pond for her fish breakfast, songbirds singing their hearts out at the breaking day. The track felt soft under his walking shoes, and yielding to his feet. He tired a bit, but each step brought him new sights and wonders. He began to think about the Zen kohns, like the moon-reflecting on the water and not being real, because it was a reflection. And how his own reflections were also unreal. And the Buddha saying that all thoughts are only reflections and not real, any more than love or death is. For the first time, be began to understand that. At the end of the quarter mile, he felt like he could have kept on, although his body was tiring. He had so many things filling his mind. He knew that he would never feel that his love for Denny was not real, he began to wonder if his devastation at Denny's death was real. Dr. Forrest welcomed back at his start again with a light blanket to keep the evening chill off his damp body, and asked, "How did the first time feel?" "Like I could have gone on a lot longer," Alan answered almost triumphantly, beaming. Dr. Forrest took him inside and stripped him and asked him to step on the scale. Alan was astounded with the amount of weight he had lost, although he did not feel weak at the loss. Just the oppposite. Dr. Forrest turned Alan's naked but streaming body toward the full-length mirror. Alan was startled at the change in his appearance. "Any more sad dreams?"Dr. Forrest asked. "No, Alan answered, somewhat subdued, almost ashamed at how his angst had shrunk.
"I know, the first realization that your pain has diminished, almost makes you feel guilty because you do not hurt so much."
Dr. Forrest began the next sentence with some trepidation that Alan would feel hurt that he did feel better. "I can tell you Alan, that you are not a traditional homosexual, your presence has been much noticed around the hospital."'I hope this does not make you feel that you are on display on a meat rack, but some people have informed me that I have shaping up the most attractive piece of meat in the hospital. And the news that you are a widower just seems to make you more attractive. If you do ever come into a comfortable place with your sexuality again, I do not see a lonely future for you."
Alan waited a while to reply, then said,"Dr. Forrest, I really think I have loved the only man for me in my life-time, and it will not fade. Denny will always be my primary love and partner. I hope that not -positive response will not seem ungracious..But today I have begun to feel it may be possible for me to walk 5 miles, maybe even eventually jog it!"
Dr. Forrest answered cheerfully, "That's progress, my friend, not matter how disappointed you may leave some men and women, too."
The doctor checked Alan's breathing and blood pressure and encouraged him to take a low-calorie energy drink to hydrate himself. "How are your bowel movements, Alan?"
Alan told him that he was more regular than in years, with very little cramping. "That, sir, is the result to a meal program with adequate fiber included.
" I can tell you that Denny could have stood more of that" Once back in his room, Alan took the time to admire himself in the mirror. "Denny, look what your boy has turned into!" He smiled into the empty air at his partner for life.
After a few more weeks, being diligent with his gymnasium time and the nautilus machines, Alan found that he could even tolerate the 'soothing music' that had irritated him so much when he had first started there. He began to thoroughly feel what each muscle was actually doing and when he took some rest time, he found that he could relax into poses he was holding and, so, not feel the pain of the tension. Even better, he found the pleasure of moving his body into positions rather exciting as well. Once in a while he felt especially sorrowful that not all people could learn their bodies so well. By the time that Dr. Forrest came out to the track with a measuring distance machine for him to measure is progress, Alan found himself being more ready to find out for himself than ever. Even the muscles that so pained him at the beginning, were calling out for more use and an actual challenge.
"So this is what it is like to be Brad,"mused Alan. "Well, not quite, but closer than ever. Denny used to like him (Brad) best. Then I came into the firm, and because I think that Brad was sent to spy on Denny and keep him under control, and I never did, Denny liked me better. Maybe because I was such a weak sister and had nothing like Brad's exalted sense of himself, a bit like Alan felt himself achieving even now. He sighed and told his unseen lover "No, Denny, I shall never that proud of myself, it rankles too much!" He felt himself sinking in the well of lonliness once again!Alan shivered with his solitude in the world, and then knew he would always be alone without Denny. Being alone felt better when there was no Denny. Being miserable felt like a preferable place to happiness of any kind. All at once, he wished that the emergency crew and never found him. He no longer felt anticipation about being able to run 5 miles, or even the marathon he had at one point had imagined. He watched one of the more beautiful gay male workers at the hospital walk past and wink at him. His cardiac lunch came hurling back up his esophagus into the nearest trash can, and his head spun without any desire or wish for anything. All of a sudden, he had a strong desire for Denny's rape, as much as he had hated it at the time. A lovely nurse passed and threw a hip bounce his way. Alan couldn't believe he had ever made love with any person other than Denny. The thought of going back to work at the Legal Aid office, left him weak and listless. The thought of seeing any one seriously or for simple fun seemed impossible. For once, misery felt like just the most apropos attitude. He feared that he could not kill himself, be had never been a physically strong person, but he began to see why some people who are begun on anti-depressants are prone to suicide. Once you feel confident enough about yourself, you can believe that you can do much more than you ever believed that you could. Dr. Forrest was on the way to the cafeteria when he spotted Alan with the storm cloud covering his face. He took a moment out to sit down beside Alan, and commented:"Sometimes it just feels very satisfying to feel bad, doesn't it?"
"Does it ever!" Alan turned his face away, and he felt that he couldn't even express himself properly, the idea of suicide was so close to the center of his mind. He hadn't really decided yet, and he felt that bringing it a step closer to reality with Dr. Forrest, would be daring to be intercepted if he decided to commit the deed. If he remained alive, he would have another time to endure this depression. He just didn't want to have to decide it in the next short time period!