Oh, you know, the one where Daniel dies
Written by: running out of ink
Spoilers for: Every single episode…
Summary: Oh, you know, it's like that one episode. When Daniel goes insane. And dies. There's even a funeral, Wizard of Oz references, and, of course, some meaning-of-life stuff!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything… it would be very scary if I actually did.
Author's Note: If you don't like people making fun of Stargate this is not the story for you. Also note, that I'm a rabid fan of the show, and I only wrote this because I noticed a couple of recurring themes in the show. I still love it.
The day started off as any other day at Stargate Command would. They had a funeral for Daniel. They were pretty sure he was dead this time. No, seriously. They saw him drown after running into the lake from insanity that was caused, undoubtedly, by some alien device he had been playing around with. But wait, we should start at the beginning, when Daniel first started playing with the alien device.
It all started two hours ago on P3X-123. SG-1, containing the dashing Col. Jack O'Neill, the smart-but-sexy Major Samantha Carter, the stoic Jaffa Teal'c, and the clumsy-but-cute archaeologist Dr. Daniel Jackson, was examining some mundane, foresty planet that had once been occupied by the Ancients, but was now under the rule of some power-hungry Goauld. The name of the Goauld is not necessary just know that it was not Apophis or Anubis. It was some stupid lower "god". Honestly, he didn't even know how to set proper patrols around the Stargate, and the Jaffa were caught off guard as SG-1 came blasting through. You would have thought they would have seen it coming after the MALP came through. Jack managed to quote The Wizard of Oz, though no one heard him through all of the gunfire.
Anyway, as I was saying, the trouble started when Daniel started to examine some of the Ancient text that was lying around. Sam was examining some random piece of technology in the corner, thinking it could be an important discovery (in reality, it was just an Ancient Toaster, because Ancients quite liked toast). Teal'c was practicing his blank stare, while secretly comparing his life to that of those in Star Wars. And Jack… well Jack just wanted to go home and watch The Wizard of Oz and then go fishing afterwards.
"Eureka! I've found something!" Daniel shouted from his corner.
"Is it a good witch, or a bad witch?" Jack asked, in reply.
Teal'c raised an eyebrow, and Daniel ignored him.
"It says 'If you open this box," Daniel held up a box. "You will go insane and die.' Let's open it Jack! Can we?"
"No."
"Jack! I think we should do it. This could be a momentous discovery for the world. It could solve world hunger. It could create world peace. It could be a coffee maker."
"How would that solve world peace?"
But Daniel was no longer listening. He opened the box, went insane, and then ran into the nearby lake.
It was with heavy hearts that the remaining members of SG-1 went back through the Gate. They had lost Daniel. Again.
"I told you he would die. Pay up!" Jack said, holding his hand out to Teal'c.
"Did he not also go insane, O'Neill? Which would make me the victorious one?"
"Well… that doesn't count because he died. So I win." At that last remark from Jack, Sam began to lose her temper. The nerve of them! Daniel had just gone insane and drowned himself.
"If you remember correctly, I was the one who actually bet that he would go insane AND die! So, both of you better pay up!" That was more like it. Jack and Teal'c sighed and reluctantly pulled out fifty dollar bills from their pockets.
MEANWHILE… IN THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE
Daniel was not really dead. In a spot of luck, he had fallen right into a sarcophagus, which had healed him completely. He swam to the top of the lake, wondering what to do now. Maybe go argue about "meaning of life stuff" with some unsuspecting native.
BACK AT CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN BASE
Dr. Frasier had decided they should have a funeral for Daniel. Hammond suggested they wait a week, or maybe just an hour. Dr. Jackson had an astonishing way of coming back from the dead. But he was overruled, and they held another funeral for him.
A couple of minutes later Hammond walked up to Jack, a grim look on his face.
"Jack, I've got some bad news. The Russians have decided that if you don't find a replacement for Daniel, that they are going to place one of their own men on your team."
"WHAT?"
"I know. I don't like it anymore than you do, but there is no other choice."
And before Jack could reply, sirens started blaring, and a voice came over the loud speaker, "Unauthorized Incoming Wormhole!" And Jack sprinted off to see if it was Daniel coming back. If so, he wanted his fifty dollars back!
TO BE CONTINUED…. POSSIBLY